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What to Do When the World Doesn’t Get You

Drunk or High at a Nightclub

“Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” ~Pema Chödrön

For as long as I can remember, I have always been a little different, defiantly so.

I was that child who never liked cartoons. I was nicknamed “the little old lady” for the things I said at the age of five.

I was that girl from northern Vietnam who refused to change her accent and use of language while schooling in the south, despite being made a subject of ridicule for that.

I was the only pupil that felt indignant about having analyses of literature imposed on us at school—why did everyone have to think and feel the same way about a poem?

The feeling of being out of place plagued my childhood and early adolescence.

My disposition as an outsider deepened during my time studying in Singapore. It was bad enough that I found nothing in common with the locals, but I did not feel an affinity with other Vietnamese students either. Joined by origins and circumstances, we were supposed to feel a bond, but I only felt my difference in interests and values.

When I left Vietnam and subsequently Singapore, I did not know how I would fund my future studies beyond the scholarships I was given. But in my mind, the pain of feeling an outsider justified the risks. I left in search of a place to belong.

My sense of isolation became acute after university. I was probably more out of place in the investment bank I worked for than I had ever been in my life.

Although I was very open to my colleagues, I did not develop the kind of relationships that surpassed our time working together. At the same time, I became more distinctly different from my friends. They all wanted to get their first car, buy their first home, and start a family, none of which was a priority of mine.

Over the years I learned to make peace with the notion that the world did not get me. I was relatively comfortable with my difference but deep down, I never gave up on a hunt for “my tribe.”

When I eventually found my calling and immersed in the world of entrepreneurs who cared about doing good things in the world, I thought my search was finally over. Yet as the months went by, I once again became acutely aware of how different I was from them all.

It was then that I decided to look at the matter more closely.

It became apparent to me that my unreserved self-expression actually did not help people understand me; I seemed to have a different mode of communication from everyone else! As a result, I was almost always “misinterpreted” in early encounters.

With this realization, it was tempting to conform to social norms and expectations, just to be more understood. Yet I could not bring myself to do it. The idea of adopting “inorganic” behaviors for no good reason did not sit well with me. After all, I never offended or harmed anyone with my way of being.

This conflict of wanting to be more understood while being fiercely protective of my authenticity came up in a deep conversation I had with someone. For the first time, I was hit by the thought that rather than the world refusing to connect, it may have been me all along.

Could it be that at some point during my childhood I assumed that my difference would never be welcomed, so I built a self-defense mechanism that kept me from engaging and risking rejection?

That could not be right. I was always unreservedly open about myself. I had a genuine interest in people and an ability to empathize. How could these not have come from an open heart?

Yet my heart knew that it was more open to let out than to let in.

I used to feel that amongst the few, I bore the curse of being different, and in order to not get hurt, I would only let in the special ones who “got” me. From the lofty height of my proud difference, I filtered people as those who I could potentially connect with and those who would be unlikely to get me.

I had little patience for people who did not seem to be on the same wavelength. While I would still be genuinely interested in their stories, my intention to connect would be taken out of the conversation.

This filtering process continued throughout every relationship of mine. I remember being disappointed with good friends for remarks that felt off, and a part of me would be forever shut to them from that moment on.

I was doing to others what I felt the world was doing to me. I judged! The more new people I met on a regular basis, the faster my filtering process became and the more despondent I grew about making new friends.

I felt a twinge in my heart at this realization.

And then something hit me.

More compassion. Yes, I needed more compassion.

If I could listen with compassion to those I did not instantly like, I wouldn’t dismiss them so quickly. Then who knows, maybe I would find a connection with them on some level.

If I did not write off everyone who made an unwelcomed remark to me, I would spend more time trying to understand their perspective. Then who knows, maybe I would find that I had simply misunderstood them.

If I could have more compassion for this world, which works on bases so different from my own, maybe I would not see my difference as such a hindrance for connection.

If I had more compassion for myself, maybe I could start to believe that I, too, would be loved and understood for who I am by the majority of people out there.

If I believed that there was always a place for my individuality, maybe I could feel a sense of belonging anywhere in the world. If I believed that I did not need similarity for connection, maybe I could stop the search for “my tribe.”

I have finally realized that we are all different in our own ways, and what I struggle with, many others do too.

Making myself special and playing the victim role did protect me, for decades, from becoming someone else. But it also took away my faith in the abundance of compassion out there.

Whoever you are and whatever your difference may be, there is enough love, respect, and understanding for all of us. Will you choose to believe?

About Chi Phan

As a transformational coach, Chi empowers people who feel stifled by mainstream thinking to create success their ways. She also helps businesses engage their audience more effectively with clarity of vision and storytelling. Chi brings a unique expressive energy and a passion for authenticity to her work.

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Supriya Rao

Beautiful post Ma’am!

Chi Phan

Thank you!

lagirl

very insightful…coming to this realization myself recently…

Chi Phan

Thank you. I find that to “allow people in” is still a conscious effort, but thanks to it I have made at least one good friend I didn’t expect to make and am feeling a lot more confident in my way of being.

Mim

Hello Chi, thanks for your words of wisdom. I can relate to this feeling of ‘otherness’, including the fact that you are leaving other people out when they misunderstand you. From the moment I started building bridges instead of walls, I provided an opening for people to actual get to know me. I found out how hard it was for others to connect with ME, because they somehow sensed I was putting up my guards but had no idea why / what was wrong / what they did ‘wrong’. It’s not like they didn’t want to understand me, they just couldn’t (as fast as I wanted). But with a little more patience and effort from the both of us, it proved to be possible to make a real, heart to heart connection.

As I softened, I learned to accept that I am somewhat different than the people around me. Instead of judging them for not getting me, I decided to give people the benefit of the doubt. I decided to trust their good intentions, to focus on the goodness of their hearts. And I hugged myself for all the times I felt misunderstood and alone in this world. Because if I love myself unconditionally, I can love them unconditionally. The more I heal my wounds and accept me for who I am, the less I long for understanding of others. It’s still a process, but it’s getting better every day.

Thanks for writing this blog, and wishing you all the best on your quest to keep an open heart!

Melanie

Dear Chi, are you an INFJ ? I am and your articles sounds exactly like me. It is comforting to be reminded we’re not alone 🙂

Elizabeth Rosselle

Excellent post and rings so true for me in many ways. Thank you for this. 🙂

sian e lewis

most encouraging- we are ALL different, that paradoxically is what we have in common.
Vive la difference

Chi Phan

Indeed! It takes so much courage to own one’s difference though, I find.

Chi Phan

Thank you! I am glad to hear that my story resonates. It has taken me a lifetime to own it…

Chi Phan

Hi Melanie,
I have never done the test so I don’t know if I am an INFJ :). Yes, it’s wonderful to know that we are not alone. The first time I posted on Tiny Buddha (9 months ago) I felt a little nervous about the exposure but now I am just feeling the warmth of connection from like-minded people I would otherwise never know.
Chi

Chi Phan

Dear Mim,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It looks like you are well ahead of me in building bridges. I remember being told to soften and to let down my guard but I never understood why, because I felt that I was always so open about everything. As you can imagine, I dismissed people who made these comments as those who just didn’t get me! It was as if my mode of communication didn’t work for this world!

Anyway, these days I make a conscious effort to stay open and connect across differences -it’s not easy but as you say, it’s getting better every day.

Wishing you all the love in the world!

Chi

jdonna

Love this post.

I definitely related to this blog. I always felt like the odd one out, in many of the same ways as the author of this article:-) My priorities were different, my views were different, I dressed different, I almost strived to be different. For me, I recently realized that this stems from the fact that I felt invisible growing up, or as if people wanted me to be invisible because I made them uncomfortable for some reason. For that reason, I had to be more bold when showing people how I was different and what made me stand out and to a degree, I guess I was rebelling but to others, it probably felt a little intense ha. Interestingly, it didn’t work because I started to feel more invisible and although I resented being judged, I was judging them as harshly (if not more) than them me. In a way, I created my own defenses that kept the scary world out. Thanks so much for this brilliant article. It really did come to me at a time when I’ve been making similar discoveries about myself.

Chi Phan

Thank you :)!

Chi Phan

Thank you for sharing your story, Michelle. I remember how a sharp pain shot through my heart when I realised that maybe I was not giving others the compassion and understanding I wanted for myself. It’s incredible that we have such parallel learning journeys 🙂

Sonny

Chi,

Wow! Your article resonated deeply with me. Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your truth.

I, too, felt invisible, and was punished when I was seen and heard and being my authentic self, so I have a deep desire to fully express who I am, but do not trust the process. I’m sure my energy is offputting to some, as well as the energy of a Manifestor, which creates fear in others.

Note: I am in INFJ also – Interesting to see that in Melanie’s post.

It is becoming more evident to me that “my tribe” is ALL of humanity in its various flavors. When you said, “I assumed that my difference would never be welcomed,” it hit hard. I share that belief, which created an energetic vibration that others can feel. They may not know it, but it affects how they experience me. And yes, the filtering out others who were unlikely to “get” me… Filtered out the possibility of fully engaging with Life. The mirror reflecting judgment back to us!

Holding on to a single moment of disconnection, and continuing to collect evidence for this core belief of never being fully known and loved, creates that reality. Self-love, self compassion, really is where the healing begins, and forgiveness of others who created the environment that gave birth to our belief. Your beautiful mind, and mine, and all of ours, do brilliant things to protect us. Now we realize we don’t need protection. We need connection.

Blessings!

Michelle M Arsenault Mima

It was a hard lesson to learn but it’s slowly sinking in:-) Shared your story on Twitter. I’m sure it will help others too!

Chi Phan

Thank you :)!

Ari Maayan

In June 1990, I was in a Critical Care Unit 3 weeks after a 17 1/2 hour surgery for stage 3/4 cancer of the esophagus. I had finally had all of the tubes and bags pulled from my body and just had the monitor on my rolling pole. In that small, 12 bed unit, for people barely clinging to life, even the corridor was darkened. I slowly shuffled out into the corridor pulling my pole with me. I stood looking out the window at the end of the corridor at the 3:00 am moonscape. Then I closed my eyes and listened as my ward mates softly whimpered, cried and moaned in their pain. Suddenly my mind was filled with images racing through my private head theater….images of people all over the world in their extreme moments of suffering…..a native woman in Mexico sitting on some steps holding her fly-covered, dead baby, still trying to nurse her; a skeletal man lying on a cot, dying alone unable to reach a jug of water on a table; a child soldier in Africa lying in a pool of mud and blood bleeding out from a gut wound……..and on and on. For how long I don’t know…..until a nurse made me go back to my room. In those moments I recognized our shared humanity and I found my well of compassion. In times of feeling disconnect from humanity and I feel my compassion slipping, I close my eyes and see those images again and I come back into my heart and into my humanity.

Mitakuye Oyasin!!!!!

Yahnny

I felt instantly drawn to this article by the outsider aspect, just checked out 16personalities. Amazing! Although I am (apparently) INTP (Logician), and very comfortable with being misunderstood/different, even thankful. I wonder what it would be like if Tiny Buddha organized its articles by personality types of the authors. It was a fantastic feeling scrolling through the comments on 16personalities, all by like-minded strangers.