“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” ~Mark Twain
I almost didn’t dye the tips of my hair purple a couple years ago because I was so worried about what other people might think. While changing my hair color was something new for me, basing my decisions on other people’s opinions was not.
I tend to look to others for clues about how I should think and act. Sometimes this shows up in small things, like opinions about movies, music, or clothes. Even when asking big life questions, however, my first impulse is often to wonder what other people think I should do.
It’s a natural human tendency to want to gain others’ approval. We’re afraid of being rejected and forced to navigate life’s challenges all on our own. While we may have good reasons for meeting expectations, basing our lives on what other people think has its drawbacks.
It’s lonely.
When I change to speak and act the way others think I should, I’m not letting people see the real me. There’s limited benefit to people liking me if the person they like isn’t actually who I am. When someone connects with a pretend version of me, it doesn’t meet my very real need to be known.
It hinders self-expression.
When I base my choices on what other people think, the things I choose often don’t accurately reflect my own preferences. I live my life as generically as possible to avoid offending anyone. I miss out on showing others what really matters to me, and the world misses out on what I have to give.
It filters out valuable information.
When I give a lot of weight to other people’s opinions, I overlook a very important opinion—mine. There may be a lot of great advice out there, but I’m the only one who can decide what fits best for me. Repeatedly quashing my own opinion reinforces the belief that my thoughts aren’t worth as much as other people’s.
It limits growth.
When I look to other people for my answers, I don’t have to do the hard work of wrestling with my own questions. I don’t take responsibility for myself when I can more comfortably blame the person whose opinions I’m following. Instead of stretching myself to become more fully who I am, I keep squeezing myself into someone else’s idea of who I should be.
Constantly trying to meet other people’s expectations is a painful and dissatisfying way to live.
To counter this, a common piece of advice is to not give a @#$% what anyone else thinks. I have to admit, after the pressure of trying to please everyone, the idea of disregarding all those outside thoughts sounds like a relief.
Of course, it’s hard to make such an extreme shift all at once, but I’ve given it a try. I’ve tried showing up to social events without caring about what anyone thought of me, only to feel aloof and arrogant. I’ve tried talking about things that matter to me without caring about what anyone thought of them—but, instead of my vulnerability bringing us closer, I felt myself hardening against the people listening.
The thing is, not caring about what other people think is not the same as learning to value what I think. I can shut out everyone else’s thoughts and still be telling myself I’m worthless. The drawbacks of not caring about what other people think look awfully familiar.
It’s lonely.
When I care too much about what other people think I don’t have sufficient boundaries, but not caring isn’t establishing boundaries. It’s building walls.
In order to not care, I can’t let anything in. I can’t let anyone’s thoughts get close enough to touch me. Either way—whether my own identity is being overwhelmed or I’ve erected a barrier between us—we are not connecting one human to another.
When I don’t care what people think, I’m not mindful of how my words and deeds impact them. I act as if I’m superior to others. I may not even notice the hurt or inconvenience I leave in my wake.
A crucial part of relationships is knowing and being known, hearing and being heard. Imagining nobody cares what I think feels incredibly lonely. And let’s face it, if I don’t care what someone thinks, why would they want to be my friend?
It hinders self-expression.
It might seem like not caring about what other people think would give me complete freedom to be fully myself. This actually hasn’t been the case. Honestly, when I don’t care what other people think, I feel and act like a jerk, and that just isn’t me.
The truth is, my connections with other people are part of who I am. Making a difference in other people’s lives is a key ingredient to the things that matter most to me. It would feel less risky to give of myself if I didn’t care about the response, but that same lack of engagement would make my actions less satisfying.
It filters out valuable information.
Not caring about what other people think does make space for me to start paying more attention to what I think, but it comes at the cost of other valuable information. I lose out on what I can learn from other people’s thoughts.
Often the hardest to hear thoughts come from the people I care about most. The people who know me best not only have the strongest opinions about what I should do, but also have the clearest insight into who I am.
Although their thoughts aren’t always helpful, I’m grateful for people who have been willing to share an insight they knew I wouldn’t want to hear. Sometimes I need an outside perspective to help me see where what I’m doing doesn’t line up with who I say I am and where I want to be heading.
The thing is, not caring about what others think isn’t just about ignoring the hurtful. I miss out on the encouragement, positive feedback, and insightful challenges as well. I can’t just listen when people are telling me what I want to hear.
It limits growth.
When I build walls instead of establishing boundaries, I don’t have to get clear on my needs and preferences. I keep everything out instead of exercising discernment around what I’ll allow in and what I won’t. I don’t practice respectfully engaging with other people’s perspectives without sacrificing mine.
New possibilities grow out of differing opinions. I can learn so much from other people’s perspectives and experiences. They challenge me to examine and refine my own ideas.
Thankfully, my options aren’t either losing myself in trying to please others or living without any concern for how my words and actions impact those around me. I can care about other people’s thoughts and opinions without letting them define me.
The answer isn’t choosing between two extremes, but learning to live in the tension between them. I still often overcorrect, skidding back and forth between caring too much and too little. With practice it’ll become easier to find a balance, but I doubt the struggle will go away completely.
Rather than trying to decide whether or not I care, I’m learning to decide how I want to respond. Asking these simple questions helps bring clarity.
What is our relationship?
Of course, I can’t always care what everyone thinks. There are different levels of relationship. Some people just don’t know me or what matters to me well enough to offer relevant opinions.
On the other hand, there are people who want the best for me. Just because I’m close to someone doesn’t mean I’ll agree with what they think, but I’m willing to spend more energy considering the thoughts of people who have shown they care about me.
What is the intent?
While I can’t know for sure someone else’s intentions, I can consider whether they are trying to help me or hurt me. I try to assume the best, but it can be wise to disregard the opinion of someone who is trying to cut me down.
Even those who are honestly trying to be helpful don’t always have the purest motives. Sometimes they may want me to do what they think will keep me safe or bring me their idea of success. I can appreciate their intentions while still following my own course.
Is it helpful?
Other people’s thoughts are data to be considered. Just like my own thoughts, however, some ideas are more helpful than others. I don’t have to view anyone’s thoughts as the truth about who I should be in order to learn from them. There is usually something I can learn—even if it’s just that I can’t make everyone happy.
What do I think?
The real question isn’t whether or not I care what other people think, but how much I value what I think. When I value my own thoughts and opinions, I can also care about theirs without letting myself be defined by them.
There’s a difference between caring about what someone thinks and accepting it as true. I can listen to what others have to say and still make up my own mind.
Whether I care too much or too little, focusing on my response to another’s thoughts is still choosing to shape my identity in relation to theirs. I’d rather focus on learning to appreciate my own thoughts more fully so I can care about people and what they think without sacrificing who I am.
Do you tend more toward caring too much or too little about what others think? What do you find most helpful in valuing your own thoughts?
About Johanna Schram
Johanna Schram is a certified life coach and writer who supports fellow humans to stop the people-pleasing and start trusting themselves. She helps people recognize their inherent worth, express themselves with courage and integrity, and connect deeply in relationships. Learn more about Johanna and get access to the free self-trust library at johannaschram.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I have a tendency to care too much about what others think. It’s a constant practice for me to find the balance. You are right; it is about valuing yourself. Being authentic is not isolating! Thanks for your perspective. I enjoyed it.
Thanks, Abby! I’m glad you enjoyed reading. It is such a constant practice to keep other people’s opinions in balance, isn’t it? What helps you value yourself and choose authenticity?
I disagree. It’s not just about not caring, it’s choosing what not to care about. It’s about not caring in the face of adversity by knowing what’s important.
When I know what’s important little things don’t matter. What would an insult do when you’re focused on winning an Olympic metal? It’d be like ignoring and laughing at a child’s insult.
Thank you for your comment. I agree that knowing what’s important is a key part of deciding how much to care. The questions I shared are one of the tools I use to determine whether someone else’s thoughts are helpful in the things most important to me. I think the trickiest situations aren’t insults as much as well intentioned opinions from people I care about that just aren’t right for me. What do you find most helpful for separating out what is or isn’t important to you?
Johanna,
You certainly have touched upon the dilemma of how to evaluate others opinions as it relates to you. I did like the questions that you suggest that you ask yourself.
The two questions: what is the intent and is it helpful are important.
The key for me when I am evaluating what someone says is this:
1. Are they giving me feedback on the impact of my behavior on them
2. Are they giving me feedback on who they think I am?
If they are giving me feedback of the impact of my behavior on them, the relationship with them matters (another of your questions) as part of my evaluation. I may heed their advice if my desire to keep that relationship as a growing relationship because they have demonstrated a trustworthiness in our relationship. Also if they describe my behavior in a nonjudgmental way in these terms, when you behave this way, I feel this way. My degree of heeding their advice would be based on their trustworthiness with me. I would make changes based on my growth and growing my relationship with them to continue to be a trusting relationship.
If they are giving me feedback on who they think I am, then they are talking about themselves not me. Ex: If someone says, I believe you are a phony. This is not a trustworthy way to give feedback to me. They are just giving me their opinion of how they negatively judged me. That is where intent comes in as well as relationship. If I want a continued relationship with that person, I may want to dig deeper with them by ask for specific behaviors as to why they believe I am a phony for example. If they have none, then their opinion has no helpful input for me. If they are able to give me specific behaviors then, I would evaluate if it matches my own perspective or what others who I trust say about the impact of my behaviors. When someone is giving me information about their judgment of who they think I am, I have to seriously question their intention. I have to determine if they are being hurtful or just not experienced in giving feedback. My relationship with them would then matter. Frankly, most people I have a trusting relationship would not pass on their negative judgments to me. If I am caring about people who do that, then the change that needs to happen with me is having relationships with people who are trustworthy.
Thanks for sharing the questions you use to evaluate someone else’s opinion, Susan! You brought up some very important points. Being able to listen to how our behavior impacts another person and express how their behavior affects us is a key part of growing relationships. Also, it is so true that often the feedback people give us is really more about them than it is about us. I’m glad you’ve found ways to recognize and navigate these distinctions.
@Padilla
Totally related to this post. I found former self stuck between the two extremes of needing acceptance to the opposite, disregarding total emotion. It really hit home how lonely I felt at times and you described it perfectly. I’m trying to find the sweet spot of defining who I am and being able to connect deeply with pothers without losing my authenticity.
-Tom
Thanks for sharing your experience, Tom! I’m so glad this resonated with you. It can be tricky to find that balance, can’t it? I think who we are and how we connect with others are questions to keep asking more than answers to find. Keep wrestling with the questions. It’s worth it. 🙂
Absolutely! It’s such a learning process to navigate the tension between those two extremes. I think for a lot of us learning to value ourselves is one of the hardest parts. I like the way you summed it up—”You don’t have to always agree or accept, but you can “care” about what other people think without turning your back on yourself!” Thanks, Marie!
Thank you for sharing this. Its a relief to find others experiencing a similar dilemma on their life-journey. I think at the heart of this balance is maturity and evolving and growing as people. What nobody shared up until this part of my life was the concept of boundaries and how its okay to listen to others then do what you think is right without fear or anger. Our emotions can be balanced too.
Oh hell no…
I have to disagree. I grew up with a mother who was sooo obsessed about what people thought. (Grandma was too..a generational thing) It people matter to me, I care,what they think. But if they don’t matter to me, I don’t care..
Thanks, Andrew. I’m glad this helped you feel less alone in your experience. Learning about boundaries can be so life changing, can’t it? Here’s to growing and learning listen to others while still being true to ourselves.
I have continued to think about the ideas in this article. Thank you again. I think that if one has a partnership then it matters more what others think. Also I own a company and it matters what others think about my employees and my company. Its how I keep customers and acquire new customers. So very quickly the boundaries become so important as a tool for inner peace. Its important to control what can be controlled in terms of the impressions of others and relinquish feelings about what cannot be controlled. This is a very important lesson for someone who has a history of trying to please others.
Thanks for sharing. I definitely appreciate the problems with being overly concerned about what other people think…that has been me for much of my life. At the same time, I haven’t found going to the opposite extreme to be helpful. Tools like the questions I shared are helping me learn to value my own opinions and to discern how much consideration I want to give to outside opinions. One of the trickiest scenarios for me is well intentioned opinions from people I care about that just aren’t right for me. I’d love to hear what you find helpful in those situations.
Time and making a list is helpful to me in the situations you mention. Time to consider the well intentioned opinion. A list of Pros and Cons of accepting the well intentioned opinion.
Thanks again, Andrew! You are definitely not alone in having a history of trying to please others. These are great examples of situations where it’s incredibly important to learn to navigate the tension between valuing our own thoughts while also caring about what others think. It is not always easy. Learning to establish and enforce boundaries and acting on what we can control while letting go of what we can’t are such important lessons.
Great suggestions. Thanks for sharing, Andrew!
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I simply tell the friends that while I care what they think, I do not agree with the advice. I would be creating a dishonor to myself if I followed their advice and took their opinions to heart, despite my own feelings on the subject.
Hey Johanna, thanks for sharing this, it really helped me a lot understand better the difference between setting boundaries and building walls and being empathetic.
You’re so right, Johanna! And that is the great challenge that many few among us will cope in a appropriate way with