“If you keep your feathers well oiled the water of criticism will run off as from a duck’s back.” ~Ellen Swallow Richards
We all seek love, approval, and appreciation, don’t we? We sometimes obsess over what people think of us. When we receive feedback that seems less than favorable, we speculate for days about what it might mean.
Usually we attach the wrong meaning to it, and this drains our energy and might even cause us to withdraw and quit what we are doing.
Is there a way to avoid this? How can we keep our feathers well oiled?
Here is what happened to me and what I learned from it.
I was working in HR in a big institution with more than 7,000 employees and hundreds of different departments. I was asked by my hierarchy to coordinate with several departments to accommodate the varied needs of colleagues with disabilities, as it required special workplace adaptation and much more.
With more than ten different departments involved in the project, there was a clear need for coordination, but not a clear mandate in my job description. But it didn’t seem to be a problem, and the departments involved were happy that somebody took the role.
Until one evening, after work, I opened my inbox and there it was, an email from a colleague, sent out to the entire mailing list of colleagues and departments involved in the project.
It was the head of one of the departments telling me that with the coordination work I’d done, I’d cause problems for him (without providing further specification). He instructed me to stop, and in an ironic tone he wrote that my talents and help would surely be better used in other projects.
I responded immediately, “Sorry. Okay, then I will not do the coordination.” I felt crushed, small, and incredibly hurt.
But was it really the criticism that stopped me?
Probably not, since there were three other supportive emails sent out to the entire list, from people working on the project, who happened to be high in the hierarchy.
When I looked inside myself, some months after the incident happened, I discovered that it wasn’t the criticism but my own interpretation of it that stopped me.
The criticism was feeding my own limiting beliefs.
How often do we receive criticism and it doesn’t touch us, sometimes we don’t even notice it? When there are no self-beliefs for the insult to hook into, it rolls off like a raindrop on our raincoat. But when deep down we hold limiting beliefs, the criticism arouses them.
“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle
If we do something we will be criticized, and we cannot do anything about it.
Thinking “he shouldn’t criticize me” will stop the other person. It is hopeless. All it does is it harms us.
Instead of blaming the one who is criticizing us, it is better to focus on the one person we do have control over: ourselves.
Look inside, discover the beliefs that caused the criticism to stick, and begin to undo them. So the next time when we receive similar criticism it rolls right off, like the raindrop on our raincoat.
Not sure how to discover your own limiting beliefs? Here’s how:
Finish the following statement: “Someone has criticized me, and that means…”
What came up for me was: “I am inadequate; I do not fit in; I am not fit for the institutional power games.”
I was quite surprised to be confronted with these limiting beliefs.
What is it for you? What beliefs did you discover?
The next step is to question those thoughts with the help of The Work by Byron Katie. It consists of four questions and turnarounds, which are the opposite of the initial thought.
- Is it true?
- Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
- How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without the thought?
Let’s question the thought “I am inadequate.”
It is important to do this inquiry having a concrete situation in mind. So my situation is: I’m reading the email, which states that I caused problems and it would be better for me to use my talents and help in other projects.
If you like you can question the belief about yourself that you just discovered. Answer these questions along with me, keeping in mind your situation.
1. I am inadequate. Is it true?
Yes.
2. Can I absolutely know that it is true?
No.
Just notice how it feels to express an honest “yes” or a “no” as an answer to these two questions. There are no right or wrong answers here; it’s about discovering what is true for us. And just notice how your mind wanders: “Yes, because…“ or “No, but…“
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
There I am reading the email that states that I caused problems and I would better use my talents and help in other projects. How do I react, what happens when I believe the thought that I am inadequate?
I make myself small. I hit reply and I answer, “Sorry. Okay, then I will not do the coordination.” I feel crushed and incredibly hurt. I am afraid what others who read that email will say. I picture a catastrophe.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Who would I be without the thought that I am inadequate? What would I do, feel, or say if I could not think the thought that I am inadequate?
I would be curious what makes my colleague think that I am causing his problems. I would ask him to meet me so that I could understand. I would entertain the possibility that there was just a misunderstanding. I would not disregard the supportive emails I received from others. In fact, I would give much more credit to them. I would be much calmer. I would be genuinely curious about what went wrong without blaming myself.
The turnaround would be: I am very capable at my job.
The turnaround opens us up to the possibility that the opposite of our thought feels as true or even truer than the initial one. Examples to the turnaround statement broaden our vision and help us see reality in its complexity.
So how can that it be true that I am very capable at my job?
– The three supportive emails I received from colleagues confirm that I am very capable at my job.
– My work has always been appreciated in the previous years.
So what was the problem in the first place? The criticism, or my deeply rooted belief that I am inadequate?
It was the belief, wasn’t it?
“If you keep your feathers well oiled the water of criticism will run off as from a duck’s back.” ~Ellen Swallow Richards
The next time you feel hurt by criticism, look for the underlying limiting belief and question it with the help of The Work. This is how we keep our feathers well oiled.
One day you might even find yourself grateful for criticism and the opportunity it presents to look inside, and better yourself.
Crushed by criticism image via Shutterstock

About Esther Mellar
Esther helps aspiring and established entrepreneurs challenge long held limiting beliefs and conquer fears that are holding them back from reaching their dreams. Do you feel that fear of criticism stops you in your tracks? Visit her website and download your free ebook Navigating the Inner Journey of Entrepreneurship: How to Silence Your Inner Naysayer and Give Yourself Permission to Succeed.
hey Esther, nice post! Once upon a time I also had problems to take criticisms. If someone criticized me back then, I would act like a crazed chimpanzee.
But one day, I realized this: Criticisms are other people’s OPINION. Those opinions could be right, or wrong. In fact, whether those criticisms are true doesn’t matter.
What matters though, is how we decide to react to the criticism. Do we jump up and down screaming like a giant monkey? Or do we analyze the criticisms rationally?
It’s our own choice. We can decide to learn from criticism or ignore it.
After I realized these facts, then only I start to see improvements in work and life. Thanks for writing this timely reminder!
Thank you Andy!
I love what you say: What matters though, is how we decide to
react to the criticism.
And that reaction depends also on how we think about ourself.
Thank you for reading and commenting!
Wonderful post!!! Thank you for walking through that exercise, very impact of how powerful that process is! 🙂 I love the answer of “who would you be without that thought?” GREAT question!! Thank you for sharing your wisdom! 🙂
Bravooooooooo…
Huh…I cursed the first person who dared to criticize this NYT Bestselling Author 😉 hehe Today, I realize that my own insecurities about my skills and our work together fuelled my negativity!
Kitto
Kitto
Here’s the thing. I’m NOT a people pleaser, so approval isn’t needed. I don’t care what people think of me, because at the end of the day, I know who I am as an individual. Although I’m open to criticism, it’s up to me to fix my mistakes, that way I can use the experience as a lesson learned. Name calling and disrespectful behavior is something that I WILL NOT tolerate. Period.
This is a very powerful article on how to handle criticism, and thank you for sharing your experience, Esther.
I like number four. It is perhaps the most important question of them all because it is the fastest path to just being.
Have you ever heard Eckhart Tolle talk about being the cat who sits at the mouse hole? The idea is to sit there and ask, “What will I think of next?”
With that question in mind, you significantly reduce the chances that any mice will appear. 🙂
I am happy that you liked the exercise. Doing The Work is really powerful.
Thank you for reading and commenting!
Yes Krithika, in my experience it is our own insecurities which are played out in moments when we are criticised. So the two possibilities are to do nothing,
so that nobody criticises us. Or work with our insecurities so that
the criticism doesn’t hurt, but grow us, if we can learn something of
it. It is this later what I recommend to my clients. Thank you so
much for doing this exercise with me.
Thank you Anthony.
It is a powerful exercise you mention. You can wait really long for
that next thought or “mice” to appear if you ask yourself the
question “I wonder what I will think of next?”
The Work is also about being present and observing out thoughts. What those thoughts do to us, and how would we be without those thoughts.
Thank you for reading and commenting. You clearly set boundaries and know your own worth. Showing up like that in the world is powerful. I coach
entrepreneurs and see that so many of them get insecure because of
criticism. Or even worse, they think of giving up. Just like I did in
the situation I am writing about in this article. Thank you so much.
Hi Esther,
This is a great article.
No matter how much we’d like to admit it, we all need approval at times.
You made some key points that resonated with me personally. One thing I’ve learned in my own life is not to let it affect you negatively. If you can disconnect the emotion from it, and think to yourself: Is this something that can help me?
Sometimes the feedback is not solicited, but even so, it still might be true.
Just my thoughts.
Laura Beth
Laura Beth
thank you so much esther! this exercise is exactly what i need in my situation right now. you have put a smile to my day :). after following the steps above, i realized that without the bad thoughts clouding me at the moment due to criticism like questioning my self worth, i become the best version of maker in me 😀 thanks again, bless you! 🙂
Thank you Mark! I am so glad that you have profited from this exercise. It is though not a one of exercise. We have to do it again and again until the 4 questions come alive in us and we ask them automatically in moments when we feel unease. Welcome to this journey!
Hi Laura,
I am happy that this article resonated with you. What you write is so true. Thank you for reminding us. Byron Katie says something similar with “Everything happens for you and not to you”.
Hi Esther, really enjoyed the post! I like how you present the questions and take us through your process of answering them. It’s amazing how one critical comment can make us feel like the image in this post – even in a sea of praise. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Thank you. This made me smile. I’ve always had trouble taking any type of criticism. Weird thing is that I’ve been criticized by my family so much that I began believing their critical comments. I completely agree with you that we should look at the underlying thoughts and feelings and not the critical comment itself.
I am glad Anne that you have found value in this article. Hopefully it will change the
way of how you look at criticism. Thank you for commenting.
Thank you Cylon.
Exactly this is what happened to me, I disregarded all the praise and
gave credit only to the one criticism. I discovered only later why I
did that, and now I shared it hoping that others can learn from my
situation.
Hi Ester–
Thanks for this important discussion. I am adding my related story here.
I used to work for small companies where I often got into screaming battles with the boss. I brought this negative behavior to my men’s group. Here’s the advice I got.
First, it’s good to be constantly proactive by doing regular affirmations, like: “I am a lovable person.”
And second–to know that no one pushes my buttons. My boss’s projections are about him, not me. Whenever he shouts at me I am to come back with a quiet but rational expression–“I hear your dissatisfaction with my behavior. Can we talk about it?”
Thank you Don. It is powerful what you write. I feel the positive energy and power of that calmness.
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Good and helpful article. It makes me to think about how I respond to a nasty criticism too!
Thank you Shanker. All the best to you!
Fantastic article.
Thank you Brian.
What you wrote reminded me of criticism I’ve had in the past. One person says something critical and suddenly you forget all the good things people have said. You sink into disillusionment. I have an ex-friend who, no matter how many times we try to be friends, nails me with sarcasm and put downs when she’s in a bad mood. I forgive and try to forget but this last time, I gave up. Then I worried how I was going to explain my distance and if I should address the issue. I started going round and round with “what ifs” and finally realized I owe her no explanation. Confronting her would only start the sarcasm and put downs again. This time I won’t explain and will tell her to stop asking me questions.