“That I feed the hungry, forgive an insult, and love my enemy…. these are great virtues.
But what if I should discover that the poorest of the beggars and the most impudent of offenders are all within me, and that I stand in need of the alms of my own kindness; that I myself am the enemy who must be loved? What then?” ~Carl Jung
Mornings are delicious in the desert. In a summer climate that pushes above 100 degrees day after day, you learn to appreciate lingering cool gifts of pre-dawn hours.
I’m typically awake by 5am these days. It’s the best time to open the windows and door to the patio to let new air in.
On occasion, a sporty cactus wren has seen the open door as an invitation to come inside and have a look around. I delight in their curiosity and spunk, hopping from the doorway to the lamp on my desk, pausing to assimilate data before zooming out again.
One day, a bee flew in and did not have nearly as much fun as the wrens.
The bee went straight to the screened window, just a few feet from the open door, and stubbornly tried to will himself through. Up and down the screen, buzzing against it, the same spot many, many times with no success.
On the other side of the screen, a leafy shade beckoned, but he could not get through. I watched and wondered why the bee continued to try the same thing repeatedly with no success. Not even a hint of success.
Can you dig the metaphor? In what area of life could you be stuck in a similar scenario?
We say we want happiness, peace of mind, harmonious relationships, someone to trust us, a more fulfilling job, healthier body, less stress, substantial joy. We say we want that, but we are so often the bee in the window, flying into the screen between us and the place we want to be.
A fresh perspective may reveal a nearby open door.
Years ago, I was the target of an unpleasant display of road rage. It was a simple scenario: I was going seventy miles per hour in the far left lane with another car parallel in the middle right lane. A hulky pick-up came hurrying up behind me and wanted to pass.
He rode my bumper and flicked his lights to make sure I knew. To effectively get out of his way, I would have had to speed up past my desire and overtake the car to my right. It was a no-win situation for me, so I let it go and assumed he’d find another way around.
Eventually, he succeeded: furiously zigzagged backward then forward, crossed three lanes, and zoomed into the path ahead of me. It was an impressive, totally reckless feat. As he moved in front of me, he stuck his muscular, tanned arm out and gave me the bird with a stiff, angry fist and explosive finger.
Apparently, I upset the guy. Not only was seventy miles per hour too slow, it was personal; it was something I was doing to him.
Maybe he thought the other car and I were in on it together, conspiring to block his lane. Maybe he was in a crisis—though, why bother summoning energy to get angry at me when you’re focused on solving an urgent dilemma?
Why do we get so angry in traffic? Or in check out lines? Or in so many similar scenes played out with people we don’t even know?
Why isn’t seventy miles per hour (essentially a mile a minute) fast enough?
The challenge for me in that moment was to find the right question. Mostly, I felt bad for the guy, dosing himself with such an ugly gesture. His roar that did nothing to improve the spin of the planet or make his day roll smoothly.
From his perspective, I jammed his joy. From my vantage, he could have swiped mine. I chose to keep mine and wish for him to find his.
If we stop flying into the screen and look for a way around, much of the tension dissolves. Flipping me off with muscular anger may have seemed like a path to satisfaction for the guy on the road, but my guess is it took a painful bite out of his soul.
Watching an old episode of “House” adds another layer. Dr. Chase was preparing to speak to the hospital review board regarding a case of negligence. While the gist of the plot focused on ramifications from his mistake, the bigger story was about lying and truth telling.
I wish I could go back and count the number of times one character said to another: “You’re lying.” Every time, it turned out to be an accurate call. Everyone lied repeatedly, about big stuff as well as little stuff, and they constantly called each other on it until deeper truths were revealed.
We seem to lie because we fear consequences. If I tell the truth now, I’ll get fired, sued, rejected—consequences imposed by an outside force. It’s a convenient explanation for why we side-step honesty, even when we know being upfront is the most direct path to repair and clarity.
I believe we lie, not because we fear what “they” will do to us, but to avoid internal consequences; self-awareness unavoidably brings on a lot of responsibility.
In this particular episode of “House,” Dr. Chase lied and said he wasn’t tuned in to the patient because he had a hangover; in reality, he was grief-stricken by news from home.
Claiming he was negligent due to a hangover demands harsher consequences than the more human (and accurate) version of the story. So what advantage did the lie provide? When we deny the real cause, we relieve ourselves from having to do anything in response.
More often than not, our lies serve to keep us in the dark, internally fragmented from areas of self unattractive to our conscious mind. Even more stubbornly, and more damaging, we lie to avoid the deeper reality of our greatness.
This is the part to watch out for. We don’t just seek to avoid negative consequences; we also lie to avoid the responsibility of our own loving nature, the full potential of creativity or expansiveness of an authentic self.
The guy on the road lies to himself when he says: we’re not all in this together; it’s me against them and they suck. That’s an internal lie designed to protect the self from having to accept the call to do good. Let off the hook in that regard, he’s free to throw his tantrum while a powerless power surges through.
Each of us has the potential to enhance this world and our experience of it, in any given context. Tapping that potential demands more discipline than we may be willing to cultivate.
It’s not easier to be mired in volatile emotions. It’s not easier to get from point A to point B in a sea of rage. It’s not easier to get to the nectar through the screen of our tired habits. It’s not easier; it’s just familiar.
Happiness is the exotic commodity in our world. True peace of mind, resonant joy, sparkling sense of self, and purpose—all exotic to our distracted sensibility. The many miles between us and this exotic honey are cobbled by dishonesty, fragmentation, and fear of responsibility.
But discipline isn’t “hard” and it’s not a leash restraining passion. Mindfulness is harmony. When all of our parts are working together, life hums around us.
The bee catches a breeze and is blown off course, through the open door.
The driver turns up the volume on a song, a good memory, a heartbeat and overlooks momentary annoyances. Then, arriving at his destination brings more of himself to the party. The doctor admits his grief—or his need for love—and the world is healed.
About Laurie Perez
Laurie Perez (Joybroker) is a mentor, mediator and guide to enlightenment in everyday circumstances. Author of Inner Garden and WakeUP and creator of leading edge events like Arizona Tempest, Vivid Dinner and Head Over Heels, Laurie builds bridges for cubicle slaves to cross into the lyrical world. Like Joybroker on Facebook or tweet @joybroker on Twitter.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Love this!
Such a beautiful post! 🙂
Wonderful. I love this! May I share on my blog, with full credit to you, at http://earthmama02.wordpress.com/?
Wrens are particularly good at finding their way in and back out again. Many other birds (robins, for instance) would do the same thing as the bee. I really like the metaphor. Just like the bee, we don’t realize that we’re banging against something hard. It really looks like eventually it will work.
Can you not see that tenaciously clinging to and defending your 70 mph in the fast lane was your bee against the screen? You could have slowed down or sped up and gotten into the middle lane where you belonged. (We don’t belong in the fast lane unless we are passing. That’s the law.) It’s no wonder he was pissed. But I thank you because you have done a great job of showing how your “lie” caused tension for you.
Thank you, Deanna! Yes, please share – how lovely 🙂
I love it! Yes – I did move into a different lane as soon as I could safely – the whole circumstance happened over a course of a few minutes, dear – it was a result of going with the flow. When I realized I couldn’t adjust to serve the driver behind me, I had to accept that for the moment I was in the way. Such is life! We’re all at any given moment doing the best we can and there’s always room for upgrading what that “best” can be.
I’ve never had a robin come inside – a hummingbird once – she needed help to find her way back out, too. Thank you for reflecting!
Thank you!
Cheers! Thank you, dear!
I’m sorry, but I’m still stuck on the part where you stayed in the left lane and blocked traffic. Next time, please turn on your right blinker to indicate your intentions and then slow down to get into the middle lane. It would have taken only 15-30 seconds to do that. And he would have waited and allowed you to do so.
the laws vary by state, so no, there is not necessarily a law that states the left lane is for passing only. only if there is a sign saying so is it law. i think the author did what i would. the fast lane is still subject to speed laws, and there are few places with limits above seventy. if you need to get somewhere that fast, you cant blame others.for following the law. road rage kills people more than going the normal speed limit in the left lane. anyway, love the article, thanks!
Yes – it seems so simple from this angle. And yes, it was really only a flicker of time in which this all happened. I was in that lane for the same reason he was – to pass the car on my right – but that car sped up as I did. C’est la vie. When all parties are doing their best, all may be doing it wrong. The question isn’t so much about traffic etiquette – which is important, I agree – but about the intensity of response and what that says about our emotional states and how we view our options and our place in the world. Moments in time… Thank you for caring about the details!
Delighted! You write very well. Metaphors used were very thoughtful. 🙂 Please continue to write more.
Thank you, Melly – I appreciate your reflection!
If we are all in this together, why didn’t you slow down and move behind the car in the lane to the right of you? Sometimes people truly have a NEED to get somewhere – someone dying, someone giving birth. If we were all in this together, instead of letting him figure it out, you could have aided him. Some people want to speed because they are just jerks, others because they have somewhere very important to go. You have no idea which it is, so you could have been more helpful. I usually like this blog, and I understand the point of this post, but the analogy is all wrong.
Darling, with him behind me, I could not safely “slow down to move behind the car in the lane to the right…” This story may not have existed had that been a safe option for me! I would love to have been more helpful to him – and anyone to whom I may be of service. As I’ve shared with others who replied about this detail, it was a very brief experience – being kind is always an option, even if you believe the person is behaving badly or assume they could do better. Thank you for caring about everyone involved!
This post gives me strength. Thank you Laurie, it’s beautifully written and it carries a powerful message that I hopes reaches others like me.
My question to this blog post is simple: why were you going seventy miles per hour in the far left lane and surprised your inaction pissed someone off?? He flicked his lights, which is the universal sign for “please move over, I am moving fast”. That wasn’t road rage you experience, that was frustration at you driving slowing in the fast lane and not making any attempt to compromise and let him by, even after he signaled his intent. He did what he felt he had to in order to move forward. He may have been extremely late to a job, heading to the hospital, or something worse. Or maybe he just likes to go fast. You actually were the bee in the screen door, not him, refusing to budge. You didn’t, literally, move outside your comfort zone to add to the flow of the universe. To have been kind and loving in this situation, in a Buddhist-way, would have seen one take a different action. The one of least resistence and positive: slightly speeding up and move over in front of the parallel car and allow him to pass without incident. In fact, THAT would have been a much better story and analogy…
Perhaps it’s possible to be loving and kind without having all the answers or drawing all the conclusions. As I’ve clarified for others here, “slightly speeding up” was not an option in that scenario – it would have required reckless and aggressive speed to overtake the car to my right – I was already well above the legal limit. The truck came up very fast, dangerously on my bumper – I did what I could the best I knew how, being the one in the heart of the experience, and trusted it would all work out.
Like you, dear, I pondered the same questions about what might be going on with him when I wrote, “maybe he was in a crisis” – I also openly wondered if making hostile gestures (flipping me off) with such intense anger was really the most nourishing use of his energy in that moment, especially if he were in a crisis. We’ll never know what his story was, but I do know I wished him well and moved on to contemplate larger questions. It was a flicker of time, rich in value, ripe for healing.
Thank you for amplifying hope and strength in your reflection!
Beautiful response Laurie. Vicencza, I don’t care what his reason was for being rude and aggressive. Nothing justifies treating others in a mean and nasty manner, no matter how much you think they ‘deserve’ it. In treating others poorly, they may briefly feel the pain, but we ourselves lose so much more. And that kind of behavior, regardless of its cause, is bullying. I don’t support bullying.
Yes the left lane is for going fast, fine I get that, but people need to understand they are driving these huge metallic machines at dangerous speeds where one slight mistake can cost lives.
I know several people who have been in accidents due to someone else’s recklessness and ‘road rage’. Fortunately, my friends and family only suffered minor injuries, but I know it could have been much, much worse.
As Laurie said: Each of us has the potential to enhance this world and our experience of it, in any given context. Tapping that potential demands more discipline than we may be willing to cultivate.
Laurie, I too, am working on letting go of these mishaps on the roadways. Getting worked up over them saps energy and joy out of my day. I am learning to let go.
Thank you for a good article 🙂
I am disappointed at how many of us are stuck on the speed limit part of the story. I think it says more about each of us than it does about the lessons LEARNED from that experience.
It also disappoints me how many of us think the other driver’s behavior was okay. If you had been in Laurie’s place and someone treated you like that, how many would be willing to consider may be he was late or in a rush?
I don’t think it matters. Let’s think of it outside of driving: when people push us around and are rude to us, for reasons we don’t understand, how many of us think that’s okay? What if Laurie was walking up stairs and someone pushed past her because they were late for a meeting and treated her rudely for ‘being in the way’?
As Laurie said in her comment below: “I had to accept that for the moment I was in the way. Such is life!
We’re all at any given moment doing the best we can and there’s always
room for upgrading what that “best” can be.”
Why do we think treating someone rudely when they ‘seem to deserve it’ is okay? When did unwritten, social driving etiquette become more important than the universal law of treat all with kindness?
Thank you for opening your heart, Jas!
Such heartfelt, worthy questions! Thank you for exploring so thoughtfully. The invitations to be kind, to accept, to grow never expire and keep arriving in our most common experiences 🙂
I’m a first time reader here and I am blown away by the quick judgements people are placing on you because you did or didn’t do something. Why didn’t you get over? Why were you in that lane to begin with? Who cares? Is that the point? I think it is more to the point that you, a fallible co-sufferer, brought up an interesting point and used a personal situation to educate yourself and others. Take the lesson and say thank you or keep your mouth shut.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could freeze time in the midst of situations like that and actually connect with each other? Can you imagine – the driver behind me could say what’s going on with him and hear what’s going on with me and then we could get back to driving… In a way, the exchanges here provide that kind of opportunity. Imperfect, passionate, judgmental, yet expressed! On the road, these thoughts are zooming by us, weaving through the fabric of our experience – here, we bring them to light and hopefully discharge them for good – for the greater good. Grace to you, my dear! Thank you.
Thank you, Love! I appreciate your encouragement 🙂
I liked your article Laurie and agree with the metaphor. But I think you are missing the picture others are trying to impress on you, which ironically does parallels the bee! Please allow me to try again in a little different way to explain it, and in looking at the many responses maybe you will come to the resemblence of the bee?
Being a professional truck driver I have witnessed many cases of road rage where many would have never happened if some drivers would remember what they were taught in Driver’s Ed (albeit most are not given the opportunity of classes in driving rights anymore). Part of that teaching was that driving is a priviledge given, not a right! Many have learned that the hard way when licenses get revoked. There is also the obeying rules and regulations of the road, which those are mostly for safety and courteous actions toward other drivers. Now obviously the gentleman (loosly said) in the pickup was very discourteous. But who was discourteous first?
Your statement was ” the whole circumstance happened over a course of a few minutes, dear – it was a result of going with the flow”. But you should have been taught that checking for traffic flow would have meant to “judge” your time to pass and looking in mirror to make sure your doing so safely and timely. If you had seen the pickup gaining faster than yourself in the outside lane, the courteous thing to do would be to let him pass first, there by not hampering traffic flow.
Being discourteous can be in many examples, with the extreme made by the gentleman in the pickup. But the law and drivers education teaches you courteousness comes in many ways! And that discourteous actions can lead to more discourteous actions. It doesn’t mean that everyone in the far left lane are either ignorant of the law or hording that lane. It behoves us to remember that all drivers are human and are apt to make mistakes. Forgiveness and patience is always the best advice in being courteous toward other drivers.
May I please also impress on whoever might read this that truck drivers do not have the advantages of acceleration that many four wheelers do. To regain momentum many times means long delays and costly fuel! Please be exceptionally patient for us who are trying desperately to make a living in the quagmire of traffic many take for granted. And many truck drivers make mistakes also, as well as a few who maybe shouldn’t be driving a truck at all. Please don’t sterotype all truck drivers, many who drive millions of miles without incident. Thanks
Darling! It was a pickup, not a semi – but oh, how sweet your coaching
is! The emphasis on each of us doing what we can to make the path
smoother for those around us – I so agree with that. Can we all just
allow for the possibility that life is messy and we all could do better,
but sometimes one person just cannot accommodate what someone else
needs in the moment? Yes – we can meet here, where life is on the line –
and being kind makes every aspect feel more honorable and good. Thank
you, Dearheart!
To answer this directly, Luv: “Now obviously the gentleman (loosely said) in the pickup was very discourteous. But who was discourteous first” – I only want to suggest that the question carries assumption and the conclusion drawn from those assumptions is a judgment lacking further detail. Who was discourteous first? Even if I fit that bill, you haven’t asked me why I was in that situation and you haven’t asked the fella if he was honorable in his aggression… I moved there to avoid – to get around – to do the same thing all drivers are doing in that lane – and then I found myself in a predicament with no instantaneous out. How lovely to have avoided that and saved the populace this one dilemma – how much lovelier to know: the world accommodates each one of us us in our striving for the grace that moves us forward.
Oh – and one last clarification – the assumption that I saw the pickup before I moved is inaccurate – I saw him when he came up on me.
hahaha, i’m reading all of these posts about people getting annoyed at your driving speed. they missed the point of your article. they need to think about some happy memories before typing and realize you’re only human.
you’re right in your article, it’s best to focus on what’s good and ride out the rough obstacles as smoothly and calm as possible. what good does being angry make? it’s a waste of energy when you realize everything is temporary.
Yay levity! Thank you, Wendy 🙂
“Cuando no des en el blanco, no guardes rencor. Busca la razón dentro de ti mismo. Cuando des al blanco, busca con más fuerza”. GRACIAS POR COMPARTIR MARAVILLOSOS TEMAS. UN GRAN ABRAZO.
Gracias, Budamaritza!
I too am amazed at the comments that picked out one fragment of the story to focuse on, often missing the messageof the entire story.
It reminds me of the (negative) trend that has showed up in recent years of what should otherwise be a selfless act of civility. People who are holding doors open for others will say a “you’re welcome” with hostility if the person they are holding it open for does not repond with a “thank you” as they walk through.
You are holding the door open as an selfless act to assist the other person. You do not know what is happening with them now. Are you only holding it open for the ego building of someone thanking you? To me it does not make sense, why throw that kind of negativity out there when it does not need to be?
Thank you, sweetheart. Your craving for natural civility, kindness for the sake of kindness and grace in the mix immediately reminded me of something I wrote a few months ago – it may resonate with you. The piece began:
“Let’s
all agree to be better stewards of each others’ well-being by stocking
up on resilient self-love that makes each of us an authentic, richly
funded resource for good.” READ THE REST http://tinyurl.com/betterstewards
Laurie, I found your article through a Google search about how we lie to ourselves. I am seeking enlightenment on the subject and your words suit the topic well. A little personal reflection would help us all be better to each other. I once heard a line that we lie to ourselves so much because we’re good liars and we’re gullible so it’s a great match. I just want to say I really like your style and thoughtfulness and will be checking out more of your words.
Also, I’m surprised by how active you are in the comments. Your story had great depth and thoughtfulness while many that commented are stuck on a silly point that they happen to be wrong about. Never did you state you were in the fast lane to prove a point or enforce the speed limit. This kind of fast & spontaneous encounter doesn’t warrant such a venomous response from the other driver. It was unreasonable at best. I enjoy the way you not only reflect on your own stare of mind, but also the other guy’s. I had never considered how roadrageaholics are lying to themselves so that they can treat others with less civility guilt-free. It makes total sense though. I must say you deserve a higher level of discourse in the comments. Bravo to you for being so strong about it.