“Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight.” ~Gordon B. Hinckley
I have been interested in personal development for as long as I can remember.
I devour books about increasing confidence, happiness, self-worth, and intuition. I‘m inspired by articles about self-care, living intentionally, and aligning with your purpose in life. I have read many fabulous books over the last decade, all with their own nuggets of wisdom and insight.
Recently, I was reading the book, Supercoach, 10 Secrets to Transform Anyone’s Life by Michael Neill. In his book, Michael describes how many of his clients go through a phase where they feel unsettled as they begin to make positive changes in their lives.
Michael talks about how his clients literally begin “worrying about not being worried.” They feel that something is missing from their lives when they no longer have the struggles and challenges they once faced.
The idea that on some level, we are attached to our struggles and fear losing them (or who we might become when we lose them) struck me. Why would we want to hold on to what causes us pain?
I started to think about my own life. Who would I be without my struggles, challenges, and problems?
Who would I be if I didn’t have to worry about money or how to pay my mortgage?
Who would I be if I didn’t have to agonize over decisions about my children, but instead completely trusted my inner wisdom?
Who would I be if I had full confidence in myself and cared for my personal needs without guilt?
And maybe more importantly, who would be able to relate to me if I didn’t struggle? What kind of conversations would I have with friends and family if I had nothing to complain about? Would we have anything left to talk about at all?
The truth is, as I examined these questions, I realized that the answers were mostly tied to my ego: I wanted to have a purpose (which solving problems permitted) and I wanted to be liked (by people who could relate to my problems).
The more I thought about the answers to these questions, the more I realized that this was not the kind of person that I wanted to be.
I didn’t want my purpose to be about putting out fires or worrying about the future, and I definitely didn’t want people to feel connected to me only because we shared the same struggles.
I want to be someone who lives with intention and makes a difference in the lives of the people around me. I want to be someone who enjoys life and who inspires others by living this way. Most importantly, I want to be an example for my children.
For me, this was an eye opening insight. Ever since, when I notice myself getting worried or stressed out, or when I find myself complaining, I stop and ask myself how I might be attached to my current situation and why. I question whether I can make a different choice or react in a different way.
I may not be able to change the situation in that moment, but I can change my thoughts about it and my approach going forward.
Life isn’t always going to be a piece of cake. We’re here to learn, grow, and experience the full spectrum of life. We’ll have good experiences and not-so-good experiences. For some reason, it seems easier to get caught up in the not-so-good ones.
We can dwell on the challenges because it seems to give us that automatic bond to others who are experiencing the same crisis. We instantly connect with the other sleep-deprived moms, or the co-workers complaining about the boss in the lunch room. As humans, we crave that connection.
But what if we connected over the joys in life, not just the pains? What if we connected by lifting each other up and supporting each other instead of tearing each other down? What if we talked more about the beauty in life than about the ugliness?
There will always be times in life where we need support. I can’t promise to never complain again, or stress out, or need to vent to a girlfriend. But I’m working on it. Will you join me?
About Michelle Kirsch
Michelle Kirsch is a transformational coach & writer who helps women increase their clarity & confidence and build a business that feels true and authentic. For fresh ideas & inspiration to create the business and life you desire, visit http://michellekirsch.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Good article. Misery definitely loves company, but so does joy and gratitude!
these are all questions i needed to ask myself. thank you for the insight. i definitely need to pick up the michael neill book you mentioned. did it help transform your life positively to what it is now?
Have you read The Big Leap by Hendricks? He talks about a similar thing – living in your zones of comfort rather than taking the leap to live in your Zone Of Genius. Similar stuff. If you haven’t read it, I think you’d like it.
No affiliation, it just came to mind while reading this 🙂
Thanks so much for your comments Anna. I have read The Big Leap and I agree, it’s another fantastic book! Highly recommended!
Thank you for your comments Scilly! I have read a lot of personal development books and I think each one has allowed me to ask important questions and affected my growth in a positive way. Some books have more impact than others, but I can’t say that it’s been just one that has transformed my life. This book is a wonderful place to start though and I’m sure you’d enjoy it!
Thanks James! I totally agree – so why not choose the one you’d rather have as company, right?
Great personal insight. I think it’s always so fulfilling to discover the truth about why you are feeling the things you’re feeling, so then you can choose whether to accept them or change them, as opposed to them happening without you noticing. In this way you have taken your power back. Thanks for sharing!
God doesn’t struggle.
Thank you Tara! It definitely is empowering!
I’ll join you!
Awesome!
Awesome article! We all get stuck in the struggle from time to time. Definitely sharing!
Thanks Michelle for this great article. I have being stuck for many years some things I could have changed and felt powerless to and others were just out of my control. I got up left everything and moved away to start a fresh. I am in worse financial position now than then but I am happier and feel much more free.
I am working on getting to a much better place and is patient it will happen. I worry about my future but haven’t gotten to the stage where I can even worry about not worry as yet but you are absolutely right.
I realize that there are things out mf my control and focus on changing the things I can. The things in the past and those in the future that are out of my control I try to avoid worrying about and focus on being mindful of now.
Thanks for a great article.
Hi Michelle
Great post and I think this is one of those things that our conscious mind would dismiss as being nonsense. The part of our mind calling the shots is not rational however, and holds a mismash of all sorts of strange beliefs. Everything we do and think is serving us somehow, as crazy as it would seem, or we wouldn’t be holding on. If we can realize that, we are in a great position to figure out why we do what we do, and think what we think. And from there, we can really make great strides in shifting what is holding us back and finding true peace and happiness.
Great post! I love your perspective and message! Thank you for sharing your insight, well written/beautifully stated! 🙂
Thanks so much Elizabeth!
Thank you for sharing your story Rose. Congratulations on your fresh start and focusing on the things you can control. Good luck to you!
Thanks so much for your thoughts Kelli! I agree, there are so many beliefs tucked away and they are all doing their best to serve us, even if it doesn’t make logical sense. Sometimes just bringing awareness to them helps to open the doors to change. 🙂
Thank you so much for your comments! I’m glad you enjoyed the post 🙂
Really interesting post. Do you think that cling to the certainties in our lives- even if they are negative- because they’re easier to deal with than change?
I know that I have, in the past, stayed in bad situations simply due to fear of making the leap into a potentially much better situation.
Thanks for the great read.
I apreciate your call for concious dialog. It takes so much awareness and then boldness to live outside the reactive habits. I know for me it’s a challenge. Though I think if we can build a culture of speaking from truth humanity will take a leap forward. Let’s do this!
I completely agree that it’s easier to dwell in the not-so-good experiences. It’s a vicious cycle where one person starts complaining and everyone just pitches in. I have been making a tremendous effort this year to complain less to my family and friends. It has been such a challenge because of what I went through with my former friends. However, I have been careful with my words and have been doing my best to deal with the situation proactively. Instead of complaining about the terrible things my former friends have done, I have been simply ignoring their negative behavior. I didn’t realize that my reaction of anger and disgust was enabling them to act negatively again and again. Some of my close friends have already noticed the change in me and I actually do feel liberated from this situation that has been holding me down. I was letting a negative experience affect me over and over when all the while, I didn’t have to let it affect me or my life. Thank you for this post!
Very interesting approach, Michelle. Thank you for those insights. I’m going to ask myself this question next time I’m in a negative spiral.
Great insight!! Who would i be without my struggles?
An excellent ideology!
Amazing article. Really made me think how right you are. Thanks x