“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama
It’s probably happened to you. In all likelihood, it has happened multiple times in your life thus far.
You don’t understand why it happens. And when it does, it can throw you into the deepest valleys of despair.
Perhaps you cry out to a higher power to make things better. Maybe you just stare into the cosmos, wondering what the meaning of life is and why things get tough.
I’ve been there. Many times. For all sorts of reasons.
Breakups, career problems, dealing with a death, financial issues, there are a million things that can put you into this frame of mind.
You know what you want more than anything, but no matter what you do, the universe just doesn’t seem to give it to you. Why? Why can’t things just be easier, simpler? Why can’t things get better?
Why can’t we get what we want?
A few years ago I was going through an extremely difficult time in my life. My fiancé of four years had broken up with me. Over the phone.
No visit. No long talk about how we could maybe work it out. She just told me she couldn’t do it anymore.
And just like that, I was thrown into that valley.
I spent the next few months searching for answers. I read through different religious texts, self-help sites, and scientific books. I prayed, I meditated, and I even tried to visualize the thing that I wanted the most.
I just wanted my fiancé back.
My work suffered at my job, though I didn’t notice. It took an old friend, one of my bosses, calling me into his office and having an honest conversation for me to realize that I was basically coasting through the weeks.
In the evenings, I was plagued by dreams of my ex. In them, we were happy and together. Everything had worked out.
Of course, I always woke up in the middle of the night, sweating and crying. Yeah, I woke up crying.
I was raised to believe in a higher power. But during those nights of torture, I found myself pounding my pillow and begging him/her to make everything better.
Nothing ever got better, though.
Talks with friends yielded no good counsel. As a student of the psychological sciences, and a counselor myself, their cliché words only served to frustrate me.
“There’s a reason for everything.” “If it’s meant to be.” “Time heals all wounds.” The more I heard their fortune cookie advice, the angrier I became.
And the whole time, I continued to beg the higher power to fix everything.
One day at my job, I was talking to one of the teachers I worked with. She was a huge fan of Native American history and had an interesting perspective on my predicament.
She suggested that I go on a vision quest.
I’d done one of these when I was in graduate school as part of an assignment. We had studied the ancient technique the natives used when they were searching for answers, so I was pretty familiar with the process.
If you don’t know what a vision quest is, you go out to a place where all you can do is observe the world around you and focus intensely on the thoughts that come as a result.
This time, though, the stakes were much higher than on my previous quest.
I decided to do it on a weekend and woke up the following Saturday morning with one mission in mind: to find answers.
The former capital of the Cherokee nation was only twenty minutes from my house, now set aside as a state park. I figured what better place to do a vision quest than where the Native Americans used to live?
It was a chilly morning, and the forests surrounding the historical site were thick with fog as I began my walk.
I stopped at various points along the way to meditate and pray. There was one spot next to a gentle brook where I watched the birds and squirrels scurrying about their day, mirroring the many thoughts and feelings rushing around in my head.
While nature was peaceful around me, a storm still raged in my heart centering around a single question: Why can’t I have what I want?
I continued the walk, writing down every thought and emotion that came to my mind. Minutes turned into hours and, as I neared the fourth hour of my quest, I decided it was getting close to time for me to leave. Empty handed.
I neared the top of a ridge at the edge of the sacred land and looked up into the leafy canopy of the forest. Poplar, oak, and maple leaves hung silently above me.
“I just want to know why you won’t fix this for me,” I said out loud, bitterly.
Suddenly, my mind was whisked back to the school where I work to a point a few weeks before and a conversation I’d had with one of my students. I’d walked into the computer classroom to see what everyone was working on that day and he’d gotten my attention.
“Hey, can you fix my grade in this class so I can pass?”
The question caught me off guard and I laughed. “Yeah, I can do that,” I surprised him with my answer. As a school counselor, I have access to that kind of stuff.
His face became hopeful. “You can?”
I went on to explain to him that I could do that, but I wouldn’t.
He asked why.
I told him it was because if I fixed everything for him like that, he would never learn anything.
My brain zipped back to the moment, standing on the forest trail. The realization punched me in the face like Mike Tyson in his prime.
A smile crept onto my face. Then I began to laugh and looked back up into the treetops. A robust breeze rolled in, waving the high branches around dramatically.
I continued to smile as I spun around staring dizzily into the rustling leaves.
That was it. If someone or something always fixed everything for me all the time, I would never learn anything. More than that, I would never be able to do anything for myself in life. I would always be dependent on someone or something else to make things better for me.
I would never be able to learn another language, live in a foreign environment, try new foods or activities, or grow as a person in any way.
Sometimes in life things happen that can be difficult, and often they can be extremely painful. We must push through those moments where all seems lost. When we do, we can find a new us on the other side that is wiser and more beautiful than we ever imagined.
By working through these difficult changes in life, we grow into something new, better, stronger.
To paraphrase what the Rolling Stones said: You can’t always get what you want. But you get what you need.
Photo by Zigg-E
About Ernest Dempsey
Ernest Dempsey is a Counselor and fiction author from Chattanooga, Tennessee. You can check out his books or his powerful blog posts at ernestdempsey.net or follow him on Twitter @ErnDempsey.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Ernest
This piece found me at such a RIGHT time! How amazing that first we must always always help ourselves first before the Universe can help us 🙂 Thanks so much for this article. I discovered for myself that because I think that the ‘Higher Power’ will take care of this, I just sit back and become passive. Sometimes it becomes an excuse to not take action and move forward. Of course, believing in a Higher Power is not wrong but first we must learn to completely fend for ourselves.
BTW, what did you do in regards to your fiance?
Thank you sooooo much again! Your previous article on helping others was also amazing 🙂 True human-ness!
Keep rocking 😀
Good words! I have been struggling with the end of my first serious relationship and the death of my mother in such a short span of time. This ‘crucible’ has taught me many things, some of which you mention in this article. I believe that a ‘Higher Power’ does not give us direct answers, much like you discovered. They come in pieces and parts through observation and syncronicity. Much like the teacher gives a student a ‘hint’ as to the right answer. Thank you for your insights and for helping me discover my own!
-Nick
Great comment, Nick.
I love what you said about synchronicity. Sounds like you’ve been hit pretty hard with the pouring rain.
I’ll be sending some positive vibes out into the universe just for you. 🙂
You’re more than welcome, Esha. 🙂
Your comments are right on. Just be sure to keep in mind that, while we are working on ourselves, true balance is also achieved by helping others. In fact, I just posted an article on my site today about that. Coincidence that this one ran at the same time? Not a chance. Synchronicity, like Nick said. 🙂
The ultimate balance for us is to better ourselves through mindfulness of our actions and by helping others. I get fired up just thinking about it.
As for the fiancé, it hurt for a while, as those things always do. But in the end, I dodged a huge bullet with that one. Eventually, I moved on, and am way happier than I ever could have been had we stayed together. 🙂
Again this is a great article. I have been through this many many times, and I kept thinking I was being punish for something. And it wasn’t until months sometimes years later that all of those things happened in order to make me stronger. I am a much better person because of those things.
Nicely put together piece, Ernest. Your story telling skills are quite very well developed 🙂
Wow, Earnest this is great and you are right. All things happen for a reason and they do make us into a better person if we just let them.
Thank you for sharing this very meaning full post. Great way to start out my week.
Blessings to you and I hope you have found that right lady.
Debbie
Thanks, Alexey. That’s a really nice thing to say. I appreciate the compliment. 🙂
Thanks for the compliment, Talya.
It is so tough to step back and see the big picture from objective eyes. Glad you are at a better point in your life now. 🙂
You’re very welcome, Debbie. And thank you for the kind words. 🙂
I love that the article helped you get the week off to a good start 🙂
Ernest, you are adorbs and your ex is a silly girl. I hope you found the right one! Thanks for the great post.
🙂
Words of inspiration..thanks! i’ve been pining for my ex-bf for over 3 years after he left me for another woman. I often question myself as to why I continue to hurt MYSELF by thinking bout him/them. I think, he didn’t give me closure, he just left, no chance to meet him to discuss, etc. then I think, maybe it’s my ego, feelings of rejection or abandonment? I don’t know, and will never know I suppose. But then, something brought me to your page 😉
This is one more veridical fact that can happen with anyone, are trials that we must pass in our existence.
What we can do? Lift our head up, trust in the major force or divine force that we have faith and keep walking in the road of life which is full of happiness, beauty and peace waiting for us…
Thank you Ernest. I wish you a lot of moments of happiness in your life!!
Your timing is impeccable is ever. Your words give me hope and direction. Maybe you be richly blessed
That’s how it is isn’t? It seems we stay in a place until we learn the lesson that was needed at that moment. I just got chills up my spine. I know its confirmation for me. I’m in Panama and have been looking to sell and head back to the states. I have been trying to sell for a couple of years. Saying to myself why the hell am I still here? Yelling at God when prayers weren’t answered. I’ve got to get back and help my mom. I am of no help to people sitting here in this jungle during the rainy season. I got the message to open my heart more and start writing so that’s what Ive been doing. Sharing the life experiences in my words may be just that thing that helps others. Your words helped me and maybe my words will help someone else.
Loved it!
Great article Ernest, thanks for sharing! It’s a great reminder that tough times are life’s classroom, helping us to evolve and become our best selves, synchronistically bumping us into circumstances that will eventually suit us better and arm us with the wisdom we need to go on and help ourselves and help others in future. B 🙂
Well said. And thank you for the compliment. 🙂
Now you’re talkin!
I love this. Even though you are struggling with this issue right now, try to embrace it and meet it head on. Sounds like you are already. Own it. No one else could deal with this. So, it is your honor to bear this burden. But you are uniquely equipped to handle it. I know you can.
And I love that you are focusing on helping others as well. So key. 🙂
Thank you. I truly appreciate knowing this. 🙂
Thank you! And you’re very welcome. Plus, you showed me a new word: veridical! Very cool. 🙂
Ha! Thank you! I’ve never been called adorbs before. Glad it finally happened. 😉
Great article. Thanks for sharing.
I’m glad you found it inspirational. Closure is such a tough thing to try and find. I really feel like it is something that can only come when you stop looking for it. Sometimes it can take a while to even get to that point. While the pain may return, just know that you are given it because you can handle it. No one else can but you. Every trial any of us goes through can only be tasked by our unique character. I don’t know if I could go through life without vision, but a blind person may look at my life and say, “there’s no way I could go through what he went through.” It is all relative to who we are deep inside. So, take pride in knowing that only you can handle your trials. And handle them, you will.
I’m glad I show you something good. Stay in peace 🙂
Beautiful story Ernest. And yes, the pain and learning makes it all the more so.
Pooja
This couldn’t come at a better moment……. im at that point…… I can’t stop asking WHY?!?!?!? ugh!………Thanks for sharing your experience with us it gives me some hopes.
I love it!
What a powerful message Ernest. Thank you for taking the time to put this together for us!
Feel free to contact me if you would like to write a post for GrowthGuided
Well done my friend and God bless you with peace and happiness. I too my struggling with something beyond my control in my life and every moment seems like a challenge. I got myself out from one situation and the second is already ready for me. I am asking the higher power why? But the more I look outside, the more I seem to get distressed. I am looking inside now and realizing the strength always lies inside, perhaps forgotten. I am learning. Thanks for your honesty and may God give you immense peace and joy!
You’re welcome, Ann. It sucks when you’re going through it. But you can get through it. 🙂
Thanks, man! My pleasure.
Very welcome 🙂
Thank you for sharing this. I wish you the same peace and joy 🙂
Ernest – your words give me a lot of comfort. I broke up a very long, dysfunctional relationship three years ago and *still* find myself coming to terms with it. I also find myself, at this point, yearning to be in a new relationship, but the universe just doesn’t seem to agree with me. I also struggle with society’s pressure (and perhaps, more importantly – my own) to be married and having children. I really want to let go of all the preconceived notions of what my life is supposed to be, and enjoy what I have – which is tremendous and rich. Being by myself has been an incredible learning opportunity.
Ow yes… it’s not gonna rain forever. Even I know this already, there are really tough times when the same question going back again. And to just keep reminding myself, it won’t last long unless I let it. That’s how powerful a human brain could be. It changes your perception about everything.
🙂
Such a pleasure reading that. I really loved how you are authentic in your comment even 😀
That was another reminder to absorb….. help yourselves by helping others. In my own life while helping myself, I realize how the helping others part got neglected…. it hurts a bit ‘cuz the past year’s been a bit difficult.
Well….. whatever happens is for the best (I loved your ‘fortune cookie advice’ expression) and now, I resolve to strike the balance and always always remember that.
Thanks soooooooo very much Ernest! It was great connecting with you.
All the veeeeerrry best for the future and your coming endeavors.
Blessings and light
Esha
As someone who has had a lot of learning lately, I so much can appreciate this article. Instead of asking lots of ‘why me’ now, I’m learning to say thank you 🙂 Thanks for sharing your story and reminding us that the answers we sometimes search long and hard for are right there in front of us. Looks like your vision quest led you right back to yourself and the realization was the gift of growth and learning.
That is a beautiful story!! Thank you for sharing your vision quest and learned lesson! It is amazing how we possess the exact answer for someone else, but fail to see it apply to us. I guess it has a lot to do with being inside vs. on the outside huh!? Pretty wild, I love the idea of a vision quest, thank you so much for this post! 🙂
Ernest,
What a great essay. This is one of the hardest lessons I’ve ever learned; i.e. that mistakes and failure are a true learning process and nothing given is as sweet as that which is learned and earned.
BTW, Chattanooga is a great town…used to visit there frequently when I was living in Huntsville, AL.
I’m a Yankee again now!
Thanks again for the great article.
Darrell
What a brilliant thought. Thank you. 🙂
Thanks for this Ernest. It was like reading my own life. I feel like life has been throwing me punches after another. Same thing happened to me when my ex broke off our 8 year relationship by phone call. It’s been a year and I am still a work in progress. I agree with what others have said here, it also has a lot do with our ego. But when I look back, I stopped being happy in the relationship a long time ago but I chose to stay with him because he needed me. In a way, I should be thankful that he freed me because I may have married him and end up being negative like him, and have kids who will end up resenting him like he resents his parent. Now I know I am capable of selfless and unconditional love, and the next time I will know how I should be loved.
Your article is spot on and I hope I can take on board what your saying to cope with this difficult period in my life. Thanks
love this article
Nice work, Ernie!
What if you don’t get what you want because you are a bad person who has done some incredibly stupid things (and continues to do them for some reason) and you don’t deserve to get what you want or to be happy. How do you come to terms with that?
Thank you so much for this. I feel like most of my life is a series of wanting things I can’t have, and it can be really frustrating sometimes. Right now I’m in such a situation and I can’t help but keep wondering if the reason I can’t have what I want is because I’m not good enough for it. But reading your article was a wonderful reminder for me to change my perspective on the way I view these things. There is always a lesson to be learned. Thanks again!
Thank you so much for writing such an amazing, inspirational article. I found this to be very relatable to my life right now after going through a recent break-up. This was exactly what I needed to read to start off my day!
i know exactly what u mean. Did anyone reply?
Thank you Alia for your post.