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Why We Can’t Be Happy All the Time

Sad Woman

“Suffering is part of our training program for becoming wise.” ~Ram Dass

Suffering by definition: the state of undergoing pain, distress, or hardship. As humans we typically strive for what we perceive the opposite of suffering, happiness: the state of being happy. Of course why wouldn’t you? Nobody wants to suffer.

For many years I looked at the two as separate states of being. I felt if I was happy I would not suffer. Conversely, if I was suffering I could not be happy. It was a simple focus and one I felt was personally achievable. Easy, right? Choose happiness.

I systematically removed and stepped away from all people and experiences I felt were in some way not happy or causing me suffering. I left jobs and relationships with little notice, under the guise of “sorry, I am just not happy.”

I spent a great deal of time meditating, being mindful, and expressing gratitude. Not bad things to do but in my case perhaps slightly misguided. Filling my bucket, so to speak, with all things “happy.” I paraded myself and my Zen philosophy around like I was untouchable to suffering.

I would sit back and receive compliments on my “evolved” thinking and state of being. I would wake up and plan my day of “being happy.” I mindfully embraced my feelings and thoughts of, “This makes me feel unhappy; therefore, I must remove it from my life.” I did so without hesitation or regard.

This was all very delightful thinking until reality started knocking on my door. Thinking you can avoid suffering is kind of like thinking you control the ocean tide. Just in case you were wondering, you can’t.

I had several people close to me pass away. I tried, I really tried, to release it with happiness. I was sad though. The more I tried to “happy” through it, the more I suffered.

I fell in love, but I thought attachment would lead to suffering, so I denied my feelings and missed out on the possibility of a great relationship. The more I tried to “happy” through it, the more I suffered.

I came under a great deal of professional stress, so I quit everything. Just like that, I chose to “happy” through it. How brave and mindful of me. What happened? The more I tried to “happy” through it, the more I suffered.

I had created a perception to those around me and myself that I was happy, living in the present. So Zen. *So not Zen.*

You know those people who go to yoga every day and glide though life with a calm flow, but then you are driving with them one day and someone cuts them off and they lose their mind, waving their fist and swearing? That was me. I had even started to refer to myself as 80% Buddhist and the other 20% of the time was reserved for “other.”

For all intents and purposes I should have worn a t-shirt that said “happy most often with moments of reactive insanity.” I make light of it today, but it really was an ongoing and uncomfortable feeling of chasing happiness and justifying my unhappiness.

One day I was sitting having my morning coffee and I thought to myself I don’t get it. I try to be happy; I do all the things that are “supposed” to bring happiness. Why do I feel like I am on a pendulum swinging between happy and suffering?

Maybe part of happiness is not avoiding suffering? Maybe to experience happiness we actually have to experience everything else, including suffering. Then it hit me: Maybe my avoidance of suffering is actually causing me to continually suffer.

Maybe I don’t control the tide of the ocean; maybe I am supposed to just go with it.

What would happen if when I felt like I was suffering (hurt, fearful, or sad) I just went with that and stepped toward it rather than away from it? What if I didn’t dump the feelings and try to exchange them for happiness?

So that was what I started doing. I didn’t stop doing all the things that bring me happiness. I didn’t stop being a good person, being thoughtful or mindful. I didn’t stop being me. I suppose I started being more me.

I was learning to accept that suffering isn’t a bad thing, it is just part of life. Sometimes in order to appreciate happiness we have to experience unhappiness. We can’t say we are living if we are only choosing to allow in experiences and feelings that feel safe for us.

As I write this today, I can’t say that I have mastered some special skill or can even offer some great insight in to happiness. This time last year I probably would have told you I did know the answers to it and could have given you a “top ten” list on how to achieve happiness and avoid suffering.

I can offer my own experience. Happiness it isn’t a thing, just like suffering isn’t a thing. They are just feelings we experience. We either step toward them or we step away from them.

I wake up every day and for the most part I would say I am a happy person. I find many things during the day that fill my heart, make me smile and laugh. I also have just as many things that scare me and that make me feel uncomfortable, things that take bravery and make me feel vulnerable. This doesn’t make me anything except human, just like you.

I once viewed myself as a very unhappy and reactive person. I worked very hard to be an unreactive happy person.

There is a place in the middle that respects our entire being.

It is a place where we can be everything and anything.

It is place where we are gentle with ourselves and brave.

It is a place where we can embrace it all, with the understanding that each thread is important in weaving our story.

Rather than chasing happiness or running from suffering there is another place we can go, an action we can take. I almost feel foolish for missing it for so long, as it is simple. It is called being yourself. It is a humble place, a sometimes scary place, a gentle place, and a place full of wonder, love, and opportunity.

All you have to do is simply be yourself.

Sad woman image via Shutterstock

About Alisa Hutton

Alisa resides is Vancouver, British Columbia and is the mother of two beautiful children, Kate and Noah. Besides “Mom,” the only other title she comfortably goes by these days is human. She focuses on living simply, well, with good intent. Live with a pure heart and it all works out. Visit her at dustedwords.com

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Jeevan/Mirthu/Gupt

“I wake up every day and for the most part I would say I am a happy person. I find many things during the day that fill my heart, make me smile and laugh. I also have just as many things that scare me and that make me feel uncomfortable, things that take bravery and make me feel vulnerable. This doesn’t make me anything except human, just like you.” Thank you for that wonderful reminder & piece of WISDOM…:)

“Happy most often with moments of reactive insanity.” hah; I need to find myself a shirt with that tag-line…:P Thank you for sharing your story..this really resonated with me & something that is truly a work in progress in life as well, to say the least.

Alisa

Thank you so much for reading and for your comments. I am glad you liked it. I will get working on those t-shirts:) I think a few of us could use wear them well lol.

brian

Thanks (love a copy of your book – End Of Self -Help))

Kathy Compton

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Jeevan/Mirthu/Gupt

haha..let me know when you’re done working on the t-shirts; I call dips on the first order!! 🙂

Kolientje2

Very nice post. Thank you for being so honest and open about your strive for being happy all the time. The “paradoxes” of these spiritual lessons astonish me every time. By allowing myself to be unhappy I become happier. Your post reminded me that I don’t have to fight unhappiness.

Alisa

Thank you. It is a funny thing when you allow it all in, life does just feel like it flows as it should. As you say allowing yourself to be unhappy you become happier.

Paula Ronen

“Is there a difference between happiness and inner peace? Yes. Happiness depends on conditions being perceived as positive; inner peace does not.”
― Eckhart Tolle

Susan Mary Malone

I needed this post this very morning. We all try to focus on the positive, on happiness, as we know it works so well for so many reasons and experiences. But life is not all lemonade, no?

I’ve had some big successes of late, but also some disappointments. I think that’s called life. But I needed to hear this today so as not to slap a happy face on what’s not going so swimmingly.

And this is exactly what I needed to hear: “Maybe I don’t control the tide of the ocean; maybe I am supposed to just go with it.”

Thank you so much!

Alisa

You are welcome and thank you for your thoughts/comments. I think you are right, sometimes we just need to remind ourselves to not slap a happy face on. Value in every experience even more so when we experience them authentically.

Alisa

Love this, thanks for sharing.

Shanker

Thanks Alisa. Yes, we crave for good things/feelings all the time. Might be those negative (?) experiences bring back the much needed balance in us!

Dacia Dyer

Such an important message! Yes, we must embrace all the moments, all the feelings and all the experiences in order to be a whole person living in the world. Thanks so much for this reminder! <3

Alisa

So true. Thank you, for your kind words:)

Alisa

It is really where the balance sits I think:) Thanks you for reading and your comment:)