“The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.” ~Sonya Friedman
The moon was shining brightly that balmy summer’s night in the park. He’d arranged a meeting to “sort things out.” Little did he know I’d finally built the courage to walk away. And that’s exactly what I did.
I was devastated but mostly relieved. Finally, I was free.
For the longest time I’d craved his love. I needed his approval. I wanted the happy ending so badly.
Why? I meant something when I was with him. I felt worthy and kind of secure.
But I wasn’t. I’d given away all of my power. I was dependent on him to feel love.
And he knew it, so he treated me however he wanted. For him it was a game, and every problem in our relationship somehow always came back to me.
I was needy, insecure, and completely out of touch with who I was and what I really wanted. I’d sacrificed everything about me in an effort to try to please another being.
He told me I wasn’t sexy enough, so I read book after book about how to be more feminine and alluring. He told me I was too quiet, so I went out of my way to be outgoing, happy, and bubbly. He told me I took up too much time, so I made other plans and disappeared for a while.
He could have told me anything and I would have accepted it. There wasn’t an ounce of self-respect in my bones. My misery was born from this very fact.
I’d let this happen for so long. It wasn’t entirely his fault. My neediness and lack of self-worth had created and perpetuated our problems. But for some reason that I can’t explain, that evening a spark had been ignited and I’d finally had enough.
I’d reached my pain threshold. I was completely done with feeling miserable, doubting myself, and feeling disrespected. I was so over letting someone else control my decisions, emotions, and self-worth.
I’d begun to love myself a little more than I loved him. A butterfly was emerging from the cold, dark cocoon I’d been hiding in my whole life. It felt new and scary but ridiculously empowering and liberating.
In a moment of clarity a string of epiphanies melted my confusion:
- Deep love comes from within.
- I choose how I want to feel.
- I’ll never be satisfied just with love from someone else.
- If I don’t authentically love myself, I can’t expect anyone else to truly love me.
- The way I treat myself shows others how I expect to be treated.
That evening I vowed to put myself first and to be kind, loving, and generous with myself. This is the way I wanted to be treated. Out of self-respect and needing a fresh start, I walked away. From that point on it was my intention to live my life on my terms.
It might sound selfish, but it was completely the opposite. And it eventually led me to the life-long relationship of my dreams.
What’s The Real Impact Of Neediness On Relationships?
I wholeheartedly believe that sharing the joys and wonder of life with another being who lights up your world is absolutely priceless. There’s nothing like it. It’s one of the greatest joys on Earth, and something every human being deserves to experience.
But it’s extremely hard to find this happiness with another if you’re in a relationship with a need to be filled up by someone else.
Being needy, insecure, and trying to gain approval and a sense of self-worth from your partner puts a huge amount of pressure on them, and it’s a major turn-off.
It’s an unachievable task because feeling inherently loved and worthy comes from within. Not from your partner.
An outstanding love doesn’t come from two half-fulfilled people coming together to make one whole, complete life. Outstanding love comes from two whole people coming together to share and enhance their already full and beautiful lives.
An amazing relationship comes about when we own and appreciate who we are and completely accept the other person for who they are.
So loving and putting you first is not selfish, it’s necessary. It’s imperative to creating the wonderful love and life we all desire. And let’s get something straight—loving yourself doesn’t deplete the love tank; it actually fills it up so we have even more to give.
What Does Self-Love Really Look Like?
It’s prioritizing your dreams and making an effort to do things that inspire and light you up.
It’s saying no to things you don’t agree with or that don’t fit in with your plans.
It’s deciding to spend time with people who support, encourage, and motivate you to be the best version of you.
It’s owning your thoughts and opinions and refusing to be swayed in order to please others.
It’s being gentle with and talking kindly and sweetly to yourself.
It’s having the courage to try new things that you’ve always wanted to experience.
It’s taking time out to nourish your mind, body, and soul—exercise, eating well, alone time.
It’s trusting your intuition and honoring your own truth.
It’s spending money on things that make you feel amazing while investing in your future.
It’s daring to believe that you’re capable of achieving and creating the life you visualize.
It’s choosing to see the good and refusing to let others bring you down.
It’s gifting yourself forgiveness and accepting yourself for all of your beautiful and not-so-cool quirks and qualities.
How Does Self-Love Create A Great Relationship?
When we truly love and respect ourselves, we’re free from doubt and endless worry, so we trust our feelings and decisions. It allows us to be courageous and authentic.
We begin to live from the heart and play a bigger, kinder, more generous version of life. We forget our self-imposed boundaries and dare to dream larger and wilder.
We stop focusing on negativity and become present to the beauty and possibilities within and outside of ourselves. We realize how great our lives are and open the doors for gratitude to flow in abundance.
We start to emanate happiness, confidence, playfulness, peace, and positivity.
It’s electric and like a powerful magnet to others. Your ideal partner will be drawn to you like a bear fresh out of hibernation looking for his first meal.
And once you find that special one, love will be easy.
It’ll be natural. It’ll flow freely without judgment or pretense. It’ll inspire and nourish you. Your lives will be even richer, happier, and more vibrant than ever.
And you’ll wonder why you didn’t take the time to fall radically in love with you just a little bit sooner.
About Pia Scade
Pia Scade is a love coach, writer and advocate for creating passionate, awe-inspiring relationships. You’ll find her writing weekly at www.piascade.com and shining laser beams on your beauty, intuition and purpose in order to unchain your deepest desires and manifest your wildest, dreamiest love life.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
saying no to things you don’t agree with is saying a big fat YES to ourselves 🙂
I love your article because long time I go I thought I needed approval from everyone. What was your trigger that made you see it? Mine was an unfaithful relationship. I would also say that when we love ourselves we get loved back even more.
Pia- you nailed it. Self love is the most fulfilling experience a human being could have in ones life. Self love will make you complete, happy and with full of love and when you share your love with someone, the process will not to fill you love tank ( because it is already full) by using other’s love , but complement each other love and grow individually together.
Thank you so much for this, Pia. I find myself struggling with the same issues in relationships, willing to change myself for another’s acceptance, and unable to find happiness without a boyfriend to make me feel “worthy.” I’ve been aware of this issue for a while, and trying to work on loving myself more — I work out regularly, have a small group of friends who are very supportive, take part in activities I enjoy — but I still feel empty and craving that romantic relationship that seems to evade me. Do you have any advice for further steps one could take on the journey to self-love? I grew up with parents who were not great role models (and didn’t show me how to love myself), and I didn’t start dating until my mid-20s (having spent my teens and earlier 20s also craving romance, but not knowing how to begin). I wish I had learned to love myself much younger, and am now anxious and floundering in the dating world. Many thanks to you for sharing your insight, which is extremely helpful to those like me who need to hear it right about now.
Wow! I feel like you channeled the last 5 1/2 years of my life. Thank you so much for reaffirming that I made the right decision to walk away and take care of myself, love myself, heal myself and live the life that I was destined for. Great article. Thanks ever so much!
Powerful article, Pia!
Nothing good can happen until we love the parts of ourselves that took on the beliefs that I’m not worthy, I’m not enough, I’m not lovable.
When one doesn’t feel worthy of love because of old devaluing experiences, that part of us has us seeking love in the wrong places. We end up with partners who are just as “broken” as we are and we end up being a doormat and that just reinforces our original belief that we are not lovable.
The energy of self-love is higher than the energy of self-loathing. That higher energy will allow us to attract a partner that is also full of self-love and they will treat us right.
nicely written Pia loved your article! u should always beleive in yourself may it be wrong or right . 🙂
Wow, the way you described yourself in the beginning of your article is exactly the life of my best friend. I wish I could get her to step outside herself and see it. I wish I could get her to read this with an open heart and mind. If I send her this article she’ll become defensive and accuse me of having an agenda. I’m a guy and often she mistakes my love as her best friend as wanting her for myself love. :c(
Great article!!
Marie, your comment really struck me because much of your description of your current state is similar to what mine was a couple years ago. We can’t choose our parents unfortunately yet the one’s we’re given do have a major impact on our relationships (romantic and casual). This is a fact that I am still growing to accept because my behaviors in past relationships have all been impacted by behaviors, ideas, and “rules” that I’ve been taught by these examples–which we carry with us throughout our entire lives. The good news is that we’re not doomed! You are on the right track with having friends, taking care of yourself, and doing things you enjoy. A couple of years ago when I got out of a relationship that last much longer than it should have, I began to date myself. Try really spending time with YOU! Make appointments with yourself and buy yourself flowers. Write notes to yourself and leave them where you see them often in your wallet or on the bathroom mirror. Go see that movie or check out that restaurant you’ve been wanting to try. Cook a lovely meal and eat it by candlelight. Luxuriate in a relaxing bath and a good book complete with wine and chocolate. Anything at all you like! I think we do crave romance and that is totally natural especially when we’ve had a good experience with it before. Take some time and give that to yourself and you’ll find that you can create novelty in your own life without needing someone else to give it to you. Better yet, you’ll be developing your romantic side more and more so that when your lover come floating toward you, you’ll be ready to give them everything you’ve already given to yourself instead of expecting them to give you anything.
Love your post! I will keep that list on hand so I can remind myself that I DO matter. I especially like this sentence– We start to emanate happiness, confidence, playfulness, peace, and positivity. What a great affirmation!
This really touched me. I have been single for a long time, I believe I have been single for too long. However Since being single I have learned a great lesson. I have to love myself. And I do, I believe that I am the most important person in my life right now. I used to think that I needed to be in relationship to feel complete and to feel loved. But I learn the real lesson the hard way. My past relationship, a relationship that I am tired of thinking about and talking about, made me realize that I have to rely on myself and no one else, it changed me forever, however that is not a bad thing. I used to think it was but now I do not. A part of me misses being in a relationship, but I refuse to settle for second best. I want to attract my reflection, someone who is compatible to me. I believe that I am worthy of a loving relationship. It took me 3 long years to realize this.
I am printing out “What Does Self Love Really Look Like” and reading it aloud — keeping it on my fridge and with me at all times. I truly believe you set the precedent for the way you want others to treat you…
After a long-term relationship and painful breakup (that I ended) — I began dating again. I want to be in a healthy relationship with someone who loves, cherishes, and accepts me for who I am. I’ve noticed after being on the dating scene for the last few months, that I am resorting back to “old” behaviors, choosing men who will never be able to fully give me what I want — or just will never accept me for who I am. I was told by a guy who I dated briefly that I was “too emotional” and I found myself unable to let go… I was just chasing him. Until I realized, there is nothing wrong with being too emotional. I am a female. That is one of my best qualities — that I care so deeply about people, and dig so deep within in my heart and soul — to listen to my instincts to push me on the right path. Looking back — it was so stupid of me to try and convince him to date me — that I wasn’t the problem… in fact, we weren’t a good match and I will meet someone who adores this quality about me.
My best advice is to be truly authentic. Live — love — laugh. Cheers! Julie
What an amazing article Pia! I can really relate to this…thank you for sharing 🙂
*thumbs up*
Wow. Great article. Thank you!
Pia great article, it connected with me. I am leaving a marriage of 28 years where I always prioritized my husband’s needs and life and never mine. I was brought up in a family believing as long as my husband was happy (which also made my in-laws happy)that was my happiness.
He too controlled my words and actions and I would constantly step down to be the good wife and not complain.
Even the comment you made ‘being satisfied with only love’ also had meaning. I didn’t make an issue of who he was because I always thought that at least there was love in my marriage.
But it took me to have a burn out after 22 years of marriage to realize I had given up my life and power. That ‘being loved’ was not enough. That I deserved better and deserve better.
So after 6 years of crying and counselling I have chosen to separate, to live my life.
The feeling I get from knowing I have a choice to be happy and own my life has brought back the strong and confident person I was, before I married.
But most of all, the crying has stopped because I have given myself hope for a new life.
Hi Marie, I was feeling like yourself a year ago and did exactly what Pia is saying. I got tired of being tired. I encourage you to see yourself as enough and maybe don’t equate your happiness with being with a mate. I am a 40 year old woman who still has hope to meet my match and have a family of my own. Majority of my friends are married to great men. On the outside looking in I used to think oh I will be happy once I meet a mate. Through many tears,anger and dissappointment I surrendered and just told God I trust you and started really just started to notice the many blessings I do have. It took just this year for me to say Stop seeing a man as the be all end all for me to be ok. If your hearts desire is to be with your soulmate your Higher power knows that! Trust that and know you don’t have to make it happen it just will when the time is right. Start taking lil steps to just be grateful for the day and be easy on yourself. Your are not alone. God Bless you and if you need a ear to vent I am happy to encourage you. God Bless you in everything you desire! 🙂
This is so perfect, and exactly what I needed to read tonight. I’ve been working on being ‘ok’ with my life lately, but in reality I need to do so much more. I need to learn to love myself before I can expect to find love with someone else. I’ve spent so much time focusing on romantic relationships that I’ve lost sight of who I really am and what I really want. Thank you, Pia, for this moment of clarity and the encouragement to continue on this journey to self-love.
This is brilliant and true! Thank you. x
Wow. Beautifully written.
Self-love and self-esteem are one of my fav topics. nice to read your views on it.
Here is another perspective on this topic: http://gameligit.com/9-ways-connect-partner/
Wow, I’m so overwhelmed with all the love and time everyone has taken to respond to the article. THANKYOU a million times over!!!! I will get back to each and every one of you asap. Until then, sending everyone waves of love. Pia xxxx
Lovely piece Pia x Think I may just do what the reader Julie has planned and pin the What does the self love real look like section on my dressing table mirror! xx
It’s beautiful to see yourself in the words of another person. I can totally relate to this article. I was fortunate enough, however, to come to this realization with my mate. During the first couple years, I’ve struggled with self-worth. Ironically, I started out happy and confident, which is why he was attracted to me.
Unlike the situation you described, though, he had nothing to do with my decrease in self-worth. I saw how different he was and tried to mold myself to that. The result was catastrophic, and that happy, light-hearted girl became gloomy, moody, and needy.
I’ve been finding my way back for the last 6 months. My boyfriend is amazing, and it was kinda scary how much he understood and could relate to what I was going through. He was very supportive and almost more excited for me than I was when i started doing the things that were more true to myself.
Moral of my story– It’s okay to be myself and not make him the center of my life. It’s okay to have completely different hobbies and interests. It’s okay to be alone sometimes and not always needing his attention.
Thank you for sharing your story
The best way to tell I’m on the right track is the detachment I feel now. I no longer feel like we’re sharing one life, as you described. I feel like my own person, and there’s so much freedom in that.
Thank you Pia. That so resonated with me!
Marie, We have similar stories …It took a while for me to love myself..I disliked myself for such a long long time until one day Joyce Meyer said if you hate yourself how do you expect others to love you. You need to love and respect yourself first before anyone can truly love you back. I didn’t know how to date and I tried but it was tough living in a small town. I started doing things I liked and built myself up and I love my life. The only thing is I starting dating someone when I was in the dark, negative place and we have been on and off for 6 years but it just doesn’t feel like the right fit. I have grown into this strong, positive woman and now I am in a rock and a hard place because we love each other but I want to move on and just don’t know how to end it. So I am stuck..So when you do start dating don’t settle for the first one.. take baby steps and make sure he is the right fit for you… I truly believe in love and I want to find that person with the right bond… Wishing you all the best…
Thanks for taking the time to share your story Marie. It’s such a massive step to be aware of where you’re at and to focus more on loving yourself. It sounds like you’re doing things to honour yourself. The pain and emptiness doesn’t go away over night. It’s something we have to continually work on and it gets easier and easier when we continue to put ourselves first. Just keep doing those things you’re doing and keep being kind to you. Regardless of how much we love ourselves, we all still want intimate love and to share our lives with someone special. The difference is in the reason why. Entering a relationship with a deep love of you and a desire to share your world with a loving partner is where the magic happens. And I absolutely believe there is someone special out there for you Marie. Don’t ever give up! x
Wow Jessica, you said that so so well!! All of those beautiful things really make a difference on the journey to self love. It’s like we have to trick ourselves at the beginning to feel love for ourself and it might feel weird but after a while it gets easier and easier to authentically feel and know that love inside out 🙂
What an insightful lesson there Tish. It’s fabulous you’re so aware of your situation and your own power. You know the right thing to do for you. Just trust your intuition. It never fails x
Aisha, gratitude is such a powerful and beautiful part of self-love and inner happiness. The more we practice that and have faith that everything is working out exactly as it’s supposed to, the more perfectly things start to align. Thanks so much for sharing x
Absolutely!! So important 🙂 x
So so glad you enjoyed it latebloomer x
Nobie, what a beautiful journey of self- discovery and empowerment. Sounds like a wise and loving boyfriend you have there. I’m so happy for you that you feel content and loved in your own skin. Power to you! x
Hi Danielle, Such a great idea and reminder. So important to focus on what we want. I might even do that myself! x
Hi Vishal, thanks so much. That article is just beautiful too. So well said 🙂
Thanks Lauren. Glad you enjoyed 🙂 xx
I’m so glad you took something from it jeannine. It’s so easy to get caught up in finding a partner that we do forget who we are in the process. I hope this helps you get more clarity on who you are and what you want. The self love will come so much easier once you know you inside out x
RT, I’m amazed at your strength and determination to love yourself. What you’ve done isn’t an easy thing to do but an extremely important one. I’m so so happy for you and wish you all the best on this exciting new journey living and loving your life on your terms x
Thanks Aljoscha! So pleased you enjoyed it 🙂
Thanks Charlie!!
Thanks so much Melina xx
Hi Julie! High fives to you. Now that’s owning your beauty. The right man will love you inside out for everything you are. Changing yourself to make him happy is crazy and unhealthy for any relationship. Keep searching for your Mr Right. He is out there waiting/looking for you too xx
Tayla, you’re so right. You’re absolutely worthy of the wonderful relationship you really want and settling is just not worth it. We’re never truly happy and fulfilled when we accept something less than we want or feel we really deserve. Don’t give up. You will find him and in the mean time, keep on burning the love for you bright xx
Great idea Harmony! You absolutely do matter. You are more than worthy x
Hi Zeeri, It’s hard seeing people we love go through something difficult, especially when we feel we could help them. But you’re right. Everyone has to learn their life lessons for themselves and when she’s ready she’ll seek change. Keep on being the wonderful friend you are x
Thankyou krutika! x
Emily, you’ve said that so well. We really do attract the energy we emanate. When we love ourselves we attract more of that and when we don’t, we attract more to keep us feeling low. It’s a crazy cycle really. The key is getting into a healthy, happy, loving one where all of those warm emotions are perpetuated. Thanks for sharing x
Lola, amazing to hear that you were strong enough to do what you knew was right for you. You absolutely did the right thing. Keep on that beautiful path of honouring your beauty and worth. You can’t go wrong x
So so true DE! You summed it up perfectly! x
Absolutely Veronica… loving ourselves brings so much more love into our lives in lots of different ways. Great question… for me it was about having to face the reality that he was who he was. I realised I couldn’t change him, he would never approve and accept me for who I am and I knew I deserved and wanted so much more in a man and relationship. It took a while but in the end it came down to wholeheartedly trusting my intuition. After so much stress and disappointment, the desire for more became stronger than my desire for him. I hope that makes sense and that you’re loving your journey of approving of you. That’s what matters most! xx
Marie, you can access those young parts of you that don’t feel loved or worthy.
These parts that hold the faulty beliefs that you are not lovable and worthy (as a result of toxic negative experiences) are seeking love from you. Your highest Self of today can give these parts the love and reassurances that they never got at the time of the devaluing experiences.
When these parts feel loved by you, that’s when self-love will increase and your energy will more than likely increase and you you’ll be able to attract the ideal partner.