“Happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors.” ~Dalai Lama
If you get married today, there is a 60% chance that your relationship won’t last. Is finding true love really that hard or is there something else going on?
A research group from the Heriot-Watt University found that many people have a “warped sense of the perfect relationship” and “unrealistic expectations from their romantic partner.” They concluded that they got these unrealistic expectations from Hollywood love stories.
These movies have us longing for a Cinderella or Prince Charming who will sweep us off our feet and make us happier than we have ever been. But can we really expect our partners to make us happy? Is that even fair to them?
When I figured out this wasn’t the right approach to a relationship, I had already been in two failed ones. “Failed” may not be the right word, because I don’t regret them and I’m still friends with both of my exes, but these relationships were based on needs, from both partners.
After the second relationship, I was single for a long time, and that’s when I started working on myself.
When I started to see some changes in myself and in my life, I felt the desire to have a girlfriend again. I mentioned this to my mentor, and he said, “It’s not the girlfriend you want; it’s what you think she can give you.”
This was a real eye opener for me.
I realized that this desire was my ego telling me there was something missing in my life and that I needed to find someone else to fill this gap for me. I didn’t have a person in mind yet, but I was already being unfair to her by expecting so much of her. I was demanding love.
Demanding Love Vs. Sharing Love
If you expect your partner to make you happy, you are demanding love. If you were happy when you were single, you’re more likely to be happy in your relationship. And when you’re happy, you can focus on “sharing your love” instead of “demanding happiness.”
Do you see how this can make a world of difference in your relationship? When you go from “needing” love, affection, and support to fill a hole in yourself, to “sharing” love and happiness from a place of fullness, your relationship (and life!) will blossom into something truly amazing and lasting.
The Love Illusion
Not expecting anything from your partner doesn’t mean you can’t rely on them for support. It just means you don’t depend on them to ease the discomfort of being with yourself.
Even if it seems like they do that for a while, the absence of discomfort will be an illusion. It’s like taking aspirin. You may not feel the headache anymore, but what caused the headache is still there.
If you don’t like to spend time with yourself, you most likely don’t really love yourself. And if you don’t love yourself first, you cannot sincerely love someone else—or let yourself be loved by someone else.
What “True Love” Really Is
When two people get together and start working on themselves—when they aim to grow together instead of avoiding growth by depending too much on each other—they build a connection on a higher level. Couples who understand that this is the greatest gift they can give each other will be the happiest couples; they will experience true love!
4 Tips for a Loving, Lasting Relationship
1. Love yourself First
Many people don’t realize that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings about themselves. Learning to love yourself will not only benefit yourself, but also your partner.
A couple of ways to start loving yourself in action:
The mirror exercise: Stand in front of the mirror, look yourself in the eye, and say, “I love you. I really, really love you!” Don’t just say the words; try to feel them. It may take some practice, but if you do this two or three times a day for a couple of minutes, you will feel the results!
Practice self-acceptance. You are a magnificent human being. You may have some flaws, but that’s okay. Everybody has flaws and we all make mistakes. You can learn from them, accept them, and even be grateful for them, because they have helped form the person you are today.
2. Choose to be happy.
True happiness comes from within. Nothing or no one can “make” you happy. When you are a happy person because you choose to be, this will rub off on your partner, or attract more potential partners if you are single. Being happy feels good on the inside and looks good on the outside!
A few ways to choose happiness every day:
-Practice gratitude and optimism. People who see the world optimistically see opportunities and love everywhere they go. There’s truth in the saying “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change.” Make a habit out of gratitude. When the sun shines on your face, when someone lets you cut in line, when someone smiles at you, say “thank you.” You don’t even have to say it out loud; thinking it will do just fine.
-Don’t let others determine how you feel. Try not to worry about what others say, think, or do—even if they talk badly about you. You can still respond to them, but don’t let it affect your level of happiness. The moment you get emotionally involved you have lost your inner peace.
-Accept your circumstances. You cannot control everything that happens in life. Sometimes, bad things happen. We cannot escape from this; we can only accept it. Choose to accept the circumstances you can’t change instead of causing yourself to suffer.
-Have fun! Find something you love to do and do it on a regular basis. For me, it’s snowboarding. Even though I’m physically exhausted after a day of snowboarding, mentally, I’m fully recharged.
-Meditate. Meditation was the foundation of my whole transformation process. I still meditate two hours a day. But if you are just starting out, fifteen minutes will do. Meditation will help you with all the points above; it will give you focus, mental clarity, and inner peace. It takes some practice, but if you put in the effort, the results will astound you.
3. Fall in love when you are ready, not when you are lonely.
Don’t compromise or get into a relationship for the wrong reasons. Being alone isn’t the same as being lonely. When you love yourself, you don’t mind being alone sometimes because you are spending time with your best friend. Ironically, being in a bad relationship can make you feel like the loneliest person in the world.
4. Do not lose yourself in a relationship.
Make time for yourself, pursue your own goals, and do things without your partner. Maintain a healthy balance between your personal time and your time together.
Putting yourself first in a relationship might seem strange at first, but it makes perfect sense. If you go into a relationship expecting your partner to make you happy, your partner might expect the same from you. Do you really want to be responsible for your partner’s happiness? That’s quite a responsibility to take on.
Wouldn’t it be much better if you and your partner entered a relationship and committed to becoming the best people you both can be while sharing your love with each other? No needs, no expectations, no obligations. Do you see how in a relationship like that, love has the freedom to grow into something truly amazing?
Photo by Paul H. Photography
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Wonderful advice to live by. This has reminded me of why I chose to be single. Gotta cherish my time alone before I can be involved with someone else.
Hi! Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom with us! This article is coming at just the right time for me. I’m a few months out of a break up and learning to make the most of my time alone and grow as a person.
Having struggled with finding love, and having finally found it, I can really connect to what you’re saying here. Thank you!
Wow! I loved your post..
The things you mentioned are so very true..deep down i always knew these things but i guess someone had to mention it to make me realize and accept it.. Thank you for showing me what true love really means and helping rediscover a whole new me.. 🙂
Guy,
This is such an amazing post. Firstly, the timing.
“It’s not the girlfriend you want; it’s what you think she can give you.”
This is so damn true!! What she can give you. What other people can give to me and I know, that time and again they have failed to deliver it. But, I still go on expecting.
Although am not in a relationship but have been involved in spiritual work, I knew these points before. You have really written them with such great clarity and simplicity that the words and their meanings are hard to miss. I loved all of the tips you shared and I especially loved that you mentioned the way we can love ourselves and ‘choose’ happiness.
I am really thankful to God that I got to read this post at this moment in time. I needed it and God knew it. The loving yourself part, anyway 🙂
Cheers and wishes
Very informative indeed! I need this today 🙂
Thank you for posting this. Have a great day!
Excellent post! In deed, I very much agree & struggle with the 2nd one under “Choose to be happy” Gosh, its difficult, but very rewarding when achieved.
Hi friend forever,
thank you for your kind words. I’m glad the post was helpful to you!
Sometimes all it takes is someone who remembers us of the things we already know 🙂
Great post! I need to remind myself of these tips often. I should wallpaper my room with tiny buddha posts 🙂
I’m both crushed and optimistic. I have been telling myself these same things as my twenty-year marriage crumbled. I’m now on my own and picking up the pieces, just learning how to be myself, by myself. I’m enlightened by the notion that I’m not the only one who sees that the key is to look for someone who compliments you – not someone who completes you. And we can’t begin that journey until we’re comfortable with who we are.
Losing oneself in a relationship, Guy – something I have done and know many others that have done the same. And yes I agree, the movies have a lot to answer for! But they are about escapism, and shouldn’t be used as a reference to real life, right??!!
What a wonderful post. Thank you, Guy. You’ve really hit the nail on the head. I used to do exactly that – try to find someone else to fulfil me because I thought that would solve all my problems! But it was only after I’d spent a significant period of time on my own, and learned to love myself, that I finally found real love.
Dave – my story is by no means as tough as yours I can imagine, but my 3 year relationship ended months ago because it’s impossible to maintain when only one of you sees that as the key. I wish she did.
So true! We must love ourselves first and resolve our own issues before we’re ready to love someone else.
This is brilliant, Guy! Thanks for sharing!
Brilliance!
Whoa!
You rock man.
Timing-perfect!
Fall in love when you’re ready,not lonely. Now this is something new and really very deep.(thumbs up)
I think I just needed this..just to remind that I love myself…yah I do.
Great share!
waiting for more. 🙂
There’s so much truth in what you say. Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you! Ending a 9 year relationship hasn’t been easy. You have helped me to refocus.
thank you so much. this was informative~ very true and wonderful. Thank you for taking your time to write this wonderful piece 🙂 A great reminder. It is so true that media skews our images of love and the ‘perfect’ relationship. Thank you again 🙂
I really do not understand the point you are making in this post. I do agree that it is important to be complete in and of yourself, to be comfortable with and to love yourself. But if I am whole and complete and happy on my own, then what is the point of being in a relationship? If the people in a relationship don’t need and depend on each other, then what’s to stop them from walking away when things aren’t in their own best interest? Essentially, if I am placing myself first (which I think, in general is a good thing) when why would I ever want to give the same amount of love or attention to another person? What is the point of it?
I dont belive in anything you say .. break up does not end in friendship ..if it does then one of the parties might still be having feelings .. what i have learnt is that love does not exist at all its only ‘expectations from sex’.
love the article — timeless wisdom that needs to be told again and again. I just finished a great book which is about self-love and acceptance: Wild, by Cheryl Strayed. Cracked my heart wide open.
Dealing with a break up like that must be very hard. Just think about this. If things start falling apart, the pieces most likely didn’t fit in the first place. You could even say that the pieces did not start falling apart, but started falling in place.
This is an amazing opportunity for you to reconnect with yourself and the more you find yourself, or find the ‘guts’ to be yourself, the more beautiful things and beautiful people will find themselves on your path.
Best of luck Dave!
It doesn’t really matter how long your relationship lasted, the pain you feel is still the same.
A good relationship requires both partners to be on the same level, or at least have the same idea about what a relationship is. When you notice that your partner isn’t on the same level as you are, sometimes you have to make the hardest decision. That doesn’t mean you don’t love him/her, it just means you need to be fair to yourself.
So what you did was very brave!
Beautiful post with wonderful points! Thank you for sharing your wisdom! 🙂
Excellent questions.
When two people enter a relationship in which they do not depend on each other, do not expect anything from each other AND are committed to their spiritual evolution, the kind of love they experience is a kind of love that most people never get to experience. They love on a higher level.
Osho, one of the great masters said that just like in consciousness, there is a hierarchy in love, with ‘sex/lust’ being the lowest level and ‘pure compassion’ being the highest level.
So, a good relationship can actually help you grow and teach you how to ‘love at higher level’.
They should put that as a disclaimer on all the posters and trailers 🙂
What I have noticed is that after a break up, partners do need some time apart to figure things out. But then, after a while, they can be friends.
I love that point via/by Osho!! Wow, I have found that so true in my experience. Sex/desire is great but so temporary and can be the absolute worst cause of emptiness if the other levels aren’t being nourished.
I have been joyfully learning all I can about compassion in the last few years after my divorce. Through a heartache last year and different recent dating experiences, I am enjoying how wonderful it is when I embrace a compassionate perspective instead of focusing on what I lack or resentful thoughts. If a relationship doesn’t work out, I’m left with a heart much more in-tact and can wish him on his way so much more easily!
I am with this amazing girl(kid), and she is my world. But I have to let her go, as she lited to me about her age, when she is a teen she told me she was 25. I fell madly in love with her, but now as I know her real age, I feel she is too young for a relationship with an older guy like me, I am 29. So, I feel terrible thinking a life without her, but slowly but surely I am falling out of love from her. I needed some good counselling, and this site is giving me that. I hope I can survive without her.
Nice teaching
Very informative and true as well. To be able to get the love that you desired, you should love yourself first. It depends upon on how you value yourself.
Thanks for posting this! 🙂
Very interesting and helpful! Thanks!
I am very good friends with my ex-husband and there are no romantic feelings whatsoever; he is very happy in his long-term relationship with his new girlfriend and I am absolutely happy and in love with my current husband of five years. My ex and I were smart enough to realize that we were brought together for a reason; we mistakenly thought it was to be partners, but it turns out that it was only to be friends. My current husband and I do a lot more than have sex, lol. He reads poetry to me, we paint together, meditate together and we have lengthy, philosophical discussions. Sex is just a bonus but not the driving point behind our love. If my husband was unable to have sex or vice versa, we would happily stay together because there is more to our relationship than a physical connection. We are more spiritually connected than anything. What you have experienced is very unfortunate and I hope one day you see the real side of love.
I’m not sure if an obvious to me is being completely acknowledged here…that while we seek to serve and have no demands on love spiritually, on an emotional psychological level we(humans) gravitate to(fall in love with) patterns that mirror what we experienced somewhere in childhood in order to resolve the pain of them. So as humans we have needs and ways of loving and feeling loved that need to be acknowledged and filled. (The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman). And as Dr. Harville Hendrix(“Getting The Love You Want” and “Keeping The Love You Find” and IMAGO Therapy) explains it, if we can become aware of our stuff(defining and healing our childhood wound), begin to work on it AND CHOOSE a partner in love that is ALSO aware of their wounds and committed to growing and mutual healing THEN an opening of spiritual unconditional loving can come forth. It is not always the easiest process I am told, but to watch people who have done the work individually and then together through to fruition is inspiring. The love and peace in their eyes, the obvious level of comfort being honest(because they have or are working to heal the past wounds and conflict is no longer threatening) with each other because no one is running away and there is total acceptance is touching and stunning. Just wanted to acknowledge the mental emotional aspects from a childhood patterning view. All of it ultimately still falls into a spiritual realm for sure. 🙂 Just noting.
Great read! Nearly all the stuff you wrote about- I do so myself. 🙂 I cherish my time alone and often times travel alone. It’s definitely true that you gotta love yourself first. Thanks for this inspiring post.
I don’t think it means youre puttin yourself first. It simply means you’re giving without expectations. And in turn, there needs to be a healthy balance which is why two people should be on the same level. Because no one deserves to be sad, right?
Loved your article! Cheers =)
I was trying to leave a post here and instead it ended up on my wall attached to the link I was sharing. It won’t let me cut and paste my post. My view was from a different perspective though….wish you could read it: from the view point of how to use this for a relationship I thought could NEVER make it because we are now it separate states. And how I would like to try and use these practices (because I have already started myself) to try and gain a better life/ relationship for us both (and individually) via personal happiness once we are able to be back together.
Thanks a lot for these simple tips which everyone can follow…please post some good tips about how to do meditation to calm our disturbed minds..thanks again.
you can do it. I did after 22 years of marriage and if I can, anyone can. once you have liberated yourself by finding yourself, you will wonder how you ever lived so long without you!
Well said, thank you. Check out the TEDtalk featuring Esther Perel’s research – I found her insights on successful long-term relationships in in today’s world were interesting – Prince Charming effect and all.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sa0RUmGTCYY&feature=youtube_gdata_player
What a great post. I think many people go into a relationship thinking that whatever issues the other person has can be worked on and then the relationship can be a happy one. Often times these individuals will even see it as their mission to help their partner through this. I was actually reading a study the other day though, discussing how those who believe that people are able to change and improve themselves through effort actually get more frustrated when a romantic partner promises to change something but only partially follows through. The former often attributes this non-change to lack of effort on their partner’s behalf. I really do believe that being in a place of emotional stability and contentment, feeling that you are in a position in which you can give to a potential partner, is key. For both individuals involved. Otherwise someone will always get bitter. As you said, it’s simply not fair.
Please advice how long it take, if he don’t want to apart some time to figure things out. But use role of friend as an excuse to contact you. Beside that, how come make a friend after break up because one of the parties still have feeling.
This article was excellent!! I really connected with the themes here.
I love the statement “fall in love when you are ready, not when you are lonely”. I realized that statement in this past year, and since then I’ve been a much happier camper being single.
Hmmm…I was with a so-called Buddhist who used me and treated me very badly. When I addressed his behavior he came back with “I’m not responsible for your feelings.” I explained he was responsible for his actions that created my feelings.
I agree that we should be with someone when we’re ready, not lonely. Being lonely set me up for this jerk to take advantage and boy, did he ever. After a couple of months, I ended it. It was hard because I had to let go of the illusion. My ego took a bad bruising but at least I was able to love myself enough to get away. Far away!
On that point, self-love is necessary and healthy. Unfortunately, I think too many people take it too far and become selfish and narcissistic. It’s their way or no way. They don’t seem to take the other person’s feelings into consideration. They act entitled. Their actions no matter how bad they are, are defensible in their “perfect” view of themselves. I’m seeing less accountability in people and their actions.
I agree that you need to love yourself before you love someone else. But honestly, how can you call it true love if you don’t put your partners needs first sometimes? Also, no obligations or expectations? So you’re not obligated to be faithful?