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Why People-Pleasers Don’t Get the Love and Respect They Desire

“Niceness is the psychological armor of the people-pleaser.” ~Harriet B. Braiker

I used to think that being kind, gentle, and agreeable was guaranteed to win me love and acceptance from others. I’d tiptoe around destructive people’s behaviors, no matter how uncomfortable I felt about it, believing to my core that if only I could be nice enough to them, they would one day lead a better life.

I lived my life constantly avoiding anything that might make me look like a bad, imperfect, antagonistic, or unlikeable person. Because as every people-pleaser knows, being disliked or disapproved of feels worse than ignoring your own feelings—at least at first.

Some people were easy to please; a kind gesture or smile was all it would take. Getting their approval so effortlessly made me happier than a kid at Disney World. But with other people, it seemed the more I tried to please them, the more likely they were to treat me like an old dish rag; and the more this happened, the less I liked myself.

Eventually, my efforts to please others left me feeling disrespected, violated, and disconnected—from life, from other people, and from myself.

For many years, I silently endured the ongoing, relentless invalidation of who I was based on how others treated me. When someone close to me was feeling unsatisfied, negative, or in search of someone to blame, there I was, ready to take it.

But no matter how unhappy I was, I still wanted to make them feel better. I wanted to see them happy, even at my own expense.

At the core of these one-sided relationships I maintained with some of the perpetually dissatisfied people in my life was an enduring belief that if only I could solve their problems and make them happy, I’d finally receive the love and acceptance I desired all my life.

I never stopped to think, “But what about me? What will become of me if I keep trying to satisfy people with an unquenchable thirst?” I couldn’t see that no matter what I did, it would never be enough. In fact, it wasn’t about me at all. I didn’t realize that no matter how good I am at solving problems, or how perfectly I can handle things, if someone wants to find fault with me, they will.

Instead of seeing other people’s dissatisfaction as an issue for them to resolve on their own, I internalized it and interpreted it to mean I wasn’t good enough.

But one day, I finally started asking myself some important questions: “What will become of me and my self-worth if I keep basing it on unhappy people’s perceptions? Who will love and respect me if I’m not even taking a stand for myself?”

My conception of who I needed to be in order to gain love and acceptance was slapping me in the face over and over again like a flat tire driving on uneven pavement. But still, I wondered why my formula wasn’t working. I truly believed that living selflessly was a surefire way to get love, appreciation, respect, and lots of hugs in return.

It took me a while to realize that living this way was actually having the opposite effect. My constant selfless giving and kindness didn’t automatically earn me a pass on the eternal acceptance subway. It actually seemed to be an invitation for people to take advantage of my generosity, allowing them to feel less anxious about their own lives.

I set myself up to be other people’s emotional dumpster, personal life fixer, and convenient source of blame for their misfortunes.

What I came to learn the hard way is that pleasing others isn’t the way to win their love and respect. I finally realized that if I kept taking on other people’s anxiety as my own, they would never change. And why would they, after all? They got lots of relief from me stepping in and resolving things. But at what cost?

All this pleasing had left me feeling inadequate and stressed out as I watched the recipients of my pleasing play out the same problems and drama, over and over again.

Love At All Costs

One night I had a dream that I was standing in a field with nothing but the clothes on my back. I felt weak and tired, like I needed someone to come lift me up and ask me how I was doing.

Slowly, my family and friends started to join me in the field. But they weren’t there to rescue me; they were there to bring me their troubles.

One by one, they started pulling me in different directions. They wanted me to solve their lives for them, even though I was alone, tired, defeated, and left with nothing.

The dream was showing me the truth about how I was living. When my life and health started to collapse around me like a burning building, I had to take a hard look at my perspective and decisions. I started to question my beliefs about what it meant to be a truly good person, and what it took to receive the love and respect I so desired.

That dream helped me understand that my people-pleasing behaviors weren’t getting me what I desired; they were getting me the very experiences I spent my life trying to avoid.

Back then, it would have been easier for me to blame others for their ungratefulness and neediness; but deep down, I knew that blaming would have been another way to avoid taking a look at myself.

I was sick of exhausting myself trying to help and change other people, only to find that it didn’t work. I knew I had to change myself and, as cheesy as it may sound, give myself the love and respect I so desired. Because the truth is, no one can give you what you should be giving yourself from within—especially not those people who need the pleasing you so easily offer.

After much reflection, I came to see that my pleasing behaviors were a way for me to get the validation from others that I wasn’t giving myself. Of course my efforts backfired, because I alone was responsible for my happiness; other people’s happiness wasn’t my responsibility, and just because I was overly nice to someone didn’t mean they had to treat me the same way.

I was trying to please other people so I could feel worthy of love. In reality, my kindness wasn’t coming from a place of vulnerability, honesty, or acceptance; it was rooted in anxiety and fear.

In my attempts to make everyone else happy, I lost control of my own identity, and they lost their ability to solve their own problems. By changing myself to become who everyone wanted me to be, I made myself less desirable and implicitly invited people to take me for granted.

Pleasing Yourself

Do you find yourself people-pleasing and wonder how you can get the love and respect you desire? Well, the answer is pretty simple, but the actions it takes aren’t quite as simple. The first step involves changing your perceptions. Once that’s done, changing your behaviors will follow naturally. Here are some things to remember:

1. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you regularly do things for others that they’re avoiding doing for themselves.

2. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when people violate your boundaries, and you don’t speak up about it.

3. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you say yes to something but really want to say no.

4. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you internalize others’ dissatisfaction and take it on as your own problem.

5. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you hurt yourself in order to make others happy.

Over time, I came to understand that my efforts to make other people happy were like deposits made in a piggy bank with a giant hole at the bottom.

If you’re stuck in a people-pleasing cycle, chances are you’re subconsciously attaching to people who need you to soothe their discomfort, because they can’t do it for themselves. Since they don’t know how to manage their own emotions, they’ll continue to reach out to you whenever they’re in crisis—and, on the occasions when your pleasing behaviors aren’t sufficient for them, they’ll blame you for their discomfort.

If you want to make changes in your life, it’s time for you to see this pattern clearly and stop basing your sense of worthiness on other people’s approval of you.

Change your perceptions, beliefs, and behaviors. Make contributions to a bank that pays interest. Receive the love and respect you so desire by celebrating your freedom from the longing to be accepted by others.

Editor’s note: Ilene has generously offered to give away two free copies of her latest book, When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal FreedomTo enter to win one of two free copies, leave a comment below. You don’t have to write anything specific—”Count me in” is sufficient! You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday, November 5th.

UPDATE: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. They are Emma Andmark Shishkin and Mari Toni.

About Ilene S. Cohen

Ilene S. Cohen, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, blogger, and professor. She’s a regular contributor to Psychology Today, with her most recent release of her self-help book entitled, When It’s Never About You. Her work is fueled by her passion for helping people achieve their goals, and lead fulfilling and meaningful lives. To learn more about Dr. Ilene visit www.doctorilene.com.

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Julie

Thank you for this post. I have been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember, and over the past couple of years have started working on changing my perceptions, beliefs and behaviors to stop basing my sense of worthiness on other peoples approval of me. It has been hard and I still struggle and fall into old habits at times, but it is so worth it!!

Susan Duggan

Thank you so much! This article came at exactly the right time for me. Ilene described me perfectly…… I really do need to make changes

April

thank you for the article

Ilene S. Cohen

Thank you for reading 🙂

Ilene S. Cohen

I am glad that this article came at the perfect time in your life! It isn’t easy to live that way.

Ilene S. Cohen

Your welcome! It is so hard that is why so many people don’t change. Glad to hear you are making an effort in the right direction!

Aleydis

I can’t even begin to tell you what this finding this article did for me today.
After having quit at yet another job that drained me, being without anyone to sacrifice myself for, I’ve fallen back into a pit of despair, realising that I am now 30 years old and I have no desires, boundaries or wishes for myself. Making a move forward feels impossible, because I’ve become completely disconnected from who I am or what I want.
My entire life, I’ve been tangled up by other people to the extent that I feel more invested in their well being than my own – and they don’t even have to be people I care about or even know! I’ve realised that this compulsive addiction is borne from a perpetual feeling of being unsafe. I’ve been trying to manipulate my surroundings with kindness, humor, endless giving and altering myself to whatever I think is needed in order to null any threats to my safety (aka every negative emotion I encounter in others). But surprise surprise – this work is NEVER done. It is impossible to find this safety outside myself. It is impossible to live this way. Frustration has finally pushed me to see that I am hardly living at all. The realisation is crushing. The fact that I am not alone is so soothing to my hurting heart.

Ilene, thank you for this article. I cannot wait to read your book.

PA

I’ve struggled with pathological people pleasing and perfectionism since I was a young child and now I don’t even know who I am anymore because I am always trying to be all things to all people – except myself! I would love a copy of this book! And thank you!

Dennis Hsieh

Thank you for this article!

Omiewise

I struggle with this daily. Thank you for this, it has helped me to realize I’m not alone in this!

Siddharth Karunakaran

I could relate to this article.

“In fact, it wasn’t about me At all.”
Previously At was it.

Please correct the typo, it is in CAPS.

Unity Gulf Shores

Great article! Thanks for posting.

Beth Black

I would love a copy of your book! This article hit so close to home for me! eye opening for sure!

Kathleen

My photo ought to be right next to the words “people pleaser”.

Angela

What a fascinating insight! It’s easy to fall into the trap of the ‘people pleaser,’ in order to gain acceptance from others; whatever that may be? Real acceptance is accepting yourself for who you are, warts and all! It can take a real shift into self-awareness to see the lasting damage a ‘people pleaser’ can do over a period of time. By stepping away from the very people or concepts that put us there in the first place, can we truly start to heal and grow! A xx

Sofia

Thank you for this article. I’d love to read a copy of your book!

Eszter Papp

Thank you for this article! The timing is just perfect, when I feel so drained, exploited and lonely; trying to figure out what I am doing wrong seeing that noone cares about me, no matter how hard I try to win their love…I especially like the reminder that kindness should not come from anxiety and fear. Thanks again!

Lisa Lanzalotto

When i am in people pleasing mode, the sad truth is that i am setting OTHERS up to be labeled untrustworthy…..they are in a relationship with someone they THINK i am, not who i really am. That real, authentic person is not who i present, so how can i trust them, when they REALLY dont know me…i don’t even know who i am at that point…the famous “imposter syndrome..” a self fulfilling prophecy, and quite painful when i take the mask off

Jan

Count me in

Nigel

When i used to be a people pleaser, i used to apologize to people when they hurt me and that was an invitation for them to come back into my life and make me sad anxious and depressed.

Red

Unfortunately, such a true article from a personal viewpoint, especially in relation to the “Dream”. But, we can all change and improve ourselves and personal state. The first step in my opinion is opening our eyes, no matter our age or circumstances. Best of luck to the others. : )

Nicole

Loved your article and would love your book!

Heidi Rodriguez

Count me in!

Michele Young

This is me. I would love to read this book!

Mary Ellen Clark

Count me in!

christy

That article, was like it was describing me 🙁

”Count me in” for the book, I would really like to read how to save myself from this constant other-pleasing torture.
Thank you!

Lori

Fantastic article and beautifully written! You have definitely pinpointed an area in which many “people-pleasers” most likely can relate to.

Lori

And I would LOVE to read your book…even better if you have an audible version:)

Eric Otterson

Yep, so very much my life. I am guy and feel especially vulnerable in this arena admitting that this picture describes my life so well. Taking care of others above and beyond while my own life suffers is something that I am working to change.

Marilyn Massey

You are still young – me in my 60’s before realizing I have missed my self in my own life. I tried a “storyboard” to help me get started. It helped me realize that I do have an inkling of what I want even though I wasn’t that aware of it. Gratitude for what I do have helps too, believe it or not. Your awareness is an inspiration and a starting point, not an ending.

Joey Askew

This article is absolutely excellent, entirely spot on. Thank you for putting these feelings and experiences into words so amazingly well.

Ilene Cohen

Hi, Aleydis, I am sorry you find yourself in that position. I know how crushing it can be. However, it is good that you are taking a closer look at your life and that you want to make changes. It is of course never easy, but well worth it to have your own life! Thanks for sharing how you feel, I hope you find my book useful!

Sinead Clark

I’m glad I’m not the only one in this situation. I’ve been doing this all my life, as if it is something to be proud of. I’m now at a stage in my late 40’s where I suffer from depression and just don’t know where to go. I don’t even think therapy would help at this point because I’m a chronic people pleaser and find myself saying exactly what people want to hear. How do I find myself?!?

Ilene Cohen

Hi Eric, Thank you for your comment. This inflicts men and women, even though I know people usually associate people-pleasing with women. It is good you are taking note of this and making changes. Wish you the best!

Ilene Cohen

Thank you for your kind words! Well that is great because the audible is being produced now and will be available in November! I will keep you updated!

Ilene Cohen

Lisa, so true! You really made a wonderful point! Something very important to recognize.

Sharon Hunston

A brilliant article that is so relevant to so many people including myself! Thank you x

Debbie B.

Ilene, you are “spot on” with this article! Thank you for sharing it.
I recognize myself and the people pleasing behaviors; now understand it from a different perspective.
Count me in, please, on a chance to win (1) of (2) copies of your book!

Sincerely,
Debbie B.

Ilene Cohen

So exhausting! Time to make changes, so you can be everything for yourself!

Janice Anderson

Thank you Dr Ilene. Omg, I felt, you were talking about me. Being abandoned, poor and abused as a child in the Philippines, I have been a pleaser since I can remember, so that anyone would give me attention and love me. I gave myself, my time, energy, food, money, whatever i had to give or share just to make everyone I loved and cared for happy. I would cry, get sick to my stomach, get headaches and get physically ill. It would consume me, if I couldn’t help and I hurt there feelings. Believe it or not I never did drugs, smoke or drank alcohol. It was more important to me that they where happy even if it meant sacrificing myself and my own families needs. It made me feel like their hero for just that small second of a moment in time. Finally at 55 yrs old, mother of 3, grandmother of 9, I’m getting better now at pleasing my self first. Learning to respect & love myself before others. I still love to help people, especially friends and family but in ways that makes me happy too and not out of guilt. Thank you again for this beautiful story, message. It’s my reminder to stand my ground and putting my own needs first is ok. Even if it means being alone. I finally learned to say NO in the most gentle, loving way & with respect. I’ll always be giving, loving, caring and compassionate, because its who I am at my core, my soul and with God’s guidance and prayer. I’m finally at peace, thanks to God, my husband, Oprah SSS shows, Buddhist monk, books like “The 4 Aggrement”, “The Secret”, great friends and many Blessings.
Kind regards & Blessings to you.
Reiki Master/ Teacher, Janice.

Ilene Cohen

For sure not alone, I have a thriving private practice with people dealing with the issue.

Hillary

Count me in!

ilene cohen

Glad it was eye opening for you. The book will be helpful for you too then!

Ilene Cohen

Mine too just a few years ago!

Ilene Cohen

Angela! Great points! Acceptance needs to come from within.

Ilene Cohen

Thank you! I would love for you to read my book! 🙂

Ilene Cohen

Hi Eszter! Yes, you got it. When kindness comes from anxiety and fear, it will end up making you feel drained and lonely. I have an entire chapter dedicated to that very idea. It is so important to make changes and you will see that you and your relationships will change. I no longer feel like my relationships are one-sided. I used to feel so alone and like no one understood me. Now I feel included and so grateful for relationships that are give and take, versus draining ones.

Diafano

Boundaries. Count me in, please.

Ilene Cohen

Yep! I did the same thing. We rather feel bad then have others feel bad about their own actions. Good thing you changed that!

Ilene Cohen

Very true! Thank you for your input.