“Niceness is the psychological armor of the people-pleaser.” ~Harriet B. Braiker
I used to think that being kind, gentle, and agreeable was guaranteed to win me love and acceptance from others. I’d tiptoe around destructive people’s behaviors, no matter how uncomfortable I felt about it, believing to my core that if only I could be nice enough to them, they would one day lead a better life.
I lived my life constantly avoiding anything that might make me look like a bad, imperfect, antagonistic, or unlikeable person. Because as every people-pleaser knows, being disliked or disapproved of feels worse than ignoring your own feelings—at least at first.
Some people were easy to please; a kind gesture or smile was all it would take. Getting their approval so effortlessly made me happier than a kid at Disney World. But with other people, it seemed the more I tried to please them, the more likely they were to treat me like an old dish rag; and the more this happened, the less I liked myself.
Eventually, my efforts to please others left me feeling disrespected, violated, and disconnected—from life, from other people, and from myself.
For many years, I silently endured the ongoing, relentless invalidation of who I was based on how others treated me. When someone close to me was feeling unsatisfied, negative, or in search of someone to blame, there I was, ready to take it.
But no matter how unhappy I was, I still wanted to make them feel better. I wanted to see them happy, even at my own expense.
At the core of these one-sided relationships I maintained with some of the perpetually dissatisfied people in my life was an enduring belief that if only I could solve their problems and make them happy, I’d finally receive the love and acceptance I desired all my life.
I never stopped to think, “But what about me? What will become of me if I keep trying to satisfy people with an unquenchable thirst?” I couldn’t see that no matter what I did, it would never be enough. In fact, it wasn’t about me at all. I didn’t realize that no matter how good I am at solving problems, or how perfectly I can handle things, if someone wants to find fault with me, they will.
Instead of seeing other people’s dissatisfaction as an issue for them to resolve on their own, I internalized it and interpreted it to mean I wasn’t good enough.
But one day, I finally started asking myself some important questions: “What will become of me and my self-worth if I keep basing it on unhappy people’s perceptions? Who will love and respect me if I’m not even taking a stand for myself?”
My conception of who I needed to be in order to gain love and acceptance was slapping me in the face over and over again like a flat tire driving on uneven pavement. But still, I wondered why my formula wasn’t working. I truly believed that living selflessly was a surefire way to get love, appreciation, respect, and lots of hugs in return.
It took me a while to realize that living this way was actually having the opposite effect. My constant selfless giving and kindness didn’t automatically earn me a pass on the eternal acceptance subway. It actually seemed to be an invitation for people to take advantage of my generosity, allowing them to feel less anxious about their own lives.
I set myself up to be other people’s emotional dumpster, personal life fixer, and convenient source of blame for their misfortunes.
What I came to learn the hard way is that pleasing others isn’t the way to win their love and respect. I finally realized that if I kept taking on other people’s anxiety as my own, they would never change. And why would they, after all? They got lots of relief from me stepping in and resolving things. But at what cost?
All this pleasing had left me feeling inadequate and stressed out as I watched the recipients of my pleasing play out the same problems and drama, over and over again.
Love At All Costs
One night I had a dream that I was standing in a field with nothing but the clothes on my back. I felt weak and tired, like I needed someone to come lift me up and ask me how I was doing.
Slowly, my family and friends started to join me in the field. But they weren’t there to rescue me; they were there to bring me their troubles.
One by one, they started pulling me in different directions. They wanted me to solve their lives for them, even though I was alone, tired, defeated, and left with nothing.
The dream was showing me the truth about how I was living. When my life and health started to collapse around me like a burning building, I had to take a hard look at my perspective and decisions. I started to question my beliefs about what it meant to be a truly good person, and what it took to receive the love and respect I so desired.
That dream helped me understand that my people-pleasing behaviors weren’t getting me what I desired; they were getting me the very experiences I spent my life trying to avoid.
Back then, it would have been easier for me to blame others for their ungratefulness and neediness; but deep down, I knew that blaming would have been another way to avoid taking a look at myself.
I was sick of exhausting myself trying to help and change other people, only to find that it didn’t work. I knew I had to change myself and, as cheesy as it may sound, give myself the love and respect I so desired. Because the truth is, no one can give you what you should be giving yourself from within—especially not those people who need the pleasing you so easily offer.
After much reflection, I came to see that my pleasing behaviors were a way for me to get the validation from others that I wasn’t giving myself. Of course my efforts backfired, because I alone was responsible for my happiness; other people’s happiness wasn’t my responsibility, and just because I was overly nice to someone didn’t mean they had to treat me the same way.
I was trying to please other people so I could feel worthy of love. In reality, my kindness wasn’t coming from a place of vulnerability, honesty, or acceptance; it was rooted in anxiety and fear.
In my attempts to make everyone else happy, I lost control of my own identity, and they lost their ability to solve their own problems. By changing myself to become who everyone wanted me to be, I made myself less desirable and implicitly invited people to take me for granted.
Pleasing Yourself
Do you find yourself people-pleasing and wonder how you can get the love and respect you desire? Well, the answer is pretty simple, but the actions it takes aren’t quite as simple. The first step involves changing your perceptions. Once that’s done, changing your behaviors will follow naturally. Here are some things to remember:
1. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you regularly do things for others that they’re avoiding doing for themselves.
2. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when people violate your boundaries, and you don’t speak up about it.
3. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you say yes to something but really want to say no.
4. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you internalize others’ dissatisfaction and take it on as your own problem.
5. You aren’t treating yourself with love and respect when you hurt yourself in order to make others happy.
Over time, I came to understand that my efforts to make other people happy were like deposits made in a piggy bank with a giant hole at the bottom.
If you’re stuck in a people-pleasing cycle, chances are you’re subconsciously attaching to people who need you to soothe their discomfort, because they can’t do it for themselves. Since they don’t know how to manage their own emotions, they’ll continue to reach out to you whenever they’re in crisis—and, on the occasions when your pleasing behaviors aren’t sufficient for them, they’ll blame you for their discomfort.
If you want to make changes in your life, it’s time for you to see this pattern clearly and stop basing your sense of worthiness on other people’s approval of you.
Change your perceptions, beliefs, and behaviors. Make contributions to a bank that pays interest. Receive the love and respect you so desire by celebrating your freedom from the longing to be accepted by others.
—
Editor’s note: Ilene has generously offered to give away two free copies of her latest book, When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom. To enter to win one of two free copies, leave a comment below. You don’t have to write anything specific—”Count me in” is sufficient! You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday, November 5th.
UPDATE: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. They are Emma Andmark Shishkin and Mari Toni.
About Ilene S. Cohen
Ilene S. Cohen, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, blogger, and professor. She’s a regular contributor to Psychology Today, with her most recent release of her self-help book entitled, When It’s Never About You. Her work is fueled by her passion for helping people achieve their goals, and lead fulfilling and meaningful lives. To learn more about Dr. Ilene visit www.doctorilene.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Thank you for this post. I have been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember, and over the past couple of years have started working on changing my perceptions, beliefs and behaviors to stop basing my sense of worthiness on other peoples approval of me. It has been hard and I still struggle and fall into old habits at times, but it is so worth it!!
Your welcome! It is so hard that is why so many people don’t change. Glad to hear you are making an effort in the right direction!
Thank you so much! This article came at exactly the right time for me. Ilene described me perfectly…… I really do need to make changes
I am glad that this article came at the perfect time in your life! It isn’t easy to live that way.
thank you for the article
Thank you for reading 🙂
I can’t even begin to tell you what this finding this article did for me today.
After having quit at yet another job that drained me, being without anyone to sacrifice myself for, I’ve fallen back into a pit of despair, realising that I am now 30 years old and I have no desires, boundaries or wishes for myself. Making a move forward feels impossible, because I’ve become completely disconnected from who I am or what I want.
My entire life, I’ve been tangled up by other people to the extent that I feel more invested in their well being than my own – and they don’t even have to be people I care about or even know! I’ve realised that this compulsive addiction is borne from a perpetual feeling of being unsafe. I’ve been trying to manipulate my surroundings with kindness, humor, endless giving and altering myself to whatever I think is needed in order to null any threats to my safety (aka every negative emotion I encounter in others). But surprise surprise – this work is NEVER done. It is impossible to find this safety outside myself. It is impossible to live this way. Frustration has finally pushed me to see that I am hardly living at all. The realisation is crushing. The fact that I am not alone is so soothing to my hurting heart.
Ilene, thank you for this article. I cannot wait to read your book.
You are still young – me in my 60’s before realizing I have missed my self in my own life. I tried a “storyboard” to help me get started. It helped me realize that I do have an inkling of what I want even though I wasn’t that aware of it. Gratitude for what I do have helps too, believe it or not. Your awareness is an inspiration and a starting point, not an ending.
Great advice! I agree! 🙂
Yes!! So true. Thank you.
By nature I was born a free spirit. Happy, positive and very loving of people, nature and especially animals. I’ve been called an empath by most people who know me, and some have said a people pleaser.
There are so many labels out there for everything these days, weather your good, bad, or indifferent. I ignor all the labels. We are just people. No better, no worse. Nevertheless, I too get used and disrespected because of my personality. Most of the time I don’t let others ungrateful, disrespectful behaviour define me or change who I am and the personality I was born with. They have the problem, not me. I always forgive them in my heart,but I do know enough to move on so I don’t end up disrespecting myself or damaging my spirit.
I like who I am and I work very hard to keep my authentic self and my spirit alive despite all the negativity and drama that goes on in our short little lives we all have here on this planet. When my time is up I’ll know I’ve made a difference, even if it was in one persons life. All of you out there are amazing beautiful souls ad my only suggestion is to be the beautiful authentic loving people you are, but just know when to draw the line to protect yourselves. All the best. I hope I helped!
Thank you
I look at it like ‘they have the problem, not me’ as well. And I know it sounds callous but I have had to start telling myself ‘it’s not my problem’when I find myself getting sucked in and too involved, For my own sanity. At 53 I’m finally getting it….
Hi, Aleydis, I am sorry you find yourself in that position. I know how crushing it can be. However, it is good that you are taking a closer look at your life and that you want to make changes. It is of course never easy, but well worth it to have your own life! Thanks for sharing how you feel, I hope you find my book useful!
Very thoughtful insight Aleydis. No doubt it is helpful to others who feel the same. It can take some people years to come to your awareness. It is time to clear the people pleasing mindset and instead empower yourself with the truth of your ability. Very liberating, now you can start living!
Two captains of the same ship my friend. I too am around that 30 mark and have hit that same wall. I appreciate your ability to be so articulate about these issues. It’s nice to know someone out there is feeling like I do.
I believe in us though. Recognizing is the first step, because with recognition come a willingness to change. Thanks again for opening up. 💜
I just want to recommend baby steps when dealing with this issue. It may take a really long time to recover from this behavior, I’m still working on it after many years. When I don’t know what I want, I do at least know that my stomach tightens up when I’m not listening to myself, and I start there, trying to listen, even if I can’t hear what my body or my inner child is saying. Eventually, when you listen enough to yourself, you will begin to hear what it’s saying and where the healing comes from. Be patient and kind to yourself in the meantime.
Aleydis, you have just echoed my entire life and situation. I hear you and my aching heart feels all that you feel, truly.
I also turned 30 this year and it suddenly hit me that I’ve simply allowed myself to be pushed and pulled around by others, to try to keep them happy, but at the cost of losing my own path and losing sight of what really makes me happy.
I have left countless, countless jobs because of other people. Not the job, the people. Strong, dominant characters would often be my trigger to flight. I only had one strategy ‘be nice, polite and hardworking and they will be nice, polite and grateful back the you’…WRONG. The more I gave, the more they took. The more I worked hard, the more I became invisible.
Ilene, this article has related to me in a way that no other ‘self help’ article has. Thank you. I can’t wait to read your book also.
I am so glad that I am not on my own.
I’ve struggled with pathological people pleasing and perfectionism since I was a young child and now I don’t even know who I am anymore because I am always trying to be all things to all people – except myself! I would love a copy of this book! And thank you!
So exhausting! Time to make changes, so you can be everything for yourself!
Thank you for this article!
I struggle with this daily. Thank you for this, it has helped me to realize I’m not alone in this!
For sure not alone, I have a thriving private practice with people dealing with the issue.
I could relate to this article.
“In fact, it wasn’t about me At all.”
Previously At was it.
Please correct the typo, it is in CAPS.
Great article! Thanks for posting.
I would love a copy of your book! This article hit so close to home for me! eye opening for sure!
Glad it was eye opening for you. The book will be helpful for you too then!
My photo ought to be right next to the words “people pleaser”.
Mine too just a few years ago!
What a fascinating insight! It’s easy to fall into the trap of the ‘people pleaser,’ in order to gain acceptance from others; whatever that may be? Real acceptance is accepting yourself for who you are, warts and all! It can take a real shift into self-awareness to see the lasting damage a ‘people pleaser’ can do over a period of time. By stepping away from the very people or concepts that put us there in the first place, can we truly start to heal and grow! A xx
Angela! Great points! Acceptance needs to come from within.
Thank you for this article. I’d love to read a copy of your book!
Thank you! I would love for you to read my book! 🙂
Thank you for this article! The timing is just perfect, when I feel so drained, exploited and lonely; trying to figure out what I am doing wrong seeing that noone cares about me, no matter how hard I try to win their love…I especially like the reminder that kindness should not come from anxiety and fear. Thanks again!
Hi Eszter! Yes, you got it. When kindness comes from anxiety and fear, it will end up making you feel drained and lonely. I have an entire chapter dedicated to that very idea. It is so important to make changes and you will see that you and your relationships will change. I no longer feel like my relationships are one-sided. I used to feel so alone and like no one understood me. Now I feel included and so grateful for relationships that are give and take, versus draining ones.
Thank you Ilene, I am very interested in reading your book!
When i am in people pleasing mode, the sad truth is that i am setting OTHERS up to be labeled untrustworthy…..they are in a relationship with someone they THINK i am, not who i really am. That real, authentic person is not who i present, so how can i trust them, when they REALLY dont know me…i don’t even know who i am at that point…the famous “imposter syndrome..” a self fulfilling prophecy, and quite painful when i take the mask off
Lisa, so true! You really made a wonderful point! Something very important to recognize.
I spent a lot of my life putting people in no-win situations and somehow internally I always knew i was wrong my conscience is too big now as I get older…b——t just doesn’t work anymore
Count me in
When i used to be a people pleaser, i used to apologize to people when they hurt me and that was an invitation for them to come back into my life and make me sad anxious and depressed.
Yep! I did the same thing. We rather feel bad then have others feel bad about their own actions. Good thing you changed that!
Unfortunately, such a true article from a personal viewpoint, especially in relation to the “Dream”. But, we can all change and improve ourselves and personal state. The first step in my opinion is opening our eyes, no matter our age or circumstances. Best of luck to the others. : )
Very true! Thank you for your input.
Loved your article and would love your book!
Thank you! 🙂
Count me in!
This is me. I would love to read this book!
Thank you! Hope it is helpful!
Count me in!
That article, was like it was describing me 🙁
”Count me in” for the book, I would really like to read how to save myself from this constant other-pleasing torture.
Thank you!
Hi Christy, It can feel like torture. Just writing this article and brining myself back to those emotions was hard. My book has activities, goes more into depth about my story and my clients stories. If followed the book will help you out of the people-pleasing nightmare! Wish you well.
Fantastic article and beautifully written! You have definitely pinpointed an area in which many “people-pleasers” most likely can relate to.
And I would LOVE to read your book…even better if you have an audible version:)
Thank you for your kind words! Well that is great because the audible is being produced now and will be available in November! I will keep you updated!
Yep, so very much my life. I am guy and feel especially vulnerable in this arena admitting that this picture describes my life so well. Taking care of others above and beyond while my own life suffers is something that I am working to change.
Hi Eric, Thank you for your comment. This inflicts men and women, even though I know people usually associate people-pleasing with women. It is good you are taking note of this and making changes. Wish you the best!
This article is absolutely excellent, entirely spot on. Thank you for putting these feelings and experiences into words so amazingly well.
Hi Joey! I appreciate your kind words!
I’m glad I’m not the only one in this situation. I’ve been doing this all my life, as if it is something to be proud of. I’m now at a stage in my late 40’s where I suffer from depression and just don’t know where to go. I don’t even think therapy would help at this point because I’m a chronic people pleaser and find myself saying exactly what people want to hear. How do I find myself?!?
Hi Sinead, I know at times pleasing can make you feel hopeless and powerless. It is by no means ever too late to change! It is nothing to beat yourself up about, I am sure there is a perfectly logical reason why you started pleasing. For me I came from a critical and abusive environment, so people-pleasing was my way to stay safe. But as I got older I saw it wasn’t working for me anymore. Therapy would 100% help if you find the right therapist and are dedicated to change. Start with my book, and if you have more questions feel free to write me a private message. I have many years of experience working with people-pleasers. Wish you well!
A brilliant article that is so relevant to so many people including myself! Thank you x
Thank you! AND your welcome!
Ilene, you are “spot on” with this article! Thank you for sharing it.
I recognize myself and the people pleasing behaviors; now understand it from a different perspective.
Count me in, please, on a chance to win (1) of (2) copies of your book!
Sincerely,
Debbie B.
Thanks! I am glad I could help in changing your perspective!
Thank you Dr Ilene. Omg, I felt, you were talking about me. Being abandoned, poor and abused as a child in the Philippines, I have been a pleaser since I can remember, so that anyone would give me attention and love me. I gave myself, my time, energy, food, money, whatever i had to give or share just to make everyone I loved and cared for happy. I would cry, get sick to my stomach, get headaches and get physically ill. It would consume me, if I couldn’t help and I hurt there feelings. Believe it or not I never did drugs, smoke or drank alcohol. It was more important to me that they where happy even if it meant sacrificing myself and my own families needs. It made me feel like their hero for just that small second of a moment in time. Finally at 55 yrs old, mother of 3, grandmother of 9, I’m getting better now at pleasing my self first. Learning to respect & love myself before others. I still love to help people, especially friends and family but in ways that makes me happy too and not out of guilt. Thank you again for this beautiful story, message. It’s my reminder to stand my ground and putting my own needs first is ok. Even if it means being alone. I finally learned to say NO in the most gentle, loving way & with respect. I’ll always be giving, loving, caring and compassionate, because its who I am at my core, my soul and with God’s guidance and prayer. I’m finally at peace, thanks to God, my husband, Oprah SSS shows, Buddhist monk, books like “The 4 Aggrement”, “The Secret”, great friends and many Blessings.
Kind regards & Blessings to you.
Reiki Master/ Teacher, Janice.
Count me in!
Boundaries. Count me in, please.
I have an entire section on boundaries in my book!
Count me in too! I very much would like to and need to read this book.
Awesome!
This is all about me and how I have lived my life for so many years. I live it alone now because that is the only way I know how to to stop pleasing others is just not to have anyone around to please except me. It is so lonely living this way but it was too hard living the other way. Can this book help me find a good way to live that doesn’t go to this extreme?
Hi Nancy, Thanks for your comment. I know how when pleasing gets to be so overwhelming it can just feel better to be alone, but you are right it is lonely. Yes, my book is actually mostly about how you can find a way to be yourself and have better relationships at the same time. As a marriage and Family therapist I have studied relationships for over 10 years. My book is a compilation of my education, training, research and personal experience. For so long I just wanted to give up on people, and be alone myself. Now I have a totally different viewpoint. Check out my book, here is the preface to get an idea of what it is about, http://bit.ly/2fVL5VQ
Ive isolated also Nancy Brice. I do well on my own. But it is getting lonely. Time to do the work i guess.
Great article!
Absolutely count me in!!!!
Great article! I’d love to win the book and find out more
Thanks for your insightful words. I’m afraid that I am a people pleaser too, and am having a hard time learning to stop.
Kari Johnston
A wise and helpful article; thank you. This is not a behavior I struggle with, but I have given up on friendships with people who do because it gets in the way of true intimacy and trust. When behavior is curated for my approval, I never know what’s real about the other person; lies of omission are always possible. Nor do I want to be responsible, through my response, for another’s sense of well-being. Big boundary and accountability issues attach to people-pleasing as you’ve so insightfully described it. It’s no better for those being “pleased,” than it is the pleaser.
Very good observation. In the end people pleasing doesn’t please anyone.
This is exactly what I wanted to speak up too. I mean, it’s unhealthy for the one being pleased either. I’ve in relationship with people who are people pleasers – who, in the end, ended in tragedy – depression, stress, anxiety – and they eventually became burdens for me – leaving me feel guilty at the same time. I wish people would just be honest and have the courage to be just who they are when they decide to enter into a relationship so that the other person can get an exact idea about the one they are dating – avoiding all disappointments. This perspective of pleasing others obviously doesn’t help to build long-lasting relationships.
count me in
Every… single… word… this is all I’ve done my whole life, me being nice and giving everyone everything I have is exactly as stated, a sign of fear and anxiety of not being accepted. I’m 32 and struggling with EUPD, this article was definitely an eye opener, I shall be getting the revision cards out later to write down those points and sticking them on the wall not only for me to see but my daughters too, I don’t want them getting stuck in the rut I’m in.
I am glad you are making the effort to make changes! That will benefit your daughters too!
I just told my husband to read Tiny Buddha because it described who I was for a great portion of my life. It is a no win situation, this “being nice”, and being a doormat is degrading and depressing. Finally I came to realize that the validation I was seeking was my own! Saying no and speaking the truth may be difficult at first, but becomes easier. True compassion begins to bloom and we can practice generosity from a place of integrity and love. Huge difference.
Yes I agree!
Wow… this is my life. This explains so much.
Glad this helped explain things for you!
Working on this now. Just starting this journey.
Good luck! 🙂
Sorry my comment posted 2x. I didn’t think the first comment took since I’m no longer on FB website.
This is so much me!
yup. been there. learning this pattern is a process. it took a long time to cultivate the “people pleasing” ego, and now it is taking time to undo it. funny thing – those that “love you” don’t like it when you suddenly break the patterns and they are left with doing the work themselves. i am a work in progress.
Yep very true! They are so used to you doing everything. Over time they will adjust.
Good to recognize what I’m doing but how do I stop it? Family and friends have these expectations of who I am and I don’t want to be that person anymore!
Yes, that is the hard part feeling like you will disappoint family and friends. Once you start putting your needs first and not saying yes to everyone all the time some people will surprise you and be okay with it and others may get upset. It is important to be clear about your choices and straight forward. I talk a lot about this process in my book. What keeps us pleasing is our fear of others reactions.
This my life. I couple of years ago I decided I wasn’t going to do it anymore. My decision was met by a lot of negativity and anger from people like my mom and husband. My husband said you aren’t the person I fell in love. So I’m seriously considering divorce because I’m not that person, I don’t want to be that person and if I stay I may get pushed into going back to that people pleasing person. I’m 59 years old and don’t want to waste the rest of my life.
Yes I totally understand that. When you make changes their will be pushback from the people in your life. They were used to you being another way. Eventually the pushback should stop if your consistent and willing to put in the time. I talk a lot about that in my book.
Thank you for your generous offer! This is so valuable (-:
Your welcome. 🙂 I want to get this information out to as many people as I can.