“How people treat other people is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves.” ~Paulo Coelho
By nature, I am a happy, optimistic, idealistic person. I have always been one to look on the bright side and see the good in people. My usual philosophy in life is that the world is full of brightness, love, and possibilities to seize.
Recently, though, my philosophy began to fade in the face of a mild depression.
I began to cry a lot and retreat into myself rather than being social and opening up, which only furthered the problem. I felt alone, miserable, and, try as I might, I could not regain that feeling of the world being beautiful.
I felt like something had crawled into my brain and flipped all the positive switches off and the negative ones on. I felt hopeless, like it was more of a disease than a feeling.
Before the depression, I was a kind, gentle, and compassionate person. Sometimes I was even too gentle, afraid to bring up anything that might offend someone else or damage our relationship.
I didn’t understand how other people could be mean, rude, or offensive toward strangers or friends. I took it personally when people affronted me or were curt with me, believing they were truly out to get me for something I’d done.
When people were mean, I figured it was a personal choice, that it was a conscious decision to stop caring about other people’s feelings and opinions.
When I became depressed, though, my temper shortened and I felt far more irritable.
I had little patience for anything, and I lived in a constant state of anxiety about social interactions. Whenever I engaged in conversation with someone else, I assumed they found me boring, annoying, or self-obsessed, and it sent me even further into my sadness.
I started to become rude and unkind myself. I lashed out at people, or, more commonly, gave them passive aggressive excuses for distancing myself from them.
I even became prone to insulting people as a way of protecting myself if they didn’t like me.
I didn’t make a conscious decision to be mean. I didn’t wake up in the morning and think, “Today, I am going to hurt someone’s feelings.” It just happened in the moment when I was feeling especially down on myself.
Most of the people I was rude to were actually friends of mine, people I liked and had nothing against.
This is no excuse for rudeness, offensive behavior, or being unkind to other individuals. I am not proud of the way I’ve acted, and I’m not suggesting you follow in my footsteps, but it did give me a new perspective on other people I come across who are less than kind.
When someone is rude for no reason, especially a stranger, it’s rarely a personal assault, even if you accidentally did something to irritate them.
People aren’t mean for the sport of it, or because they are against you; people are mean to cope.
Being unkind, more often than not, is a reaction to anger with ourselves or our perceived inadequacy. When I was rude to other people, it was because I was afraid they wouldn’t like the nice me. I didn’t mind if they were angry at the fake, unkind me, because it really wasn’t me.
I felt unlovable, undesirable, and antisocial, and I needed a way to cope with these feelings by giving myself an alter ego that deserved to be disliked for reasons I could understand.
When you find that people are being rude to you in your everyday life, they are really being mean to themselves.
They have likely convinced themselves that they are unworthy of love, and that is the biggest tragedy of all.
You don’t have to tolerate it when others are not nice, but it’s not something to take personally.
You don’t have to internalize the meanness as a fault of your own. You can simply recognize that the person being rude is struggling with their own problems, and needs a way to cope with them.
You cannot control the actions and behaviors of others, only your personal reactions to them.
If you yourself are the one who has been unkind, it is time for self-reflection. Why do you attack people? What are you trying to protect yourself from?
In my case, I got depressed because I felt socially awkward and I began losing friends. After that, I shied away from social gatherings, only augmenting the problem.
I constantly thought negative things, such as “Nobody likes you,” “Who would want to be your friend?” and “You are not worthy of the friends you have.” I created a toxic environment inside my own head, and it wasn’t based in reality.
I knew I had to change my outlook, so I pushed myself to see the good in myself and the reasons why I’m likable; as a result, I began to see the good in others again too.
It’s not an easy process, and for many, it requires therapy and months of time. However, you can begin your journey back to kindness by being kinder to yourself.
Listen closely to your destructive, self-critical thoughts. Are they based in reality, or are you fabricating them?
If you criticize yourself because you feel guilty about things you did in the past, work on nurturing self-forgiveness, just as you’d forgive a loved one for those same mistakes.
If you criticize yourself because you were raised to believe you were a bad person, recognize this isn’t true, and know that you can choose to heal and challenge this belief as an adult.
Try to look at yourself from an outside perspective and remind yourself of all the unique and beautiful qualities you possess and have the ability to share with the world.
With enough time and effort, you will begin to see the pattern in your unkind behavior and its link to your own anger at yourself.
Once you can hone in on your feelings about yourself, you can begin to make conscious decisions to be kind to others instead of lashing out as a coping mechanism.
I have always unfalteringly held the belief that people are inherently good, and only do bad things in reaction to bad situations.
The most important thing to remember, whether you are receiving or giving unkindness, is that you are inherently good, too, and deserve to be loved, no matter what you or someone else tells you.
About Avery Rogers
Avery Rogers is a high school student in California. She aspires to be an author, spiritual writer, and neuroscientist when she grows up. She is the creator and host of the Brainstorms Podcast, a neuroscience podcast for teenagers. She also runs a personal blog about love, spirituality, and the meaning of life at on her blog Pluto’s Journal.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
This is a process that people recovering from (emotional) abuse experience too. More often than not they have been made to feel that they deserved or caused the abuse. Thanks for this great insight, I will share with our followers. Fly Free, xM
Very accurate and insightful. I struggled with depression for many, many years.
Thank you, and I’m so sorry to hear that. Depression is such a difficult thing to get through, but I believe we grow from it far more than we ever anticipate, too.
That’s very true, and I’m sorry for not touching on that. It’s not a personal experience of mine, but I’m sure the recovery process is very similar in the sense of finding your own value and worth again. Thank you for sharing!
This is so true! There are lots of times, when we feel confused and end up blaming ourselves for everything. Forgiving others is a good deed, but forgiving ourselves is also important. Whatever the situations are, we have to move on and that’s the law of Nature. Very well written, Avery!
One of my most harmful tendencies is finding a way to blame myself for everything- it’s something I’m still working on today. Thank you for your comment and insight!
I have found that the only way to deal with some “mean people” is to just stay away from them altogether. This puts me at odds with the whole forgiveness “movement” for lack of a better term. The result? I just end up feeling guilty – like I have no right to cut the mean person out. It’s a process! Thank you for a great piece on the subject, Avery.
I agree that there are times when you simply have to walk away. Sometimes, you have to be kind to yourself, and that means leaving a person or situation when there’s nothing you can do to improve it. However, I think most of the time, a number of conversations about the root of someone’s rudeness can lead to a healthier relationship. As you said, it’s a process. Thank you for reading and sharing!
This is a very good read. I’ve suffered severe depression for as far back as I can remember. Only recently do I believe I am beginning to find some inner calm and maybe a small measure of balance within myself, and I’ve began changing from a cold and rather mean person to what I believe I should be and that is warm and caring. I’ve spent a lot of time meditating on this change I believe I’ve been experiencing, and my changes of responses and behaviors. And I have to say what is written here closely reflects my thoughts on why myself in the past and others as well exhibit mean and uncaring behaviors, and I realized it all stems back to responses to anxiety and stress. I contemplated how I could change these responses in myself, and even how I may be able to help others in their own responses, and I realized it was all about caring. Actually really caring what happens.
I was talking about this with my cousin this morning and I said the same thing. Sometimes we have to isolate a negative influence from ourselves for our own wellbeing. Sometimes it is factually the other person who is isolating themselves as they push others away. I am beginning to really see meanness as a symptom, and I am recognizing in the past when I was mean and even now when I witnessed mean behaviors it is a symptom like a nutrient deficiency showing on the leaves of our plant species, and it makes me sad and left feeling a little powerless.
Maybe acceptance as a formal step to undertake when recognizing self blame. I’ve been doing that lately, like a little self confessional, and self forgiveness, it feels good afterward.
I will reply to your reply with a long comment, which I think you will enjoy reading.
I have had a very unusual life; I was raised by a single mother with untreated paranoid schizophrenia (she was eventually treated and is doing fine). I struggled with depression for most of my life. About twelve years ago I started getting over the depression.
But only recently I noticed how strong my negative distortions were. And also only recently I noticed how much my depression was affecting other people. That insight is not easy for a person with a history of this type to develop, because you have to trust yourself enough to see that other people had positive ideas about you. When you’re depressed you just feel that other people dislike you as much as you dislike yourself. It’s a disorder that can make people literally believe that committing suicide will make their family happier. You don’t get that you have the power to be make other people happy or unhappy.
Interestingly, one of the things that helped – beside therapy – was that I started being positive to people at a new job as a strategy. I had realized that I had compromised my career by being negative. Needless to say, people love it when you are friendly and positive to them. That isn’t something a depressed person gets. A depressed person thinks that if they tried to be positive, other people would be scornful or something. It’s quite unfair to other people. You try to beat yourself up, other people get hurt too.
By the way, I am a pathologist. I see you are interested in being a neurologist. That is a wonderful goal. If you aim for that goal now, not only is it a plausible and valuable goal in itself, but the process of going for it will open up many other opportunities. Here are a few tidbits of pragmatic advice –
1) Due to my family situation I didn’t do any advanced courses in high school. I did very well in college and got into med school anyway, but if you have the chance, get some things under your belt, especially calculus.
2) You can’t control which medical school you get into so give some thought to controlling debt at the undergraduate level.
3) Take the MCAT exam very seriously.
Good luck with everything.
Thank you for sharing your story, Harold. I have a similar background, only my mother was bipolar and I was mentally & emotionally abused. I have had to undo all of the harm she caused and I think I’m almost “there”. I no longer blame her as I know she did the best she could. When she was dying, I was the most present for her. Oddly enough, I only began to forgive her this year and she’s been gone now for 6 years.
Your advice for Avery is very generous and kind. Amazing how an article can bring people together!
Thank you for sharing yours.
Mental illness often makes you do the exact opposite of what you want to do. My mother would have wanted more than anything to raise her children to be happy. She had an illness that tragically interfered with that, although in the end it looks as if things are working out. I am sure it is the same with your mother as well.
I have a brother, and we have not had any trouble forgiving our mother, possibly because her illness made her need our help. However, it is also tough that way, too. For many years I felt disloyal if I admitted how much impact my mother’s illness had on me, as I wanted to minimize the impact, in order to not blame my mother for my own problems. I’m finally able to get that I can love my mother, appreciate the good things she did, understand that she did her best and had the best intentions, and also honestly state that she had a terrible disease that impacted on us in a profound way.
My mother also had a lot of great qualities. They were overshadowed by her illness. I lived alone with her and didn’t share a lot of what was happening with my siblings and as a result, they hated me for a long time. She would distort stories about events. As we all got older, she began lashing out at them, too and I think they began to understand a bit. A very little bit, but a bit nonetheless. What ends up happening in cases like mine is that you feel so bad about yourself that you automatically blame yourself for feeling so bad. It’s not about placing blame on my mother, but understanding that her behaviour had a definite impact on my psyche and personality. People can’t make this distinction and just accuse you of placing blame and not taking responsibility for your life. I began to think this, too and I only ended up feeling worse. Finally understanding that I am not “broken” or “bad” or “not a nice person” but just conditioned to think that about myself was a huge breakthrough. Again, not blaming my mother, but understanding what transpired. As I mentioned, I am getting “there” and probably am almost “there”. Most importantly, I broke the cycle and raised an amazing child myself. Best wishes to you going forward and congratulations on all of you breakthroughs!
Best wishes to you, too. Many thanks for sharing your story with me.
I’m glad you found the article reflected your personal experience. Caring about others, ourselves, and the world is so much a part of being kind. If you don’t care, there’s no reason to be kind. Unfortunately, it’s very hard to learn to care. I’m not an authority on the subject, but if you’ve made that journey, all the power to you to share it with Tiny Buddha and the community.
I wrote another article for Tiny Buddha about how being a positive influence for others helped me to feel more adequate and let go of expectations I placed on myself, and I think you’ve hit on another valuable use for kindness: curing your own depression. Recently, I’ve been trying to spread more compliments and connect with new people that I’d previously been cut off from to regain my calm and happiness. Thank you for your story, not only did I very much enjoy reading, but hearing someone’s story and how they overcame always helps me with my own life decisions and struggles.
As far as your advice goes, thank you! I just finished BC Calculus this year (one of my favorite classes I’ve taken in high school), and I took some other APs as well. I will keep the other two in mind (I actually didn’t realize the MCAT was med school, so thanks!). Thank you so much for your advice and your story, I really appreciate it!
It’s so nice to see a conversation like this among strangers; I really enjoyed reading both of your stories and thank you for sharing. I always find that finding someone else who shares your struggles is the best way to get through them, whether the other person has overcome them or simply understands what you are going through.
I don’t have a similar childhood experience, so I can’t add to your thread, but I wish you both the best in getting through your childhood issues with your parents. It’s a process, always, and I hope you both find that struggling helps you become a better person in the future.
You’re quite the young lady, Avery. Your parents should be very proud and you should be proud of yourself. I can’t believe you are in hight school. Thank you for touching us and bringing us “together”. Best of luck to you in all that you do!
Why thank you! Sometimes I feel like an old lady in a sixteen-year old body, but then I do something characteristically teenage (mostly complain about the “system”) and the feeling wears off. Thanks again!
Avery, Your words today were very enlightening and helpful to me! Thank you! Please continue on your chosen path! You are gifted. Thank you for sharing your gift today and thank you, Lori Deschene for recognizing yet another talented and gifted voice! Love and light to both of you. ~ Sarah
I have to agree with the comment below. Your togetherness is amazing.
The MCAT is for medical school. You will do extremely well and don’t have to worry for a few years anyway. However it is good to be aware of it. Unfortunately, the existence of prep courses means that essentially everybody uses one. I was a “starving student” but I studied with a friend who let me use material from a prep course (we both did well and got into medical school).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medical_College_Admission_Test
Much more importantly, thanks for your replies and for the article.
You’re a very inspiring young woman. Not many have the introspection to understand their emotions. Good on you! And on that neurologist dream: GO FOR IT!
I also think it’s important to recognize that anger and anxiety and depression often go hand in hand. When people are feeling low, or “scared,” anger is often a manifestation of this.
Thank you so much! I’m so glad it was helpful.
Thank you!! And I will pursue it as far as I can; I’m very passionate about everything cognitive- how we work, think, interact, and grow. Thanks!
I so much enjoyed this article — very simple yet complex insights — I am 56 and always trying to better understand people and life — I assumed the writer was in their 40’s or 50’s — to my surprise, a very wise young woman is the author — you are very emotionally intelligent and already years ahead in your insights — as Tanya and my Dad always said — “Good on you!” — keep up the excellent work!
these blogs helps allot.
thank you
One day, in supermarket, I saw a boy who kept poking the water melons that have been cut on the freezer with his hand. Not only one but he had ruined 2 water melons. So I told him nicely to not do it.His father came and asked “what happened?” I just said “nothing… he poked the water melons”. His father grabbed his son & said with big voice: “LET IT BE…HE IS JUST A CHILD” and left.
I was blank for some minutes..Until now I still think what’s my mistake. First..I speak to the child nicely..Second, It’s not like I ask the man to be responsible by buying the ruined water melon.
Some people are just not nice naturally..
Thank you very much! I’m glad it was helpful. No matter what age you are, life is still about learning and growing- I think that’s something we tend to forget.
Of course! Thank you
Possibly the father thought you were chastising the child for nothing and getting in business that wasn’t yours. I don’t think you were wrong, and I think the man should have reacted differently, but it may have been a misunderstanding. Or he was having a bad day. I think in situations like these there is usually an alternate explanation that inherent meanness- but that is, of course, and opinion.
Nah..I thought about it too..maybe I got in business that wasn’t mine. After that one experience, somehow I have fear & refrain my self to ‘help’ strangers especially middle aged man when I see something that ideally should be corrected. Example, one day..when I was walking..I saw a middle aged man whose backpack was opened(well..I live in country where there are so many pocket robbers) I kept told my self that someone else would tell him. Some people passed by him and clearly saw his opened bag but no one told him.
I completely agree. Most negative emotions, mental illnesses, and suffering can cause outbreaks of anger or rudeness.
May I write my own personal experience?
Hi
I’m 15 years old and fucked up
Allow me to explain
I grew up wanting to be a strong person, not physically but mentally.
People leaving my life wouldn’t affect me and I’d keep living like nothing happened because getting depressed over something so stupid was ridiculous; but I was the complete opposide of that. I longed for friends and companios so I wouldn’t feel alone.
Family problems have hunted me since I was born so I wanted to overcome the negative effects those problems gave me. What did I do? After my very first heart break, my own growing problems, family issues and me moving with my mom my mind started to change. I remembered that strong independent girl I wanted to be so I tried to be her.
I froze my own heart, the only way to protect myself.
Something I’m not sure how happened is that I tend to forget feelings (yes that IS possible) I have to be constantly reminded of a feeling otherwise I’ll just forget it and the people who made me have them because, somehow, those feelings hurt me.
I have fallen in love but I was so hurt that I feel like I’ve never loved anyone.
I swear there are times when I don’t feel anything. it’s like I have no heart.
I started to say to others what I really thought about them bluntly. I’ve always admired honesty so I became an “honest” person myself.
I realized I didn’t really need people.
“Friends are temporary in your life, you will always be alone, why caring about others when you will end by yourself?”
Crying over friends? Stupid.
Ridiculous
Dumb
Laughable
I closed my heart completely, to the point I don’t hear my own heart beat when I used to do it
I became a stone girl
Since I was little I always heard this small weak voice in the back of my head which became stronger over the years. I felt like that voice was another person inside of MY own brain. I never knew which one of those was the real me, I still don’t.
I’ll write an example of what happened trough this last six months:
One of my closest friends left the school where we were studying because she was moving somewhere different in the city.
I stopped writing her
Not because I woke up thinking I wouldn’t write her
I didn’t even think about her
And when I did I would get distracted with other stuff forgetting again that friend even existed
When she told me how she felt about me being like that I tried to change because I understood what was bothering her.
Two things happened: first of all I couldn’t see the point in telling her my daily activities (which was what she wanted) so I found it extremely bothersome to find the useful thing about that so I just tried to talk to her normally about k-pop, korean dramas etc etc without getting too personal.
Second that voice in my head made me realize something.
I was always trying to understand her but who tried to understand me? Who tried to figure my heart out? No one. Everything I’d say or do was wrong in her eyes, and I got tired of that.
In the end she got tired of my attitude and asked me to never talk to her again
And I’m terribly okay with it.
One of the things that made her loose her patience was that I don’t like to go out so I would never go to any meeting (after all asking for permission is super annoying and I wouldn’t like my super paranoical mother to spend the whole day thinking her daughter might get raped and stabbed)
There are guys who have confessed to me and I tread them like shit, why? Becuase that way they’d stop having feelings for me.
I don’t want people to get too close because otherwise I’ll hurt them and break them so they must stay distant.
Thats how it works.
So now I’m ok being alone. I like to stay in my room alone, I like to walk alone. Because I know I will never be able to have any kind of relationship.
But then there are days when my head feels like exploding, when I want to cry but the tears won’t fall, when I want the hug the only friend I have left (who already told me some days ago she was reaching her limit, that moment was extremely odd for me because i actually felt like I didn’t want to lose her. I felt a bit guilty and completely stupid. But then I thought: but if she knows how I am T’was her own decision to stay so if she’s hurt it isn’t my fault), when I don’t share my comments because those will hurt someone, when I actually get shy. When someone completely different takes my body.
The wish of my life is finding myself, my likes and to be free.
For me freedom is life.
Do you have any advice for me? There are a lot of stuff I didn’t say but thats mainly what I wanted to share
Any opinions are allowed
Thank you very much
This is exactly the way I am
As soon as I start to be caring people start treating me bad and bullying me. I can’t ballance being kind and setting boundries.
I cannot offer advice but to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings. (I know you’ve probably heard that a lot) I seem to be very much like you, though I am 31. I don’t like people much, though I am very nice to others and people tend to think I’m such a nice caring person. I like to be alone, I don’t like hanging out with friends or going to any type of social function. I like to “hang out” with my husband and that I about it. I’m still surprised the universe brought together two kindred spirits like us, my husband and I. He is just the same, though less introverted and socially awkward than I am. I have a couple of close friends that also want to be around me (I have no idea why lol) and want to talk about random daily activities and I just don’t see the point in useless babble. I too feel like a lot of people just don’t understand me (except for maybe my husband) but I’ve come to realize that this is ok. I don’t know if you know anything about Vampire Masquerade, the role playing game, but as the Malkavians say…”embrace the madness.” I try to be ok with how I am because, for me, it’s not going to change. I hope you too can find a person that loves and accepts you as you are no matter how “damaged” you may feel.
I have found a lot of help with my social issues and anxiety through this tiny buddha website though so I’m glad you find this site too. I think a lot of “finding yourself” comes with age also. I know at your age and even in my 20s I didn’t know a lot about myself or what I really wanted/needed. Even now I’m learning new things about myself all the time. Just try to keep positive and don’t hate on yourself. 🙂
Sorry for the long narrative.
Beautiful post , this couldn’t have come at a better time, for a while I have just been feeling miserable about life, very angry at everyone for no reason really, just in a huge depressing state, I finally got myself to look in the mirror and self-reflect, boy was I bashing myself, I have been telling myself all types of hurtful things about myself and the funny thing is they weren’t even true , I was very angry with myself, very displeased with myself , thank you for this post.
I’m so glad it could help you get through a rough point. That’s exactly how I felt- I was criticizing myself for made up faults and beliefs. Thank you!
The story of my life and I am older than you.
I like that too love this post. I will check out manga
I think lots of people need to read posts like this. Those on the receiving end of nasty and the rude people. I am one of the most tolerable people I know, but I am intolerable of is people coming into your space, wanting your time and not having pure motives. Their intention is pre-motivated lies. And they are choosing this self presentation before their approach. It is like a person knocking at your door pretending to be collecting money for Salvation Army, yet they are there to stack out your residence. This is where I lack tolerance at the moment. And I have asked do I need to change this and I the answer is No. And the reason I write about this because I like you do wonder whether it could be depression. And I have answered no to this question as well. Just thought I’d share because sometimes you cant be affected by others peoples motives but you don’t even have to question why they are doing it because it does not matter, it is not your issue. Sometimes you have to block negative energy, not because you are afraid or need approval but because plain and simply bad energy can drain you.
I do love your article and I agree with most of it. However I do not believe that all people are inherently good. I think there are a small percentage of people who suffer from malignant narcissism or psychopathy who enjoy hurting and embarrassing people. These people you need to recognise and stay away from.
I honestly am at a loss for words… I am having the hardest day coping with these exact issues, and a war inside myself to keep being the kind me, or to be mean to protect myself from further hurt. Then this article just was there in front of me. Thank you for this.
Thank you for sharing this post, Avery. I do agree that everyone has their moments, but at the same time, their rude and disrespectful behavior can’t be justified. Instead of lashing out animosity at those who are trying to help, it’s important to show some compassion. Allow your actions to speak for itself. There’s nothing with trying to ask for help.
When I’m helping someone, I want to know their motives are behind their actions, by giving them the benefit of a doubt. What are their intentions? Are they willing to accept full responsibility for their actions, by admitting that they were wrong? If they’re thinking otherwise, I’m washing my hands.
I believe that people should treat those on how they want to be treated. Respect is a two-way street.
I was attacked verbally by a very rude person on line. It hurt me, and at the same time I was going thru a health scare. I am a cancer survivor. I stood up to the rude person, and calmly replied that her words were rude, offensive and vulgar. I felt better once I had stood up to the rude poster.Unlike, her I responded in a well mannered way, but I made my point known. Then I felt better. Maybe she has self esteem issues or something else, but as a cancer patient and cancer survivor, I have never seen the need to try to hurt someone else badly with vile words. I do not want to be surrounded by mean-spirited people. I move on to good friends and family.
PS It wasn’t on this site. This site is very well monitored. Just wanted to clarify this.
Thank you very much for the article, Avery. Very enlightening, especially as I was wondering if I am good or bad or if something’s wrong with me as I used to find everyone rude to me. I suffer from mild depression. The same symptoms, in fact, the very same symptoms you described. So, I felt empathised with while reading it. An unexpectedly great support in itself, having never had any friends and anyone to understand me.