“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” ~Henry David Thoreau
A friend of mine likes to joke that dying will be a relief because it will put an end to the “heavy burden of judging,” as she calls it. She envisions herself lying in a hospital bed and, moments before death, noticing the ceiling and thinking, “What a hideous green.”
Here’s a modest proposal: Vow that for the rest of the day, you won’t judge your friends and you won’t judge any strangers you happen to see. This would include a friend who’s a non-stop talker; it would include a friend who’s always complaining about his life. It would include the strangers you pass on the street or see in a waiting room.
I call it a modest proposal because I’m not even addressing the issue of self-judgment, let alone BP or Gaddafi. No. I’m just asking you not to judge friends or strangers.
It’s entirely possible you won’t make it past a few minutes without judging someone!
So, why not just judge away?
To answer that, let me start by drawing a distinction between judgment and discernment.
Discernment means perceiving the way things are, period.
Judgment is what we add to discernment when we make a comparison (implicit or explicit) between how things or people are and how we think they ought to be. So, in judgment, there’s an element of dissatisfaction with the way things are and a desire to have things be the way we want them to be.
Take that talkative friend. To think or speak in a neutral, purely descriptive tone, “She can talk non-stop for fifteen minutes,” is an example of discernment—assuming the assessment is accurate, we’re just describing the way things are.
On the other hand, to think or speak in a negative tone, “She can talk non-stop for fifteen minutes,” is an example of judgment because that negative tone reveals our dissatisfaction with how she is and our desire for her to be different.
The same analysis applies to the complaining friend. If we say, “He complained about this life the entire evening,” depending on our tone, it could be a neutral observation (discernment) or it could reflect our dissatisfaction with him and our desire for him to be different (a judgment).
Now think about strangers. If you’re like me, there’s almost always a subtle judgment waiting in the wings. “She could stand to lose some weight.” “Doesn’t he know how to pick a tie that goes with a shirt?”
So, again, why not just judge away? Recall that in judgment, there’s an element of dissatisfaction with the way things are and a desire to have things (in my examples: people) be the way we want them to be.
So, judgment is just a recipe for suffering: Start with our dissatisfaction over how a person happens to be and mix in our desire for them to be otherwise. To make that suffering nice and rich, be sure the desire clings tightly to the dissatisfaction!
It doesn’t mean we have to hang out with someone who talks more than we’d like or who does nothing but complains about his life. But we can make the choice about whether to be with them without judging them. When we do, it feels good; it has that peaceful quality of letting go of clinging to the way we want people to be.
As for those strangers, maybe the woman I saw has a medical condition that results in weight gain, or maybe she eats to deal with uncomfortable feelings. Perhaps the man was wearing the only tie he owns. Judging them did nothing to ease their suffering, and it certainly didn’t ease mine.
Now try this experiment. Think about a couple of friends who annoy you in some way. Can you let them be the way they are without desiring them to be otherwise? Sticking with my two examples, can you open your heart to her talkativeness or to his constant complaining?
Walt Whitman said, “I contain multitudes.” I like to think of the world as containing multitudes. I do this by consciously thinking, “This world is big enough for both the talkative and the untalkative; for both the complainers and the non-complainers.”
Judging is such a well-ingrained response that I hardly notice when I’m doing it, so I know I have a lifetime of conditioning to overcome. But it’s worth it because when I don’t judge, I feel the benefits in both my mind and my body: I feel as light as a feather.
I truly hope I can shed that heavy burden of judging before that moment in the hospital bed when I’m staring at the green ceiling!
About Toni Bernhard
Toni is the author of the Nautilus Gold Medal winning How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and their Caregivers. She can be found online at www.howtobesick.com
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I realize I judge people to much. It always feels as though it is just what I think about them, but why do I have to be negative?
Accept things, situations and people for who they are. When you try you start to accept which releases all that negative energy you keep putting out.
Hi Daniel,
That’s exactly what I was getting at in my piece, especially how we think we’re just being descriptive when, in fact, we’re judging. Thanks for reading.
Great post. I think you are talking about people I know 🙂 So true. This will be my practice for the next few weeks. Thanks for the push in the right direction.
hoo boy…i am so guilty of this…but i vow to make the attempt to give everyone a pass today…including myself…”I contain multitudes.” – Walt Whitman…man, ain’t it the truth???
Judgement is probably one of my biggest issues, I don’t think I was ever this bad but the world gets so overwhelming you find yourself getting overly opinionated. I wish I knew how to stop it.
Hi Angela,
It’s a wonderful feeling to know that my post has inspired you to practice non-judging for the next few weeks! Thanks so much.
Hi Lisa,
Thanks for reading my piece. I love that you’re giving YOURSELF a pass today too! I take that to mean that if you catch yourself judging, you won’t get down on yourself about it. You’ll just mindfully note it and try again. I’m a big fan of “Try Mind.”
Hi Robin,
Thanks for reading my piece. It is hard, that’s for sure. We can find ourselves judging even when we don’t think we are. Just think of it as a practice and when you “goof,’ smile, and start the practice again! My best to you.
One of my favorite quotes is “Be kind; everyone is fighting a hard battle.” (Generally associated with Plato.)
I try very hard to be non-judgmental or at least catch myself when it begins to happen. It is soooofreeing to let go of judgment of others…
Does this include judging people for being judgemental?
I can directly relate to the example about the complaining friend but I question your suggestion to “let it go” — I myself have a complaining friend and, after reading your article, realize that I “judge” her often for it — not because I desire for her to stop complaining, but because her constant complaining puts me in a negative state of mind and rubs off on me eventually. In this instance, isn’t my judgement a form of protection for myself for my own wel-being? Is it healthy to disregard my judgements and continue hanging out with this person so as to not desire her to be any other way?
What you suggest is wonderful. Thinking fewer judgmental thoughts helps me feel more at ease.I would like to add that expressing oneself neutrally often results in the other person getting upset. Why? Because they interpret neutral words as judgement. Perhaps they are judging themselves, and projecting that act of judging on the one who is not judging, but merely communicating.Perhaps they grew up around judgmental people, so that they have no experience receiving neutral feedback. I worked for 2 years for an organization whose manager interpreted any feedback as personal criticism. This happened weekly. It did not matter who spoke to her. It was seen as criticism. I decided to only give her feedback when her action could harm a third person. I was tired of being screamed at for less important matters.For example, the manager asked me to give a deep tissue massage to a 75 year old woman with rheumatoid arthritis, using heating and cooling products. Calmly, with a soft voice I said, I would like to review the medical information so that I don’t inadvertently harm this woman with the treatment. Could I please see her medical records?She would not retrieve the woman’s medical information in her file. I was told to start the massage anyway. I was scolded for not following her orders that were contrary to the organization’s rules, and that were contra-indicated for the health of the client.Soon after that I was fired … because she interpreted my neutral communication about a client as judgement and criticism of her.Even gentle, neutral and calm communication may have unexpected consequences. I continue to be less judgmental because I feel better, and know that it is more caring to the other person.. but it is painful to be this way in a society where projection and drama is rampant.
Acceptance is the way I deal with my judgemental-ism … I just focus on accepting what I can not change.
I wrote something similar on judging earlier this month on my blog. Didn’t think about the discernment aspect of things. Rather interesting viewpoint.
Excellent thoughts, Toni, about discernment vs judgement. I’ve been working on my judgementalism for a while. I’ve found a good path for myself, and maybe it will help others to mention it here. You’d probably call it discerning the positive rather than the negative. As a transition method from being judgemental to ridding myself of it entirely, I decided to make myself jump to good thoughts / judgements instead. For example, I’m sitting in my car, stopped at a stoplight, a pedestrian walks across in front of me, I start thinking stuff like, Geez she could have at least combed her hair today…. Now I catch myself “at it” (that’s the first big step, learning to catch ourselves!), then I switch to looking for something good about her, like, Wow, what a wonderful color her hair is! (or maybe something complimentary about what she’s wearing, etc). Now, if I have to judge, at least it’s a kinder judgement, positive rather than negative.
So that’s where I am — in transition. This has done more than help me to start eliminating my judgementalism. It’s also got me observing more details about people (not just the first annoying thing), directing myself toward the positive much more often. I’m also feeling much less bugged by people and events. Like, who needs to spend even a second being bugged by what a stranger says, does, wears, whatever, anyway, right?!! What a waste of energy, when we could be putting good energies out there.
So how to stop judging?
Is it just a conscious effort that we have to put in, it is not easy, especially when you have been judging and its been part of you, without your knowing.
Hi Naga,
No, it’s not easy because we have to overcome a lifetime of conditioning. Mindfulness practice helps (either in meditation or outside of meditation) because then we’re more likely to identify the thoughts that arise in the mind and then we can (non-judgmentally of course) let them go. Thanks for reading the piece. Warmly, Toni
Hi Erin,
Yup. It includes NOT judging people for being judgmental. After all, like us, they’ve been conditioned to judge. Until they see that, they’re not likely to change. All we can do is have compassion for them (as well as for ourselves as we work on this non-judgning practice and come up short now and then!). Thanks for reading the piece. Warmly, Toni
Hi. I’m glad you liked the discernment point — distinguishing judgment from discernment. Thanks for reading the piece. Warmly, Toni
Alexandra – I’m with you 100% on that one! Thanks for reading my piece and leaving this helpful comment. Warmly, Toni
Hi Kate – I love your practice. It’s similar to metta practice as I learned it from the wonderful teacher, Sylvia Boorstein. She teaches exactly what you’re doing — when you catch yourself judging, turn it into a metta moment. Sylvia translates metta as “friendliness” rather than the more common “lovingkindness.” I think her translation works well with your practice. You’ve just inspired me! Thanks so much for reading my piece and commenting. Warmly, Toni
Hi. Your story is fascinating — how responding neutrally is often taken as a negative judgment by others. Perhaps it just reflects how sensitive all of us are to being judged. We think it’s happening to us when it’s not. I love that you just plain feel better when you’re not judgmental. Me too. Thanks for the comment on my piece. Warmly, Toni
Hi Liane. Yes, I know that saying and it is attributed to Plato. It’s a wonderfully inspiring quote. Thanks for sharing it. Yes, it is sooo freeing not to judge. Thanks for reading my piece and for your comment on it. Warmly, Toni
This is a tough situation. I suggest in my piece to “let go” because it’s hard to change others and so continuing to judge a person you cannot change only increases your own suffering. But if she’s a close friend, perhaps you talk to her about how her constant complaining affects your own mood and that it’s very hard for you as a result. If she doesn’t change, I can only speak personally if I were in that situation and that is that I’d try to feel compassion for her suffering — her constant complaining only makes her suffer. So, I recommend compassion over judgment. All my best, Toni
This is a very helpful article in my journey to stop judging others and eventually stop judging myself. I know that judging is usually derived from something negative within ourselves.I do question though, is it completely wrong to judge ? are there instances when judging is okay? Can judgement create change and eventually turn into something positive? Maybe I do not fully understand the art of being non-judgemental. In that case, I would love to fully understand.
Thank you kindly for your help.
I think to some extent, it’s a matter of how we define the words. Judging, as I’m using it, involves this sense of “I’m better than you” (or “You’re better than me”) which only increases everyone’s suffering. Contrast that with what might be called an “assessment” in which we analyze a situation or a person without putting ourselves “above” or “below” another and, based on that assessment, decide to take action — action that will not increase suffering for either party. I hope this is helpful. Thanks for reading and for commenting. Warmly, Toni
I think this is an excellent practice in “positive judging”. I also felt like when I was reading the article that, for me discernment can lead to judgement out of concern and that the judgement is more about trying to find a way to help a friend. But, when I think about that, it is presumptuous that my friend would want my help or that I think they need it. But, my “judgement” is seeded in love for my friend. Is this still judgement?
So I was wondering (aimlessly… :D) while reading this comment if you could judge everyone and everything as completely worthless scum.. but equally. No scum being above or below any other scum. I found that you can’t have the concept of worthless without the concept of worth, so yeah. There’s always a comparison going on.
Hmm. I guess as a Buddhist, I don’t think of anyone as completely worthless scum, so it’s hard for me to respond to that part of your comment. You’re right, there’s always this comparison going on though because we have to use words to communicate. Maybe that’s why Zen masters just thwack their students with a stick to wake them up 🙂
Hi Hilary,
I think we can tangled up in our use of language (at least I can). We have to use words to communicate but they are subject to so many different meanings and interpretations. When you’re acting out of concern to help a friend, I see that as compassionate action (action to reduce suffering) and I think it can be done non-judgmentally. Your ability to see that the friend needs help comes under the category of discernment to me, not judgment in that you’re just assessing “the way things are.”
I have a question…can anyone describe to me the reason why people become so judgemental. I have a person in my life who behaves exactly in the way that was described in the article above. She only sees the flaws in people in both their actions and appearances. She is extremly critical of everybody including both strangers and her family. She is always right and everyone else is always wrong. Everyone must do the things and make the choices that she deems correct or she will make you feel like you don’t know what you are talking about and you are wrong. Those choices can be anything from something as ridiculous as you are buying the wrong brand name canned fruits, picking the wrong color to paint a room in your house, picking the wrong colored flowers to plant around your house, to what kind of toothpaste I should buy. She will sound her displeasure to your decision or idea in a disappointing sigh that says “Go ahead and make that choice but it is wrong, I know best”, Most times I will change my decision and do what she wants me to do just because if I don’t, I feel too bad about the decisions that I make. Sounds all pretty crazy doesn’t it? Bottom line is if I say its black, she says its white and if I say it is white she says it is black. It seems no matter what decision I make about anything she will say the opposite just so she can be right and make me feel wrong. And then if you don’t aggree with her and do things her way she will make you feel bad and then make you feel like you are hurting her. As a result for the most part I have to do things her way just to keep the peace between us. My whole house is basically decorated her way because she makes me feel like I can’t do anything right and then I have to do things her way because if I don’t, the price I have to pay emotionally for not doing things her way is just too great. It is driving me crazy. I have been trying to cope with this for years but it is still hard to deal with. Maybe if someone could tell me the reasons for this behavior it could help me try to deal with this. I have thought about going to counseling just so I can learn sme coping skills to live with this in my life. She is also very mean to people out in public and I find myself constantly having to be extra nice to people to make up for her rudeness and her hostility. Its really beginning to wear me down. Any advice or explanations for her behavior? Thanks!
Hi Toni, I just wrote the question to you above and wanted to add something. I found your article from a friend on facebook who had posted it. I am a bit new to using the computor and didn’t realize that I should have just directed my question towards you. I am new at writting on these blogs. I just jumped right away on this one because it hit so close to home and I am looking for answers. Do you have any particular books that you have written that would be helpful for me to read inorder to deal with my problem of having someone extremely judgmental in my life? Thank you so much!!!
Hello Jhnottingham. I can’t tell you why your friend is so judgmental. It could be a behavior she learned as a child which means she’s deeply conditioned to be that way and unless she wants to change, she’s likely to stay the same no matter what you do. We can’t easily change the way others behave. We can learn to cultivate compassion for them (imagine how much she’s suffering to be so judgmental) and we can be sure we’re taking good care of ourselves by protecting ourselves from any abuse from them.
I’ve written a book called “How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and their Caregivers.” It was written for those dealing with illness or other medical problems but many people who are healthy tell me they love it too because illness can serve as a metaphor for the suffering that’s a component of everyone’s life (the basis of the Buddha’s first noble truth). There’s a lot in the book about handling difficult people in our lives. I can’t say if it’s the right book for you if you don’t have any health issues. I just know that people, healthy or not, are benefitting from it.
You could look at the Amazon link for it and read what people have said and see if it looks right for you. It’s the only book I’ve written which is why, since you asked if I’ve written a book that would be helpful, it’s the one I’m describing. Here’s the link: http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Sick-Chronically-Caregivers/dp/0861716264
Warmest wishes,
Toni
http://www.howtobesick.com
Hi Toni, You are so very kind to have responded so quickly to my question. Just what you have written in your first paragragh has given me a lot to think about. And thank you for the suggestion of your book “How to Be Sick”. I feel that it will give me a lot of insite into many different issues. I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome about three years ago after ruling out many other possibilities. It is the only conclusion my Doctor could finally arrive at. I am currently trying to overcome it everyday through diet and exercise. Now I am thinking that maybe just a good dose of “helpful information” will guide and help me to deal with certain pressures in my life. Thank you very much! I am anxious to read your book!
Hi Toni, You are so very kind to have responded so quickly to my question. Just what you have written in your first paragragh has given me a lot to think about. And thank you for the suggestion of your book “How to Be Sick”. I feel that it will give me a lot of insite into many different issues. I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome about three years ago after ruling out many other possibilities. It is the only conclusion my Doctor could finally arrive at. I am currently trying to overcome it everyday through diet and exercise. Now I am thinking that maybe just a good dose of “helpful information” will guide and help me to deal with certain pressures in my life. Thank you very much! I am anxious to read your book!
Hi again. I thought you’d like to know that I have the same diagnosis. Many people who read the book feel like they’re reading about their own life. I hope you’re doing well with your diet and exercise program. All the best, Toni
Wow! This topic generated a lot of discussion. I’m a “recovering” judge. I became aware via a 12-step program that not only am I judgemental, but i am also overly concerned about people judging me. It is not a good place to be. I’m learning to like myself and not worry about what other people think and at the same time accept people for the way they are. People who take comments, even compliments wrong are not viewing life with a clear lense. Their perspective is warped. “I like your new hair cut” may mean “your hair looked like crap last week, I’m glad you did something about it”.
Hi J, Your post hit home with me. I have a sister like that. She is knowledgeable on a lot of subjects and very opinionated and quite frankly, she likes to argue, likes to see what kind of reaction she can get out of people. She informed me just last week that what most of us call “geraniums” are not TRUE geraniums, their scientific name is pelargonium… ” and went into quite detail about what a TRUE geraniume was, etc. etc. I have discovered that part of the problem is ME! I worry about what people think WAY TOO MUCH. I posted earler that I am a “recovering” judge and part of that is worrying about what people think! The old me would have felt that her comments were an insult to my intelligence or “boy she must think I’m really stupid”. I used to get really defensive and defend my position. The old me might have said to her, “Really, well who cares. People know what I’m talking about when I call it a geranium. Nobody knows what a pelargonium is.” Whenever I feel judged now, I try to reframe the comment or discussion, or look at it from another perspective. My reply to our discussion last week? “Hmmmmm. That’s interesting. I didn’t know that.” End of subject. I haven’t given it another thought until now. I think you need to ask yourself, “Why do i care so much what she thinks? Why am I doing things to try to please her?” I can see that you are in pain over this. I wish you the best.
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I LOVE your description of yourself as a “recovering” judge. It belongs in my piece! Thanks for reading and leaving this helpful comment. I, too, tend to be overly concerned about others judging me. Oddly enough, becoming chronically ill has helped with that (as I write about in my book). I’ve learned to accept how I am and if other’s can’t I see it as their problem not mine and I work on cultivating compassion for them. Warmest wishes, Toni
I remember the old saying: judge and be judged. I recall from my past experience I tried in many cases to influence the third party by passing my judgement about a certain person, not knowing that the third party was also judging me by the way I behaved. It was only later on that I found out instead of getting the third party to be sided with me, I was actually exposing my weaknesses to them and got them to make their own judgement about me. My life lesson is: if I love some one, I accept him/her as they are; if I don’t love them, don’t let them affect me, save my breath.
Thanks for reading and commenting on my piece. What you say reminds me of a practice I read about in which you vow not to talk about a person if he or she is not present in the room. I recall going to work one day (this was before I got sick and had to leave my profession) and vowing to do just that (assuming the “talk” was not work-related). It was really hard to do. For some odd reason, two people seem to bond by criticizing a third one who isn’t there. This is a different gloss on what you’re talking about but gives hopefully gives us more to think about as we try to be mindful of our tendency to judge. Warmest wishes, Toni
Thank you for this great article! I practiced non-judgment of myself and others for 1 week and it was so amazing. First of all, I had so many fears and emotions come up – I was totally surprised. Second of all I felt amazing! It’s incredible how much energy gets drained from us when we judge. I felt so light, happy and full of life. I’ve recently slipped back to my old ways… but this has inspired me to refocus again.
Thanks!
Alycia Hall
Thanks so much for reading the piece and leaving this comment Alycia. I think it will inspire others to join you in practicing non-judment. I agree that judging just eats up our energy. As a chronically ill person, I need to save all the energy I can! Warmest wishes, Toni
I am very judgemental and have been working on that aspect of my personality for years now (it’s a life-long habit and very tough to break!). I grew up with a very critical father so from the time I learned to talk, the language I was most familiar with was often harsh and judgemental. I also was very non-conformist and I have stood out like a sore thumb my whole life so I have been judged constantly by others who were uncomfortable by my lack of desire to fit in. The fact that I was judged so frequently definitely added to my desire to judge others and I first had to get over my anger/bitterness at how I was treated in the past before I could start working on my habit of judging others. It’s a complicated cycle!
One thing I’ve had a really tough time with involves a close friend I work with. From time to time, she will say some racist and bigoted things. I have tried to tell her that’s not okay, but really she doesn’t listen/care and that’s what she knows and how she was brought up so her opinions and vocabulary aren’t going to change. She says she’s sick of having to be “politically correct” and I have not found a way to effectively communicate with her about those issues so I tend to just change the subject as quickly as I can. This isn’t *quite* a judgement, but obviously I want her to change and I am having a hard time appreciating the good person she truly is while the ignorance is blatantly there regarding certain issues. I have a hard time not judging her for that aspect of her personality/beliefs when I feel so strongly that it is wrong.
Thanks for reading the piece. I bristled myself when you said your close friend makes racist and bigoted statements. To me, that’s not a issue of political correctness but of treating a group of people as inferior because of some physical trait they have. Personally, I could not continue to be friends with someone who was racist if my attempts to change their view of others failed. I would break of the friendship, trying to keep a non-judgmental attitude toward them as much as possible. It would be a challenge, but I’d try. Your situation is more problematic because you work with her and so I don’t know if you have the choice to not “hang out” with her or if your job would be negatively impacted by cutting off the relationship. There’s nothing wrong with breaking off a friendship. It’s our reaction to that action that matters. Can we do it without judgment? Can we feel compassion for a person who is suffering so much that she has to elevate herself above those of another race? Tough challenges indeed. Warmest wishes, Toni
I respectfully disagree with you. I think it is OK to judge/have an opinion about others/oneself, and to use that opinion to improve the lives of oneself/others (provided we/they are receptive/willing/open). For example, the line outside Motor Vehicles Inspection stations are long on the last day of the month because people are procrastinators (they could have gotten the inspection done weeks/months ago). Yes, I just judged them. I called them procrastinators. But what’s great about that judgment/opinion is the fact that I can now decide (a) to not procrastinate myself, and (b) to change my life situation (e.g. hire someone to run errands like inspections for me rather than my wasting time on mundane stuff). Without judging and labeling them as “procrastinators” I would not realize that in myself and I would not improve/advance in my life. I’m not trying to change them (that’s up to them to realize their habits). I’m just using my opinion of them to change me. This is just one example. I have hundreds more …
P.S. Even the holy scriptures/books/gurus (Bible, Buddha, Quran, Gita etc.) say that we should judge. It is the misinterpretation/misrepresentation of those readings by people (priests, modern-day gurus etc.) who want to make us feel guilty for who we are that say that we should not judge. Baloney I say. We all judge. If you vote, you’re judging. If you marry, you’re judging. So to say “don’t judge” is wrong.
P.P.S.: There is also such a thing as positive judging. Learn from those you admire (e.g. role models). Never aspire to be exactly like anyone else (that’s impossible anyway), but see what you like/admire in others and try to incorporate those traits/habits into your own life. And learn from others bad habits and mistakes as well. That’s what history lessons are for.
Bottom line: Judge away. But don’t let it bug/bother you. If the inspection line is long, see how you can use a lesson from that experience to improve your life in not just automobile inspections, but in other areas as well.
[Yes, I realize that as you read this, some of you are already judging me. And isn’t that the purpose of a discussion group/board? I have no problems with a discussion. So let’s discuss. If you can prove me wrong — based on your judgment/opinion — I have no problems with that. In fact, I welcome that. I am always willing to learn and grow and change and try new things. All I can say is … I have tried the “no judgment” thing and it does not work for me because God gave me a brain that allows me to make choices based on my judgment/opinion of them (e.g. it was stupid of me to smoke in my 20’s; it does not make me a bad person; just stupid and lazy to change and giving in to temptations/habits; and I think those who smoke today are stupid; I’m just glad I’m no longer stupid in that regard; I’m just stupid in other ways; but I’m also very smart in many other ways; how’s that for judging?) If I don’t make those observations/judgment calls, there is no way I can change/improve/grow.]
Finally, if you think judging others is bad, well you just judged judging. 🙂
Every moment, every perception, is an invitation to love yourself and others more.
This post came to me at a good time. I am currently dealing with some family/personal issues where we are butting heads, and I am getting more and more upset as time has been passing. Finally I snapped, and said some very mean things, based on my judgements of them and what they were doing.
I think this article is helping re-evaluate my thoughts about the situation, and by trying not to judge them, which will be hard, will help me be more at peace with the situation. Plus it will help me make some needed changes and to calmly tell them how I feel would benefit me and hopefully the situation. Like you said we have a life time of conditioning of judging people and we can get caught up in the cycle of it all.
I am a tad late to the party, but, hey, I’m here. Hopefully I can clarify some ideas here. Judging isn’t simply seeing people in line and labeling them as procrastinators, it’s going a step further–beyond the observation–to deciding that procrastination is bad and maybe that people who procrastinate are themselves bad. I won’t say judging is bad, just that it isn’t useful and can (and often does) have unpleasant side-effects. So, in an effort to avoid unnecessary unpleasantries, one might dive into their realm of control and forgo making judgments. You are perfectly right in observing others and using those observations to make life more enjoyable for yourself. You say, “Judge away. But don’t let it bug/bother you,” and I say, if it isn’t bugging/bothering you, then you aren’t really judging. Judgment arises from discomfort when one encounters something/someone who is different from their and one to change that person/thing to fit their original , However, if we let go of our desires and expectations, judging may not come about in the first place, and yet, you can continue to make observations and grow! Isn’t it magnificent?!
Another way of thinking about it: Science is arguably neutral. This neutral subject is rooted in the scientific method. This method of observation, hypothesis, experimentation, and reflection is also arguably neutral. Let’s pretend we’re scientists, whenever a scientist makes an observation (1:the line at the vehicle inspection station is rather lengthy 2: it is the last day of the month) , they come up with a hypothesis (everyone here could have come earlier, but they did not, therefore, this line consists entirely of people who procrastinate and if I want to avoid a long line in the future it would serve me well to not join in on the procrastination), they experiment (I go to the vehicle inspection station earlier in the month the next year) and finally, they reflect (when I went earlier, the line was reasonable, so, to avoid the longer lines, it would serve me best to not procrastinate). Although some thoughts and actions taken may have been flawed, they were completely neutral.
Hope this brings some clarity.
It is what is
Love & Peace