“We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men.” ~Herman Melville
I grew up with a faith that encouraged personal sacrifice for others. Putting myself before others or desiring what they lacked was sinful. So there I was, during my teenage years, trying to be a saint, completely unselfish when thinking or interacting with others.
I must admit that I was always in the equation.
If I gave advice to others, I did it for them but also for the good feeling of improving their lives. If I helped someone else solve their math problems, I did it for that person, but also because I enjoyed the new perspectives gained through teaching, and so on.
Guilty Self-Centered
I realized that whenever I was about to help others, I anticipated the benefit I was about to receive, whether it was a good feeling, some sort of recognition, more consideration, or leadership experience. And I wanted that repressed benefit.
But at that time, being centered on me, even slightly, was not good. That was sinful.
So I kept trying to remove my desire to receive before I was about to give. I felt guilty, hiding my self-interests.
I wanted to care for others, but I was hardly innocently others-centered.
Something was missing.
I knew deeply in my heart that things should not be that way, that desiring gains for myself was a good thing. I felt this was a legitimate need.
Helping myself and helping others appeared to not be mutually exclusive.
The Dangers of Being Solely Others-Centered
The mother who stays up late at night is not purely baby-centered; she has love and affection needs she is fulfilling for herself.
This post can’t be purely centered on you because if you don’t give me feedback (positive or negative), I won’t be able to improve my weak points or bring more of what you liked it. If I get these gains for me, you get more of my writing. The improvement of the teacher improves the student, and vice versa.
Many parents killed their children and themselves when they didn’t secure their own oxygen mask first in flight emergencies. That’s why the aviation authorities recommend, “If you travel with someone who needs assistance, secure your own mask first, before assisting the other.”
An act of self-interest is actually the condition of being able to care for others.
You can’t help others from a weak condition. Your “weakest you” weakens others. Your “strongest you” strengthen others.
We can’t sacrifice ourselves in the name of others because in doing so, we hurt ourselves and them.
When I realized that my well-being was linked to the well-being of others, that caring about myself was caring about others, I felt liberated and more capable of helping others.
I think this is conscious selfishness.
If your choices help only others but not you, then you are doing us all a disservice, since you are helping us from an underdeveloped state of being. The more you weaken physically, financially, emotionally, the less you can care for others in these areas.
Being Self-Centered at Times Helps Others
The more you help yourself get stronger, the more you can help the weakest.
The more you help yourself get happier, the more you can help the saddest.
The more you help yourself get relaxed, the more you can help the most stressed.
The more you help yourself get wealthier, the more you can help the poorest.
And if you become far stronger/happier/healthier/wealthier than the average, then the more people you will be able to help in the world.
Find the ways your strength would help others. Reading a math book could make you wiser for your children; going to the movie theater could relax you so you will bring higher vibes to your home.
You can’t help others from a weakest position. An ill person can’t help us to be healthier; a hungry person can’t feed others.
Be at peace with yourself when you are well-intentioned selfish.
You might be thinking: Should I do things for myself only when that helps others? Does all this mean that I can’t do things just for myself anymore?
I enjoy eating ice cream without remotely being aware how my pleasure helps others. I keep doing what feels good for my senses and my being.
Maybe doing things for ourselves feels so good because at the end, even if we don’t perceive it, our happiness helps others.
Let’s celebrate that each one of us is so important for all of us. We are one!
Photo by Kyle Garrity
About John Franco
John believes our suffering and ecological and social destruction derive from a fragmented and human-only view of existence. He can help you experience, intellectually and physically, the interconnectedness of life, so you spontaneously change your relationship to existence, develop eyes to see what's real, and let unfold a conscious world. Know the Power of Wholeness at www.duoRymbo.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Awesome, post
I think people get self centered and self awareness confused. What you’re talking about is being aware of who you are and what you need *in order* to be there for others…. its this last part that often gets lost. People *do for themselves* and only for themselves. Thinking that this is the true way to happiness and fulfillment. With no sense of community or responsibility to those in their world, to assist or at the least monitor how their actions may negatively affect the well being of neighbors. All while in their self centered pursuit, of *being themselves.* I agree at a certain level others opinions of you does not really matter. However, the opinions of those we *choose* to keep close in our lives, our influence in their life, and who we are to these people and their opinions of us certainly do matter. I worry when I see post like this because immature people may take it as validation to disregard their responsibility to others and live truly self centered, simply for themselves. Not with intention of making themselves full, in order to be in a position to give some of that away while still feeling whole.
I totally agree with Chad here. Being aware of what our minds and body needs is not being “self centered,” it’s an act of being conscious of what we need and not necessarily what we want. Taking care of the self is not done with an entirely selfish mindset– we do it so we are recharged and able to take care of others.
This was a good read; however, I had a small issue with the
term “self-centered.” Self-centered is defined as concerned solely or
chiefly with one’s own interests, welfare, etc.; engrossed in self;
selfish; egotistical. To be self-aware is defined as mindful
knowledge of personal behaviors, habits, needs, etc. I think you meant to
describe the latter which is not entirely selfish. I like that you mention we
need to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others to put out our
strongest selves. Thanks for the read.
Lovely perception, thanks!
I think he used the term “self-centered” to relate to those who grew up in the same situation as him, which a lot of Americans have, including myself. We mistake being concious of ourselves with being self centered. I think he did a good job pointing out that it’s actually not being self focused but others focused in the end. 🙂
Your “weakest you” weakens others. Your “strongest you” strengthen others.
That really resonates. You can’t shine happiness on others if you’re not happy yourself. An absolutely wonderful read, that will be shared. Thanks, John!
Thanks for presenting your ideas Mariel. Here ‘self-centered’ means exactly being focused on you, whether is egotistical or for the good of others. When I focused on myself in my early life (unaware I was helping others), I felt Egotistical but I was doing good to others (I was self-centered); if I would have been consciously self-centered to help others (I would be focusing on me, so still being self-centered).
The point is that focusing on your wellbeing wont hurt anybody. It will help everybody because we are connected.
This is true even if you are happy in the middle of others’ poverty. Or do you think being sad will make the poor better?
I didn’t cover here the ‘go to hell you all’ mentality of some people. But for those who think on being good despite the situation of others, they are affecting also our wellbeing. Or do you think an angry neighbor is better than a happy one? Uncaring people don’t hurt anybody by being better.
The problem is when people hurt/kill others for being OK. I think no such psychotic/unbalanced will be reading Tiny Buddha ;).
Trolls fall into the unbalanced category, since they are deriving pleasure through hurting others. Trolls with remorse are not trolls at all because they are connected to your pain and so your pain hurts them
I see where you are coming from which is totally understandable, but I don’t really see how that is the point he was trying to make. He basically showed that it’s ok to be self-focused when need be. We need to take care of ourselves before we are able to focus on others and help them in the way they should be helped. I think I was just bothered by the term “self-centered” where I feel a better choice of words could have been used for what he was writing about.
I totally see what you mean. I guess I just felt the term “self-centered” could have been replaced with a better choice of words; however, that is simply my opinion and either way it works to get your point across (which I absolutely enjoyed reading). Thank you
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Why do I feel the need to be the centre of all at work & find it difficult to let go…what am I trying to prove & to whom. I am recognised for my abilities at work but why to I still feel the need to do it all & more (@@ the cost of my personal time) & control. I am feeling stuck in this situation. Any wise thoughts welcome.
Hey Gin, there could be a number of reasons for this…’the need to do it all & more…’ I know a number of people who have similar issues due to self-esteem/self-worth issues that were rooted usually from certain experiences from childhood &/or adolescence. See if you can recall specific people/situations that usually trigger you to be in such situations…. Also, remember that many of us struggle with the helplessness of not feeling in CONTROL & things just happening to us…so, realize that we are all a work in progress; it will take time…but that realization in itself can be a way of ‘Letting Go.’ Hope this was helpful in some way…:-).
I love this article and immediately send it to my friends individual accounts in fb and emails. This really corrects the notion of being selfless is much appreciated than being self-centered individual, which is not. Be in your STRONGEST SELVES to STRENGTHEN OTHERS. Thank you for this amazing article 🙂
Maybe the word is ” Self caring ” instead of Self centered.