“Don’t force yourself to fit where you don’t belong.” ~Unknown
When I was young, I was a real daddy’s girl. He was so proud of me and took me everywhere with him.
When my parents got divorced and my dad moved away to start a new life with a new family, I didn’t understand why he left, as I was still a child. I thought that he didn’t love me anymore. I felt abandoned and rejected. Perhaps if I’d been better behaved, prettier, cleverer then he wouldn’t have left me?
Until recently, I didn’t realize the impact that this has had on my adult relationships.
Because I fear abandonment and rejection, I’ve struggled to fit in and make friends.
I had a relationship with an older man who was very similar to my dad. I hoped that he would provide me with the love and affection that I didn’t get from my father and would heal my wounds. However, while things started off great and I thought I had found the one, since the relationship felt like home and was so familiar, he was actually emotionally unavailable, just like my dad, and unable to commit.
When he started to pull away, this triggered my insecurity. This caused me to pursue him more, as I desperately wanted this relationship work.
I tried to change myself into what I thought he wanted. I became clingy and jealous, which only drove him further away. When the relationship finally ended and he found someone else, I couldn’t understand why he could love her but not me. What was wrong with me? It confirmed my greatest fear, that I was unlovable and unwanted.
This pattern continued to follow me in my relationships, which left me feeling more unloved and rejected.
So I threw myself into my career. I had done well academically, however, I struggled to fit in and make friends there too.
I was good at my job, but I didn’t feel valued or appreciated and I was often ignored, excluded, and ostracized by my fellow team members. My workplace became a toxic environment. I was bullied, which led to anxiety and depression, and I couldn’t face going into work. Eventually I was let go, as they said I could no longer do my job.
Since my identity was tied up with being a successful career woman, when I no longer had a career, I didn’t know who I was. What was my purpose in life now? I was at the halfway stage of my life with no family of my own and no job. I took everything that other people had said and done to me very personally.
I shut myself away at home. I didn’t go out or socialize. I was on medication for anxiety and depression, and I just wanted to stay in bed. What was the point of getting up? I was worthless, I had no value, no one wanted me, I didn’t fit in anywhere. I couldn’t love myself, as others didn’t love me. I had no self-esteem and no confidence to try to start again.
I had therapy, read lots of self-help books and articles, and did guided meditations. Although I could relate to everything, I struggled to apply the things I had learned to myself.
As I spent time alone, listening to relaxing music, I had a lightbulb moment. I couldn’t see straight before then because I was so emotional. However, I am naturally a very logical and analytical person, and good at solving problems, which is why I was good at my job.
The idea came to me that if I took the emotions out of my issues, then I could see them in a logical and rational way and try to solve them like any other puzzle.
And then I thought, what if I saw my whole life as a jigsaw puzzle? It’s a perfect analogy, really, since my lifelong struggle has been fitting in.
Visualizing Our Lives as Jigsaw Puzzles
Each of us start with just one piece—ourselves.
When we start the puzzle at birth, it is easiest to join the first two pieces together—ourselves and our family.
As we grow up, we try to find other pieces that fit—friends, romantic relationships, jobs. We may be lucky and find other pieces that fit perfectly straight away, but more often than not we struggle to find the right pieces, and in our frustration, we may even try to force two pieces together that don’t actually fit. However, if we do this, we find over time that none of the other pieces seem to work together.
No matter how much time we have already invested in this ill-fitting piece—be it an unhealthy relationship or a job that doesn’t align with our purpose and values—we will eventually realize that we have to accept reality and remove the piece that we tried to force to work. This is the only way to make room for a new piece that will fit perfectly into place. A piece we won’t even try to find if we’re too attached to the one that doesn’t fit.
This doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us, or the other piece we tried to force to fit, which means we don’t need to blame ourselves or them. We simply need to recognize we don’t fit together, and then learn the lessons we need to learn to stop repeating the same patterns.
This also doesn’t mean that we made a mistake with the ill-fitting piece. Every time we try to make the “wrong” things fit, we learn the value of taking our time to find the right piece.
Sometimes we learn that we need to focus on another area of the puzzle first—if, for example, we realize we need to take a break from relationships so we can build up our self-esteem and learn to love ourselves first.
And sometimes when we’re having difficulty with one section of the puzzle, like love, we recognize that we need to focus on a different area instead, where it might be easier to find the right pieces—like our career or social life, for example.
When we connect with like-minded people who have similar hobbies or interests and enjoy our company, we feel better about ourselves and start to realize how great we truly are.
If we change jobs to something we love, that shows off our strengths and enables us to succeed, this improves our confidence and helps us realize that we’re good enough and we do add value.
Once we become happier with ourselves and other areas of our life, we’ll send out more positive vibes into the world and attract the right kind of people. And we’ll have enough self-worth to recognize people who are not right for us and not waste our time.
If we don’t do these things, we may complete the puzzle, with all the elements of our life neatly in place and find that we have a piece left over. That piece is you or me, and it doesn’t fit because it was in the wrong box and never meant for this puzzle.
That was why we struggled to fit in—we chose things in all areas of our lives that were never right for us. So the problem wasn’t us, it was where we trying to force ourselves to fit.
It may feel daunting to start over, but when we find the right puzzle we belong to, everything stops feeling like a struggle because we slot easily into place. We will end up with a different picture than we originally imagined, but it will feel much better, because our piece will finally fit.
Where Am I Now?
After spending half my life struggling to fit in and complete my jigsaw puzzle, I have realized that I am the piece left over, and it’s now time to start again and find the right puzzle that I belong to. This time, I’m starting with the most foundational pieces first—self-love, self-confidence, self-worth.
There was never anything wrong with me. I just needed to recognize my patterns so I could stop trying to force things that weren’t right. I know my pieces are out there. And so long as I let go of the wrong ones, I know, in time, I’ll find them.
About Sally
Sally is trying to find her way in life, learn from her experiences and hopes that by sharing her story, she can help others too.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
LOL well heck, the first section has me crying. I shouldn’t laugh at my emotional reaction, I just didn’t expect that over my coffee this morning. Thank you for writing this big time! I’ll keep working on stepping back to see the bigger picture and find my ACTUAL fit here. Cheers! <3
Thank you for your timely article. I am also looking for my tribe. Wishing you Devine Guidance, love and light. Stay in peace with love.
Hi Sally, thank you for sharing your thoughts! Have you tried speaking to your father about this? Not everyone has that opportunity to change their understanding of that initial trauma. If you’re still in contact it could be helpful on the road to healing.
Thanks for sharing your story Sally. As an involuntarily childless woman, I can relate to not fitting into the global (family) narrative. We live in a pronatalist society. Appreciate you.
good one Sally. I got more interested when I read the line “maybe we didn’t fit because we were in the wrong box”.. take care
That is exactly what I was going through past year before I quit my job and ended a dead end relationship… I’ve come so for but my body was literally trying to take me out if I wouldn’t pause and take a deep look at where I was in life. From the outside I had everything but from the inside I was miserable. Now I have basically nothing and I’m opening a business from scratch… but I have never been happier in my life,
Beautiful and touching. I needed to read this today. Thank you.
Hi Sally,
Thank you for posting this, it’s something I really need at this moment, and I believe for some others too.
Hope you know that you are worthy – cause you’ve made others feel worthy as well! Oftentimes I also do not feel fit in then end up blaming myself as of why I don’t fit – which makes matters worse. Now I just try to connect to people who I think still care for me or get new acquaintances – hoping to find like-minded people and stay cool with rejections.
Wishing you the best on your journey!
The allegory makes sense…. but when you set all your energy on the one piece for years and realize it doesn’t fit and you destroyed the connections, it’s better to give up the puzzle altogether. At least for me.
Thank you for the article. It has encouraged me to look at my own need to belong. Maybe I just need to belong or be true to myself before enlarging my circle.
Hi Sally,
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences and starting a good dialogue amongst like minded people. I am definitely one of those people who sees everybody else as having their shit together and knowing what they like, love, whatever. I don’t trust myself enough to dive into anything. I sit on the proverbial ‘side of the pool’ watching everybody else have the time of their life, feeling paralyzed. If I do make decisions, I feel overwhelmed and anxious and critical of myself and others. It’s all mental and it sucks. I go from feeling ok about myself but if I mess up on my diet, overeat, sleep late, whatever..then I beat myself up and think what a horrible disgusting person I am. These feelings definitely prevent me from having healthy normal relationships with other people. I feel like I always have to be in control and struggle with just being present. Thanks again for opening the chat. I hope everyone continues on the healing path.
Sally , thank you for sharing your story. It really resonated with me as there are many parallels with my situation. I also have spent a lifetime trying to fit in and your comment about finding the right puzzle has given me a some hope for the future.
Thank you for your story and I can relate to the spare jigsaw puzzle piece that doesn’t fit. I keep trying to fit my last piece in a jigsaw puzzle where it doesn’t belong. I keep trying to force it but it won’t fit. I need to take my jigsaw puzzle piece (myself) and start again with a new jigsaw puzzle, even though this is painful and hard to do it’s for the best.
Thank you for your comments, I didn’t want to make you cry but I’m pleased that you found this helpful. I’m so glad I came across this site as I think a lot of people here have very similar issues, I know that I could identify with many of them, which is the only reason I felt brave enough to open up and share my story. So I think I have found some of the missing pieces of my jigsaw puzzle here, by surrounding myself with like minded people and realising we are not alone in our struggles.
Hi Helena,
Thanks for your comments. I didn’t reject my dad, we do have a relationship now, but obviously not as close as if he’d been in my life. Also therapy helped me to realise why I kept going out with unavailable men when I was younger. I am not healed as I am currently suffering from anxiety and depression due to bullying at work and them then letting me go and I am still having therapy and medication. I have lots of issues that I am trying to work through and this is the first article I have ever written, as I found other people’s articles on Tiny Buddha really helpful. I wanted to be brave enough to open up and share my story too, in case anyone else could relate to what I was going through and find it helpful.
I am glad you found it helpful
Thank you for sharing, as well as your honesty! Therapy is great, I’m glad you found it helpful. It doesn’t strike me that you’re over this issue though.
Your father hurt you by leaving. Do you empathise with his perspective? Was he apologetic? He reached out to you seeking to re-establish a relationship and you rejected him. In doing so, you are never allowing yourself to understand the possibility that he loved you, albeit from afar this whole time.
Working on how you feel about yourself is only one piece of the puzzle. Working on changing that internal message ‘my father doesn’t love me because he left, therefore I’m unlovable’ also means understanding your father. Sure you could focus only on the first piece, yourself, but it might take a longer to heal.
Apologies if my thoughts are unwanted. Your situation is intensely personal. I wish you all the best!
Work out first who are the type of people you belong with, then you can find them. Surround yourself with people who have similar hobbies and common interests with you, who enjoy your company and make you feel good about yourself, who support you and are there for you, and you for them.
You can belong to a large circle, but if they are not your people, it can be very lonely and soul destroying
Thanks for your comments. It sounds like we are in a similar situation. You have realised you didn’t fit in the old jigsaw and have been brave enough to open a new exciting jigsaw puzzle box to try again, only this time you chosen one that you love the picture of, so it will be a better fit for your piece. I wish you all the best on your journey to complete your new jigsaw.
I glad that this article has helped you. I think that when we find people who are going through something similar to us, that we can identify with, then they become part of our tribe. We can all support each other with sharing what we are going through and learn to heal and feel better about ourselves, knowing that we are not alone.
I’m pleased that line resonated with you. There is nothing wrong with our piece and once we recognize that and stop trying to force it where it doesn’t belong, we have the chance to start a new jigsaw puzzle that will be a better fit for us
Hi Helena,
My dad lived abroad for many years with his new family and I didn’t see or hear from him.
When he retired he moved back to this country and we got in touch. However, we will never have a proper father daughter relationship, as he wasn’t here for me during my formative years. Eventually we did talk about why he left my mum and it wasn’t to do with me, but by then it was too late and had already had an impact on my self-esteem and relationships. However it was therapy that helped me to see this differently and put me on the path to healing.
Thank you for your comment, I’m glad you appreciated it. You may not fit into the family version of the jigsaw puzzle, but there will be a different puzzle for you where you will fit in in other areas of your life – career, romantic relationships, friends
Helena,
I feel your pain, you are not alone.
We are all born enough, we just lose sight of that as life knocks us down. We need to learn to reconnect with our inner worth and believe in ourselves again x
Exactly, give up with that puzzle as it’s not right for you. I have spent half my life on the wrong puzzle and it has all fallen apart. I’m now trying to work on myself and find out what I actually want and need, so that I can find the right jigsaw puzzle to start again, one where I will fit into.
Apologies for the misunderstanding about rejection. Best of luck with the relationship with your father and dealing with your difficulties! Healing takes time, self-awareness and honesty, all of which you have in abundance! You have been very brave sharing your story, I’m sure it will be helpful to many others.
My comments come from a place where I will never be given a chance to repair that parental relationship. I will keep trying to be enough for myself.
Hi Sally what a great read. It took me a long time to find my puzzle pieces – I now have a husband and two babies. I never thought it would happen for me. I worked hard on myself and my boundaries and that made the right relationships flourish. I wish you all the happiness. No one is broken, your dreams are just around the corner xxx
Thanks for opening up and sharing how you feel. I’m still suffering from anxiety and depression and rarely leave the house and definitely comfort eat so I have put on lots of weight. I am using this time to listen to relaxing music and guided meditations to try and feel better about myself. I am revisiting a lot of past hurts and bad experiences trying to learn from them and see them in a different perspective now that time has past. Everything for me has fallen apart and I am trying to work out how to put myself back together but into something better, that suits my authentic self. I am trying to work out where I go from here, what is my purpose. Just because someone looks like they have it all together on the outside doesn’t mean that they do and what people post on facebook or Instagram are only the best version of themselves. People don’t usually post when they are feeling down, or fat, or have had a row in their “perfect relationship”.I have stopped following people that make me feel bad about myself. What I like about the Tiny Buddha community is that people are posting about the real struggles that they are going through and what they have learnt to try and help others, so we realise we are not alone. I have a long way to go and this is the first article I have written but it is the first lightbulb moment I have had in my darkness and I thought I should be brave enough to share it in case it can help others too.
I am glad that you can relate to this and I hope that this has given you a different perspective. My old puzzle didn’t work for me, I never fitted in and it didn’t make me happy. At the minute I am trying to find out what I want to do with my life, what my purpose is, what will make me happy, what I want my new jigsaw puzzle picture to look like? Then I can start again with a new puzzle that I will fit into it and find other pieces that will fit in with me.
I wish you all the best in finding your new puzzle too.
Hi Sally, thank you for your kind thoughts. I like you, are still trying find out what I want to do with my life and what my new puzzle will look like. Sometime ago, I was forced to leave my job and while I do some contract casual work, I don’t feel it brings any real satisfaction. I hope you find your life purpose and what makes you happy.
Thank you for your comments. Now that I have no job I have been feeling like I have no value, I am worthless and what is the point of me? I am trying to work out what my purpose is now, so if sharing my story has helped others than that makes me feel so much better. I have been blaming myself too as to why I don’t fit in. Most of the people I knew were work acquaintances but they were not real friends as once I have left that job they no longer wanted to keep in touch. Most of the groups of people I try to fit in with, I am just really on the outside looking in, as I am not really one of them and it became too hurtful to continue to try to be part of their group as I kept being left out, so I have removed them from my jigsaw puzzle. I have a couple of true friends that I made when I was young and they are still in my life, even though they are in a different country, but they love me, as I love them, so they definitely part of my jigsaw puzzle, so I know it is possible to fit in if you find your people, but It’s a lot harder to make new friends now that I am older. I am going for quality of friends now, not quantity. It sounds like you have some people that care about you, so those are the people you want in your jigsaw puzzle.
Thank you for your kind words. I wish you success in finding your happiness too
Hi sally,
I can DEFINITELY identify with you in so many ways. i agree this may be part of your purpose the other is getting yourself happy too, which is what i am in the process of. I wish you evrything you wish for yourself.
Thank you for your comment. I am glad that working on yourself has helped you to find the right relationship puzzle pieces for you. I wish you all the best
So much THIS and so many “same here’s”. Thank you for sharing this here. Somehow I feel less weird and a lot more connected. 😉 <3
I’m glad you found this helpful, you are not alone.
Hi Sally ,
This post was an eye opener for me. It was a realisation for me too , I might’ve been forcing two pieces to fit together , when they weren’t the right piece to fit at the moment…and this changes a lot of things and brings a lot more clarity. Thank you for sharing this and this post is surely helping a lot of people out there.
And you are not alone…
That’s a great metaphor for life! Thank you, Sally. 🙂
Glad you liked it
Thank you for your comments, I’m glad this helped you
I am, right now, where you are. The piece left over. Been trying to find other pieces, but no success so far. So I’m just trying to work on my own piece, since that’s the only one I can, and hopefully find more along the way.
I’ll be dead ass honest: when I first started reading this article, I almost stopped. I thought it was going to be boring and trite. Kept reading, and was pleasantly surprised. The puzzle analogy makes sense, and has brought me a lot of comfort. I must have learned somewhere down the line that I was to make something fit if it didn’t. Now I see I’m just not where I belong. That is optimistic somewhat, because it means that somewhere out there is a place I belong…
So anyways, thanks for your article, Sally.
Reading this in my late twenties. I will be sending this to my mom and a good friend. Amazing article. Thank you for sharing.
That’s the right approach. If we do not have a good relationship with ourself, then we can not have a good relationship with anyone else.
I’m glad you stuck with it and found it helpful.
I’m glad you found this helpful and want to share it.
What if your piece doesn’t fit in anywhere, no matter how many times you’ve tried to find the puzzle it belongs to?
I hope you’re right <3
Instead of trying to fit into someone else’s puzzle, work on your own piece, so that you feel happy and complete on your own. Then you become the start of a new puzzle, and that is often when other pieces will find you.