“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~Paul Boese
Have you ever wondered why it’s so difficult to forgive others?
We all know it feels better emotionally to let go of resentment and anger. We know that our minds are clearer and we function better when we’re not constantly yammering about that story of pain, betrayal, hurt, and humiliation. We even know that releasing all that junk is good for our physical health.
But it’s still hard, isn’t it?
As a doctor of psychology, I’ve learned that the amygdala, that part of our brains always on alert for threats to our survival, plays a large part in our resistance to letting go of negative feelings toward someone who has harmed us. But I think it’s more than that.
I think that the traditional method of “forgiveness” we’ve been using just doesn’t work. It’s flawed.
When I was younger and in my first marriage, my wife and I ran the typical “I’m sorry” process. We’d bicker and fight until one or the other of us would say, “I’m sorry.” Then the other of us would say, “I’m sorry, too”—and we really, really meant it!
But within 10 days or 10 hours (or sometimes 10 minutes), we’d be back at it.
What’s up with that? Our apologies were heartfelt. Neither of us enjoyed fighting. Yet…
It wasn’t until I was more fully immersed in Huna, the indigenous spiritual path of the Hawaiian Islands, that I understood what true forgiveness is—and what was missing from those mutual, though very sincere, apologies.
I learned the forgiveness process the ancient Hawaiians used, which is called ho`oponopono.
The word pono has no good translation in English but it’s that feeling of congruency and calmness that we’ve all experienced at some point—that sense that everything feels right, like feeling so at peace with a person or situation that nothing needs to be said. That’s pono.
Ho`oponopono means to become right with yourself and others, to become pono inside as well as outside. It implies a deeper level of connectedness.
In other words, when you forgive others using ho`oponopono, you feel calm and clear about them. You are free to re-establish a relationship with them, or not, as your own discernment dictates. And you are totally cleansed of the junk—the resentment, anger, hurt—that previously clogged your system.
Not the tight-lipped, “Okay, I can stand to be in the same room with you” type of forgiveness. Totally cleansed. Calm and clear. Free.
Fortunately, I’ve been given a another chance at learning about forgiveness in relationships—a second marriage to a wonderful soul, Soomi, who shares my commitment to personal growth and spiritual expansion. Here’s how ho`oponopono shows up in our lives:
Give and receive.
Through ho`oponopono, we’ve learned that it’s not about, “I’m sorry.” Instead we say, “I forgive you. Please forgive me.” Can you sense the difference? Asking for and offering forgiveness is a much more active, committed, vulnerable process.
Say it all.
Calmly and consciously, we give each other the space to express what needs to be expressed without hiding or holding back. It’s scary sometimes. Take lots of deep breaths! But when we’ve both shared our thoughts and feelings, we experience a sense of, “I’ve said it all, and I’m done.”
Transmit love.
You’re kidding me, right? I’m supposed to stream love energy to the person who has just wronged me?!? Yep. Part of the ho`oponopono process is to open your heart, acknowledge that the other is doing the best that he or she can at the moment, and offer love and compassion.
Daily practice.
It’s about the big things and the little things. All have to be released. Forgiveness is like taking a shower: Soomi and I know we need to do it every day to keep our relationship clear and present.
Retain the learning.
We stumble around and bump into each other for a purpose—to learn and to grow. Within the ho`oponopono process, there is much emphasis on grasping the learning from each difficult situation.
We forgive each other and ourselves, and we release the negative emotions, yet we still absorb whatever lessons are available to us.
Is this process always easy? No. But my wife and I have made it a priority in our marriage because it gives us a fresh start every day. We don’t bring baggage from yesterday into today’s interactions.
When we begin from a place of pono, we’re able to let each new day unfold.
Photo by LaserGuided
About Matthew James
Dr. Matthew B. James is President of The Empowerment Partnership. His book, The Foundation of Huna: Ancient Wisdom for Modern Times, details forgiveness and meditation techniques used in Hawaii for hundreds of years. Contact Dr. James: Info@Huna.com or www.DrMatt.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Read this today and needed to share this…… we can all benefit from it’s massage and wisdom!
I so get this … a year ago probably wouldn’t.. I’m evolving and I can feel it inside .. 🙂
I would love to ask a question. For lack of a better way to say it, I was dumped last November. Our timing was just off. She wasn’t ready for a committed relationship when I was. I didn’t put any pressure on her, knowing it was delicate. But she reached a point where she just wanted/needed to be alone. Anyhow, I didn’t see it coming. I’m working through it still. She got to end it and walk away. I was sort of blindsided by it. But again, I’m processing it. My question – I am attached to the pain still and deal with it daily. She may come back, she may not. How might I let go and forgive someone with whom I have no contact? I want to break free of this. Thanks!!!
As someone who was recently dumped…my suggestions:
1. I don’t know how to say this kindly but accept she is not coming back- write her a letter telling her this, tell her how you feel and that you need to let her go and that you forgive her for the hurt and the pain, forgive yourself for not being what she needed.
2. practice- think-act-feel, set your intention every morning
3. practice gratitude- everytime you think about her, your pain ect- think of something you have in your life to be grateful about
4. make more things in your life to be grateful about- do the things you love to do, find your passion.
5. meditate
6. exercise and eat healthy
Sorry this isn’t really about forgiveness…but moving on. I hope it helps you!
I am in the same exact boat. It’s been a year same feelings, same pains that you’re going through. It’s hard I still feel the same as I felt the first day she dumbed me. The one that you knew you were never going to be alone without suddenly they disappeared. While I don’t have an answer for you because I’m still trying to find the answer myself all I can tell you is keep moving forward. Pain doesn’t go away It’ll always stay remember your destiny wasn’t with her. Maybe this was to teach you something, to make you better. Trust me it’s hard I know it I’m still not over it but you gotta try take it slow one day you’ll back and see why everything does happen for a reason.
I have a question–(luckily the author found love again which I’m sure helped the healing and forgiveness process)–what happens when you come face to face with the person who hurt you and they have NOT changed? They still feel as though they can still say negative and hurtful things to you. How can you truly forgive them? Especially, when you are still alone.
Dear Doctor James,
I think you’ve given us some very good tools here. And I’d like to expand on the thinking in some ways.
It seems to me there are two (perhaps more) types of forgiveness.
There is EMOTIONAL FORGIVENESS whereby we finally discharge the resentment for being “wronged” (or perceived to be wronged or contradicted); and there’s INTELLECTUAL FORGIVENESS whereby we forgive another person by understanding his/her motivations and rationalizing them into something less offensive and more acceptable.
Personally I find it easier to drop emotional resentment than I do intellectual resentments. I have a tendency to carry a grudge until all is resolved and amends are made. It’s the principle of the thing.
If complete closure doesn’t happen, I can still bestow emotional forgiveness by replacing my internal pain of “betrayal” (as an example) with a later positive experience of love and appreciation from the person who “wronged” me or by someone else. (In other words, “Time heals all wounds.”)
The moral judgment however, is more difficult to release because it is based on a code of ethics I’ve built through my entire life. (Over time I do change my values, but it rarely happens in less than years.) So as I evolve, I try to remain open and liberal. I really do. But when it comes to personal interactions that directly affect my life, I form hard opinions based on the Golden Rule where we judge others by the same standards we judge ourselves. (But even this formula can corrupt itself into intolerance. And if that weren’t enough, the “Double Standard” is everywhere. People condemn others for the very acts they secretly do themselves.)
So at the end of the day, intellectual forgiveness (the releasing of moral judgments) is very complex and can linger way past the emotional making-up part.
And that’s because…
ONCE THE TRUST IS BROKEN, IT’S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO REBUILD IT TO WHAT IT WAS,
and also,
TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE IRRATIONAL, DELUSIONAL AND SELF-CENTERED.
Okay, so what’s my point?
Well, I’m not contradicting the Huna practices. I believe they are productive and can work. But unless the relationship is HONEST, MATURE, AGREED UPON and formed by MUTUAL RESPECT, day-to-day forgiveness will be undermined by long-term judgments, values and prejudices waiting to be validated.
Irv
I read this with an open mind and with the hope that this could truly help me. I wish I could say it helped but, it didn’t. How can this process work if the other is irrational? IE: I’m entering what is sure to be a nasty divorce. I would like nothing more for this to be amicable, and I’M the one who has the forgiving to do. I’ve been emotionally abused to the point of panic attacks being brought on simply by knowing ‘he’ is about to enter my home. We have a child together, if we didn’t I would find it much easier to simply tell myself ‘I forgive him, I refuse to let his irrational ways ruin my life’. But I can’t do that, because he purposely tries to hurt me by using our son. He knows I would do anything in theworld to protect my son so he deliberately does things he knows will upset me. Things I can not just let go as these are serious ‘things’ that, if I don’t intervene, will put my son in dangerous situations. He knows this, hence he knows that I will always react, always be there to target. He is sick, that I know. Knowing he is sick (by sick I mean he’s mentally and emotionally unstable) helps me on the forgiveness end but it can’t possibly last as his presence in my life is unavoidable. I would love nothing more than to forgive, please…tell me how?? I would doanything it takes, for my son and for my own well being. It’s taking it’s toll on my health so not only do I want to forgive, I NEED to forgive. But again, how can we possibly forgive someone who is irrational and who we can not simply walk away from? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I can honestly saythis is the first time in my life that I’ve had to work on forgiveness (I’ve been so blessed to have wonderful friends and family up until this point)
If you are letting someone into your life who no longer has a place there, you are only hurting yourself. You have a chance to use the techniques above on your end and then, simply walk away…move on. The more you allow this person into your life, the longer you will harbor resentment. There are some circumstances that prevent people from being able to forgive and walk away, it seems this is not the case for you so, my advice would be to realize that you have done what you need to do for YOU. Then let it go, free yourself as you DO have this option. Only you can choose to allow this person to show up in your life time after time. If there are no binding circumstances (ie: as in my case, a child) then you CAN do this. If it has to be a ‘one way’ forgiveness, so be it. Be at peace with your own decisions 🙂
Say a huge mental No to his behaviour and don’t play his game.Just walk away or don’t respond to his games. Keep saying the No. If you can don’t have him in your space, let him collect your son from the front door or better still a friend or relative. If you feel scared of his reaction to doing this you should be consulting with someone who has the ability to block him out of your life and potentially your son’s if necessary.
Focus on how you want your life to be and not on him and his problems and behaviour. Take your focus of the problem and onto the future you want.
Forgive him on the basis that he is a nutter and that whatever has happened to him in life has probably led him to where he is now, but you don’t have to accept his behaviour or have it in your life.
Forgive yourself for tolerating it to the point that you did.
Find your strength girl and kick ass.
xx
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We don’t bring baggage from yesterday into today’s interactions.” was well said!
Wow, That does sound more effective and different. Well, I always thought relationships are based on love and trust. So forgiveness does play a crucial part in it. Thank you so much for sharing your story, I’ll follow your advice for sure!
Aditya
I have recently embarked on a journey of forgiveness myself and this post spoke to all the elements I am trying to embrace and manifest in my own relationships and daily living. Thank you so much!
Forgiveness is such a challenge state to get to for most. Thanks for sharing this article that I’m sure a lot of people will have a lot of success with.
Hi there Girlybird,
In this case, it might be even easier to truly forgive them while being alone (or at least, during a time when you are not around that person). I too have wondered if I should forgive someone who has continuously said hurtful things to me. But in Huna, we teach that, by holding onto the unforgiveness, the only person you are hurting is yourself. And that’s the last thing you need when someone else may be trying to hurt you! Read this blog, I think it details out what I think you need to hear 🙂 – http://www.drmatt.com/2012/07/05/healing-through-forgiveness-or-secrets-to-forgiveness/
Mahalo,
Matt
Hi there,
That’s a great question! Sometimes we need to forgive people who we don’t have a way of contacting.
You’re right, she may come back, and she might not. The problem is that even if she did come back, at this point, it sounds like you might see through the lenses of what she did, rather than the person who she is right now.
In the article I discussed a forgiveness technique called Ho’oponopono. My suggestion is that you do the technique, and cut the aka with her. This will cut the emotional connection that is between you two. Afterwards, you may energetically choose to establish a connection (or not) from a place of forgiveness.
Keep in mind that I don’t know what will happen after you cut the aka with her. There might still be work to do, or you may be able to let go of your feelings toward her entirely. Whatever the case is, this will help your next relationship to start from a fresh place of love and healing. It would be my pleasure to give you a link to listen to Ho’oponopono for free: http://www.huna.com/special-download_Hooponopono1.php.
Listen to this audio, cut the aka from a place of forgiveness, and notice how this gets rid of the attachment.
Mahalo,
Matt
Hi there,
Thanks for the response! I appreciate the intellectual input. Also, I agree that relationships should be honest and respectful! Personally, I believe forgiveness is forgiveness. So you either forgive someone or you don’t (intellectually or otherwise). I heard a quote once that said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
Mahalo,
Matt
Thank you Diana!
You are very welcome! 🙂
That’s wonderful to hear, Sam!
Thanks Nicole! Glad you liked it!
You are right! 🙂 That’s great to hear!
Hi there,
Thank you so much for sharing such a personal experience! I really appreciate it.
First off, if you feel you are in any danger whatsoever, please call the police. Forgiveness is great, but first you need to protect yourself and your son from any potential dangerous situations.
The reason a lot of people have trouble with forgiveness is because they feel that holding onto the black bags is protecting themselves in some way (physically, emotionally or otherwise). And while it can feel like protection… holding onto the black bags does not protect us. It only hinders us. When you’re ready, learning from the events that caused the black bags in the first place will be what will allow you to forgive. In other words, taking action that’s different from whatever it is that put you in your current situation is what will protect you. The negative emotions do not. Make sense?
To sum up, make sure you and your son are in a safe place. Take action and set proper boundaries to protect you two. Then you can do the forgiveness process.
Mahalo,
Matt
Happy to hear it, Susan!
It is impossible to give love to those you hate, absolutely impossible, the very thought makes me sick.
When you do ho’oponopono, you’re not “giving love” to others, you’re loving yourself, you’re forgiving yourself for ot being able to love others, you’re forgiving your hate, you’re releasing that feeling into zero, you’re allowing yourself to be who you really are, and not who you think you are, ‘cos you know you’re not hate, you’re not fear, you’re not resentment or anger, you’re only love, nothing more.
Peace of I