“A bad day for your ego is a great day for your soul.” ~Jillian Michaels
A few weeks ago, when I was feeling a bit down on life, I was surfing through Facebook and found myself getting more and more upset.
There were weddings and vacation photos and posts about promotions and new purchases and all the great things that happen in people’s lives.
These were my friends, and I couldn’t understand why I felt so unhappy. Why did I feel a pit in my stomach that I wasn’t good enough when I heard about someone getting the job of their dreams? Why was I so thrown by other people’s lives going well?
That’s when an idea that has been bumbling around my mind for a few months hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized something I’ve always known but never had words for.
I realized the evil of my own ego.
Ever since I was young, I was that kid in school who needed to be the best, who needed all the awards.
I took something I was good at (academic achievement) and created an identity around it, visualizing myself as the Best. And I succeeded. I was valedictorian. I graduated Summa Cum Laude.
I got the awards, the grades, the standardized test scores, the recognition, all of which was meant make me happier. It never did.
With an identity centered around being the top dog in my field, I became obsessed with the people who were better.
There was always someone who achieved more than me, or someone else who got an award I wanted. Even if I was number one in the class, there were always those points that I missed or the looming fear that I couldn’t do as well on the next test.
I made myself miserable trying to placate the beast inside me, a beast that was never content, could never relax in the glory of what I had accomplished. It always wanted more, more, more.
I walked away from that academic life almost a year ago and started writing books. Right away, I realized I had to fight that ego, suppress the beast inside me that still wanted to be the best.
Writing has always been my joy in life and I didn’t want to do it for money, fame, or success. I wanted to do it because it was something I’d always wanted to do.
For months I fought down my ego and tried to focus on the simple joy of creating stories and playing with characters.
I certainly slipped up a number of times and I still compare myself to others on bad days (like the one described above), especially other writers my age. But on the days I can put that self-image aside and just be, those are times of true bliss, the days I’m happier than I’ve been since I got my first A.
Perhaps you won’t agree, but I’m starting to believe that a significant portion of the bad things in life stem from our own gluttonous egos.
We want to be the best, be recognized, be validated and put on a pedestal, but years of research and eons of evidence tell us that those are not the things that make human beings happy.
Ironically, it’s selflessness that tends to make us most content.
Doing work for no other reason than because you love it; giving time to your family or a cause that matters to you; luxuriating in the simple pleasures of a good meal, exercise, a book you love, or a beautiful view—these are the things that matter, the things that make our experience on Earth worthwhile.
Money, fame, glory, accolades, recognition are like heroin to the human brain. Some deep and intrinsic part of our nature wants them, and when we get them it sure is a rush to the system.
But the rush is fleeting, empty, and immediately requires more.
Focusing on these material, external things and structuring our lives around them can be just as unhealthy as destructive drugs.
The trap of vanity can capture a soul and mutilate it beyond recognition. Relationships fail, passions are lost, and years later we find ourselves wondering how we spiraled down to such a point.
I know because I’ve been there.
I compared myself to my peers in school. I’ve compared myself to my friends on Facebook. I let competition run my life for years. And never once did it make me happy.
I’m not perfect and I still fall into the trap of wanting to impress everyone. But I’m fighting that instinct day by day, trying to do what all the sages and wise men advise: Don’t give an owl’s hoot about what others think of you.
So kill your ego. Don’t compare yourself to others (a truthful cliché) and do things just because you enjoy them.
Create work you love. Spend time with people who make you happy, make you better. Enjoy the views, climb the mountains, swim in the oceans, and do all the things you’ll be happy to remember when you’re old.
I can personally guarantee fighting to “win” the game of life isn’t going to be one of them.
Happy man silhouette via Shutterstock
About Audrey Woods
Audrey Woods is a writer living her dream in Boston, MA. After her own tumultuous journey, Audrey strives to help others discover peace, seek their true calling, and live a fully authentic life. She writes young adult fiction and is currently working on her second book. Find out more on her website at aawoodswrites.com or on Twitter at @aawoodswrites.
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Hey Audrey, I loved when you said: “Money, fame, glory, accolades, recognition are like heroin to the human brain. Some deep and intrinsic part of our nature wants them, and when we get them it sure is a rush to the system.” Money is like a drug. We cannot let it consume us.
What happens if all your life you lied about where you were from, who your parents were etc, the details of your background, because you were hiding from yourself, from your own painful memories? I grew up with abusive parents and from the middle of my teenage years I was so fed up of being embarrassed by my parents’ fighting and the reality of my family that I started lying. The problem is that people liked me, I’m very intelligent, very funny, interesting and compassionate but people don’t know my real story. I don’t want to explain myself as a victim, but I’m now in my early 30s and everything else is going well in my life (I was depressed for 7 years) that I’m literally exhausted of people not knowing MY true story. I’m scared people will disown me, or not trust or believe me, how on earth do I get out of this trap? I want to be authentic
I completely agree! External motivators are terribly unhealthy things to structure our lives around, and yet the temptation is so strong. It’s a cultural precedent and something we’ve all grown up being indoctrinated into. But fighting to value things like love, friendship, and human morality will always be worth it.
Thank you for your comment! 🙂
I’m so sorry to hear about your pain. I can understand that would be very hard to deal with. But if you’ve built a community of people around you who care about you and value you as a person (and it sounds like you have), then they will accept whatever past you have. You are not the things that happened to you, and the people who love you won’t care about your past. They will care about who you are now. It sounds like you have valid reasons for doing what you did, and if you can explain it to them honestly and show them that you are still you, no matter what happened, then I believe they will have no trouble adjusting themselves to who you really are.
I hope this was helpful! Feel free to message me on my blog if you’d like to talk about this in more detail.
Thank you for your response. The problem is the details I’ve presented as my background story, where I was from, sometimes where I grew up, where my parents were from, what religion I grew up in etc. Truths that I’ve constructed about myself to hide from the reality of my upbringing. I’m just so tired of it now.
Well, maybe you can try a trial run with one friend. Just try to have an honest conversation with them and see how it goes. I would imagine people would be open-minded when they learn the reasons behind what you chose to do.
It seems to be in your best interest to try.
Hi Audrey
This is a great post and so true. Regarding Facebook I have also found myself doing the same it is the worse place for it but I had to step back and take a real look. FB is a place where people can easily build the life they want and also not include the bad bits,I am starting to learn that most things people post on their are not what they seem and in a lot of cases these people will have other issues in their lives that you don’t see. I am really trying hard not to compare myself to others as your post so easily says but remembering this helps. I actually came of FB a year ago and it is the best thing I did, the real people in your life you will stay in touch with and it keeps it real and allows you to get on with your life without worrying as much about others. There is still always something but I found FB to be a main factor.
Martin I totally hear where you are coming from, I to grew up in an abusive childhood and as an only child who was also taken away from the rest of my family it is very easy to feel like no one would understand or a little bit odd compared to the happy families ‘you think’ you see. I am following a journey like you but the one thing I am realising is stand up and be proud of what you gave been through you didn’t ask for your up bringing but you have been incredibly strong to get through it! I am starting to open up, real friends as Aubrey says will not judge you in fact they will understand. It takes a lot of guts to stand up and say what you have been through. You may loss some people on the journey(hopefully not) but if you do they are not people you need in your life.
I wish you both happiness and we’ll done for speaking out.
Martin also to survive an abusive childhood we all need coping Mechamisms, it protects us, mine was dreaming and I am still trying to stop that as an adult, its not that dismillar to the actions you have taken so I would say you are pretty human 🙂
Hi Audrey,
I really enjoyed your post. Your message is backed up by your words.
The things that we are the best at are the things we do because we love them. The biggest thing that I struggle with every day is not qualifying my life by how society qualifies success. My mind wants to fit in and does not like the discomfort that comes from doing what my gut is telling me. The mind has a place and that is to analyze data. The best decisions are made in your gut. The little voice you hear or that feeling in the pit of your stomach. This is your spirit talking to you. Your gut will never steer you wrong.
Scully – I am so glad that my article was able to help you. It is very true that Facebook is a way for people to show the world only the best parts of themselves. No one wants to advertise the “bad parts” of their life, but be assured that they are there for everyone. It’s wonderful that you were able to remove yourself from the toxicity of the cycle and create a healthier mental space. Well done! 🙂
I’m happy to hear that you have conquered your past and are striving for a positive lifestyle. I wish you all the best and hope you have a wonderful day!
Dog – thank you so much! It’s wonderful to hear that. 🙂
I completely agree. I feel that no decision is wrong if it is made with your gut. It certainly isn’t easy and sometimes you have to make a decision that society doesn’t quite agree with, but you are the only person you have to live with, so it’s incredibly important to make the choices that will make you happy as a person. And happy people are the ones who change our world in the best ways.
Well done and keep following that inner voice!
Thanks for this Audrey and I love your latest blog post about publishing here too. Very inspiring! Our stories are similar though we’re from difference sides of the pond. I’m so happy to hear you speaking out about this competition -be the best- thing. My mind broke (anxiety issues) towards the end of formal education because I’d got so deep in this. What’s most crazy is that, naturally, I don’t care who’s the best. I’d always only wanted to help others, but felt trapped in a system that would punish me for doing this; via me getting lower marks for not revising and others getting higher marks through my help. So frustrating! Glad to be out of it all now and, like you, doing my part to support others and feeling whole again through this work. Please keep writing!
Thank you, Audrey. The beautiful thing about our gut is authenticity. Keeps us honest with ourselves and every one else on this planet. Listening to the gut or the spirit(whatever you prefer) keeps us connected in “Spirit”. LOL
Thank you Audrey for this wonderful story . I have been finding myself stuck into this trap a lot of times lately . I feel like I am pushed by the society to do things that my true self will not do . I see how people are competiting and I have to admit that I was one of them . I always tried to be the best,the center of the attention,to have everything on this world. I now feel that all of this have only made me anxious,nervous and unhappy. I realized that the very first thing I have to do in order to feel happy with myself is to find inner peace and maintain it. I feel like I will be much more happy if I manage to know myself more,to be aware of who I am as a person than with my possesions or achievements because I feel that no matter what I achieve in life I will never be satisfied with myself until I finally find this inner peace and start living with it. Recently,I have been even trying to avoid the temptations life offers me and will offer. As I see all these people being motivated by external things,competiting against each other,trying to show off with everything they’ve got,I just tell myself “Do I really want to be one of them ? ” and whenever I hear someone wanting to have something material I suddenly tell myself again ” I WILL NOT want to have this,I am not going to posses this,not going to buy it,because that is not what happiness is measured with” and I will just quit it although I think there will be times when I will regret it but I can’t help it. Overall said,I now feel motivated to avoid being trapped by material things,mainly influenced by the people around me. I feel like it is kinda strange because in the past whenever I saw someone possesing something I inevitably wanted to have it too and now all of a sudden hearing the exact same thing just makes me wanna reject it . I am not quite sure if you understood me but I will put in one final sentence – I don’t want to posses material things other people do,because I see them competiting and I think this is wrong,I feel this is not what life is all about and I would not tempt to buy and have any of this things although I would have the chance to . Inner peace above all .
Thank you for your comment, Leah! I’m so glad to hear I’ve been able to inspire you. 🙂 I know exactly what you mean, and that’s been my problem with formal education as well. As a child, I always loved just learning and growing, but when there are numbers associated I find that all the fun of being a student is gone! Certainly some major flaws in the system, but I am so glad to hear that you’ve managed to find a balance in your life. Keep supporting others and being a positive force in the world! We need people like you!
Thank you so much for your comment Alex. It seems like you have been able to approach this issue in an incredibly mature and introspective way. I’m very happy to hear that you’ve found this kind of balance in your life. It is true that material things will never completely make you happy because there is always more to be had, but when you are able to find inner peace you can be content with the life you’ve got rather than envious of all the things you don’t. Material things can only give fleeting and temporary happiness, while things like relationships and meaningful work can make a life truly wonderful. I wish you all the best in your pursuit of inner peace and greatly admire your presence of mind! And if you ever need more support, feel free to connect on my blog. 🙂
I completely understand that feeling! So right, and it’s wonderful you can be self-aware enough to realize the damage it’s doing.
Thank you so much for your comment! Have a lovely day. 🙂