“Your fear is boring.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert
It has taken me eighteen years of marriage, two kids, and twenty-plus years of healing to realize I have been afraid of being myself with my husband.
It has taken me decades to step into my power and become the fiercely alive, joyful, and creative expression I am today.
I often think about the guy I met at the bar on the beach and wonder about things like fate, purpose, and “The Grand Plan,” meant-to-be sort of stuff. I stare at my two gorgeous children and part of me knows that every morsel of pain was worth it. But I am sad and tired.
I have everything I am supposed to have, I have done everything I was supposed to do, and I have achieved so much, but still there is a hole in my soul.
Am I afraid to bring the bigger love into my life, to feel joy? Am I meant to suffer? Do I have the nerve to stick this out, face the mirror, and do the vulnerable work it might take to get where I want to be?
I have lots of unanswered questions.
Yet, when I slide out of my confused mind for a bit, into the now of me sitting in the little sanctuary I created, where I sort out my dreams, I am truly at peace.
The meanings and troubles, the disagreements and polarized values that plague my marriage with tension and keep me from deeper love disappear in a poof of sunrays through my big window.
I realized, after many years of searching, that I have been afraid to be me, but the me I have been afraid of expressing to my husband isn’t the same me he married.
I don’t remember feeling afraid when we met, all glistening and sandy on the beach, giving each other those “You’re sexy” and “I dig you” kind of smiles.
Standing there, gazing into his adoring eyes, at the beginning of my life, my career, and my marriage, I hadn’t arrived yet. The divine, creative, fiercely alive woman and healer would emerge many years later, so now I wonder, who the heck got married?
And so it goes—the people we marry, the family we grow up with, and the friends we have adventures with are growing, shifting, changing, and transforming, each in their own way, each on their own path, navigating life by our sides for a while until we don’t recognize each other.
I look up at my husband after he screams at our son for making his sister shriek by sitting on her, and I cower into the three-year-old little girl I have been fighting for forty years to not be. Who is that little girl, and why is she so afraid all of a sudden?
I am in a place in my life and marriage now where I can no longer tolerate what I feel when the three year old shows up.
I am braver and have cultivated the awareness it takes and the practices necessary to be with people who are on a different path, who may not be growing along with me, or worse, who criticize me for the way I live.
It seems like it took forever to get to the place where I am not willing to compromise my self-worth, but the rewards have been great.
These are the practices that allow me to stay and be me in this relationship.
1. Get clear about who matters to you, and why.
It is easy to stay confused about life; confusion doesn’t require making a choice or taking action.
I had to acknowledge that my marriage meant everything to me before I could commit to staying the course and devote to energy required to do that.
2. Get help with learning how to move through your fear and speak up for what you want in your relationships.
You can’t expect the people you love to read your mind, so express yourself, even when you are afraid. I received much help over the years to do this simple thing.
My rituals and practices have included therapies that opened my heart and energy, enhanced my awareness, and helped me discover my self-worth, such as:
- John F. Barnes Myofascial Release
- Acupuncture
- Meditation
- Breathwork
- Emotional Freedom Technique
- Life Coaching
A little work on my throat chakra didn’t hurt either. When I opened up the blocks and the fear that kept me from expressing my voice, a whole new world opened up to me.
3. Discipline your mind.
Challenge the negative thoughts that sabotage your efforts to speak up, and fight for what you want in your relationships.
Your fear voice will come up with all sorts of reasons not to speak your mind. Some of them may be valid concerns; if you fear that speaking up may rock the boat, know that it possibly will. Unless you want to repress your true self indefinitely, it’s a risk worth taking.
As I recognized my fear voice more and more, and got comfortable differentiating her from the me that was the intuitive, joyful healer, I was able to give her a name: Martha.
Now, whenever that voice pipes up, I call her out. That separates me from the noise going on in my head and the meanings I give to the situations that make me feel powerless. When I notice Martha doing the talking, I detach. With awareness, I choose to believe and act differently in my conversations with people.
There are many ways to discipline your mind and detach from the negative thoughts that control you.
- Therapies and books that focused on the mind/body connection were important for my transformation, such as Eckhart Tolle’s book A New Earth. Other authors that changed my perspective and boosted my awareness include Dr. Wayne Dyer, Rhonda Byrne, John F. Barnes, Anthony De Mello, Peter Levine, and Bruce Lipton. The key is to find the resource that wakes you up to the connection between your thoughts and your suffering.
- Therapeutic writing and journaling helped me sort things out. This is a powerful tool that you can use to reflect and move the thoughts and energy from the inside to the outside, where it’s just words on a page.
- Talking and connecting with other people can also be powerful. Sometimes a conversation about relationships or the mysteries of life will give you new perspective, and if you are paying attention, they might also provide a mirror to look at your own beliefs and attitudes.
4. Recognize when you feel fear, and use it as a compass.
Feel fear as a bodily sensation, keeping you small or preventing you from expressing the you that you desire to be in your relationships.
Fear can be your compass, giving you an opportunity to move through it and speak your truth.
To be myself with my husband meant I had to do this over and over again, and I did, learning along the way as the triggers got quieter and my confidence grew. Now, when I feel that tightness in my chest, I know it means I have a chance to express myself and do a tiny bit of healing.
5. Decide which relationships to let go of and which ones to nurture.
This is the choice that matters the most. Most days it was easier to just stay confused about this, playing out the foggy drama of my fears. Martha sounded something like, “I just don’t know what to do about this,” or “I just can’t make a decision,” or, my favorite, “I am just not smart/good/strong enough to make this happen.”
Getting clear about what I wanted, staying awake to my fear, and loving myself enough to make a choice was way more complicated and difficult than being confused. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been worth it.
I am going to nudge you gently now and ask you to take action on your dreams for big love.
Get clear about what you want. Start making choices, be aware of your thoughts, and move through the fear by speaking your truth to the people who matter most to you. The simple act of expressing yourself to the world is where the magic begins.
Upset woman image via Shutterstock
About Laura Probert
Laura Probert, MPT is the owner of Bodyworks Physical Therapy and the author of Warrior Love, A Journal To Inspire Your Fiercely Alive Whole Self, and Living, Healing and Taekwondo. She is the creator of the “When Your Soul Speaks,” workshop and runs a writing group of the same name on Facebook. More about her healing, writing and kicking passions: www.bodyworksptonline.com, www.bewarriorlove.com, www.facebook.com/warriorlove.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you for being an encouragement! <3
Thanks Laura for sharing the story. I can relate very much with the statement “It is easy to stay confused about life; confusion doesn’t require making a choice or taking action.”.
You are most welcome!
I love that you named your ‘fear voice’, Martha. It just takes a bit of separation sometimes, to decide that’s not who you are. Great advice; well-written article. Thank you!
In your relationship with God it is always safe to be yourself.
Thanks for this, very timely article, I am going to a similar phase where I learn to **really** express myself, my feelings, my thoughts to my partner. It is interesting to see how unaware I was of not being expressive, living in the illusion that I am the most expressive person in the world. I was only deceiving myself because I was too afraid to confront the other, but most importantly myself, with the feelings I am experiencing. Communication, seems so easy, but so difficult to apply. First of all with oneself, then with the others.
You are so right! Seems easy, but it is not! It is a practice, like awareness, that grows and builds. We can look forward to what it will bring us, but in the meantime, we must be disciplined in it!
Thank you Melissa! Naming my fear voice was one of the most profound things I ever did for my awareness…it was a game changer!!
Great insight. I had to distance myself from my entire family and go through a lot of hell with my husband when I discovered my true self. Like you said, I wasn’t the person they’d frown accustomed to me being and it was hard on all of us. But feeling alive and full is worth all that sacrifice. Thanks for sharing.
Yes Tara, totally worth the sacrifice! Thank you for your comment!
it’s not just marriage. I have several friends that I’m afraid to be honest with because I think it will end the relationship. But what kind of relationship is it if I can’t be myself? Who are THEY friends with? A doormat?
Thank you for this great article. Gives us a good perspective.
I so agree Jody!
I agree! Loved that aspect. After all, fear acts like another person vying for our attention and “giving opinions” when least wanted. I like the idea of treating it as a person you would not associate with when given the choice. Which, of course, you have.
I agree. Many remain stuck in their comfort place. Thanks for showing us the steps to climb out.
As always, absolutely beautiful, Laura. I could DEVOUR your words…so true, so raw, so…..right. Thank you for this inspiring and thought-provoking piece.
Thank you for this article. I wish I would have spoke up more in my marriage. I let my own ‘Martha’ control the sharing of my emotions and talking to my partner. I am committed to making changes in my life so fear does not control my relationships. I will definitely be looking for some of the authors you mentioned above. Thank you!
Thanks for the comment. The awareness of your fear voice really is a game changer. And the cool part is, once you hear it, you can’t really not hear it anymore – it is an awareness that grows and helps you!
Thank you so much Torrie!
Thank you Mimi!
You are SO RIGHT Jody! This stuff goes for ANY relationship, especially those friendships you have had the longest, where the person may not recognize the changes you have made. No more doormat!!
I was never unhappy in my relationships, but I was ALWAYS afraid to say what I wanted for fear of the men seeing me as too “needy” and breaking up with me. I’m still guilty of that habit, but I truly wish to fix myself. I need what I need, and I shouldn’t be ashamed of that. Thank you for posting this article!
I feel I will never do right by her, she likes to run the show and better keep up junior. 33 years of marriage and…again she says she gets so frustrated talking things over, she’s ready to leave.
Much more to explain, ….thank you for the article and letting me ramb
This article describes my marriage for the past 3 years! I am scared to truly be myself and tell him how I really feel all the time, so I react negatively to many things and it is ruining our relationship. He is not a bad person, but I always think he will judge me or criticize me, so I just let him make most decisions, don’t express my feelings, and am not confident at all. It is ruining our marriage. He wants someone with opinions and dreams, not just a woman w/open legs. I am scared to be myself. In the beginning I didn’t care so much b/c I wasn’t thinking to spend the rest of my life w/him or be so in love w/him.
I can hardly express my feelings with my fiance without him becoming upset and saying that I’m trying to make him look like a villain. He turns it into a huge argument and lectures me about how horrible I’m being for even feeling a certain way. I can never have him just sit down with me while i express and having him understand even if its nothing to worry about. It’s driving me crazy. I love him but I don’t know how much i can take.
That is totally the relationship with my husband. Except we have been together for going on 9 years. We are fighting right now and we both shut down or he get after me because I dont talk enough.
I am afraid to stand up for myself. I fear being physically beat if I do.
I was beat as a child and every time I disagreed with my father, he would beat me. Even for minor things.
Now I’m married and have a child myself. Today, instead of standing up for myself and my daughter for swimming near a boat launch, I cowered in fear and looked on in regret and awe when my friends stood up for me.
The man in the boat just started cursing at me to get out of his way (and I actually wasn’t in his way-I was near the other side of the boat launch deck in the water) instead of just calling out and asking me to move.
Honestly, it’s just his rudeness that bothers me, and the fact that I was terrified of replying back to him.
I don’t want my daughter to grow up terrified of confrontation, like I am. I want her to be able to stand up for herself, instead of being pushed around all the time. So I need to change myself, to be her example.
But this fear just grips me, paralyzed me from saying anything. I’m just so terrified of him getting out of his boat and beating me. Especially with my toddler there.
I’m so sick of being so afraid of everything and everyone.
It’s good that you are aware of your fear completely. You know what you fear and why. You also know what has caused it. That’s great. You are already ready to change. Forgive your father for what he did and realise that today you have all the power in your life. Feel the fear, and do it anyway. What you fear may happen, let it happen, do it anyway. Stand up for yourself. Choose to be you. Trust yourself. You have the power.
Much love,
Jinny
My problem isn’t that I have no voice. My issue is that my voice is soooo loud and blunt that it comes off as rude and cruel which is not my intention. So I try and stay quiet so I don’t hurt others. This back fires on me most of the time, because I can’t speak my Truth. This causes me to over think constantly and at the end like a volcano I erupt and I hurt people even more. I am a very logical person most of the time yet I have no filter. For example if someone comes to me to talk or vent, yet what they are super upset about is something that they themselves caused, I would normally try to listen and help them see the other side. , but if said person is too daft to understand that they are the cause of their own pain and continue to blame everyone else. I would probably say something like ” you are really damn bull headed aren’t you? Don’t you see that you are the reason for your unhappiness? Quit your bitching and do something about it otherwise you will never be happy.” And at that point I feel soooo bad for what I said that I break myself down in my head for days on end. Untill I’m left with no self confidence and I go back to being quiet.