“Your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself.” ~Lululemon
I recently started going through what has been the most difficult situation I have ever had to bare in my life: the end of my twelve-year relationship.
I have gotten to know the darkest and most hidden places inside me, and pain so deep that I did not know we as a species were capable of feeling it.
It has been through this process and my will to endure, survive, and overcome that I have had to dig deep to find meaning and answers.
I went through a long period of negativity and was unable to find reasons to come out of my misery.
I became obsessed with the idea of having what I desired more than anything in the world, and nothing else in my life was worth living, or even good enough, if I couldn’t share it my life with the man I loved.
Little by little, I started finding joy in little things. I smiled to every stranger I passed by and created deep eye contact whenever I said “thank you” to someone. I began eating again (I pretty much had stopped).
I achieved this by accepting what was happening instead of desiring things to be different. I wanted to stop hurting and knew that the only way was to be fully present and to stop obsessing over things I couldn’t control.
It was only because I moved from my place, took a few steps to the side, and changed my perspective that I was able to understand what was happening and where it was all coming from. This understanding gave me peace.
Having perspective helped me see that everything that happens is a reaction to something else. Symptoms are only that; they are not the cause itself. Being able to focus on motives instead of responses gave me awareness.
Then it wasn’t so much about the final process itself but more about what I can do now with what I have this instant.
I began a very intimate process of gratitude. I started thanking the universe for absolutely everything that was happening in my life and even went back to my earliest memories. I started acknowledging every small moment of joy that I was fortunate enough to savor.
When I stopped trying to ignore my deep feeling of emptiness and anxiety and started paying attention to why I felt it, I was able to wake up in the morning without feeling what I called “the black hole.”
I realized that my body was trying to tell me something: relying on someone else for happiness, well-being, and joy was wrong. These were all things that I needed to provide for myself. It became very clear once I put it into action; the emptiness started dissipating.
Through my great effort I got to a day when I could again breathe calmly and deeply without having that sense of suffocation that had paralyzed me for the last five months.
I am happy to share with you a few things that I engage in daily that I consider to have saved my life.
Practice daily gratitude.
I express my appreciation every night for everything that goes on during the day. I thank the people who offer me support, the people who love me, the people with whom I am lucky enough to be able to talk to or share some insight, even the people that represent a challenge.
Gratitude helps us cherish what we have right now and see life as a truly amazing gift.
Let people know you care about them.
If I care for someone, I immediately tell that person. I don’t hold back.
When I open up to people, it creates a mirror effect and people open up to me. Even people who find it challenging to express their emotions give love back to me, through words and actions.
Giving love and then receiving it helps me feel less alone and a lot more appreciated.
Appreciating all this loving and kindness helped me rid my attachment to the one person I wanted to give me love.
Write love letters to yourself.
Listing virtues that I am happy to have and reflecting on the things I’m not proud of helped me love and accept myself that much more, and build confidence and strength.
For example, I’m happy to have a clear view on what I’m willing to accept into my life and what I’m not. I’m happy to know that I’m a good listener, that I’m responsible, and that I am capable of taking care of myself.
I’m not too proud of my lack of patience, my intolerance, or my need to control—but I accept myself, flaws and all.
Writing things down in this way engraves them and makes them more present and real, and not so intangible and unclear.
Get to know yourself.
I spent more time alone than I had ever before in my life. I went to the movies on my own, I ate dinner at places my ex and I went on a regular basis, and walked everywhere. Being alone with my thoughts helped me understand what I needed to do to gain peace.
That was remembering that I am who I am by myself, and not who I am in response to someone else.
This translated in me falling in love with who I really am instead of the recurring thoughts and fears of not being good enough for someone else.
Through being alone I got to understand my values and my worth. This reinforced to me that we don’t need someone else to be complete; we only need ourselves.
This helped me shift my perspective, to know that I am good enough, and there is no need to convince or prove to other people that I am worth their love.
Once you start feeling love for yourself and are able to see the world as a truly magnificent, beautiful, and sacred place, you will notice how it gives back. If you pay enough attention, you can see how you are receiving gifts, constantly.
The key is in thanking and being grateful for being alive and for the fortune of what we already have.
About Ihxel Perez
Ihxel works in film production in Mexico City. She enjoys the company of animals, friends, and family. She loves flowers and loves to sing. She is on the road to recovery and her newfound love is exploring herself and getting to know what’s inside as deeply as she can.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
What an insightful and inspiring article! It was perfect timing that I read this also, because I am in the process of ending a long term relationship also. Thank you 🙂
This article was amazing – it really spoke to me. Thank you!
Thank you so much for this 🙂
It is a really beautiful piece Ihxel. (: I’m really thankful for getting to read this. (:
I needed to read this today. Of all days, this was the day. Thank you.
🙂
Thank you Yong, I appreciate it 🙂
I’m so glad!
Claudia, I hope everything unfolds peacefully during your process 🙂
The mistake we make is feeling validated as a human being by our relationship with someone. For example, I am a good person and like myself because Ihxel loves me. When Ihxel breaks up with me, I feel like I’m not worthy of love.
Loving oneself and being grateful for the present is most important.
Agreed. It’s vital to not let go of your relationship with yourself, I think… The only way to be capable of loving someone else freely is to accept the other person as an independent and impermanent individual, same goes for yourself. Thanks for your input, BFLY!
Great article! Thank you!
Thank you for writing this, it’s exactly what I needed to read at this point in my life. Thank you 🙂
Thank you so much for the above. After much time exploring my own being, I recently came out as gay to my mom, she wasn’t that pleased when I told her and still isn’t but for me to be my full being with the uttermost happiness and joy, I had to be honest to myself and to those around me. Even though relationships with others have caused a little tension, my relationship with myself has grown so much better, I wake up happy and I sleep tight with gratefullness every night. I had to stop living in fear and here I am now, strong, happy and grateful.
Wow I thought i was reading about myself. I have fallen into that same black hole after learning that my husband has deceived me– also 12 year relationship/ marriage. Your article is amazing i thank you for sharing this. I need to find myself again and just learn to let go.
Just ending a relationship and so connected to your insights. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences and wisdom. It was a message that felt divinely guided to me.
Thanks for sharing this. Stay strong
Thank you. :))
Thank you for sharing your story. I have also been working through heartbreak after the ending of a 7 year relationship. They say when the heart breaks, it opens to let the light in and grows bigger as a result.The journey back to wholeness has been a revelation of self discovery. Not feeling good enough is a sure fire way to get exactly what you fear. Taking time to dig deep with honesty, release with forgiveness and learn to care and love for yourself again is one of the most liberating processes. Pain is a gift with an opportunity in its hands.
“We don’t need someone else to be complete; we only need ourselves.”
Very VERY true. It’s reading posts like this where people have shared their life experiences and their journey’s of recovery from the ‘abyss’ that have motivated me to fall in love (with myself) all over again. Thank you Ihxel for sharing this (:
Millie, thank YOU for sharing 🙂 Now, you have the amazing opportunity to build yourself up again, filtering what wasn’t working and welcoming what does.
Sunshine, couldn’t agree more. Beautifully said 🙂
Everything you just wrote I once wrote to myself. I never shared it but I am glad you did. Its incredible to know how deep we really are. I think in the whole “black hole” era or what I called “The darkness” I realized how deep as humans we are. How spiritual and connected we are. For about 4 or 5 months I woke up the same way, with “the darkness:…. but after practicing exactly what you did, a morning came when I was just able to get up. It was hard right? probably the toughest of tasks I have ever completed but now looking back I realized how much we can learn about ourselves and continue growing, even when you feel like youre never going to make it out. Thanks for this. and for anyone who is reading this and feels like youre stuck in the darkness, persevere… youre almost out.. because YOU will get out. You have the power to get out.
That’s great to hear, Chelsea! Thanks for your comment 🙂
Yes! so hard, but it makes you feel so proud of your perseverance and effort, right? To think of how much you can do for your own well being is amazing, to KNOW that it’s actually only in your hands is a frighting but empowering idea. But, we all have that ability, we just have to go through whatever process life throws at us because everything we live is meant exactly for each one of us, to strengthen and transmit all the positiveness that arises and grows inside, once we are able to pull ourselves out of the darkness 🙂 Thanks for sharing, Claudia.
I cried a lot yesterday, I felt, usseless, trash, like a non valuable person for the same reason, I felt alone, abandoned. Thank you, this was like a second breath for someone that didn´t wanted to live anymore.
You’re amazing! Thank you for being you!
My eight year relationship just ended and I’ve been struggling so much to take that first step. Thank you for sharing these few steps to start the healing process. I couldn’t have read this at a better time in my life!
Thank you for this article, it was great and insightful! I do have a question. I’m having a hard time reconciling wanting to be in a romantic relationship and this article. For example, I would be okay without my friends and family but they add a lot much to my life. Right now, I’m okay with being single because I do have fun and do fun things on my own but being in a relationship would add a lot to my life: that romantic love, children, and someone to help in those times I need help but my family or friends are not available. What are your thoughts?
I felt the same way. I thought that I had found this woman who was “the one”. She didn’t think that much of me, but she didn’t want to let me go, either. It ended with her belittling me, and me worshipping her. It was hard for me to separate from her. It was like ripping a person out of your chest without killing yourself in the process. Anyway… I liked your post. It was kooky and free spirited. I don’t think I can go as far as to write love letters to myself, but the other tips were very helpful. I think I appreciate what I have a lot more now.
Hello Sun, I’m not entirely sure I understand your question… I believe that everything comes to you on it’s own. If you are looking for someone to start a relationship with, I’m sure that person will show up at the right time, when you least expect it, and that non-expectance will make things flow magically. You can concentrate meanwhile on yourself and allow the universe to do what it does best 🙂
That’s wonderful Tim, I’m happy to know that sharing my story can help shed some clarity to whoever needs it. Thank you!
Truly, I do understand what you have been through.
I needed to read this today. Going through a troubling time myself, and feel as if my self worth is nothing. Thank you for this.
Almost the same situation. Write it is very helpfully. Gracias y saludos.
thank you so much ,
Thank you alot for sharing! reminds me of how beautiful there is of life for us to unveil ..I have been in that position and I dont wish it for anyone else..I wish you plenty of happiness.. Love is what got me through..You become more overwhelmingly loving to everything around you..I hope for the best for all of you , all of us ..Stay hopeful ..Much Peace and Love
Thank you for sharing your story! It is very inspiring! I have a bit of of a different story, but somewhat similar. I’ve been through more than I thought possible, as far as family loss/health-decline & more, and it’s truly more than I could have ever imagined happening (especially all at once). I feel like my emotions have been, as I perceive, a burden on my Husband. I feel bad already and now I feel even more bad, because I feel like I’ve been so emotional around my Husband. He is a really amazing guy, but I fear I’m pushing him away, because I haven’t been quite “myself” lately….,maybe a bit depressed (unfortunately). I know he loves me, but what I’m going through has made me a bit different than normal and I guess I just worry about it…I used to be more of a strong person.
Refreshing admission. I enjoyed it and it’s made me think of what I need to do for myself.
I wish we could have kept each other company during this process- or maybe we still can! I dealt with the end of a 16 year relationship this past year. Being on my own for the first time as an adult has been shocking and traumatic. But I’ve actually been practicing some of the same habits as you have- gratitude, and trying to sit and be with the pain rather than running from it and trying to distract myself. Like, right now I feel uncertainty and vulnerability, and am tempted to tell myself stories about the future. But I don’t know the future, and those stories take me out of being here now.
I hope I can make it through what has been the hardest time of my life, and I hope you can too.
Welcome to enlightenment!!!! Your an amazing woman!
Hi @lizode:disqus, we can, for sure. Gratitude saves lives. I get those temptations more often than I’d like to admit… but you’re totally right, it takes us out of being right here right now, and that’s the only real thing of value. Thank you for sharing, getting these reminders is key to our daily well being.
Easy to say when you’ve been in a relationship before and you know that it’s possible for someone to love you. I’ve probably been through all of these steps before, but when you’ve been single for as long as you have lived, you eventually realise that none of this shit is getting you anywhere. There is clearly something very wrong with me (hint: It’s the fact that I’m trans) and I really am simply not good enough.
What if I have help back my love afraid to share who I am? What if we don’t have enough joyful memories to keep us afloat because I didn’t open up more and more? What if I know I’m with a great person (he is not matter who he is with, i think) but I’m pushing him away? Did I not spend enough time alone before getting in a relationship? Why am i pushing away the very person who can challenge me, accept me and love me how I’ve always wanted?
This actually made me hate myself even more.
I feel this everyday, been in a really good relationship for 4 years but I’ve always had an immense black hole from my childhood. I’m always craving attention from my significant other but realistically she has so many responsibilities she can never/will never give me enough attention. That has led me to here. I knew there had to be something I could do on my own to help without being needy from her. I will take what you have said and try my best to apply it to my life and to help me stay out of trouble. I’ve notice when I feel I cannot get enough positive attention I subconsciously start to lead my life into a direction of negative attention because it’s easier and it works, but that’s not the life I want to live. I would rather suffer and try and receive positive attention occasionally rather than a life full of negative attention. It’s the only way.
You have a wonderful way with words and your incite to the human heart is a gift from god. Thank you so much for taking time to write this essay. It really helped me.
This is a very helpful piece. Time also heals but sometimes it doesn’t move fast enough and I’m very glad to find this article.
I needed to know I wasn’t alone. Thank you
Loved it! Thanks!