“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” ~Ann Landers
I fell in love for better or worse. First came the better and then the worst.
My prince charming, over time, became a raging alcoholic. I watched an amazing man become, well less amazing.
There are endless books and information you can read about addiction, but I am going to break the rule, skip to the end of those books, and tell you the ending—the solution. Spoiler alert!
Let go.
The most complex two words a person can say.
Odds are, the addictive (insert type of addiction here—can be drugs, sex, gambling; it’s all the same) personality type found you because you are a helper, better known in the addict world as an enabler.
When my alcoholic fell off the wagon, I read every book, attended AA and Al-Anon meetings, got several counselors, and was an active participant during one of his several trips to rehab. A star student.
With each fall, I designed and created a plan that would surely fix the problem. I was so well educated on the topic, I could have written a book myself, taught a class, or ran a meeting.
The problem was it was always my plan, not his.
When to let go?
Set boundaries.
When they are crossed, stick by the consequences you have predetermined. No more, “one more chance” scenarios. The boundaries need to be your boundaries. Some people will have a high level of tolerance, others will not. Set what you can live with and be happy.
For example, I had set a boundary of no legal issues. When that was crossed in the form of yet another DUI, it was time to file for divorce. Though it will not be easy, be prepared to follow through.
How do you let go?
Do the opposite of what comes naturally.
I was talking to my counselor and she said you are going to have to go against your gut to get this right.
I thought, you are crazy; I live and die by my gut feelings.
Then she the said words that would both sting and profoundly change my life. “You make the plans, you write the checks, you do all of it to make yourself feel better.”
She was right. I didn’t want to feel embarrassed, sick, or upset. I wanted the pain to go away and the healing to begin, and I wanted it to happen fast. Hadn’t we hit rock bottom?
Let them feel consequences of their actions.
Have a fine to pay? Pay it yourself.
You lose your driver’s license? Walk, ride a bus, or bike to where you need to go.
Need money for an attorney, or need to be bailed out of jail? Figure it out on your own.
Literally help them with nothing. Support, love, and encouragement are great, but stop there.
It is the most terrible and effective thing you, as a helper, can do—stop helping. If I had one regret it would be that I enabled him. I allowed him to not feel the consequences and robbed him of the opportunity to build his self-esteem through addressing his mistakes himself.
Educate yourself.
Even though you know the ending to the story and the secret has been revealed, there is a lot to be said about the journey.
I was in an Al-Anon meeting, and I listened as a beautiful, confident woman announced to the group she was going to go home and give her addict a piece of her mind, force him to stop, lay down the law. I thought, well that won’t work.
Then I realized, I was just like that woman. I had threatened, cried, yelled, and punished. It did not and would never work. I would learn more in those meetings than I ever believed possible.
So read the books, go to meeting, get that counselor, take the online course; it is worth the investment. One Ah-Ha moment can be life changing. I did the same for my children.
Build and use your circle of support.
I kept my addict’s secret. I felt I owed it to him to protect and defend his honor. There was some truth to that, but I was also protecting me.
Once I opened up about the issue, love, support, and some judgment came flooding in. Take what you need and leave the rest. You live with your decisions. The person giving you the advice does not.
Find the new you.
My life, my future everything was built around this man and the beautiful children we had created. When I accepted my reality had changed, I embraced it!
I began to build a new life, and dusted off some old dreams until they were new and shiny. I learned where the sprinkler control box was, unclogged the garbage disposal, and bought a step stool so I could reach anything I wanted, whenever I wanted. (He is 6’6” and I am 5’4”.) I hired a handyman. I asked for help, it almost killed me but I did ask and it did help. Create a life you can love!
—
I have and will always have compassion for addicts. It is my personal belief that it is disease. I often switch the word addict for cancer. You would most likely not be mad that friend of loved one had cancer, but you can be upset that they have opted to not follow any of the doctors orders.
The addict gets one day at time. So should you. There will be days you go backward and there will be days you make amazing leaps forward. In the end you will prevail.
About Adria Lopour
Adria Lopour, mother of three, business professional. Master’s degree in International Business. Email: Adria.Lopour@hotmail.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Adria,
Great article. Thank you for sharing your story and these words of wisdom. Having been involved with an addict, I can especially relate to the “one more chance” phenomenon. It is particularly hard to let go when, in its higher-functioning moments, the relationship or partner has so much “potential.” I used to set my life according to potential, but being with an addict taught me that potential is merely a sign that what I really want is not there–duh! It was so hard to let go but the eventual outcome has been a clearer sense of when to say, “Not my circus; not my monkeys!” and move on. Hard to do when raised on a steady diet of mythical transformation (read: fairytales). Humans are not kitchens and bathrooms–they cannot be remodeled to meet our specifications. The love of another human cannot change another person. The essence of love is acceptance of ourselves and another, which sometimes means we have to let them go. I applaud you for getting that ladder, finding that sprinkler box, and building a life that makes sense to YOU!
Blessings,
Jill
My late sweetheart was an alcoholic. I did not even realise how bad his illness was until he went into hospital with alcoholic hepatitis. When he came out he was different, he was in a world of his own, angry and rude and would say nasty things. I think, although don’t know for sure, that the doctors told him his liver was too badly damaged and he was dying. I told him I loved him six months before he died and he pushed me away, he could not handle this. He was emotionally shut off from everyone. I think he was angry at himself and scared and took his feelings out on me, his friend and family. His friend told me after that Brian did not understand why I loved him and cared about him as he did not think he was worth anything. He sadly passed away last year of liver failure and I never got to say goodbye or tell him how much he meant to me. Its been a year now since he died of this terrible illness and I still love him and miss him every single day. I cannot imagine loving anybody else. I miss him so much.
Beautiful post!!!! Thank you for sharing your experience! I love your conclusion/wrap up, profound!!! 🙂
Thanks for this important article, Adria. I think that there are far too many people out there who have to deal with addiction and addicts.
There is one thing I’d like to add, which is in my eyes at the basis of the points you’ve made: The fact that we all have to learn to stop controlling what is out of our control. We can’t control addictive behavior of others. And this we have to learn to accept. Yes, we can help them, support them, be there for them, give suggestions. But what they do with this is totally out of our control.
Thanks again!
I think you hit the nail on the head with this article, Adria. I applaud your efforts and the fact that you’ve now shared what you did with others.
My ex-boyfriend (still a close friend) is an alcoholic – sober for just about 20 years now. In fact, I met him long after he stopped drinking. I asked him what led him into rehab and recovery. It was a combination of factors, but importantly, his ex-wife started to attend Al-Anon meetings and learned about the concept of letting go with love. She learned to stop enabling his behaviors, much as you described, and created a way of life for her and the kids that was not built around his drinking. She did this with love and caring. The changes, though subtle, were enough to make him uncomfortable. This combined with a couple of other life events, convinced him that a change was in order. With her support, he began his recovery.
Interesting side note. Once sober, he was much more aware of how his wife was running their household, managing their money and disciplining their children. He did not like what he discovered. Through his drinking he had given her all his power, by default. When he became involved, he learned that they were not on the same page. She did not appreciate his input and disagreed with his ideas. After several attempts at counseling, they divorced. He told me that based on what he heard in AA meetings, more often than not, when one partner gets sober, the marriage falls apart. Kind of makes sense if the relationship was based on the dynamics of dis-ease. Hope this reality can serve to alleviate regret felt by those who left loved ones who would not stop their addictive behaviors. There is no guarantee of a fairy tale ending even if the loved one becomes “sober'”.
Recent events in my life with my husband have forced me to face a precipice and in my mind I know I need to just find the courage to let go. Most of my fear comes from within myself. When you live in someone else’s world you do lose yourself…you lose sight of your strengths, your ability to live life on your terms, to even have your own dreams and the inner motivation to move forward. You are in a constant and exhaustive state of reacting. I was thrust out of our action/reaction/threat/no consequence cycle when after years of alcohol issues, then Ritalin, constant lying, irresponsibility with money, lack of motivation within his career (which we all depended on and I ended up managing…bad move) it moved to finding requests for sexual acts via Craigslist, texting escorts and creating a profile on an adult friend finder site. Now my struggle is with myself. Am I strong enough? Can I do this on my own? Without his issues to fill my days, can I face my own life and be ok with trying and failing at things in order to grow in ways that I have allowed this relationship to stunt me? It is articles like this that give me little nuggets of power that allow me to face my reality. I am taking everything hour to hour, journaling, giving myself room for emotional flow.
You are so spot on! I needed to let go in many places…it really is freeing!
A good book is Co-dependent No More…my favorite saying was something like: you think you cant do it alone but you already are’. You can recover quickly my friend and make up for lost time.
That is very fair insight. I feel somewhat responsible for ‘helping’ so much, I believe it MAY have changed the outcome.
Thank you for the response!
I am so sorry for your loss. I do hope they someday find a cure. He knows how much you loved him!
Very very well said! thank you!
My husband and I were together 16 12 years; married 8 12 years. He was always a beer drinker however after changing jobs almost two years ago, he started drinking heavier and turned to vodka. He went to detox, outpatient, and inpatient rehab; none helped. When he broke his ribs because he was so drunk and I told him if I didn’t file for divorce that I would be a bad mother, he stopped drinking on his own for 4 months than started drinking again for about 3 weeks than stopped for about a month but started again. He was taken by ambulance 3 times because of alcohol and charged with public drunkenness twice. His drinking affected everyone in our home; which included our daughter who was 3 at the time this started. My breaking point was when he was found unresponsive sitting in our vehicle in the middle of the street across from our home on Easter Sunday 2013 (the responding police officer never charged him with a DUI even though she told me that she was). His BAC was .5. I told him that he needed to move out and get himself together. He moved out, was bad for a few weeks but sobered up for a bit than relapsed. He played the victim when he talked to people. He lied so much, they were like secondhand to him. He lost two jobs in a year. He continued to drink heavy, went through alcohol withdrawal over Christmas 2014 in front of us and was taken by ambulance for the fourth time (the third time that our daughter seen), was in the Cardiothoracic ICU for 10 hours because of his heart. Was told that he was at high risk for a stroke, needed to take blood thinners, heart medicine and quit drinking. He didn’t pay much attention to this. He continued to drink after being released from the hospital even though he told me that he didn’t want to die, that what he went through scared him, and he didn’t want to go through it again.
At the age of 42, he passed away however the cause of his death is unknown right now.
I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses for him, but I believe his problem was due to abuse he suffered as a child, he talked about this often when he drank vodka. I don’t know what triggered the memories when he changed jobs. He just didn’t want to get help working through this plus he had so much anger towards his parents and brothers that he couldn’t let it go and ultimately controlled his future.
I just couldn’t have it in our home anymore. I hated the situation; loved him but hated that he wasn’t fighting to come back to us.
Thank you Adria for sharing this. I went through this journey and really how it feels. While I was in the midst of emotional confusion and pain and desperately searching for a solution / answer, the ‘Ah-ha’ moment came… that was when I realised that I have been the ‘sucker’ in that relationship. I pulled the plug. It was painful and fearful decision, I was really angry at myself, it was a hard time for me to learn to acknowledge the facts and to take baby steps to forgive myself for allowing such an abusive relationship to go on…
Compassion is a positive quality but the most important person yourself: Be Compassionate To Yourself. With that we have clear well-intentioned boundaries with others, even family members.
“. . . potential is merely a sign that what I really want is not there–duh! . . . ”
LOVE this! Thank you!