“Time and good friends are two things that get more valuable the older you get.” ~Unknown
In recent years, we’ve collectively been talking a lot about creating boundaries and letting go of things that no longer serve us. Many of us have gotten better at permitting ourselves to say no and to escape old habits and routines. We’re also more open about our choices to reject people and places that exude bad vibrations or bad energy.
I love that we’re becoming more conscious of the universe that’s always changing all around us. Together, we’re acknowledging the power we have to make mindful decisions that resonate with our higher selves. That’s what it’s all been about, right?
Maybe not quite.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how this evolution on the focus of “self” is affecting everyone and everything else.
While we’re busy setting boundaries against the world, are we forgetting to establish boundaries with ourselves? And when we are actively avoiding places with bad vibes, are we considering the energy we bring into spaces?
While we’re working on finding inner balance, are we leaving behind the people that depend on us for stability? And while we’re off becoming who we’re meant to be, are we selectively excluding parts of our reality?
Think about it.
You can love the vibes of your favorite studio, but if you show up five minutes late, after frantically running in from the subway, you shift the energy of the entire room.
Or, in another example, you may feel empowered by a boundary you set with someone, but what if the person on the other end doesn’t understand why?
You can be in the process of becoming your best self, but are you also still honoring your relationships and responsibilities? Are you still honoring the world that gives you the space to breathe?
What we need to avoid, quite frankly, is becoming spiritually selfish.
True, when we show up for ourselves, we’re better at showing up for others, but we can’t forget to notice how we show up in the meantime.
Of course, we must have an understanding of how we feel through developing self-awareness. It’s also vital we retain an awareness of how we make others feel.
Yes, we must focus on what’s happening in our inner world with more compassion, but that doesn’t mean dismissing what’s happening in the world around us. We must learn how to find stillness in our chaos, but it’s just as imperative that we are not causing any chaos ourselves.
I’ve loved my spiritual journey, and I’ve found a lot of value in exploring the confines of what I didn’t think was possible while keeping an open mind to what more there could be.
I’ve become more grounded by taking the time to get to know the edges of myself. And I’ve learned to alchemize my vulnerability to help me move toward my potential. Even still, I’ll admit I’ve probably been selfish in the process of my enlightenment.
While I’ve been working on self-care, self-love, and self-awareness, I’ve probably ignored a few calls I should’ve made, plans I shouldn’t have changed, and relationships I should’ve maintained better.
I’ve heard from many spiritually minded folks that the journey toward becoming your highest self does often get lonely. Relationships dwindle. Priorities change.
The idea is that, once you become more aware of yourself, you’ll attract more of what truly resonates with you into your life. Be it friends, jobs, romantic partners—the more connected you are with yourself, the more connected you’ll be to the magnetic pull of destiny.
And yet there’s something to be said of living too deeply in our heads.
Yes, we should prioritize our well-being and align our actions with the truth inside of us. Yes, we should take the time to get to know ourselves and extract barriers. Yes, we should commit to our purpose and reject experiences that hinder us.
But there’s a balance to be found between awakening spiritually and living in reality. We can’t use spirituality as an excuse to avoid things that we can’t face. We can’t use spirituality as a reason to dismiss people without compassion.
We can’t use spirituality to justify falling off the face of the earth because we’re discovering our inner world. We can’t use spirituality to rationalize ignoring everything that helped us arrive at this turning point.
I am all about balancing our chakras, but I am also all for balancing our lives. And all I mean by this is, we can’t become so absorbed as seekers that we forget to see what and who has been there for us before our search began.
I’ve been told this road gets lonely, but I refuse to believe that’s the only truth.
If this resonates with you, then I ask you: bring others with you. Show others your way while listening to theirs. Build a community around what people believe. Honor those who don’t see the way you do, but still see them as who they are to you. Share, engage, and let the world in while you try to figure out what world you want to live in.
Start to notice how you show up. Become aware of how your presence impacts the spaces you enter. Be mindful of the connection outside of the one you have with the universe. There’s no reason that our spiritual awakening should be a one-lane road. Let’s build bridges so others can follow or at least visit if they want to.
Above all else, remember that while we focus on the self, we can’t just forget about everyone else.
About Sonya Matejko
Sonya Matejko is a writer, yoga teacher, and communications consultant living in New York City. She’s on a mission to help people express and empower themselves mentally, physically, and spiritually. By embracing vulnerability, Sonya hopes to move people toward their highest potential. Learn more about her work: www.sonyamatejko.com or follow her on Instagram @aforceofnurture.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Great Article
I wonder if part of the difficulty is mistaking self comfort for self care… and add to that the challenge of the practice of detachment which can lead to indifference instead of engagement with life.
Read the following the other day which I think fits:
“The artist gives expression to a gift that has come to them. Sometimes, however, an artist becomes so enraptured by the creative plunge, that you might say “life drops off” this is one of the problems in yoga also. When illumination hits, life drops off, and you can’t get back. That’s the effect that follows one who is an artist but had not gotten the realization into his or her life. – Joseph Campbell
Campbell suggested that the hero journey requires coming back from that moment of illumination and bringing it forward into the engagement with Life as it Is.
Beautifully written, thank you so much for this Sonya! It’s been a dilemma of mine, I somehow cannot find peace in setting healthy boundaries for myself because of the guilt and fear of causing pain to others. It’s good to be reminded to always be compassionate and kind to yourself and others.
This!!!!! So, so good! Thank you for writing this.
It is amazing how too many people focus too much on themselves that they have lost their humanity or never had any humanity in the first place because they were so self-absorb on only themselves.
There is no comfort in being alone would anyone chose it? That is the only option some people feel like they have. I think the writer is naive to that feeling and reality.
I engaged for 25 years and forced myself to see flowers and rainbows instead of what was really going on. I only found bliss when i stopped lying to myself. You have no idea how much engaged and looked for the best in people. I cannot believe how much that ruined me. What do you care that a girl lives in solitude for art and drops off to find peace?? I have fought so many battles all i want is to be done.
I can only talk to my own experience where being ‘engaged in life’ has been a struggle. After being hurt and disappointed my tenancy is towards self comfort instead self care, meaning I runway from life instead of engaging it or perhaps a better word participating. I spent years looking away from life and pretending where honest engagement with ‘Life as it is’ does not involve pretending or forcing.
There is nothing wrong with solitude or dropping away, there is a time for all things, and Art is an excellent path to participation with life and discovering bliss. Such a path will likely lead to unexpected openings. Would you walk through…
I ask myself that everyday, and if I’m honest, the answer is almost always a big No. As I close the doors its becoming more difficult to pretend that the ‘peace’ I have is really peace at all.
After reading posts for some times about being bold and setting boundaries etc this is just the article I wanted to see to balance both sides and show some clarity. I feel setting boundaries is important, but as you say, to do so with compassion. I would like to think of myself of a good person who helps as much as I can when I can. I have always had good boundaries set up for myself and never really had an issue of saying no to people. I would be a people pleaser to a point, but I have always been someone who has been able to politely say no when I want. I have always been a social outcast and find it extremely difficult to make friends and maintain relationships and feel that is the main reason I am assertive as it is a form of protection.
I really saw myself in this article. In the beginning of my journey to self-love, -care, -awareness, and still now, I realize I’ve shut down to the world around me. Everything I do I do it for myself, I never do it for others. I never think about how important or decisive my advice or help is for someone who asks me a bit of my time, especially if this person is a stranger, or close to being one. I haven’t been considerate and many times I’ve been straight up mean and indifferent to family and friends.
I was a people pleaser for a long time and I noticed how family (especially) and some friends would take advantage of the fact that I always complied to what they said and never raised conflict in our relationship. Some were even manipulative. I failed myself in the past and I don’t want to do it again. I feared that if I looked to others I would lose myself again, so I tried to make it all about me.
Recently I had a conversation with a dear student and friend about this, and it struck me. When someone asks for my time or a favor, I don’t think that this is important to them, only about how doing this will take me time from myself and even could take me away from me. An automatic reaction which leads me to overthink whether I should help this person or not. Even if it’s small favors or if I have a lot of spare time.
But now I know that giving a little of me to others doesn’t mean I’m neglecting me completely. I realize it’s even fulfilling and nice to help others ease their worries or achieve their goals, because we do it together.
And I know I love myself enough and am aware enough to be able to help others or be with others without losing myself. I know that if I needed some time from someone or just cut ties with them, I’d be assertive and compassionate enough to make my point while still loving this person and wishing them the best.
With these insights, I’ll try to go out of my head more and become a part of humanity as I am of the universe.