“Don’t trade your authenticity for approval.” ~Unknown
As a nice person, I am often conflicted because sometimes I don’t enjoy being nice. Sometimes I act nice out of moral obligation or because I’m trying to be consistent with my perceived identity.
Do you view yourself as “nice”? Do others describe you as “nice”? Do you always enjoy being “nice”? If you are unsure how you are perceived by others, ask friends and family to describe you.
I’ve been told how nice I am all my life, by family, friends, coworkers, and even bosses. It was a huge part of my personal identity. When you have a perceived identity of who you are, you’ll unconsciously adjust your behaviors to reflect that identity. For me, that meant being nice and acting like a nice person, even if it wasn’t what I wanted.
Here are some questions to help you identify if you have any conflicts with being nice:
* Do you do nice things when you really don’t want to?
* Do others take advantage of your niceness?
* Have you experienced social pressure to be nice, especially as a woman?
* Are you a pushover? Are you a people-pleaser?
* Do you ever get upset, frustrated, or resentful when you are nice?
* Do you sometimes feel like your niceness is not really you?
* Is being nice at the top of your self-identity list?
* Do you ever experience conflict between your nice identity and your other identities such as achiever, assertive, or leader?
* Do you sometimes not feel proud of being nice?
If your answered yes to any of these questions, then continue reading.
What does “being nice” mean to you?
One day someone asked me this question. It was very relevant to me since I have tried to act nice for most of my life despite experiencing several of the conflicts listed above.
I developed three questions to help me define “being nice” in my own terms:
- Who is your “nice” role model, and do you want to be like them?
- What other words describe being nice to you?
- Should you act or be nice?
First question: Who is your “nice” role model, and do you want to be like them?
When I picture the extreme “nice,” I see Mother Theresa of Calcutta. She was a nun and missionary who lead several organizations to help very poor and sick people. Her charities worked with counselling groups, orphanages, schools, mobile clinics, and people with HIV, tuberculosis, and leprosy across the world.
She was also criticized for the poor medical care in her organizations, for her stance against abortion and contraception, and her belief in the importance of suffering. She wasn’t agreeable nor compassionate all the time.
Though I really admire her life’s work, I certainly am not and don’t want to be like Mother Theresa of Calcutta. I enjoy comfort, I am not selfless, and I don’t want to spend my days working with the dying.
Second question: What other words describe being nice to you?
Once we define “nice” in a way that resolves the conflicts from the questions above, we can find our own definition of being nice while still staying true to who we really are.
Is being nice the same as being kind? Generous? Giving? Non-judgmental? Empathetic? Respectful? Selfless? Polite? Caring? Passive? Friendly? Likable? Compassionate? Considerate? Generous? Here are some definitions as per google dictionary to reflect on:
* Nice: pleasant; agreeable, satisfactory
* Kindness: the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate
* Considerate: careful not to cause inconvenience or hurt to others
* Caring: displaying kindness and concern for others
* Polite: having or showing behavior that is respectful and considerate of other people
* Respect: due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others
* Selfless: concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one’s own
* Passive: accepting or allowing what happens or what others do, without active response or resistance
* Friendly: kind and pleasant
* Likable: pleasant, friendly and easy to like
* Empathetic: showing an ability to understand and share the feelings of another
* Compassionate: feeling or showing sympathy and concern for others
* Generous: showing a readiness to give more of something, as money or time, than is strictly necessary or expected
* Courtesy: the showing of politeness in one’s attitude and behavior toward others
* Non-judgmental: avoiding moral judgments (having or displaying an excessively critical point of view)
I decided that I don’t want to be pleasant and agreeable all the time. I want to be free to dissent, to challenge the mass opinion, and to be authentic.
For me, being nice is about having respect. It is about having consideration for other people’s opinions, feelings, desires, and rights while still remaining respectful to myself. I can be respectful of others and myself at all times and still feel authentic.
I can respectfully disagree. I can respectfully take care of my own needs. I can respectfully assert myself. I can respectfully listen and interact. I can respect differences. I can practice respect in almost any situation.
But I can’t and won’t always be selfless, generous, likable, empathetic, compassionate, friendly, non-judgmental, caring, kind, nor polite. I may choose to do so in certain situations when it is congruent with my authentic self, but I won’t commit to doing it all the time. You shouldn’t have to deny your own needs nor your interests to be nice.
Third question: Should you act or be nice?
There is also a difference between displaying concern for others and being concerned for others. You can be concerned and not display it, and you can also force yourself to display concern but not be concerned. But you can’t force yourself to be concerned when you aren’t. The same way you can’t force yourself to feel and be nice if you’re not.
When you act nice and don’t mean it, you are inconsistent with who you are at the core. That is hard to sustain for long periods of time. And eventually it erodes trust with others.
You are human, and therefore you are entitled to have flaws and to not be a spiritual hero. You are entitled to be nice on some days and not nice in others. You are entitled to your needs and desires. You are entitled to put yourself first, to not be generous when you don’t want to be generous, and to not be likable when it doesn’t feel right, as long as you do it without disrespecting others.
Find your real definition of nice. It shouldn’t feel hard, forceful, or negative. Remember that even your role models were not nice, caring, and selfless with everyone at all times. Examine what makes sense for you in most situations. Don’t define your fixed identity with occasional behaviors. It will only confuse you, reduce your self-confidence, and reduce the real impact that you can bring to the world.
About Ivna Curi
Ivna Curi is the founder of AssertiveWay.com. She is an advocate for confident, candid, and caring conversations. She empowers professionals to be confident and assertive to reveal their greatness, embrace their ambitions, and contribute their unique impact to the world. Sign up for a free course on how to be assertive, say no, speak up, create boundaries and express yourself effectively at AssertiveWay.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
I believe (and there is science to back this up) that humans are born with a certain amount of empathy. The scale goes from super Empath- a person who mentally and physically feels other people’s feelings, and Sociopath – a person who feels no empathy at all. This idea helps me to accept people as they are. Interestingly the scale seems to apply to political parties, which also helps me accept people as they are. I’ve spent years studying empathy to understand myself. I am very much towards the empath end of the scale. I have always been concerned with others welfare and happiness. I’ve always been willing to help those who have troubles. It’s OK to accept yourself for wherever you fall on the scale. There are ‘nice’ sociopaths (that takes self-actualization on there part). As you have well noticed, people notice this and are very willing to become ‘energy vampires’ and suck the life out of you. If you are to ‘nice’ you allow the control to shift to the vampire. I go by the ‘fair but firm’ axiom. I’m more than willing to help them and then teach them to help themselves but I no longer let anyone take advantage of me. I had one person who I was helping say ‘I don’t want to take advantage of you’ expecting me to say ‘Oh that’s OK’. Instead I said ‘ I will not let you’. He was taken aback and then understood that I had my limits. My help is always a gift. Nothing is ever expected in return. Great, very thoughtful piece!! Thanks
I have a problem with me being kind.. I met so far two person which I really can’t stand and what’s worse I see them kind of often (one I work with and with another we have the same friends). They both are nice to me but being with them longer make me literally .exhausted. I’m trying answer their questions and be polite but inside I really want to ignore them or be sarcastic or say something really bad. I think the best solution would be to avoid people who don’t fit to me but when it’s not so easy I’m still searching where is that golden mean.
I agree with some of your advice which deeply resonates with me, but overall I respectively feel this article was a little hard hitting. It touched upon some important points especially not being a pushover etc. It’s good that you understand that you are not cut out to be a Mother Theresa type. I think you should be true to yourself but not look out for yourself 100perct of the time.
What an interesting perspective on the empathy spectrum! The term ‘energy vampires’ really resonates with me because our energy is the main resource we give away. I find that even ‘nice’ people can become ‘energy vampires’ if we let them. What an unexpected and firm answer ‘I will not let you’, and you really didn’t! Great little story! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Remember sociopathic personality D/o folks do not have the capacity for self actualization. If they show “nice” it is only to get their own needs met.
Hi Gomek, thanks for your perspective! I do think we can look out for ourselves and look out for others at the same time. And yes I agree that looking out for ourselves 100% of the time wouldn’t be great. It would be exhausting. I believe there are some triggers, usually negative emotions, that allow us to know when we ought to look out for ourselves. Other than those moments, we can just be ourselves, enjoy life and serve others.
Hi Pam, thank you for your comment and sharing your challenge. That is certainly difficult. You probably don’t want to hurt their feelings or look insensitive. If these people make you exhausted and irritable then they are not a good fit for your precious time. Imagine if your presence around them makes them exhausted? And both you and them are trying to be nice to each other to not hurt feelings, and that everyone would be better off not spending time with each other. That is a scenario that is entirely possible. Ok, here is a golden mean idea: what if when you meet them you limit the time you have with them. You can say “I’d love to chat and hang out but I only have 10 min.” or “it was great to chat with you but I got to go now.” Smile and be nice as you say it. That way you are polite but exit quickly. Learn a few ways to exit a conversation politely. It will serve you well.
Great point Susan on the sociopaths fake “nice” and we need to look out for those. I relate more to the high empathy type like Jim. My “nice” is usually from my heart but sometimes if feels like obligation.
I used to try to please others, so much so that I would lose my identity by trying to be who I thought “they” wanted me to be. This adversely impacted my overall health and wellbeing. So grateful to, at last, be well physically. emotionally and spiritually. I am honest with myself and others, no longer afraid of showing them who I am, stating my heartfelt feelings and beliefs.