“Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.” ~Unknown
How many of us have caught ourselves feeling as though we’re imposters when we’re trying to talk about a difficult situation in a positive light? We’re often fed the idea that how we feel is in how we decide to see life, which, I agree with; however, sometimes I think that idea gets taken to a deceptive extreme.
In the midst of one of my mini-meltdowns the other day, I called my friend and told her what had been going on in my head the last few months.
“It’s sounds as though you have some shame issues with your experience. It’s okay to admit that you’re disappointed and angry. You need to allow yourself to accept it. It’s the first step in healing…” my friend asserted as I was invalidating myself while I attempted to explain how I felt about the last year of my life.
“What a relief,” I thought to myself as she went back and validated every one of my thoughts and feelings.
Have you ever known something in the back of your mind, but you needed someone else to bring it to the front?
Any time I talked about my experience, I would always do my best to portray it in the best light possible. We’re supposed to be optimistic about how we see life and our experiences, right? The problem was that I was doing it at the cost of compromising the authenticity of my story.
I moved halfway across the nation, leaving behind my well paying (but miserable) job, friends, and family in search of finding work that filled instead of drained me. I accepted a one-year position as an intern counselor at a residential boarding school, working with adolescents coming from particularly challenging backgrounds.
I loved working with the students and learned invaluable lessons from them and their stories.
I hated constantly feeling as though I wasn’t (good) enough.
I poured everything I had into that year, and admittedly, there were definitely times I failed because I struggled to find the support I needed while carrying the weight of a massive life upheaval, trying to be “present” for my friends and family back home, and balancing helping to guide the students through their issues while trying to not retrigger my own.
Additionally, I couldn’t meet all the expectations coming from so many different people and places, so I did the best I could but it didn’t cover everything.
Though I would tell a friend that is all you can do and that is good enough, like so many others, I am my own worst enemy and consistently felt like a failure.
I returned to my home state feeling defeated not only regarding my performance at the school, but about returning without having found what I set out looking for.
I felt even more clueless and lost than before I left, and it was embarrassing. Who leaves everything behind looking for something, and then returns without it?
My friend continued to gently remind me that not everything is within my control when I’d protest saying things like, “but isn’t how we see life all about our perceptions? Aren’t we supposed to be able to go out and fix things if they aren’t filling our needs or change how we look at them?”
“So, it wasn’t what you were hoping it would be. That’s not your fault. You need to admit and accept that you feel the way you do, and it’s okay. Trying to cover up what’s really going on might be what’s holding you back from moving forward.”
Oh. Right.
When she said that it seemed like the most obvious thing in the world. It’s okay to say that there were some flaws with the program that had nothing to do with me. It’s okay that the experience wasn’t perfect. It’s okay that I wasn’t perfect.
I was trying so hard to always put a positive spin on my story that I wasn’t really telling my story anymore, and that subtle lie was corroding my own sense of self-worth.
All that said, I do believe in doing our best to “look at the bright side,” so to speak, but not before we can honestly assess our experience and accept how we really feel.
It’s only when we can be truly honest with ourselves about how we feel that we will be able to find the positive lesson, heal, and move on.
About Haiku Kwon
Haiku Kwon is an avid wanderluster who has been a barista, bartender, logistics specialist, yoga instructor, and counselor in her different lives that have taken her all over the world. She has yet to figure out what she wants to be when she grows up. You can follow her story at Life's A Risk... And I'm All In. She would love to connect with you on Facebook or Twitter.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you and Absolutely! Telling people that feeling bad is a choice will make them feel worse. There is nothing wrong with emotional pain, it is just like physical pain telling us something is wrong and needs to be attended to.
I appreciated your article this morning. Thank you. I am struggling with deciding to continue in a program or not. The program was something I had looked forward to for years, but I’ve spent many days in tears because of it. Your comment: “it wasn’t what you were hoping it would be, and that’s ok” is exactly what I needed to hear. I felt like a failure for not finishing what I started, but it really doesn’t make sense to throw away $10,000+ additional money on something that isn’t working. I just need to find another path for me. And that’s ok.
I think your friend is the most important part of this story. You’re fortunate to have someone to talk to about your feelings that doesn’t judge you or tell you to “just get over it.” I’d give anything to have a friend like that.
Thank you for this post. This resonates so much with me right now. Like you, I left everything behind in search of something else and went half the world to obtain it. Unfortunately, things didn’t work and I was forced to go back home, feeling like the biggest loser there is. I am now experiencing a relapse of depression and anxiety and I don’t get any understanding from friends or family, who all seem to think I should “get over it/get a grip” and that I’m just sad, while it’s difficult even to mask those feelings and go out and see people. I dread to walk out and bump into people I know because I have no strength left to pretend. Even my therapist thinks I moan too much and I should get a grip and cut it just like that (as if I want to be this way). Anyway, great read. Thanks once again and good luck!
Same boat as you. My brother told me to “just get over it” the other day. I think what’s important is that you don’t expect too much from people and you don’t rely on them to make you feel “good or successful” as well. You have to trust yourself and your feelings, because in the end loving yourself and accepting yourself is all that matters. Hopefully you’ll find that out soon enough.
In the process of finding myself atm, and this article is so true because I cant see finding myself without being true to myself.
I am in the same boat! It’s been a rough first semester as a first year graduate student and the past two weeks, I’ve been thinking whether or not this is the right path for me. I was at a constant battle with myself, wondering where my passion and motivation had gone. Did I put enough effort into seeing if this is what I want to do? The answer went back and forth… As the author mentioned, “It wasn’t what you were hoping it would be and that’s ok” conveys my acceptance that it simply isn’t the path I am meant to be on. And I feel so much better after accepting that I will find another path, whatever that is. Good luck on finding your path!
So true. I finally realized I had to let it be ok that I was frustrated. Sometimes we think we’re not allowed to acknowledge how we really feel about a situation, but I think that prevents us from being able to let go.
No joke. I’m incredibly blessed to have found such strong support at this point in my life. It wasn’t always that way… it makes me more grateful to have them now though.
Woah, I think maybe you need a new therapist… Sheesh. Be patient and gentle with yourself. My closest friends and family could tell you it’s been a huge struggle for me and I definitely have had to work out of feeling intensely depressed. I think the key is acknowledging how you truly feel, let it be ok, then direct your attentions to what you can do now instead of what you had originally planned. Good luck to you and please feel free to stay in touch!
“You have to trust yourself and your feelings, because in the end loving yourself and accepting yourself is all that matters.” So right.
This reminds me of the quote that says something about what ruins things is our idea of the way things are “supposed” to be… but there is no “supposed to be”- our lives can be whatever we decide to make them.
You are not a failure. You figured out what you don’t want and that’s important in figuring out what you DO want.
“I was at a constant battle with myself, wondering where my passion and motivation had gone.” I’ve spent a lot of time wondering that for myself, but in the last few months there have been little clues in unexpected places. Stay open because you never know what will pleasantly surprise you.
” I was at a constant battle with myself, wondering where my passion and motivation had gone.” I’ve spent a lot of time wondering that for myself… but over the last few months, I’ve found little clues in unexpected places. Stay open- you never know what will pleasantly surprise you.
I was going to reply to Haiku’s reply of my comment but then I saw yours and thought I would combine responses. What you describe is the problem with being labeled sick because of depression. There are times that yes, depression is so severe that it is an illness and I have been through that for years, but the notion that because you are melancholy means you are abnormal and sick is a damaging one. A book that changed my thinking immediately even though I am not even close to finishing it is The Mindful Way Through Depression by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, Jon Kabat-Zinn. They write – what if you aren’t actually sick? What if all you are being told is wrong and you simply are that way? What if all that psychology makes it worse? Those that have been through relapses know – that one moment or bad day and suddenly “oh no I am sick again. I have tried everything, I have tried a positive outlook. They say it is my choice to be happy or sad so I guess I failed. Again.” And the spiral begins again. Once I knew that things changed. I realised that if I was having a bad time, tomorrow wouldn’t be the same and I didn’t need pill because of a bad day. The comment about our society not allowing unhappiness is bang on. If one can’t be happy all the damn time then one is messed up, because it is so absolutely simple to be happy in world full of such pain, right? Even the Dalai Lama has do perform a daily practice to maintain equanimity. That’s phony and to be honest I don’t trust people who are “happy” and “positive” All.The.Damn.Time. Nor is denying our true feelings and thoughts authentic or helpful. Emotional and mental pain is the same as physical pain – it is there to tell us something is wrong, and to ignore that means we never determine the cause and it continues to affect us negatively. I equate it to the athlete who “tweaks” their knee, plays through the pain and later discovers they caused more damage. That is why I am a huge fan of regular CBT and journaling. In the age of 140 characters mantras have become the quick fix pill of our time, nothing but pop psychology platitudes by those that make a living off selling books.We have also embraced an all or nothing approach without the understanding of exceptions, “sometimes” and “not in every situation”. If anyone is a reader and hasn’t read these yet I recommend the the above mentioned book, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and pretty much anything by Paulo Coelho (although in this instance Veronika Decides to Die is the top rec). Those all deal with the struggle of being who we are, authentic and the challenges we face when being ourselves just doesn’t quite fit with the expectations we think other have. Throw in Karen Armstrong’s 12 Steps to a Compassionate Life to complement Mindful Way for learning how to forgive oneself.
I will do just that! Doing the little things like meditating and things that make you happy will help in keeping the mind open to those little clues… Things that happen unexpectedly are the best! But it takes patience and perseverance…
(smiling genuinely) Thank you!
Olafur Eliasson: The Weather Project. Turbine Room, The Tate Modern (2003)
Thanks for your reply and tips, Kevin, it truly means a lot. I tried different kinds of therapy throughout the years, including Gestalt and CBT, I’m now trying transactional analysis. I will def. check out the books you mention (and perhaps skip Coelho as I’m not too much of a fan to put it that way, but to each their own!). I am now in a very bad phase where even reading a blog, an article is a huge effort, my concentration is practically non-existent and I feel drained of energy all the time, but having people in the same boat sharing experiences and getting feedback from each other makes it a lot more bearable.
Btw, the “what if you’re not sick” argument is the first thing I discussed with my current therapist (only I did it the other way round, sort of). I said, because this has been going on and off for several years now, I really hope it’s not some inherent flaw in my character, in my personality, because in that case it means I cannot overcome it/get better, because it will get me and stay with me forever. So I told her I want to see it as an a temporary abnormality/broken part of me that needs healing. I guess there’s many ways to see it/treat it and I’m willing to try different approaches and hear different opinions.
Haiku, thanks for your reply, getting all the feedback makes me feel less alone in this struggle, it is greatly appreciated. This is my third therapist already and living in a small town atm, I’m afraid my options are limited in that department but I’m doing what I can to help myself (among other things, by reading useful things here). I know what you mean, last time was horrible, I was crying non-stop and the panic attacks made it impossible to leave the house at all for several months. This time the paralysing fear is less present (though I feel anxious all the time and sometimes cannot sleep at all), I think what’s keeping me down is the fact that it’s a relapse, that I have failed the last time, and that makes my hopes and self-esteem diminish greatly.
Thanks for your reply, T. What you said is very true. Even when you’re having the worst phase, you instinctively feel there is a part of you that is unharmed, whole, the one that still wants to go on, but cannot find a way out, it feels as though it’s just within your reach, but still so elusive… This is why (for me, at least), the “get over it” and “if you really wanted to get out of it, you’d JUST do it instead of finding excuses” feel particularly hurtful and offensive and are only counterproductive.
Good luck on your journey, T, you’re on the right track!
Love this! More than once I have felt divorced from my actual experience and feelings in the name of being positive and always regretted dividing myself from my self. Happy to know I’m not the only one and pleased to hear the encouragement to acknowledge what I am actually experiencing and feeling–in a word it feels liberating.
I’m a firm believer of accept the truth of things. I feel it the only way you can change it. When you convince yourself that it’s something it’s not, you become content with it. Therefore you don’t recognize the opportunity to do something about it.
Accept it for what it is, then you can adjust things for a different result.
~Lea
Thank you for this =)
I’ve been feeling such a failure, since I returned back after moving countries to ‘start anew’ with a new partner, I thought it would work out (yep, it was supposed to) and I’ve been so hard on myself that it has ‘crippled’ me. My arthritis is suddenly worse. I feel every ache and pain and I’ve been looking at myself as an old woman (51) and damn it I’m not!!
Today I finally realised I didn’t fail, it took strength to leave my family, my job, my life and be with him in his world. Okay, things still need to sort themselves out, but you know what? I’m tired of trying to sort everything out so I keep everyone else happy and myself miserable.
So, I’ve just had a job interview for a new position and if I’m successful maybe just maybe it’ll be ‘his’ turn to move countries if it is to last…if not…well I still didn’t fail. And I’ll keep reminding myself of that everyday…”I didn’t fail…it is all a part of my journey”
Thank you again, I cried buckets but am so relieved now =)
Hi Janet- good luck with the job! I guess part of what I didn’t mention in this story is that a big reason I returned to my home state instead of heading to another state is because of my boyfriend. Everything with him has been pretty awesome- but sometimes I get caught up in the other details (job, how my story went instead of how I thought it should go, etc). In cases like ours, it’s important to remember why we moved and ask if it was worth it… For me, it has been very worth while. 🙂
“I’m a firm believer of accept the truth of things. I feel it the only way you can change it. ” True of so many things….
You’re definitely not the only one. 🙂 Totally does feel liberating… it’s funny how we want to acknowledge how we really feel, but sometimes it takes someone else to remind us that it’s ok.
🙂
Hi,
I’ve really enjoyed reading this post as it is so honest and so true to life. And yes, I completely agree that the motto “be positive” has now become such a dogma that we end up using it againts ourselves be denying what is going on and invalidating our experience. I completely agree there is no healing without doing “the cleaning” first, that is, accepting whatever we are feeling and acknowledging it. Only in doing so we can look at what we really want and become more acceptant of life in general. Thank you!
Thank you for putting this out into the world. I needed to hear this.
Thank you for your post. It really resonates with me.
For what its worth, I think you’ve achieved much more than you realise. Many people would not have plucked up the courage or energy to go anywhere or try anything new. And many often look back in their lives and wonder ‘what if’. But you found the inner strength to move and face the uncertainty. That definitely counts for a lot. 🙂
Life is a journey of self-discovery and sometimes we beat ourselves up too much. I hope you feel better about things soon.
Hey Maria- thanks for reading and for your insightful thoughts. It’s funny how often we try to heal before we even see the wound.
…”I didn’t fail…it is all a part of my journey”
This!
totally a relieving lesson to learn 🙂
Thanks so much Ivy- day by day I’m learning to be more gentle and patient with myself.
Thank you for finding it. I’m glad it resonated with you- it helps to find others who are in similar boats 🙂
I completely agree with your point about journalling. I found it to be very therapeutic. In fact that’s what led me to start blogging which has pain even more transformational.
I do this too, always choosing positive words to tell my story. And my story is same as yours, I chose to leave a good paying job abroad and return home to find meaning in my life. But I am disappointed about the system here. Thank you so much for this…made me feel at home with my feelings. 🙂