“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” ~Maya Angelou
I remember first hearing these words in my early twenties. I heard them. I just didn’t follow them. Hence, I brought myself a whole lot of painful lessons and needless suffering because I always wanted to give people a second chance, and a third, and a fourth … You get the picture.
I was the girl who always saw the “potential” in people. The person they “could” be, with a little love and nurturing from yours truly. I considered myself to be one of the most loving, loyal, and big-hearted people out there. And besides, there were very few things I truly wanted that I went after and didn’t get.
I suffered many disappointments and even more heartbreaks because of this, both in friendships and romantic relationships.
I expected people to change just because I thought they should be or feel a certain way. But at that point in my spiritual journey, I hadn’t yet learned that everyone is on their own path, and sometimes their soul just isn’t in alignment with yours.
When I fell for some guy and had it made up in my mind that he was “it,” I made a lot of excuses for his behavior, which was never in alignment with what I was looking for. Well-meaning friends would warn me in the beginning: “He doesn’t sound like a good match for you. His behavior seems a little sketchy.” Did I listen?
No. My ego was way too big. Sure, I saw the behavior. I even saw the red flags. But I thought I was “different.” I was so special that I felt I could change that person… just by being wonderful, amazing me.
NOTE TO SELF: When people show you who they are, believe them the first time!
I married someone after seeing all the red flags in the very beginning. Behavior that didn’t add up to what I was being told, behavior in past relationships that was not filled with integrity. But there was so much about him that was good and pure, and the love and passion we had for each other was real and intense.
I truly believed that people could change. And they can. But more importantly I believed I was different, and that behavior would never exist again now that he was with me.
It should be no surprise that the marriage ended and was the most devastating and painful loss of my life. But that was the moment I started to live by Maya Angelou’s mantra.
The dating world after divorce is a lot of things—exciting, fun, scary, sometimes horrible, but most of all, a test. How much have you learned from your previous relationships? And what are you going to do differently this time around?
For me, I learned a lot, but I have blind spots. And comfort zones I fall into. I keep gravitating toward men that feel “like home,” except that home never made me feel good or secure in it and it was definitely a place I shouldn’t consider settling in long term.
Some warning signs I’ve finally learned to look for and walk away from:
- Lack of commitment to anything especially in relationships
- Not a great communicator
- Not being emotive with feelings
- History of cheating in past relationships
- Always looking for the “next best thing”
These are my red flags. Someone else’s may be completely different. But they are things I know just won’t work for me and will eventually lead to heartbreak.
What I tell friends when I see them falling into the same trap I often do is to ask themselves some key questions and to be rigorously honest:
- Is this person someone who embodies all the things that are important to you, or are you convincing yourself that you can change them? You can never change someone. Walk away.
- Are you attracting the same type of person you always do (the one who never works out for you and always leads to heartbreak)? If so, walk away.
- Does this person have all of the things that are on your “Essentials” List? Those are the things that are your “must haves” and are non-negotiable. For me, those are trustworthy, spiritual, a great communicator, and someone who is affectionate, loving, and expressive with their emotions. If this person doesn’t have your essentials, walk away.
The best advice I got just this week was from a friend who knows my journey well. He said, “You know what. Just recognize that you are finally learning what your heart truly wants and moving closer to that every day. You’re walking away from people who aren’t in alignment with your core values anymore.”
So yes, I’m learning. And I still have a ways to go. But I trust that the right one, the one who steals my heart for good, will show me how amazing he is for me…. the first time.
Quarreling couple image via Shutterstock
About Dina Strada
Dina Strada is a former Hollywood event planner, author, and intuitive coach specializing in relationships, healing, and empowering women. A former featured author and top writer for Elephant Journal, her work has also appeared in multiple online publications including Huff Post, Thought Catalogue, Elite Daily, The Good Men Project, Your Tango, Medium, Chopra, Simply Women, Rebelle Society, Tiny Buddha, and Thrive Global. You can connect with her at dinastrada.com
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I believed people can change. I saw the goodness within them. Sometimes, they’re putting on a performance, to where your kindness is taken for granted. It’s unacceptable to me. Unfortunately, honesty isn’t always the best policy.
Thank you, Dina, for sharing your story.
My pleasure LaTrice! Thank you for taking the time to read it.
Thank you for sharing that. I have also learned that lesson and I would add a quote (which I believe may be from Dr Phil) “the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour”.
one of my favorite quotes by Maya & i enjoyed the article. Thanks!
Thank you for sharing – I do the same thing. I’m now divorced from a narcissistic man who became verbally abusive. Even after this I made excuses for him…..but I finally saw the danger of this when I began thinking “I would be so angry if my daughters (I have two) were treated this way”. I then began to see my life and the role model I was providing in a much clearer light. Dating is still difficult for me – I’m still trying to remember to see the person for who they appear to be…..not what I want them to be.
Thanks for sharing Karen… I’m glad the article helped. That’s the reason I write. 🙂
So true! I love that one.
my story. im still trying to heal from being almost suddenly rejected as a partner and then even as a friend. it took me half a year, that I was being used and there were so many red flags from the way he broke up with and treated his ex girlfriend, the way he -didn’t deal- with conflict, even the ones caused by his behaviour, barely reflecting his own behaviour but trying to find blame outside. mostly me.
and I continued believing in his good sides. which is a good thing I thought, since I know that humans sometimes behave weird. it took so long that he didn’t care at all about my efforts accepting him as he was. and to realize he wasn’t willing to accept me how I was…
after trying to understand HIM, now I have to face and ask myself: why did I try so long for a love/ friendship that wasn’t meant to be? why did I let myself being rejected painfully so many times, yet tried to forgive instead of walking of walking away?
still trying to find the answer. and your article might just giving a hint … 😉
*to understand that I was being used..
Dating is a lot more complicated if you’re like me- someone who sees the good in people and can let it cloud your judgement. After being hurt a couple of times by people who’s red flags I ignored, I found my new outlook on things:
If someone is going to change, they are responsible for that change. Step back and look at their actions, not their words. The fact is that someone can write a romance novel’s worth of texts about how they feel about you, but it’s what they actually do that counts. I’ve had to call out men who talked and talked and never delivered, and while they were upset that I wasn’t happy with their lack of effort, it was freeing to know that I knew I deserved to be treated better.
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omg, this is a story of my last relation…and prevoius one…thank you for sharing this, I actually noticed that by myslef some time ago, but you know how hard it is to ACCEPT that fact…that you are wrong and delusional…ego is suffering a lot
This reminds me of my own first relationship… and like you said, ego was partly the reason I clung on to the relationship which was not meant to be and I ended up with the very first heartbreak. I learn that when it comes to two people being together in a relationship – honesty with each other and with themselves will ultimately reveal the potential of the relationship in the long run…
Karuna: This is a great article & I am hoping that it helps you figure it all out. It helps me cope with why I ignored red flags for so long. We want it to work out sooooooo bad. I realized that while I was so busy with the wrong types, the right ones were out there but I was ignoring them. Keep the faith in yourself; by reading these articles, you are on your way to healing!
Karen,
I broke off a 7 yr long term relationship w a man who loved ( prob still does) me very much. But…
I couldnt go on to imagining feeling excited if was being proposed to and also believed divorce would be waiting if to have kids with him. He has a 1 yr old child 1-yr after we dated that he found out.
His commitment to the child was mostly verbal but empty promises and her mother was just bad influence (jobless, obese, smoker w money for cigarette but not school lunch).
He grew up in a divorced situation but he had not treated his kid any better: Yelling her if she was stepping on the chair step ( for afraid it’d be broken) and when trying to help put groceries item on the checkout table ( for she was doing it w/o verbally asking for permission to help, [yep, wtf???] ), or if she wet the bed (yep, 7 yrs old still no potty train potty train except for wearing diaper). When it is good, it is good. But when it is bad, there is no teaching or instructing the kid of right from wrong, it was just yelling and punishing).
And then confronting me when all I said was “she didnt know” (chair) and “she was trying to help” right there in the store. Then an argument on how I talked to him like a child once coming home. By reminding him to wake her up for potty train (like we all adults learn to wake up in the middle of the night ), I was just simply ignored.
He exxagerated and acused me so much. I felt bad for this kid I loved but I became a victim.of verbal abuse when trying to advocate for her.
And just like you, I would resent it if he treated my kid this way. It had been 6yrs and things got better but those incidents these recent months woke me up and said, “What about me? I wouldnt want any guy treating my dgtr the way he treated me.” I ignored these signs because he said if it was his and my kid, with the one he loved ( this kid was from a 1-night stand), he would have had more devotion. I ignored all of those signs but then started to wake up. ” You are what you do, now what you say.” How he treated the kid will be how he’d treat my kids.
I am in introvert, going to grad school and making decent $$. I deserve better than this. Manipulative he was, after multiple makeups and on and off, I am trying my best and determine to meet someone else and to never ignore signs. Im reaching 30 next year and felt like Ive wasted so much of my life (1/4 lifetime), but I value that I grew up a lot more dealing with him.
Yep, I let all of those fly and now wasted my yrs of youth. It felt like raising a man (he was half a decade older than me) rather than dating a man. Im an observer and a believer that “You are what you do, not what you say.” But love blinded me and for being the man I loved, he got away. But now I just broke it off for 2 wks (after so many of them), I am dealing with it alone (not many friend) but ready for a better future.
Yes ppl can change but only so much. And when it is out of hand, it is better to leave than wasting years ahead trying to change (after so many attempts).
“Potty train,” “wtf,” “yep,” and you’re in grad school?? God, have mercy.
Wow…this is truly inspiring. One of the many ways God speaks to us. I truly, deeply needed it and am glad I came across it. Thank you
“While I was so busy with the wrong types, the right ones were there but I was ignoring them”. Thanks for pointing that out. I need to remember that. Like Karuna I’m in the process of trying to figure things out after someone I had accepted fully, flaws & all, has decided to suddenly have nothing to do with me for no explicable reason other than being alone is all he’s ever known (ex-foster kid with very troubled past). I listened to his words from the get-go and thus didn’t let romantic notions arise in me but yet his ACTIONS toward me were such that I grew to love him as a friend. His actions were consistently those of a friend, even though his words towards me were usually lacking. He didn’t pretend or promise to feel anything more than what I saw. No gifts other than his time/presence, no purposeful leading me on. Somehow despite always seeing that his anxieties are such that he won’t ever take responsibility for his own flaws/mistakes, I still somehow felt like his constant refrain of “I don’t feel anything for anyone. I could walk away from anyone and it wouldn’t matter to me” was somehow impossible. Why was/am I unwilling to accept that I never mattered to him beyond polite manners to a lady? Why do I want to keep reaching out to someone who chooses a path that’s causing his own loneliness? Why is it that I’ve decided I’m going to be the exception by being the only one not to give up on him? Why desire someone back in my life who never truly respected me? Just because he appreciated my presence, made time for me, was protective of me, confided in me, and we had similar interests? None of that meant that his heart was interested in truly knowing me for who I am. I was constantly aware that time spent with him was time away from more healthy people. People interested in celebrating in who I am. Over a year of time spent. So why do I still hope to remain in contact now that he’s done to me what I’d already seen he always does to everyone else – ghosting? Why do I feel guilty about allowing him to once again live the “I have no friends” life? I can’t control his choices. I wish I didn’t feel like it’s wrong and somehow my fault. I wish my heart could just leave all hope of contact in the past so that I can be more free/available for a better treated future.
To reference popular culture – he reminds me of Dr. Who in choosing the lonely path out of fear from previous loss, charming and well mannered to strangers, enthusiastic about the beauty of life, but constantly avoiding facing his own faults. Except that Dr. Who still builds connections & mutual respect, whereas he does not. Why do I want to continue to be a Companion to that detched arrogance instead of just letting him go now that he’s disappeared?
What sort of connection are you trying to draw between comfort with using slang words during emotionally expressive conversation and paying to pursue a more detailed study of a subject? The two are unrelated. If the point of your comment was to make the former seem like an inferior, undesirable trait in someone paying for continued education, then you should explain why you believe so. Also, what does any of it have to do with the fact that all who are not evil deserve mercy?
You’re right about that. How much more drama can someone take?
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Seneykag
Good for you!! Unfortunately it took me 23 years of marriage before I had the sense & courage to leave. I have many scars from that time in my life – but I have moved forward. I’m back in counseling as I start to date again (I’ve been divorced for three years). I don’t want to make the same mistakes again but I realize that the issue is with me – I need to expect more, understand that I deserve more and that I am worth more than what I settle for. Until I make that conscious change in myself I will continue to attract & tolerate the same behaviors that I put up with in my marriage.
I am so glad you are continuing your education. Keep working towards the ultimate goal that you have in your heart & in your mind.
Many blessings to you!!
Karen
If you think everyone going to grad school has no ability or rights to anger, then you certainly have not been exposed to reality. Yep, managers, professionals are capable of slang languages, as everyone else. Also wtf can also mean what the heck. Welcome to the world! And dont bring God in here.
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So, you were like pursuing him? Asking him out? Trying to develop a relationship with him?
Tell me more about this wasted effort…
Rejected…tell me more.
Once per boy is my limit….and I’m obese and bitchy.
I can’t think of any reason to want that human in your life, so I can’t answer your question. Actually, you pretty much answered your questions…We learned that it makes no sense for you to want that guy. Face it, you don’t.
Healthy discussion though…with a stroke to his ego. LOL
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Reading this has brought up so many feelings for me. The list of red flags was like reading a check-list about the man that I have been involved with, on-and-off, for the past 5 years. He has shown me over and over again that he is not, and will never be who I want or need him to be.
I’m know the very beginning stages of finally releasing him and my dreams of a future with him, and it’s hard…very hard.
I am in a One year relationship were things were so good in the beginning and towards the 2nd half of our year he proposed to me. When i suddenly found out through his ex that he was actually still married to her, they also share 2kids together. He is in the military and swore every time that everything he would say was pure honesty, and i believed every word. One day he just suddenly woke up feeling like he didnt want to be with me anymore and i couldnt understand why, his answer was because we would have a lot of disagreements which i didnt believe. I would only disagree if he would feed into his ex’s words. When he came off with the break up news i flew to were he was stationed and things seemed a bit off, then they slowly came together. After i left things werent the same, i struggled with emotion from him for 2months, one day he was sorry the next day he was done. Everytime he would tell me it was over, he would comeback crying saying he was sorry. I stood by him as he claimed that the distance of him and his children had him depressed, which i believed but felt like that wasent the full reason why he was down/depressed. i offered to cope with him everyday of those 2months. When he finally came to visit his children, he didnt show no interest in coming to see me until 2days after he had landed. He called me claiming that he felt incomplete without me, so i invited him to come and talk. Things seemed to slowly fallback into place but my mind was still questioning his past actions. Days went by we spend time together including his and my kids when he suddenly felt one day after we had lunch like he was missing his kids, so i took him back to his moms place and then he became to start acting weird. He then left me alone for New yrs eve, and the next day i still invited him for breakfast, we spend time with the kids and suddenly i get a call form his ex stating that they spend new yrs together, and he swore nothing happened. We then all met up, spoke and i found out small truths about the time we started dating, and he claimed to her that he only wanted to be with me because he loved me. He made promises that he would never do that to me, and be honest. He also gave me access to our shared phone account, but sometimes i feel like why do i have to become anxious and check on him and even if he knows that i check why doesnt he still tell me everytime she messages him? he claims that he forgets, or doesnt want to ruin our happy moment. I need feedback, comments, suggestions, and help. Ive always been a very strong woman and recently ive started to try and become very close with my inner self so that when anxiety sets in i remember the good things surrounding me.
This article is awesome… I my fiance and I just separated four days ago after four long years. Our story is much different from the ones I see in this discussion. There were flags in the beginning of our relationship that I just ignored. I am not claiming to be perfect but one thing I never did was cheated. He cheated with his ex-girlfriend which he denies to this day but the emails says different. He then cheated with a girl he didn’t know. He met her online and had sex with her the day he met her in person. I still stuck by his side afterwards thinking that people can change. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Shortly afterwards, I got pregnant with our daughter who was a stillborn. All of the pain that I went through in the relationship resurfaced and losing her on top of that was by far the hardest thing. We went to counseling before I got pregnant and we thought that we could do it. Eight months later I found out I was pregnant with our son who was also yet another stillborn. I thought I was going to lose my mind. Men tend to grieve differently from women. He became very irate and we argued over everything. No matter what I did, it turned into an argument. He didn’t trust me at all. It has been eight months since our son passed and here we are again. A few weeks ago he started coming home later and later with lame excuses. I laid on his chest and asked him humbly, “baby can you please tell me whats going on? Is there someone else?” He denied it. His late nights turned into not coming home at all. He still denied that there was someone else and said he was at the hospital. He had no supporting documents from the hospital except a valet parking ticket. I then installed a gps in my car to get to the bottom of it. He was going places where he said he wasn’t. After doing some searching I found that there was a particular number that he called very often. After approaching him about it, he still denied it. I called the lady and this is something I do not believe in doing but I was tired and needed answers. After speaking with her, she asked if she can come by the house to get to the bottom of it. Surprisingly, she knew my address. She did not know that we were engaged and lived together. He told her we were separated and had been for a few months. When she arrived, he denied me in front of her. I asked him if we’re apart why are we still sexually active? Why do you sleep next to me each night? He still denied being engaged to me even though my ring is on my finger. That hurt me to my soul that he would even do me like that after all we’ve been through. I was there when he had no one or job. I hold down all of the bills and did everything in the house with no complaints. I feel used and hurt beyond measure. He see me as the devil and a stalker because I put a gps in MY car but I am glad to get him out of my life. I am hurting because I loved him so much but he didn’t love or appreciate me so I am glad that we are done. I am still in tears but I vow not to waste anymore of my tears on someone who didn’t value my worth.
Great article! …. I have experienced the same and i could relate to the first para so much! But the best part is you learn and I believe if things are happening repeatedly and causing pain, it is definitely an area asking for our attention.
Hello, I want your help. I am divorced for 2 years. I started talking to a guy who I know from my childhood, who now knows everything about my past. He promised that he will keep me happy. After almost a year after my divorce I said yes for this relationship. He is in different country and we haven’t meet yet. Once I asked him is Facebook password and saw a conversation in which he is flirting with a girl. I broke up with him but he is very sorry for it and says he had no wrong intentions. He was so ashamed of what he did that he shaved his head and told everything to his parents about the incident. And told me that he will give me the recording of him saying ” I have cheated again and so my girlfriend is realising this video in public”. I don’t know what to do, my past was very bad and I can’t trust him anymore, can’t forget the incident. I don’t have same respect and attachments with him. But he and everyone who knows it says to give him one last chance.
Please tell me what to do