“Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. So thank the past for a better future.” ~Unknown
I used to think when someone cheated on me that I was flawed.
You see, I had a core belief that there was something wrong with me. I never felt enough. I’m not even sure I can fully articulate this feeling, but whatever it was, I just didn’t feel enough. Slim enough, pretty enough, clever enough, worthy enough, or just, well, anything enough.
I’ve now come to see that when someone mistreats you it has almost nothing to do with you. Other people’s behavior is about them.
I’ve come to realize that my ex flirting and engaging in a sexual manner with other women had to do with his insecurities, and nothing to do with me not being good enough.
It was his issue, not mine. It was his ego that needed a boost, and he used other women for that because he wasn’t emotionally or intellectually developed enough to boost himself.
I believe we must be responsible enough to look after our own feelings and not make someone else responsible for how we feel. He was still trapped in a cycle of thinking he needed someone to make him feel happy. He needed to use other women to boost his self-esteem.
Previously, I’ve felt that my world was falling apart when a man cheated on me or left me. I felt my value decreased the moment he didn’t want me.
I can now see my value just is, it’s innate. We are all born worthy—worthy of love and good enough. Even if no one in the world can see it, it’s the truth. I am enough exactly as I am. I don’t need to be anything other than who I am. I have nothing to prove to anyone anymore.
I’ve realized that I am more than lovable. When someone doesn’t or can’t treat me the way I want and deserve to be treated, it’s not a reflection of me.
I’ve learned that it’s my job to put my best interests at heart and love myself enough to walk away from anything that doesn’t serve me or build me up.
This time I discovered an inner strength much sooner than I previously have. I walked away when I discovered the lies; previously I would stayed trying to fix myself when I wasn’t the one that was at fault.
I now recognize that I am a complete person all alone. I don’t need someone else to complete me.
I function and enjoy my life on my own. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy being in relationships—I really do, and I think it’s so magical when two happy, complete people come together and share their lives.
However, I’ve discovered that if the other person is looking for someone to complete them or to make their life more exciting than it is, it’s more than likely never going to last.
Relationships are places of spiritual growth, and they can enhance an already happy life. Their purpose is not to make a miserable one better; that’s too much power to hand to any one person.
Love is a place of pure positive energy. If someone has to put you down in order to try to keep you then that’s not love; it’s control. Control is based on a scarcity model of love, and that’s not positive energy; it’s fear-based.
I have never understood it when people said that love isn’t enough. Love is always enough, but love is about loving actions, loving behavior. You can’t claim to love someone yet lie to them; the two things don’t match.
So here are the five things I’ve learned from my past failed relationship.
1. When someone cheats or mistreats you, it almost never has anything to do with you.
You are good enough even when their actions may have you believe otherwise.
2. Someone else’s bad behavior doesn’t reflect badly on you.
Someone cheating on you doesn’t make you look silly. It highlights that they have issues they need to work on.
3. Your value and worth aren’t tied to anyone or anything.
Not your weight, relationship, or job.
4. Love is never bad; love is amazing, pure and simple. Cheating hurts, lies hurt, being heartbroken hurts, but these things are not love.
These cause pain, but cheating, lying, and hurting others are done out of fear, not out of love. Love is, in fact, the only thing that ever makes the pain better again, and you can start to love yourself today. Self-love depends on you alone.
Set the standard for how people should love you by loving yourself wholeheartedly.
5. Just because one relationship doesn’t work, that doesn’t mean the next one won’t.
Don’t give up on love; give up on the people who made you think love wasn’t good.
And always remember what Steve Marabolie wrote, “The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.”
About Kirsten Davies
Kirsten Davies is a nutritionist and founder of The Food Remedy. She combines her nutritional knowledge with neuro-linguistic programming, helping clients understand the link between the food they eat and the thoughts they think. Real, whole food is her mantra, which, teamed with her burning passion to help others see their own light, makes her compellingly magnetic.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I need this and you are right about the insecurity.
I can imagine how shocked you were when you found out that you were cheated by your ex and that must have been hurtful.
In my past experience being the other woman, cheating was an act done out of frustration as a result of unfulfilled needs of the married man I had relationship with and often happened when accompanied by lack of communication skill.
That’s an excellent realization that a lot of people need reiterated. I do have to admit that when MY ex cheated on me, I never blamed myself (ok, I did say to myself – congratulations, you know how to pick them – but reasons – ie I had some premonitions about the idiot that I ignored).
Being mistreated and cheated on is the worst feeling in the world, especially when you haven’t done anything wrong. In today’s society, some people don’t understand the true meaning of maintaining committed and monogamous relationships.
I stopped talking to my ex-boyfriend, since his behavior was too controlling. I had to contact him several times a day, to make sure I wasn’t cheating on him. His ex-wife pulled that stunt while he was fighting in a war overseas. I couldn’t understand where he was coming from, but at the same time, him comparing me to her was beyond hurtful.
The last straw occurred was when I didn’t contact him for a couple of days. I was dealing with the worst migraine in my entire life. When my ex-boyfriend called, he not only cussed me out, but demanded to know why I never called. His verbal assaults made my migraine worse. I realized that he’s NEVER going to change, and called the relationship quits.
I recently bumped into my ex-boyfriend when I was on my way to work. He wanted to know why I stopped contacting him, and I told the truth. His answer took me by surprise. He explained that I could have told him! He did ask for my forgiveness, and wanted us to get back together someday. Honestly, I can’t be with him, since I know his behavior isn’t going to change. I know I deserve more.
Thank you, Kirsten for writing the most powerful article on self-respect.
Hi Kristen, thank you for sharing. I really need this encouragement and reminder for self-respect. A lot of things happened to me last year .. well, until now in fact. I’m still trying to heal and picking up myself. At sometimes, I think I am going crazy.
I met this guy last year around this time. He joined to the company where I have been working for 6 years. Then we became colleague. When I first get to know him, he was engaged (kind of verbally engagement as he claimed bcos he was not wearing any ring). His gf was in Canada that time and they were having a long distance relationship. She came from a very rich family. He is just a normal guy. He mentioned to me a few times that they were having some problem…that’s all I know and I didn’t asked much as that is none of my business. We just hang out (go for lunch together) like any normal colleague would do. Of course not just us, with a bunch of other colleagues. I treated him like any other normal colleague. He is very good at talking and makes me laugh all the times. He asked me out a few times (to hang out as colleague), I rejected a few times. But then I think, we are at same age, we can be just friends and colleague.. why am i thinking to much? And he is new to the town and alone so then I agreed to have dinner together. We had a great talk and we enjoyed. As day goes, we became more and more close. He started showing behavior that he likes me and he started showing too much attention and caring towards me. When he officially text me that he likes me, I remember I scolded him. I told him that this is wrong. Because he has gf. Then he explained that he just like me as a friend..nothing more. So I forgave him and we just continue being friends. He told me about his past. He had a lot of gf before and basically he was a play boy when he was young. Now as he is 28, he wants to focus on his career and be a gd man, blah blah blah. So i told him, everyone has a past. I told him that I don’t agree looking down on a person because of his/her past. If the person is willing to correct then how the person lives now and future is more important. He still constantly showing too much attention and caring towards me. Before I knew it, I found myself having feelings for him. To sum up, I finally decided to put things on the table. I told him that I do not want to be a third party or anywhere near to that. So I told him that he has to stop being good to me if he is still engaged to another girl. I will only consider a single guy. Then things happened so fast and he told me that he ended with his gf. He deactivated his fb. My other colleagues helped me verified by checking out the girl’s fb and instagram.. the photos of them are all gone. I remember, he told me that he went through all the drama and scolding from the girl’s mom, his mom and their common friends. With all these, I believed him that he really wanted to be with me.
Then, we started dating. One thing about me is for the past 28 years of my life, I was busy with studies, working, taking care of my parents so I didn’t give myself a chance for relationship. So this can consider as my first serious love and relationship. We were basically together almost every day, every time. He treated me very well and I was over the cloud. We did have some arguments but nothing serious. We always talked things out and reached to an agreement everytime. Oh ya, we are from two different countries so we have different culture. But we agree to work things out together. We had a good times but suddenly one day, he said he feel suffocated and blah blah blah. I was shocked, so angry and I told him that I don’t believe in taking a break so let’s break up. we both cried and we decided to stay as friend.
After that I was so miserable, I couldn’t eat and cry alot. I thought he was just confused and I thought if i gave him and myself sometimes we can make thing work out again. During this difficult time, he again took care of me alot. Even if i message him in the middle of the night saying I am not ok.. he would call me immediately and console me. He always checking on me whether do I eat properly and stuff.. even when he was on a trip with his family, he called and check me whether am i ok? Or crying again. He still told me that he still loves me, I am a very nice, perfect girl … he wants the best for me..all the shit. With all these emotional strings, I became more and more crazy. Some days I am ok but some days I am like a mad woman with all the emotional stress, losing love, losing the person that I love. As times passed, I sensed the change in him, he started to care less about me so I thought I am driving him crazy emotionally and blame myself. Then i started to control myself. While we were dating, I did asked him whether am I a substitute of his ex-gf? He would denied like hell and he would always say how perfect am i and how much he loves me and treasure me. And even after we break up, he told me that he was not getting back with his ex…because we both knew that his ex-gf is back to their hometown after we broke up. Somehow, girl’s six sense.. I feel something is strange. One day, I found out from the girl instagram that she came to our town and she was in a zoo. That day, when i message him, he told me that a friend of him came to visit him. I knew that since we have broke up, he is free to go out and make friends with who he wants. I really don’t want to be a freak ex-gf so I do my best to keep it low key. I really did my best to control my emotional, I reflected on myself alot.. in what could I have done wrong so that we ended up in this situation. I basically blame myself for being too simple minded, not having experiences with guys, dating, being too emotional when the break up happened..etc.
The worst part is, all these times, I have to see him at office. It is really a torture for me. How can I forget him and move on while I have to face him. There was a time, I couldn’t go to work because I missed him so much. I missed us so much. Well, but again I tried my best to move on. As saying “truth can never hide”, before Christmas, with the help of my friend I got to know the whole truth. (By the way, soon after we broke up, a few weeks later after the girl came back to their hometown, her instagram suddenly became private. That was one of the reason for my suspect.) The girl posted a picture of them together stating celebrating anniversary. That’s where my whole world crushed. I trusted him. Not to mentioned before we date, even after we have broke up.. I still believe him. All these time, I blame myself for the situation where we are. Because deep down, I did blame myself for appearing in his life and he had to break up with his gf and chose me. I loves him with everything I have. And the truth is he just used and played me while his rich gf is away, he cheated me all these times, lying to my face. He was someone I trusted him and was so close to me and now suddenly I feel like.. I know nothing. Is like, he is no longer the person I knew anymore. Which of his words are real and what are the lies… I don’t know anymore. I felt so useless, mistreated. As if I have no value to him and he played me when he wants and throw me away when he don’t need it anymore. I live like a zombie. I locked myself up in a room. I lost weight until all I have is bones and skin… to the extend I wanted to end everything. I almost wanted to give up everything.
My friends are very angry and asked me to let the girl know what kind of ass## he is. May be the girl knows or don’t know.. I don’t know. High chance, she might not know anything because I never go public while we were dating. Because of our work, we keep it low key on social media. It was kind of his suggestion… if I think back. And I don’t care much of these so I agreed to him that time. (I kind of regret though).The thing is I am a human, of course I feel jealous, anger and everything that normal human would feel. But I do not want to involve in any drama anymore. And one thing that I believe and practice is, “I cannot and will never destroy something that I couldn’t have”. That’s the main thing stopping me to show my face, let the whole truth came out and show my existence.
To date, even though I am doing my best to move on, find my happiness and confidence back but I don’t denied the fact that this nightmare still hunt me. But I am trying to find my peace and telling myself every sec that it’s him. Not because I am any less.
Sorry about the very long story. This is the first time I am actually sharing to strangers. I hope that if someone from somewhere feeling mistreated… remember, you are not alone. Be strong. “Not because your are any less! We are prefect in a way we are”
Thank you LaTrice for your post.
Nothing hurts more than to be there for someone who you considered a friend and they lie and use you. Then try to put the blame back on you after their lies have caught up with them. I try to remind myself everyday that one day karma will come back on this individual and give them a serious reality check.
nothing hurts more than giving your all and still get dumped and cheated on, this happens alot and if you figure out you want a pay back there are more way than you can imagine without even lifting a finger, you could ake the life of your ex miserable by hacking into his accounts and transferring funds or even freeze the account, all this could be done throught the help of a one true reliable hacker by the person of cheeterhacker AT outlook DOT com..a word is enough for the wise this heart breakers must feel the pain they cost us..
No one deserves to be cheated on, especially when your full loyalty lies with the betrayer of your trust. Initially, I thought I was just feeling insecure when my girlfriend would just be on his phone at odd hours, until I decided to take a chance to know, knowing is better than self doubts and it was exactly what happened when I employed the services of (computer(dot)surgeon(@@)outlook(dot)Com) he gave me a discreet and unlimited access to know who she’s texting on her phone and social media . Now I know when she’s telling the truth and how to curtail her, I think it is not a drastic step if it’ll make you feel better. My life got better, I stopped using my precious time to bother about her indiscretions and channeled my energy positively. Their services includes: Social media Hack, Phone Hack all form of hacks….. Tell him i referred you
Cheaters will lie to their closest friends first. They want their best friend to think that they are a person of their word, would never cheat on their spouse and that they are truly a good person.
Unfortunately your friend has a huge EGO and needs to cheat to feel like an adult. This friend deserves what KARMA brings into their life. Cheating makes you a child, not an adult
Thank you for this, Kirsten. This post gets to the heart (no pun intended) of the most difficult part of being cheated on: what it does to our self esteem. My wife cheated on me years ago with a friend of ours and we’re dealing with some issues again. However she won’t even acknowledge that she cheated because she was unhappy in our marriage and wanted to leave.
Anyway – feeling unloved, unlovable, useless, unworthy, unwanted, alone, isolated, hopeless…and on and on: these feelings have been dredged up again and I feel like half the battle is just getting her to understand that I have a right to these feelings – I was hurt by her choices, and the negative effects of those choices are still echoing with us today.
Feeling good about myself and positive about the future have been extremely difficult for me lately, but your wise words have helped me tremendously. Thank you!
P, I read the whole thing, and as it’s been two years I’m sure you’ve moved on by now and hopefully you are in a much, much better place.
I have always believed in learning from past experiences (both good and bad) and applying this knowledge so that we may make good choices in the future. Hopefully from your bad experience you have learned the red flags to look out for in spotting a cheater. This guy cheated on his fiancee long before he told you that he broke things off with her. He did not maintain appropriate boundaries in his friendship with you (asking you out, disclosing his personal relationship problems, being overly attentive to you, expressing romantic interest in you, etc) he was emotionally cheating on his fiancee with you. If there’s one thing to learn from this, past behavior often times predicts future behavior. The way that he treats his past relationships will very likely be the same way he will treat his future relationships. If he cheated on her, he will likely cheat on you too. Plus, breaking off an engagement and immediately jumping into a new relationship is very telling of a person’s immaturity and impulsive decision-making.
Losing this guy was a blessing in disguise for you. Hopefully the girl he ran back to wised up to what kind of person he really is and did not actually marry him. If she did, it was a grave mistake which I’m sure she already regrets.