“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” ~Robert Brault
My ex-boyfriend is angry with me.
I met him soon after he had broken up with his then fiancée, and he thought he was ready to move on, but wasn’t. After many months of messing me about, we ended it. I cut off contact because it still hurt me and I still cared for him.
Eventually, I wrote to him to see if I could get some closure and to consider if we could salvage a friendship. His reply was scathing, vitriolic, angry. He blamed me for the fact that his ex-fiancée would not give him another chance.
Yet, he had made those decisions. He insisted that it was my fault, and that I had cost him everything, despite the fact that all I had done was support him and respond to his interest in me. I hadn’t even known him before their breakup.
Beyond that, we had also been, I had thought, really good friends that had connected on a level that is rare to come across in life. It hurt that the person I thought I had connected with like this now felt so much anger and hate toward me.
It was difficult not to be affected by that, and it hurt me deeply. I fell into a bit of a depression, and even though I knew I hadn’t done anything to warrant such vicious verbal attacks, I still questioned myself and my actions.
Maybe I did deserve his anger. Maybe I was worthy of hatred.
Then it dawned on me. This was not my issue. This was his issue and his inability to accept responsibility for his choices. I had not wanted nor asked for any of it! But how was I going to disentangle myself from the hate he was sending my way? I came to rely on five things.
1.Know your truth.
I know deep down that I am not the person he sees me as, that I did not set out to ever hurt or destroy him, that I gave so much more than most would have given to a relationship that was not good for me.
I know that I am a good person. I know with certainty that his anger is misdirected; it’s not my truth. I’m honest with myself to a fault, and I take on what I deserve to and accept blame and mistakes when I make them. This was not my mistake to accept.
2. Accept that people won’t see your reality.
People won’t always see things the way that you do. You cannot make someone see what you believe to be a rational truth, nor will you see it from their point of view. Don’t try to; accept that we all think differently.
3. Let go.
It’s not worth your constant wondering and worrying. It isn’t good for you to hold onto it and over-analyze it. Let it go; visualise yourself blowing it all into a balloon, tying it off, and letting it drift away. Feel lighter because of it!
4. Remember, all actions are based in either fear or love.
Base yours in love. Realize their actions are based in fear. Often, these fears are ones that no one can reach because they are too deep-seated for the person to acknowledge. Accept that, and continue to operate from your own base of love.
5. Surround yourself with people and things that make your soul sing.
Let the angry be angry. Don’t let yourself live that way, and don’t deprive yourself of the things that make you happy because you’re giving time to something out of your control.
See friends, indulge in books or art or physical activity—whatever makes you feel good. You’re not who they think you are; you’re a good person who deserves to live a bountiful, peaceful, happy life. Go and get it!
Arguing couple image via Shutterstock
About Kelly Smith
Kelly Smith is a mother, friend, teacher, writer and avid pursuer of contentedness. Struck by a promise to herself to live in constant honesty, she strives to always grow and learn from life. When she isn’t teaching or parenting, she’s usually buried in a book or chained to her laptop, trying to finish the next Great Australian Novel.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Great post, Kelly!
Let me share something I found helpful when I deal with people who are trying to drag me into their drama. I know it’s not easy, but before stirring yourself into someone else’s dramatic turmoil think about this: would this matter in 5, 10 or even 20 years from this day on? Is it really necessary to reply and waste your time on this? You are free to go and choose to surround yourself with people who don’t tend to kill your nerve cells by pushing you off the cliff into stressful situation… Am I right ;-] ?
Excellent post, Kelly, thank you. #3–Great visualization, going to use that!
Thank you so much. It came at a perfect time in my life. Just knowing it happens to so many people in so many different circumstances, helps me understand it’s a normal problem others have now and then. Bless you!
Hi, Kelly Whatever you wrote its all true about my love life.Thanks for sharing your experience and specially the learning part. But in my case love changed into marriage and then it broke with all false allegations. Nearly after 1 year I still try to figure out reason of her anger and blaming. People do say “Let it go..” I realize its tough, too tough and honestly talking like a fool; after months I forget whatever hardship happened and I just remember “…I loved her infinitely” and then I get back to old feelings, emotions, thinking, missing or may be blaming me. How long it will take me to forget everything, good or bad? Is it possible?
Honestly, I don’t know if it is possible. I still miss the friendship of the person I wrote this about, but I also accept that it won’t and cannot be the same as it once was now. I suppose the scar will always be there, but the open wound does heal.
I’m so glad you enjoyed it, I love visualizations, it also helps you in that moment to stop and change your thinking 🙂
SO right! It’s hard to not be swept away and to ground yourself and stop and have that thought in the moment but sooo worthwhile if you can!
I don’t claim to be 100% innocent. There is always two parts to something, but this went beyond rational into something that was truly not something I needed to accept and take on. Realising when that point is reached and letting go is important – otherwise you can do some serious damage to your esteem.
Thank you for this! I’ve been going through a similar situation. When I was suddenly dumped by my ex last year, I decided I needed space from her to collect myself and heal, which has been very difficult because we’re both students. What I’ve considered taking my privacy to try to recover from heartbreak she has seen as disrespecting her, as she originally wanted to remain friends, which I wasn’t ready for. It’s difficult to take that someone I used to care for strongly now resents me when I’ve tried to handle the situation as compassionately as possible for both of us. But that then goes to one of your points: some people just won’t see your reality. Best you can do is be strong, believe in yourself, and let go.
Yes. It’s so hard to accept people see things so differently. And who is to say which is right and wrong? All you can do is support yourself and surround yourself with positivity. It’s tough.
GREAT insight! Very inspiring, and hopeful! 🙂
This is exactly where I’m at right now! Beyond words I’m not even joking Fantastic
Hope it helps, Dave. It gets easier 🙂
Live your truth!
I would love to hear some feedback on this from the community here:
A good friend of mine had a misunderstanding, which we did clear up. However, during the misunderstanding she made some extremely hurtful comments, about the kind of person I am (“I don’t need people like you in my life”) and brought unrelated personal things into it.
I wanted to talk through this to know that she doesn’t mean those things about me. She said she would talk about it but everytime I reached out to discuss the issue she would have put off the convo, and finally she just said she didn’t want to talk about it, and wanted to move forward.
I also acknowledged that I want to move forward, but that can only happen when we’re on the same page about the things she said. Everytime I tried to have a two-way conversation, she only responded saying she didn’t want to talk about it while also making additional insults about my character, and even bringing my family into it and making mean, unbased comments about them, which was absolutely unacceptable. And the whole time I’m like, ‘can we talk about this without you continuously saying you don’t want to talk about this’ while saying things about me. Finally, she said that she was being a good friend because she was still willing to talk to me and that no one else would do the same, which is pretty ironic given the situation that she is the one that refuses to talk, and then said that she didn’t want this friendship anymore. I feel so hurt and confused- why did I keep trying to talk through the situation even when she insulted me so many times? I was trying to still be a good friend, but she just blamed me for negativity and cut off the friendship, when all the negative comments came from her. I am shocked and disappointed. I am mad at myself for…for letting her say all that stuff and still trying to work it out. I guess I really trusted her to want to talk through it, instead of saying that she didn’t want to talk about it and since I did, then I was the problem. How is this fair? I did not insult her. I did not make personal comments about her character. I didn’t bring her family into it. And yet she says I’m the negative one and cuts me off. Btw, this friend always comes to me with all her drama and takes all my advice heartily about being true to yourself and being positive and all that, and now she just turns around and…and what? And this?
And I know they say ‘there’s two sides to everything’. But in this case, I have truly analyzed the situation to pieces from as objective a view as possible, looking at what was just SAID. And when I quoted her and asked her to address those comments, she said I was dragging it out. Why am I the one struggling so much when she has insulted me?!
Thanks Kelly, l believe that your thoughts would be helpful for me
Kelly thank you so much I needed to hear this! My ex just dumped me about a month ago. I tried the BEST I could to work with this man’s anger. But I had to come to the realization that it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Initially things were great…or so I thought! ha But after only two short months I started to get “blamed”, “yelled at” and “accused” of things I wasn’t even doing! He started to say “his life was good until I came into it”. And nothing could be further from the truth! It seems like he lived in denial and in “his own disillusioned world”. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think there may have been some mental illness there. Not sure? But it was one of the most interesting interactions I’ve ever had with a guy. But one thing for sure is, I’m not allowing ANYONE to take away my peace and joy if life. It’s just not going to happen. His REALITY was definitely different from mine! I’m hoping and trusting that down the line I’ve have what is meant for me to have. And good luck to anyone else who’s had to endure this type of relationship. Things will eventually work out for us! 🙂
I’m so glad you’re out of that now. Read up on narcissism because this guy sounds very much that way. Proud of you for knowing your worth and going forward a stronger woman!
Thanks you, I’m doing just that! 🙂
If you want advice you should go to the site friendship blog. They are a nice group of people if you want feedback on friendship problems.