“When you judge another, you do not define them. You define yourself.” ~Wayne Dwyer
One of the times I felt my lowest was when I found out a best friend didn’t tell me something important that had happened in her life. I felt about an inch tall when she said she feared I would judge her if she told me, and that’s why she kept it a secret.
At that point, I broke down. Do all my friends feel this way? Why? I’ve always felt very protective of them and tried my best to be a great friend.
I’m an only child. I’ve spent a lot of time with my parents. They’re wonderful and they’ve done a lot for me, but one thing they’ve passed on is a sort of judgmental, sarcastic type of humor.
So as much as I joke around and I suppose, judge what others do, I always thought my friends knew that I would always accept them.
I catch myself gossiping and talking about others, essentially judging them. I’ll admit there are times when I feel as if I’m better than someone. But who am I to think that? I’ve made mistakes. I don’t always do or say the right things. I’m by no means perfect or better than anyone else.
Suddenly, I somewhat understood what my friend meant. Even though I hoped she knew that I would never judge her choices and I’d always be there for her—and as much as it pains me—I could see why she was afraid to tell me.
I didn’t want to define myself as a judgmental person who people couldn’t trust to talk about important issues. Not even for one second. So I vowed to change.
Why do people judge others anyway? I think it all stems partly from how we were raised to think and speak, but it also stems from our own insecurities. While on the surface, judging someone seems to give you the upper hand, it can also show that you’re insecure or jealous.
Though this incident happened several years ago, it still hurts me to think about. But it’s a good reminder—a cue to force myself into a new way of thinking. It taught me to be more compassionate and it reminded me that everyone has flaws and pain.
Think about the last person you may have judged. Was it because of their clothing, speech, decisions, or friends? Would you enjoy being judged for those things?
If you’re judging someone based on their decisions, or maybe their mistakes, stop for a second.
Can you do something to help with eyes of compassion instead of judgment? Maybe their decision felt like the right one for them, even if it wouldn’t have been the right one for you. Maybe they made their choice because of something else you don’t know anything about.
It’s human nature to compare ourselves to others and question their choices and decisions. But we are only accountable for our own lives.
Judging other people can hurt relationships, just like it hurt mine. We can define ourselves as judgmental or compassionate through our actions and reactions.
Which would you rather be?
Photo by Vinoth Chandar
About Lauren Stewart
Lauren is the founder of Find Your Magic as a Highly Sensitive Person and the author of My Journey as a Highly Sensitive Person with Anxiety. She also works as a freelance writer and lives in Michigan with her husband and their three dogs.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Lauren,
An interesting post. I always liked to think of myself as non-judgemental. If I am truly honest with myself though I can be as judgemental as the next person unless I pay attention to myself.
What I have also learned is that I have been closed off for a lot of my life, and haven’t shared things with people at times when I needed them. All on the basis that I thought I would be judged, essentially second guessing what people would think of me. The basis of this was how I saw myself.
It isn’t possible to be judgemental and compassionate at the same time. And it is difficult to be compassionate and non-judgemental with others if you can’t do it with yourself. So not only can it hurt relationships, it can hurt ourselves.
Then again, how would we learn about ourselves if no judgment at all were expressed? Might there not be malleable boundaries wherein what we offer is an exchange, an assessment, of others…whether it is reflective of our own characteristics or not?I don’t relish judgment, no one does [hopefully, BDSM aside]. It is often a cruel and vindictive tool of righteous indignation. On the other hand, were we to NOT offer critiques of our own, how would we aspire toward growth? To improvement?
When we come to the realization that what we say about others is a reflection of what we see in ourselves, we temper the manner in which we voice ourselves. Not through gossip. Not through vilification. Not cruelly. But through open dialogue and constructive criticism. TĂŞte-Ă -tĂŞte. We take the judgment personally and grow with it, inviting others to follow.
~ Mark
I believe that judgment is taught by parents, extended families and the society in which one is raised….partly due to organized religion but also due to bias and probably also fear and superiority complexes. Judgment, however, isn’t necessarily bad in and of itself because we have to make judgments everyday about who we choose to socialize with, where we choose to shop, what kind of food we choose to buy, etc. and those are all fine…it’s when the judgement comes from a place of negativity that then becomes a problem. I think that people judge others because they often detach themselves from the world in a sense that they don’t put ourselves in the other person’s shoes and they forget to consider how they might feel if someone judged them.
Great post, Lauren! I couldn’t agree more when you shared this quote:
“When you judge another, you do not define them. You define yourself.”
Definitely a golden rule to live by!
I know I have been very judgemental in the past (of others, but especially of myself), because I was harshly judged as a child & teenager, and I guess I thought I was beating everyone else to the punch. It took me a long time to be able to let go of that and let people be as they are, and understand that everyone has to learn their own lessons and there is no blanket “right way” for everyone. We all have our own path and take our own detours. Now when someone judges me, I take it with a grain of salt… it’s mostly not about me, anyway, it’s about them.
Hi Lauren, it was great that your friend’s actions caused you to look deeper at judgment  Â
I also found interesting your statement about your parents.when you said “,,,one thing they’ve passed on is a sort of judgmental, sarcastic type of humor.” What intrigues me here is a notion I’ve heard about an aspect of the reincarnation process that says we select our parents prior to journeying to this planet. Along with this concept comes a rather profound question we should all ask, which is: Why do you think you selected your parents? What I have noticed is that we select them for the difficult lessons they will cause us to awaken to. Seems your parents did a perfect job on this one. Â
True! A couple of
friendships that I once cherished have now become episodes to analyze how and
where I went wrong. May be yes; there’s a difference in the eye from which I
see others and the one from which I prefer to look at myself.Â
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I think that because I
am a confident girl, it doesn’t matter if I don’t look my best at the time. But
it’s not the same when I a bump into an acquaintance who I know is well placed
in life but dressed shabbily. Then, I like to believe that either she isn’t
happy with her life or she’s careless or isn’t as organized as me and like
that. It hurts but I know its plain jealousy and my own insecurities that force
me to overlook the good and satisfy myself that I am always right! I am trying
to change but guess it’ll take time to accept in the outside what I have accepted
inside.  Â
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