âOur sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion.â ~Buddha
Iâd like you to meet someone. Heâs me and heâs not me. What I mean is, heâs inside meâa part of me.
His story goes something like this: âI need to be the best at whatever I do, but no matter how hard I work, I will never be the best because the world is unfair.â
For most of my life heâs been carrying around this impossible task, and it has really weighed me down. Heâs caused me a lot of pain and anxiety, and sometimes Iâd like to get rid of him.
Rather, some other part of me wants to get rid of him.
Now Iâd like you to meet that other part. Heâs me and heâs not me.
His story goes like this: âAmbition causes us nothing but pain. We need to stop striving and devote ourselves entirely to a more spiritual path, even if it means giving up some of the things weâre passionate about.â
These two parts, both inside me, have had some knock-down, drag-out fights, let me tell you. It can get so heated that sometimes I decide itâs best to stay out of it.
And thatâs part of the problem.
You see, we all have many parts inside us, and some have been with us most of our lives. There are two things we donât want to do in our relationship with our parts, but which we tend to do: (1) let them take over; (2) exile them.
Our parts mean wellâthey believe that theyâre helping usâbut often they operate out of shame and fear. And so when we allow them to take over, they do more damage than goodâdespite their best intentions.
The part of me that operates through extreme ambition and competition really does believe that heâs trying to protect me from experiencing failure, disappointment, and shame. The part of me that operates through extreme spiritualityâalmost competitively soâis trying to protect me from the same things.
The spiritual part wants to get rid of the ambitious part, calling him an ego-driven narcissist. The ambitious part wants to get rid of the spiritual part, calling him an overbearing idealist. And neither wants me to write about thisâtheyâre much too invested in how others see me.
They shout at each other and make their cases, asking me to choose one of them to be in charge of my life. When I become exhausted with their fighting and choose one over the other, the exiled part only gets louder and louder. Try to imagine them as two children having a battle of wills, asking their parent to choose between them.
What these parts donât know is that theyâre not protecting meâmy true self, who doesnât know shameâbut other parts of me, who have their own stories.
As you can see, it can get pretty crowded inside you. But over time, you can get to knowâand loveâyour most prominent parts. Hereâs how.
1. Learn to recognize when your parts are trying to take over.
The warning signs are fear, anxiety, shame, extreme anger, and other strong feelings of unease. Rather than allowing these feelings to overwhelm you, or running away from them, try to see them as messages from one or more of your parts that are asking for your attention.
2. Listen to your parts.
What they want before all else is to have their stories heard by someone who will listen and understand. They may want to tell youâor they may be afraid to tell youâwhen they first showed up in your life and why. Your true self, who is compassionate, calm, and curious, is the ideal listener.
3. Mirror your parts and validate that their stories make perfect sense given their life experiences.
I might say to one of my parts, âI understand why you see life as a competition,â or I might say to another part, âIt makes sense that you want to go live in a monastery and meditate all day.â There should be no buts, no reasons why the parts shouldnât feel the way they do.
4. Show them compassion.
Itâs almost always the case that our parts are suffering, and have been for a very long time. Theyâre often frustrated and exhausted and afraid. It goes a long way to say to them, âWow, that must be hard to carry around that burden all the time.â
5. Thank them for trying to help youâeven if their methods havenât always been the best ones.
The last thing you want to do is scold a part for messing up. When we shame or exile our parts, especially our darker parts, they have a better chance of taking over our lives when we least expect them to.
6. Reassure them that youâre in charge and that you donât need them to do their jobs anymore.
Try to remember that their impossible jobsâto be the best, to be spiritually perfect, to avoid painâhave become burdensome, and they are exhausted. They really do want to give up these jobs and turn things over to you.
7. But our parts want to know that theyâre still needed, and so you donât want to fire them but give them new jobs.Â
For example, my ambitious part really is good at working hard, and he can keep doing that, as long as he knows that his job isnât to be the best. And my spiritual part really is good at connecting with a higher purpose, and he can keep doing that, as long as he knows that it isnât his job to be perfect or to banish any other parts.
8. Maintain a close connection with your parts.
Try to recognize them as soon as possible when they show upâand they will, believe me. Our parts need their stories to be heard again and again, maybe for the rest of our lives.
I realize that all of this might sound a little strange to youâtalking about parts as if theyâre separate from us. In truth, theyâre not separate, but sometimes we need more separation from them.
The best way for your true self to be in charge is to separate from your parts while letting them know that youâre still there, close by.
Because Iâm a writer and have had a lot of practice using my imagination, itâs been natural for me to visualize my parts. They tend to look like me at the age I was when they first showed upâusually when I was a child. Seeing them as separate from me, especially as children, allows me to access genuine compassion for them.
The work Iâve done with my âinternal familyâ has been some of the most important, rewarding, and spiritual work Iâve ever done. I encourage you to be open-minded and give it a try. It may turn out to be one of the best things you ever do.
Photo by h.koppdelaney
About Nicholas Montemarano
Nicholas Montemarano is the author of two novels, "The Book of Why" (2013) and "A Fine Place" (2002), and a short story collection, "If the Sky Falls" (2005). Visit him on Facebook and on Twitter.