“He who deliberates fully before taking a step will spend his entire life on one leg.” ~Chinese Proverb
Here’s the thing: I don’t know what to do.
About this thing, about that thing. About big things and small things.
About anything.
Actually, to be honest, even the smallest thing seems big when I don’t know what to do about it. The state of “not knowing what to do” is like some kind of Miracle Grow for small things in my mind.
This is not a new thing. Not knowing what to do is a particular and well-honed talent of mine. I can even juggle several not knowing what-to-dos at once.
For example, at the moment I don’t know whether to go away with my friends this weekend or not. And if I do will I take the train? Or get a lift?
I don’t know whether to take that new job. And if I do, when should I start it? What about all those other job offers that will flood through the door the minute I say yes to this one?
I don’t know whether to start the diet tomorrow. Or today. Or next week. Or not at all. I don’t know whether to call my counselor or ride this one out alone.
I don’t know what is best, what is right. I don’t know what I want to do.
Do you know what else I don’t know? I don’t know what to do about not knowing what to do.
And whenever I feel like this (which is not always, but often), I start not knowing what to do about things I did know what to do about before. Things I had already made decisions on, things I felt excited and sure about before, now feel wobbly and wrong. Even though I know the decisions felt right when I made them.
My brain starts questioning it all: What if I didn’t really know what to do then either, and just decided on something that wasn’t really the right thing to do after all? What if it turns out to be “wrong”? What if I acted on impulse and didn’t think it all through properly?
It’s like I’m mourning all the other possible options that will never, ever happen now because I didn’t choose them.
The little voice in my head chides me: If you choose option a, then such and such might happen, which could lead to x and then that may mean y. Had I known in the beginning about y, maybe I wouldn’t have chosen that original thing. Or would I? How do I know?
And this uncertainty, the worry, the anxiety, the not knowing, it isn’t picky. It doesn’t just stick to the thing I’m not sure about. It leaks. It seeps into everything else, so instead of feeling uncertain or anxious about one thing in particular, about one decision specifically, I feel anxious, uncertain, and worried full stop. I forget what started it. I just feel it.
I feel it in my chest, near my heart. In my throat. It feels like guilt, muddled with regret, with overtones of panic and an undercurrent of fear. It feels hard and cold, like a vice-like grip.
And I don’t like it. But I just don’t know what to do about it. So I do nothing. Except worry and be anxious that doing nothing is not the right thing to do. It’s exhausting, it’s frustrating, and it’s totally and utterly unproductive.
And the only thing that makes it stop? Is to just decide and do something. To just do anything.
And the only way to know what to do? Well actually, there is no answer to that one.
Other than to not worry about worrying. To not feel anxious about feeling anxious. To accept that there is no right answer.
To breathe. To try to feel beyond the worry, to try to feel the answer rather than (over) think it.
To stop trying to second-guess every possible outcome of every possible decision. To stop trying to control and account for every accountability. It just isn’t possible.
To trust.
I can’t know what will happen. I can’t know how I will feel about any of it. I can’t know whether the decision I make is any better or worse than any other decision I could have made because I am only ever going to experience the one path I do choose.
So I can only react with what I have, what I know, and how I feel, right here and right now. And I don’t need to know how to do that; I just need to do it. I just need to allow it to happen.
Back to my decisions. Well, I still don’t know what to do. I still don’t know what the “right” thing is.
But maybe that’s not so much of a problem after all.
Because I do know what the wrong thing is. And that’s to make no decision at all. Even if the decision I make is not to decide just yet—that is still a decision. Own it.
A friend once said to me, “Whenever the time is right, it will be the right time.” It helps me relax about my decisions.
I often wonder: Am I the only one like this? I don’t know that either, but if you’re with me:
Stop thinking it through. Stop making up what might happen. Because that’s what’s happening here, you’re just making it up. Just make the decision instead and enjoy the ride. Whatever it turns out to be, it doesn’t really matter—you can change it later if you really have to.
Whatever the decision is, just make it. What’s the worst that can happen, really?
Just make the decision and then be glad you did. Enjoy the freedom and the relief that follows.
Enjoy the present, indecision free. Because while you’re busy worrying about what might happen tomorrow, guess what? You’re missing out on all the great stuff happening today.
So just decide. Just relax.
Want to know the good news? The decision thing is just as leaky as the indecision thing.
Once I get going again, I know there’ll be no stopping me. I’ll breeze through decisions that floored me before. I’ll put those small things back in their place. And if it feels wrong, I’ll change it. I won’t worry about it. Things that felt a bit wrong and weird before just won’t matter anymore.
I won’t know where this whole confident, decision making thing came from. I’ll just feel it.
I’ll feel it in my chest, near my heart. It will feel like contentment, embracing joy, tickled with peace and flavored with lightness. It will feel soft and warm, like molten honey trickling through my veins. It will make me smile.
And I will love it. And I will do all I can to hold on to it.
That I do know.
So let’s just get started. Let’s just relax. Let’s just decide. And let’s never look back.
Photo by J. Tegnerud
About Emma While
Emma is passionate about positive psychology, avidly learning and applying its lessons to her life and work. Her own personal journey through stress, growth and discovery inform both her ChattingHappy blog and The Happy Catalyst facebook page with the hope of spreading happiness to others, one spark at a time.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
This blog resonates with me in so many different levels… “Do you know what else I don’t know? I don’t know what to do about not knowing what to do,” Funny; I was just telling someone about this earlier today! Thank U for sharing; exactly what I needed at the moment! 🙂
I do the exact same thing.
Every time it’s time to make a decision, I create this flowchart in my mind of all the possible outcomes. But then I quickly become overwhelmed with the amount of information this creates.
I contribute to my own data overload.
I’ve been able to overcome this by embracing the idea of a bad decision. If it happens, it happens. I realize now that most decisions can be recovered from, learned from, and adapted from.
I’ve come to the conclusion that a bad decision is better than no decision. That way you’re at least controlling your own outcome.
I think this is a very common problem that a lot of people struggle with. We over-think and ponder our problems instead of taking action and moving forward. Its important to remember that “perfection itself is imperfection” so that we can make our move and keep going instead of constantly getting stuck in our heads. Great post Emma, thanks for sharing 🙂
I guess it happens with all of us sometime or the other. I’ve been facing such a situation full of dilemmas in past few months. After reading what you’ve shared, I got to understand the hidden meaning, i.e. you just have to do what you want to do without thinking how to do it.
Thanks for sharing this post Emma. 🙂 God bless
I so could’ve written this. It’s something I’ve struggled with since I was a kid. Always wondering if this decision is right. If that decision is right. Picking out clothes for the day. Packing for a trip. Deciding to take the trip. It’s amazing I get anything accomplished. Everything done with an unhealthy dose of trepidation. Fortunately, I’m working in much the same way you are – just letting go. Some decisions are easier than others. But, as in managing my depression and anxiety, just doing something, anything, can be a catalyst to get us unstuck from the whirling trail of what ifs, if this then thats, and of course, how can I be certain… well, we can’t.
Thanks for sharing. Has given me something to ponder today.
Thanks Emma, feel like I could have written this myself. I drive myself in circles with the amount of options in my life. I’m not scared of limitations, I’m scared and anxious of being limitless.
I am the complete opposite of this! Sometimes I will make a decision and then realise perhaps I should have given it more thinking time! I have learned to slow down though – but not always!
Usually, I get so tired/bored of the indecision that I make a decision and move on. I’m impatient!
I guess we have to consider what is it that is keeping us in the state of indecision. Is it the fear of consequences, or something else?
– Razwana
Im exactly like this! Not knowing what is right or second guessing decisions because of fear of the unknown..or that ill miss out on something picking option a to b. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two years cause i wasnt sure how i felt about the future, and felt like something was missing. Now that we arent technically dating we still talk and have seen eachother a couple times which made me second guess my original decision of breaking up because things seem to be different”. I cant distinguish my feelings of wanting him because i dont have him, or just not used to having a change. I would like to work abroad in australia in the future as well which had a factor on my decision. Why can’t i just be happy with my decision of the break up but I feel myself still holding on and scared of the unknown without him? I want to be happy and just know that i made right choice. Any advice?
Amazing!! 🙂 this is exactly what i needed!
I can count on my hands the number of times I have made a decision without thinking it through. I PRIDE myself on really considering all of my options and deliberating before I made what I feel is the best choice for myself. But recently my boyfriend and I have been considering moving out of our apartment into a house–either rented or bought. And it terrifies me. For once I am really living in the moment and enjoy what comes and the idea of purposely shifting all of those things for a move is really scary to me. My boyfriend is the opposite of me: he frequently jumps into things with both feet, rarely considering the consequences, and really following his gut. It is so hard to blend our two styles of decision-making–without making the other feel like they have no say in the matter.
Just wanted to share my feelings on decision-making. I feel like as I’ve gotten older I am more and more able to listen to my intuition and make choices that I feel comfortable with right from the start.
nice to know I’m not alone in this — and by the comments here I REALLY know I’m not alone in this. Planning and making decisions to move me towards my goal is awesome — if I only knew what my goal is! I don’t know; is a goal of being happy a goal enough? Is that too open-ended? Too nebulous? I. Don’t. Know.
Emma While you rock! I like your style, straight to the point of “indecision” but it made me snicker at the thought of how true it is “what we do to ourselves”, so consistently but Hey its just what I needed to realize. Thanks for the smiles.
Thank you Emma for this ! For me, some decisions come naturally, others take time to mature, until the time is right… and then comes the right time. Deciding not to decide is an option, an acceptable one as long as it’s a conscious one, and is not forever.
Some decisions can’t easily be reversed though, and these definitely need more time. Maybe not so much to weight the pros and cons, because this may become an endless debate, but to make sure the guts feeling is right and genuine about the first intuition (which so often ends up being the right one !).
I am just like this, too. Even ridiculously unimportant decisions, like “which brand of mascara should I buy?” Thank you for sharing.
Hi Nicole, thanks so much for sharing your dilemmas. What a tough one. I’m not sure anybody could give you advice on that one other than yourself, but here are some thoughts: first; did it feel like something was missing with the relationship, or with life? within yourself? Secondly; Do you need to label this? (ie as having broken up, or as having got back together) – Does it work to see each other as you are now and relax into seeing what happens, or doesn’t happen? I know I’m always keen to have things neatly in boxes and labelled but if I just relax about that, suddenly there isn’t as much of a decision to make. Third: Can you separate the Australia thing from the boyfriend thing, unravel them? If you want that to happen, work on making it happen and what will be will be with the boyfriend when it comes to it. And finally: You can never really know that you made the right choice…I don’t think there is such a thing. But choice, there is definitely that and you have the freedom to choose to believe you made the right choice (if you see what I mean). We’re so good at post rationalising, and so good at berating ourselves about ‘stupid’ decisions, but if we put our minds to it we can use this to our advantage and convince ourselves we did the right thing too. Do you meditate? Maybe just sit quietly with your thoughts and see if you get any clarity that way. I have to say, the biggest moment of clarity I ever had on a great big tangle of indecision was sitting on a train staring out of a window thinking about nothing in particular…and suddenly it was all just SO obvious. I have no idea where it came from but I could have cried with relief! So probably the best advice is to just give yourself a break. I don’t know if any of that is helpful but I wish you all the best with your decisions, your relationship and your Australian dream, and thank you for reading my post :).
You’re so right Ericson. There’s a great Theodore Roosevelt quote I love: “In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Amy, those decisions take the longest for me! I can bore myself to tears mulling over totally inconsequential every day decisions like this. In fact I am surviving off the remnants of several manky old mascara bottles at the moment just to put off that very decision. SO glad I am not the only one.
Laurent, thanks for this. Good point about some decisions not being so easy to reverse…but there is usually another decision we can make further down the line to move things forward again if not return completely to where we where before. Trusting my intuition is something I have had to learn to do more and more. I used to think the bad feeling I got about certain things was fear or nerves, that I didn’t want to do something because I was scared of it. Turns out that feeling was a gut feeling that something was just plain wrong. Learned that the hard way and found myself without a job 3 months later. But, have since made other decisions that have got me to a much happier place than I was in even before that ‘bad’ decision. Thankfully. Definitely learning to recognise and trust that initial gut reaction is crucial. Thank you.
You’re welcome Bonita! thanks.
What better goal can there be Tara? Seriously, I do think that’s a great goal…but you will need to work out what it is that makes you happy and then work from there. There are different ways to do that…maybe that can be my next post…you’ve got me thinking!
Thanks for sharing Grace. And thank you for putting a positive spin on deliberation. Your take on considering all of the options is proof positive (if you forgive the pun) that positive psychology works. You and I describe the same thing, but I saw it as a failing and you are proud of it. I vow to be more like you from now on. I think the blend of decision making style between you and your boyfriend is a perfect match…tricky I know from experience, but a great balance. Good luck with the potential move…feel the fear and do it anyway!
Hurray!
Razwana, I love this: “sometimes I get so tired/bored of the indecision that I make a decision and move on.” I SO know all about that one. Sometimes I dwell on a decision so long the thing I was trying to make a decision about sort of expires and goes away before I get round to it! And great question you pose at the end…fear, in its various forms, is always at the root of these things isn’t it.
Thanks Phil, glad it resonated.
Thanks for reading David…I bet you get a lot more done than you give yourself credit for really. Happy pondering.
It’s a pleasure Divya, glad it has helped an all the best with your dilemmas.
That’s a great line Patrik “perfection itself is imperfection”. So true.
Excellent! I’m so glad 🙂
Thank you for sharing, Emma!
While relaxing and taking step by step, in my opinion, we also have to set our expectations right from the start. We often expect too much, too soon. One of my big areas to work on, at least.
Emma, you really speak for many here, huh? Me too, of course. Although, things started getting much better once I discovered that I have a body too, not just a mind running in all directions… 🙂
My body knows what to do. My body in in tune with me in a way my thoughts are not (it’s just because my thoughts have a different kind of job than my body, that’s all). I might not know whether to turn right or left, but my body just turns in the direction I really want to go.
That instinctual wisdom can be applied in all kinds of situations, not just when we’re walking. Which job to apply for? The one that makes me smile, or the one that my hands start typing about, or the one that my eyes start envisioning.
This is a valuable discovery for all -and even more so perhaps the many people who have spent years making decisions big and small with a partner – and suddenly have to do it on their own, with no one to support them through the process.
It is a discovery process, and it gets easier along the way. Don’t you find?
Halina you’re so right! One of my struggles is that I’ve spent so long and so much of my life ‘thinking’ and rationalising everything – including the feelings and emotions that no doubt carried much more wisdom in the first place. Shutting my head up so I can listen to the rest of me has been and will continue to be key. Once I get that quiet, the answer has a much better chance of popping up of its own accord as well. Definitely a discovery process.
With you there Jantje!
Thank you Emma.
Just unbelievable that this exactly expresses my present state of mind.
The guilt of indecision followed by procrastination followed by guilt in a vicious cycle is truly a messy thought process. Was trying to (unsuccessfully) express this just a day ago to my wife. She wonders why I think way I think, and I second that thought, but I do.
Been 6+ months since I resigned from a good n comfortable job to do something on my own. Still don’t know exactly what to do or which opportunity to pursue of the many or trying to find that magical idea that will be worthy of letting go of a long term stable (high paying) job to embark on an unknown path.
Your words more than resonated with me, and I thank u for giving a sense of relatability and some direction.
Thank you.
This is me. I can hardly believe I just read this. I really thought I was crazy or that my mind was more messy than the majority of the population. It feels great to know that I am not the only one with so many channels in my mind that keep arguing with each other. I have the hardest time making decisions. I am too doubtful, too hesitant and too worried.
I will read this article again.
Thank you for writing this.
Peace.
Perhaps it was a bit of both missing in life and relationship, hard to distinguish between the two. And its hard to not label things at times..but for now i think we will keep it as is. Do you have any advice on meditating? I would like to start practicing it. thank you 🙂
I would like to add this quote:
“Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret it either way; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both. Believe a woman, you will regret it; believe her not, you will also regret it; believe a woman or believe her not, you will regret it either way; believing a woman or not believing her, you will regret it both ways. Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will regret that too; hang yourself or don’t hang yourself, you’ll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy.”
You can interpret it they way you wish. I know what it means to me.
Written by Soeren Kirkegaard (my countryman as it happens) who, had he lived long enough, would have turned 200 a week ago and whose last name means cementary, literally! 🙂
And you know, more often than not, when the time comes when you don’t have much time left and you look back at your life it turns out to be the other way round: You look at anything you ended up doing (marrying or not, laughing or not, believing or not… and most importantly, not hanging yourself after all! :-)) and realize there is nothing to regret and everything to appreciate.
So perhaps it’s time to turn old Mr. Kirkegaard around and say: Marry and you will appreciate it, don’t marry and you will also appreciate it… etc.
With much appreciation 🙂
Halina
Også min landsmand.
Det er en fin vinkel at give citatet. Det vil jeg tage til efteretning.
Hilsener,
en dansker.
Well written. I am always at the I don’t know what to do stage it seems. I am afraid I will do the wrong thing. I definitely need work in the decision making dept. Thanks for sharing your article.
Mindfulness is the answer to all this not knowing.
Emma, to answer your question, no, you are not the only one like this 🙂 Your post made me laugh, because I completely relate to the inner mental flowchart and the way you describe it shows that you don’t take yourself too seriously. I particularly like “I can even juggle several not knowing what to dos at once.” I’ve got several going on right now that I am worrying about, and coupled with the worry attached to each not-knowing-what-to-do is, as you so accurately noted, the anxiety attached to wondering why I feel so anxious. It’s such a vicious loop and we exhaust ourselves running it. Your advice is sound and I’ll refer to it the next time I feel that way. In the meantime, I hope you can find strength knowing that others go through the same thing you do, and that you have helped us by sharing your story. I wish you the best!
Hi
I experienced the same thing as you did every now and then. Sometimes, I like to second guess whether the decision that I was making was the right one or could I take another path? But then I remember that the decision that I made at that point of time was the best decision at that point of time and tried to make peace out of it.
Another thing that works out for me when not knowing what to do is to take a deep breath and do nothing. Sooner or later, an answer or gut feel if you prefer to call it would appear suddenly in my head and I follow this answer. I use this technique quite frequently.
Wow, you are amazing with your description! That was so real to me, I was anxious reading it! Amazing skill you have to portray so clearly that I feel I am in your shoes! 🙂 What a great inspirational message! 🙂
I thought so too. I feel alone in my life.. my family, friends, and everyone around me won’t and can’t understand the real me. And I felt too frustrated about my life. I already made a lot of mistakes in my life not because I did not do the right thing but simply because I cannot afford to do the things I wanted in life. Because of this endless thinking and watching the whole world, I forgot to think about the “real me”, on how I make decisions and how to start. But this article told me that ‘there’s no answer to what’s the bad or right thing, but just DO IT and never look back.’…
I think the same way. I feel alone in my life.. my family, friends, and everyone around me won’t and can’t understand the real me. And I felt too frustrated about my life. I already made a lot of mistakes in my life not because I did not do the right thing but simply because I cannot afford to do the things I wanted in life. Because of this endless thinking and watching the whole world, I forgot to think about the “real me”, on how I make decisions and how to start. But this article told me that ‘there’s no answer to what’s the bad or right thing, but just DO IT and never look back.’…
I really needed this. My dad just passed and so I moved home to California from Utah.. but I don’t want to stay here and I don’t want to go back to Utah…so I just don’t know where to go or what to do or what will become of my life… but that’s okay… It’s all okay.
I have started to realize that the reason why people didn’t understand the real me was because I wasn’t showing them the real me.
You’re very welcome and judging by all the comments on here, you are certainly not alone!
Sarah, that’s a great insight!
Wow, what a lovely message thank you so much. I just sat down and let it all spill onto the page exactly as I was feeling it so I’m really glad it resonated with you too (although sorry for making you anxious!)