“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” ~Mary Anne Radmacher
The moment I gave thanks to the universe for placing me in the Philippines and giving me the courage to pursue a happy life of simplicity and love…
That very moment, riding on the back of a motorcycle, the wind rustling my hair and cooling me down from the sweaty heat that envelops the Philippines, a truck smashed into my left leg and shattered my knee.
Choosing to leave for the Peace Corps program in the Philippines was the toughest decision I have ever made. It was a choice between my boyfriend and the dream I had worked so hard for.
When he refused to entertain the idea that we could try a long-distance relationship, I was torn. I couldn’t believe it; our relationship was actually coming to an end.
My boyfriend and I had insisted that we were soul mates and made plans for our future together. Yet, our plans revolved mostly around his carefree lifestyle.
His ultimate goal was to live on the beach and surf all day. Meanwhile, I silently craved to work in international development. We tried to figure out how my life goals could be molded to integrate with his. I ached for his approval and support, but ultimately he gave me neither.
He felt I was leaving him behind and questioned why I was doing this. Questioning my decision to pursue the Peace Corps demonstrates that he did not understand me, which is partly due to the fact that I rarely shared my life goals with him.
He seemed disinterested in my priorities, successes, passions, and interests not because he was a jerk, but because he didn’t comprehend them. Thus, I stopped sharing.
I felt he did not appreciate my ambitious nature, and maybe this is because he had no ambitions himself. And while lacking drive and ambitions is totally okay for some, it isn‘t for me. Our relationship allowed me to discover that.
I served in the Philippines for four months before the accident happened. Despite the myriad distractions and assignments I was given, I was still heartbroken and had a difficult time getting over my ex as I adjusted to this new life and culture.
After the motorcycle accident, I seriously believed that the stars had aligned and the universe was trying to send me home to get back with my ex.
Being hooked up to the countless IVs and ingesting painkillers every couple of hours certainly exacerbated my vulnerability. The truth was that I hadn’t stopped loving him; not a day passed that I didn’t think about him.
I underwent two knee surgeries while in the Philippines and was sent home to recover and re-learn how to walk with my left leg. I arrived in the U.S. exactly two weeks before the massive Typhoon Haiyan ravaged the province where I was stationed. I was so blessed to be home recovering, and it was becoming painfully clear that the stars had aligned for reasons other than my ex.
In fact, I slowly began to see this accident as a huge blessing.
First of all, I was alive and had not lost any limbs or my ability to think. Second of all, I had evaded the worst typhoon in the history of natural disasters. Third of all, the freak accident was clearly a red STOP sign that was going to force me to take care of myself and my needs before attempting to care for others, whether it was a boyfriend or the Filipino schoolchildren who I was teaching English to.
During the last two years before I joined the Peace Corps, I was robotically clocking in and out of my life. Before the Peace Corps, my daily routine consisted of traipsing from an exhausting codependent relationship that destroyed my confidence to an unfulfilling but stable (read: unchallenging and boring) office job.
I realized that I had rarely taken any time to myself. I had failed to stop and ask myself, “How am I feeling? Why am I crying so much? Why do I feel so drained after hanging out with my boyfriend? Do I really want to serve in the Peace Corps or is it an attempt to escape from my problems?”
Coming home to recover from my injury forced me to reflect on what I had just accomplished in the Philippines. It was a moment to offer gratitude to the world for giving me a source of internal happiness and the desire to chase after some more of it. Working alongside a new community in the Philippines and executing literacy projects gave me such a rush! I was happy.
Happiness feels good, and so does sticking to my guns and leaving my ex-boyfriend in the past. We spoke briefly when I returned to the U.S., but our conversations left me feeling bored and kind of sad. I recognized that I had to let him go if I wanted to start moving forward.
It took courage for me to leave an unfulfilling relationship and pursue my goal to teach English for the Peace Corps.
While I lost out on my first love, I gained wisdom from the cultural exchange of ideas and values with the welcoming, humble, and resilient Filipinos who welcomed me into their homes. I also gained a heightened sense of self-awareness by immersing myself in this new culture.
More often than not, we fail to discern why our lives are falling apart in front of our very eyes. Instead of taking a moment to ourselves to listen and maybe even concede to our rational inner voice, we push forward in complacency.
Complacency feels nice, as it’s comfortable. Its soft texture wraps us up in a daily routine of predictability; we feel safe. It’s no surprise that we avoid change, as it brings discomfort and even pain. How could pain possibly bring us happiness?
We tend to silence our rational thoughts in favor of the loud, emotional ones that remind us just how painful pain can be.
Yet, these boisterous emotions admonishing us to continue living in a comfortable rut are actually scared thoughts that bark as they try to mask their fear.
Look beyond that noisy barking, and try to listen to your fearless inner voice. It may be quiet but it’s there, and it is asking you to sit still and listen to it every once in a while.
That night of the accident, as I was sitting on the back of the motorcycle, with my hair flowing to the tune of the wind, I felt so at peace. That quiet ride through the province allowed me to hear my usually inaudible inner voice.
When I heard it, I listened and it shared with me something I had not heard in years. “You are so happy in this moment. Look at the life you are living and enjoy it,” it told me.
As I gave a million thanks to the universe that night, it gave me the gift of a new chapter in my life. My gift was the chance to return home to pursue my career via a different route, only that now I was equipped with more confidence, happiness, and peace with my decisions.
While challenging ourselves in current relationships, friendships, and careers is definitely a scary feat, it is also a rewarding one that pushes us to grow into mentally stronger individuals.
Listen to your inner voice and see just how far you will go when you take a chance on yourself.
Photo by Patrick G
About Ashley Portillo
Ashley Portillo is a local and global volunteer committed to service and community development. A recent Returned Peace Corps Volunteer, she taught English in the Philippines and is working on creating a non-profit that will be an extension of her work in the province where she was stationed.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
very inspirational post.
We should always listen to out intuition. It always leads us to right path. but at the same time, taking those hard decisions as not for everyone. Some people are fine with their life and have no desire to move ahead.
But if you are one of those who want more.. step up and TAKE what you want from life.
Great story and thank you so much for sharing, Ashley!
It’s OK to be/not to be ambitious as long as it makes you happy… without stripping down the power of those next to you.
Sometimes people cross each other’s path only to indicate on what they really need to do with life. We learn and we teach. At times like this it is important to listen to your inner self and follow that voice of reason, then sit on the porch many years later and wonder what could have happened if you’d taken that opportunity by its tail…
Thank you for sharing your story. Very inspiring for me at this time in my life.
Thank you Ashley for sharing your story! This is confirmation to what I was feeling and thinking this week. God Bless you with all you hope for:-)
being unsatisfied with a simple life doesn’t make you a better person.
well if you want a detailed answer then you could check this islamtomorrow.com/purpose.htm
Thank you @LesyaLi:disqus!! I completely agree with you. Each person defines his or her happiness differently. I think it has taken me a while to come to terms with what truly makes me happy and to accept that it is different than what makes others happy. That was the disconnect in my previous relationship and instead of admiring my ex’s happiness with his own life, I was envious that I didn’t feel the same about my life. Today, I continue to pursue my goals but I also acknowledge that everyone has different goals that fulfill them 🙂
Not at all! What I have learned from my previous relationship and from the Peace Corps is that every individual has different goals and different ways that they define their own happiness. My ex-boyfriend is perfectly happy with the wonderful life he leads and instead of admiring that, I was kind of jealous that he was so happy and that I was not. I’m not a better person for following my dreams and pursuing my own happiness and he is not a better person for following his own journey. 🙂
Thank you for reading!! I am thrilled you found this applicable to how you have been feeling 🙂
Thank you! I couldn’t agree more, Vishal. We are all different and require a different fulfillment. We should definitely follow our unique path to our happiness, because our ambitions are all different from one another 🙂
Thank you for reading Ellie 🙂 I wish you all the best on your own journey!
Simply loved your post! I’ve recently ended a 7 year relationship because I wasn’t happy and while I struggle with it every day, I know that I made the right choice. It’s been difficult though to envision a future without him, but I’m slowly starting to focus on my own needs and happiness. Thanks so much for sharing Ashley and hope you have recovered from your motorcycle accident!
I have to say I am finding anecdotes like this increasingly problematic. I can’t help but feel it’s a little distasteful to use a natural disaster in which thousands suffered as a personal “teaching moment”. It seems only privileged Westerners (of which I am one, I admit) really do this. If the stars aligned to protect you, why not to protect those who did suffer? Are they somehow less deserving of good fortune? I’m not saying any of this to attack you, it’s more a train of thought in general that I am starting to be bothered by- make no mistake, I used to think similarly, but lately I’ve kind of started to see it as a bit of arrogant magical thinking. Do you have a way of reconciling this? Please know there is no tone or nastiness to this post, I’m genuinely wondering.
Also, “happiness” as an end goal really is a middle-class Western phenomenon. Not that we are unreasonable for seeking it, but it is a luxury, not a right.
That made me feel so much better ,I was feeling quite depressed before I read this and my thoughts where “I’ll go to tiny Buddha” and as always ,I can now cope with my challenges as I see how to best do it through these stories…many thanks for sharing and helping me cope ,just for today..right here right now..
Love this! I can totally relate. I, too, left an unfulfilling relationship with my first love not that long ago. It was so similar too: he was unambitious and I knew it had to end, yet I didn’t want to let go and soon my self-esteem was dependent on it and I lost sight of my future. I was considering joining an organization similar to the PeaceCorps but at the last minute backed out because my gut was telling me I was doing it to escape, not because I was completely invested in it. It’s funny how life works and how everything happens for a reason. I agree with you how hard it is to start over, start a new chapter, because change IS scary. But once we get into that next chapter, really get into it, we can be SO happy. Thanks!
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much for this. I was feeling extremely down and tired (running on no sleep), but this reminded me to appreciate all that I do have regardless.
It just like a diary written by six grade girl. My ex-boyfriend????