“Your heart knows the way. Run in that direction.” ~Rumi
“I know I should forgive but I can’t.” I squirmed in my seat as I said this to my teacher.
I said this immediately after I explained all that I’d experienced during our meditation exercise. In the meditation I’d had a vivid recollection of the constant verbal and emotional abuse I’d received from my dad.
It had been ten years since I’d lived at home, but I was still angry, still carrying all of those emotions from years ago. Instead of telling me all the virtues of why it’s important to forgive, my teacher asked me one question.
“Are you ready to forgive?”
“No,” I said.
“Then don’t.”
When he said that I burst into tears of relief.
At that time in my life so many people had been telling me about the virtues of forgiveness, suggesting different methods. When they’d see my resistance to forgiveness, they’d just tell me the same platitudes over and over again:
Forgiveness isn’t about excusing the other person’s behavior.
Forgiveness is for you not the other person.
Forgiveness frees you.
I intellectually understood what they meant. But I still couldn’t do it. I didn’t know why I couldn’t. I had started to feel guilty and shameful that I wasn’t able to do this one thing that so many people agreed I should do.
My teacher giving me space to not forgive gave me the permission to observe myself and my pain without judgment. This meant I could explore the subtle feelings and beliefs that I didn’t even know I had. I uncovered my resistance by asking myself:
How was not-forgiving keeping me safe?
At the time I was a perfectionist and was excelling in my career. I had risen quickly through the ranks of my organization because I pushed myself hard and did a great job.
At the same time there would be moments where I would go into extreme procrastination. I had learned that I procrastinated because I felt like what I should be doing was going to harm me. I stopped and went into avoidance mode whenever I was afraid that I was going to experience burnout or if I thought I would fail and be rejected.
I looked at my reaction to not forgiving my dad in the same way. I was avoiding forgiveness because something about the idea of it made me feel unsafe.
I sat down and wrote about why not forgiving my dad was keeping me safe. In my journaling I was surprised to see that I felt safe with the power I had in not forgiving.
Through a family member who had told my dad I wasn’t willing to forgive him I’d heard that he was upset that I didn’t. That knowledge, that small thing that I had control of when I hadn’t felt in control of anything regarding my dad, felt like vindication.
I wrote deeper:
Why was it so important for me to hold that power?
I realized that inside of me was still a teenaged girl living in the experience—she hadn’t graduated high school and moved out. She was still in that pain right now. In this moment. And that feeling of power was the only thing keeping her together.
It was shocking that I could feel her so strongly in my body. Mostly in my chest and in my stomach. The feeling was heavy and like sand I couldn’t leave that girl feeling powerless while she was still actively in the moment of pain. I had to give her something to hold onto so she could survive.
I didn’t try to correct my perception or be more positive. I just listened to me. I finally connected with the depth of pain I had been feeling all along and how often it was there without me even noticing. I wasn’t used to connecting with my body I wasn’t used to listening to myself without judging.
My teacher asked me if it was okay if instead of forgiving my dad if we released the energy that I was feeling from my body. I said yes, so he led me through a guided meditation.
In it I took several deep breaths and visualized that I was sending all of my dad’s energy and the energy of situation through the sun and back to my dad. By moving the light through the sun my dad would only receive pure light back, not any of the pain he’d projected.
I then took back my own energy, my authentic power, whatever I felt had been taken from me or whatever power I felt I’d given away. I visualized that energy moving through the sun and being cleansed so that all I received was my own pure light.
Then I visualized all the other people who had heard my story or actually witnessed what went on with my dad letting go of all their judgments and attachments, like streams of light rising into the sky.
After the meditation was done my body felt good. I felt lighter. I didn’t feel a part of me was caught in the past.
Suddenly I had a strong urge to forgive my father. And I did.
Over time I found that I still had more forgiving to do, but it was easier. I didn’t have to be convinced to forgive, I naturally wanted to.
What helped me the most when I couldn’t forgive was finally recognizing that forgiveness is more than making a mental choice and saying words. Forgiveness is a decision that’s made with the body and the soul. It comes naturally when it is ready.
If you just can’t forgive, I invite you to explore what worked for me:
1. Accept that you aren’t ready to forgive and trust your decision.
2. Ask yourself how not-forgiving is keeping you safe and listen to your truth without minimizing or correcting your beliefs.
3. Be present and feel where those beliefs are still active in your body,
4. When you are ready (and only when you’re ready) releasing the energy that does not belong to you and reclaim what does using the process I wrote above.
When we are willing to stop forcing ourselves to do what we ‘should’ do and actually listen to our truth in the moment, we expand our capacity for healing in ways we can’t even imagine. Including forgiving the impossible.
About Candice Thomas
Candice Thomas is the author of the book The Success Sense: Intuition for Entrepreneurs and Professionals. She teaches leaders how to use their own intuition to create tangible positive results in the world. Using her signature programs, her clients have achieved life-changing results and learned how to be spiritually connected and complete. Candice has been featured on the Mind Love podcast, Elephant Journal, Thrive Global, Bustle, Brit+Co and other media. For more information visit https://candicethomasintuitive.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
I’ve never understood why there’s such a push for people to forgive. If someone’s beliefs, religious or otherwise, tell them to forgive, good for them. It’s MY belief, my personal standards, that there are some things that are so bad they’re unforgivable. It doesn’t mean I’m harboring bitterness, or holding a grudge, or not “moving on”. It simply means that person’s action is unforgivable. That’s on them; it’s not on me. It’s not my burden. I’ve moved on; they’re the one who has to live with what they did.
I’ve never understood why there’s such a push for people to forgive. If someone’s beliefs, religious or otherwise, tell them to forgive, good for them. It’s MY belief, my personal standards, that there are some things that are so bad they’re unforgivable. It doesn’t mean I’m harboring bitterness, or holding a grudge, or not “moving on”. It simply means that person’s action is unforgivable. That’s on them; it’s not on me. It’s not my burden. I’ve moved on; they’re the one who has to live with what they did.
Gomek, sometimes I am very hard on myself. Used to think that not to forgive someone is to wish he/she was dead. From what I have learned, this is just a wishful thinking that children do but don’t really want any of this for anyone. It is fair to say you can’t put all the responsibility on yourself for someone else mistake. That what I did. That was a bad judgment. I did wrongly to myself because of this. I got some faith support and my mindset have been recovering from this kind of wrong thinking. This is the best work I have ever done for myself.
Cool blog. Considering the site is tiny Buddha.. everyone should remember in the Vedas it's explained life is illusion,. You don't even truly exist to be so offended at anything… only the SELF exists. The mind body ego is disturbed and trapped in the illusion. The truth is there is no doer or anyone who's had something done to them 🙂 how can the only total reality ( consciousness awareness) be offended !? It does to itself.. you're just a figment of its imagination.
i have really hurt myself by hurting my friend with some words of sexual intent. Regardless of this i was in a bad place mentally and I can explain in detail every single thing. And also spiritually I understand what's going on.. ego death so to speak.
when you hurt others you hurt yourself because they are your SELF .. not many people know this anyway …some hurt you and don't care ! Others ready do care and they self sabotaged their own best interests to lose you and grow inside and come back anew.
i have apologized briefly… Id love to explain all details.. I didn't ask " please forgive me " as that is not fair to pressure someone. If they want to forgive me they will. I forgive myself and I don't need another to say the words I can see in actions . Same way they can see in mine if I've changed …apologies are about changed behaviour not some lame words.
The saying “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison hoping the person who wronged you gets sick”
This was so needed to be heard! There are just so many people I have to forgive, but I just cannot. I joined therapy for the exact reason but left it mid-way because I just couldn’t do it. And after reading this, I feel so much better.
Thank you so much for sharing.
This is amazing! I too am tired of hearing “I must forgive, it’s for me not for them”. I can’t forgive and I think it’s because I feel like after I finally got some power, I would be giving it back if I did. But because all I ever read is how you SHOULD forgive and MUST forgive, I feel stuck because I can’t. This article was a breath of fresh air and I will definitely consider the strategies within.
Thank you Candice, I have been struggling with forgiveness for 30 years and I don’t want to be that person anymore. Your article helped me with one big insight – “How is not forgiving serving me?” I want to be a good person but when I can’t forgive I want revenge. So, this is falsely giving me power over my abuser. You have shown me a way out of this dilemma.
Well said! There is a time for all things
Forgiveness’s a act of falling upwards
i needed this. i haven’t forgiven my childhood abuser, despite being told through DBT and Buddhism that I “should”. now i wil mentally prepare myself, but not push myself, to work on your list.
Trying to see how to apply this when the one you can’t forgive is yourself.
I agree. When you force it, the unforgiveness remains and manifests itself in an unhealthy, different, unperceived way.
I don’t feel the need to forgive because no one has asked me to forgive them. I have accepted there are some things, in this current physical lifetime, only the power of the universe, known to many as “God,” can forgive. I do not have the knowledge to understand why certain people chose to do what they did to me. I have no data on which to base a judgement that would give me the power to make a decision to forgive. If they asked for forgiveness, sure. I could give it, but I would still not want to spend any time with them. I would still stay in non-contact due to the cyclical and pernicious nature of the abuse I survived.
I can move forward with my life and try to make sure I do not repeat or allow to be repeated upon my progeny, what was done to generations of children in my bloodlines, including those who became my parents. I have learned what I need to learn from the ancestors who paid the abuse they also experienced, forward upon their children, grandchildren and in some cases, great-grandchildren.
My job is to do better by way of my descendants, and I am thankful I have the knowledge and experience to do so. I am grateful to be alive in a time and place where I have access to the data that helps me understand the abuse I endured did not start with me.
Very powerful lesson. Thank you
Wow. I’ve not heard it put this way before, but I’m definitely going to give it a try. Like so many others here, I’ve heard ‘forgive for yourself not for them’, but just saying the words, even in my head, doesn’t really, actually, do or change anything. I didn’t know why. Now perhaps I do. I shall look at this carefully, probably print it out so that I can examine it when I forget. Thank you.
I need to hear this today. I am having a tough time forgiving my ex for cheating and lying about things in general. And I realized now that I don’t want to forgive because to me, that gives him the free pass of getting away without any consequences. Atleast, now I know why i refuse to forgive
Wow… I also needed this. I have done some forgiving but it’s the forgetting that is the tough part. The platitudes are brutal. I love the question: How is not forgiving keeping me safe? Exactly. Our gut/intuition tells us to be on guard after we’ve been so tremendously hurt. Mine has to do with infidelity in my marriage (husband cheated for over 1.5 years both emotionally and physically) … that was a huge abandonment trigger/rejection trigger/you always get chosen last or by default trigger for me from my early life’s traumas and losses. He (my cheating spouse) assumed after he made amends that I could be willing to move on and forgive and work on a new, healed marriage. But this the recovery for myself and from his affair and my past and the healing is taking longer than he wanted and I will no longer live on his calendar or time line. I am now working with a sex trauma therapist on early sexual abuse and the sex abuse that the affair feels like… being compared to another woman, knowing her choose her for her sexual “service” and willingness when I was struggling with menopause issues and these early sexual trauma memories bubbling up. Now with all the work I’ve done on myself… I am no longer the same person nor do I see him the same way. Our marriage was not perfect (whose is??) but I trusted him 100% … the only man I ever did this with. Now I just don’t trust him anymore. I can forgive even more I think on my own because I know this lack of trust means we are over. He ended the most precious thing about us besides our children… our trust together – when he cheated. There’s no coming back from me. Stay well all. Tough times to be working so hard on these issues. Thank you for this great article and your honesty. Peace.
Thank you so much. Now I’m understanding why I have yet to forgive my mother. I will take your suggestion and run with it. God bless.
See what I wrote above as Mollymagee.
Beautifully put… see what i posted as mollymagee….above.
Relatable. My father was far more abusive than my mother, and even though he might be on his last leg (Suffered a stroke) I chose to walk away rather than forgive him. He isnt sorry for what he did to me anyways.
Disagree. WHen you cannot forgive someone else, you forgive yourself.
Yes I agree.i have spent countless time on trying to be understood with the intuition to reconcile differences with my dad for 13 years now. He has asked for forgiveness and has apologized . But he still doesn’t understand what he really did.. I understand why he can’t get it and I have really forgiven him but don’t want a relationship with him,
He just can’t or want understand and that is his choice or responsibility to the relationship not mine. I’m disappointed but good with it . My standards and values or mine and that is more important to me.
Oooo, I love this. Getting in touch with the body and feeling the locked-in pain. The release sounds wonderful and healthy. The empowerment gained is so beautiful and peaceful.
I spent YEARS thinking I’ve forgiven the abuse I’ve suffered. I am a very efficient, logical person so I’ve always thought that I could rationalize my way to forgiveness – that they were abused too and doing their best in their own way, that anger, hatred, and other negative and ugly emotions would only hold back my own healing, that it’s useless and unproductive being unforgiving. It’s only now that I realized I’ve been disrespecting and hurting myself the most by shaming and disowning the parts of me that are still in pain, still terrified and powerless and stuck in those memories, and I’m literally trying to tear away the hatred and anger that’s the only thing giving them a sense of control. I think I can forgive, one day, but only when I’m ready. Not now. I just feel sorry for all those times I judged other people for not forgiving and thinking that they’re just hurting themselves. Things are never that simple.
so close to my story — it has been 25 years and I am still living with it
There was absolutely nothing wrong with the comment I made other than it presented another perspective. It’s pretty sad that you felt the need to delete it because it challenged your premise.