I wrote this letter to my extended family years after I chose to become estranged from my parents because many of them cut me out of their lives instead of reaching out to hear my side of the story.
It pains me that I have lost contact with some of them because they refuse to see the full picture, and at times I feel as though I have lost a part of myself. Yet, at the same time, I am free.
The letter you are about to read comes from a place of acceptance and longing. I have chosen to share this letter publicly because I suspect I’m not alone in what I have been through, and I hope my experience can be helpful to others in some small way.
—
I never meant for you to get hurt or caught in the crossfire. I never meant to place you in a situation where you found yourself questioning your loyalties and what you thought was true.
From the outside you saw a happy home. You saw a child receiving educational opportunities and the latest technology, fashion, and trips around the world, and having birthday parties with friends and family.
You saw pictures of vacations and holidays where everyone was smiling and appeared to be happy. You read the Christmas cards and email updates describing family vacations, accomplishments, and happy memories.
You read about my sister getting sick, and you believed the beautiful story of a family coming together to overcome this adversity.
At a family gathering you watched as my parents presented me with a gift before I went away to university. They acted so proud, and you found yourself thinking “What kind and loving parents.”
Then, without warning, you found out that I was not speaking to my parents and they were not even invited to my upcoming wedding.
Maybe you thought about reaching out to me to hear my side of the story, but you didn’t. Instead, you contacted them and you believed their story.
You began to think that I was nothing more than a rude, entitled, spoiled brat who had decided that she didn’t need her family anymore and didn’t want to help her sister with her ongoing health problems because she was marrying into a “better family.”
If you did contact me, you tried to convince me to change my mind. You didn’t listen to me and you became frustrated. You declined my wedding invitation and sent me a pity gift out of duty, or you chose not to respond at all.
The years passed, and when another family member mentioned my name, you either said nothing or asked if I had “grown up and started speaking to my parents again.” Or, you questioned why they would want to continue to have a relationship with me.
What you don’t realize is that I tried. Behind the family gatherings you attended, the pictures you saw, and the stories you heard, a very different picture was being painted. I kept quiet about this picture, and I even helped to paint it out of fear and shame.
At times, I desperately wanted to believe that this picture was true. I tried to convince myself that it was, but I have learned that you can only endure pain and abuse for so long before you either give into it, surrendering yourself in the process, or fight to break free.
After I left for university, I began to change how I saw the picture and I began to accept it for what it was, not what I so desperately wanted it to be.
I reached out to my parents many times, I invited them to come and visit me, and I suggested activities that we would all enjoy together. I came home for holidays and tried to connect with them. I bought them gifts and tried to fill my old role within the family.
Each time I reached out I was rejected; they made excuses as to why they couldn’t come and why they didn’t have more time to spend with me over holidays, and they continued to find ways to tear me down. The pain of this rejection ate away and my sense of self-worth, and I started to question why anyone would love or take a genuine interest in me.
I invited them to award ceremonies and concerts, and while they appeared to express pride over these accomplishments, the story they told me was the same as it had always been:
“You will never amount to anything. You are going to come to a sad end. They only gave you that award out of pity. You only accomplished that by luck. If you had worked harder you could have gotten first place. You are never going to have a successful career—that’s just a pipe dream.”
I never told you about these comments or how they tore apart my self-esteem, causing me to question everything I did and everything I knew to be true, because they told me that you would never believe me, and I didn’t want to cause more conflict.
Out of a sense of compassion I let my parents keep their picture, all the while hoping that you would see mine and reach out to me and be part of my life again.
I hope you understand that no one comes to a decision like this lightly. For most estranged children, this is one of the hardest choices we ever had to make. A choice that we have agonized over with our friends, other therapists, and in the silence of our own minds.
Often it takes years of hurt and pain to accept that we will never have the adult relationship that we want with our parents.
We are taught that relationships with family are the most important relationships we will ever have, and we are socialized to believe that we should continue to have these relationships no matter how they impact us physically and psychologically.
Society has painted a picture of the estranged child as being the problem, the emotionally unstable one, the one who asked their parents for money so many times they bankrupted the family and had to be cut off.
Rarely do you hear the voices of the other side, the voices of the children so desperate for love, validation, and approval that they feel empty and continue to try harder and harder until they break. The children that long for their parents to take a genuine interest in their lives, without judgment, and walk alongside them in support during every phase of life.
But for some of us this picture will never be, and we can either be consumed by that longing or accept the picture that is. I know that this may seem harsh, but sometimes acceptance holds the key to a better life.
Once I accepted the picture that is, I was free. I still saw parents helping their children buy supplies for university, but I no longer wished my parents would come and help me.
I still watched the proud parents with the graduates at convocation and longed to be one of them, and I still found myself imagining what supportive parents might have said at my convocation and my wedding, and yes it still hurts. It might always hurt.
At the same time, I am free from the hope that maybe this time they will come, maybe this time they will be proud of me, and maybe this time I will be enough. I can grieve the loss of what I had hoped for, accept what is, and move forward with my life.
If we ever talk again, you might ask me, “Would you ever talk to your parents now, now that you have grown up and are living the life you want?”
As I start to answer that question I find myself again imagining the relationship I had longed for and still long for, but I stop myself. Instead I will ask you a different question: “Can you please forgive me for the choice I had to make and be a part of my life again?”
Grandma wisely said, “Every choice we make will hurt or impact someone, but sometimes you need to do what is right for you.”
When I chose to stop speaking to my parents, I had to not only grieve the loss of them but you as well.
I don’t feel I can call you and reminisce about that time you taught me how to parallel-park, my failed attempt at making grandma’s Christmas pudding, or the camper I saw that reminded me of the one that grandpa had that we used to play in.
I have no one who has lived through those memories with me to reminisce with, and this only fills me with a greater sense of loss.
If we ever talk again you might ask me: “Do you hate your parents?” The answer is no, I don’t hate them. The truth is I don’t feel anything for them anymore. In my heart I have forgiven them for the pain they caused me, but I don’t want to open the lines of communication to tell them that, not yet, maybe not ever.
As I think back on the relationship, and those years of pain, I acknowledge this experience has made me who I am today.
I strive to live a full life. I fill my days with activities and work that bring meaning to my life and the lives of others. I trust my instincts and I am aware of how people and situations affect my well-being, and I work to reduce the negative impact of these factors whenever possible.
I’m opening up about this experience because I hope you will start to paint a new picture that allows me to be a part of your life again. But if you don’t, then let me use this experience to help others.
I have learned that some people can only give us so much, and I am grateful for the only gift my parents could ever give me—my life, a life I will live to the fullest, and one I want you to be a part of it.
—
To anyone struggling with the choice to become estranged from their parents, let me ask you these questions:
Have you tried many times and been rejected? Do you feel that nothing you can ever do or be will be enough? And finally, do you hear their voices inside your head and then question your ability, your instincts, and your self-worth?
If so, you may need to let go. If you do decide that this is the right choice for you, you will grow in ways you never imagined, and with that growth will come a sense of peace and self-love. You will learn to trust yourself and to care for yourself physically, psychologically, and spiritually which will lead to improved happiness and health.
Researchers have found that abused children do not stop loving their parents; they stop loving themselves. After I stopped speaking to my parents, I became more confident, I began taking risks, and I learned for the very first time to love myself and accept the journey I am on.
I earned two bachelor’s degrees, a master’s, and I started my PhD. I taught at prestigious arts schools and wrote and had articles published. My point is not to brag, only to point out that had I not let go of the relationship with my parents, I never would have accomplished any of these things.
Their stories of what they thought I was incapable of and what I couldn’t be would have held me back, because I would have believed them. My relationship with my parents would have been like a dark seal that I would never have broken through.
If this is true for you as well, know that you likely will not be alone if you decide to cut ties with your parents; odds are, there will be people in your life that will support you and even take on part of the role a loving parent would have taken. These people might be friends, friends’ parents, neighbors, colleagues, or even extended family. Any number of people might step up once they understand your story.
They will be grateful for what you bring to their lives and will love and support you unconditionally. It will not be the same, but you will cherish these relationships because they are positive.
A part of you may always long for a supportive relationship with your parents, but don’t fight this feeling; acknowledge it as a part of your journey.
You might even find yourself questioning this choice years later and wonder if time could have healed this relationship. Remember why you made this choice, remember the pain, and trust that you made the right decision.
Also, realize that you didn’t make this decision alone, although it may feel like it. Your parents helped to make this choice with you through their attitudes, their actions, and their refusal to be a part of your life in the way you needed them to. Knowing this may help to ease your feelings of guilt.
And know this: If you are estranged from your parents, you are strong because you have taken back the paintbrush and are now free to repaint your picture with those who love and support you.
—
UPDATE: In response to some of the reader comments questioning her decision, Jen has posted a video follow-up to her article on YouTube here.
About Jen Hinkkala
Jen Hinkkala is PhD student, researcher, and teacher of arts education in Canada. She strives to understand what factors and experiences lead to higher levels of wellness, resiliency, and self-care among arts educators and students. Jen is also a life coach and specializes in self-care, well-being, time management, performance anxiety, estrangement, overcoming abuse, career paths, and anxiety. Jen runs a support group for estranged adults and a group to support personal development. Follow her here: Twitter / Blog.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Wow!!!
You just dropped into my life and filled the emptiness in my story of abandonment by a skilled display of Motherhood.
I’ve been unconsciously seeking others like us that have survived the unimaginable existence without the love/support that parents naturally provide.
Thank you for your story of strength and truth!
I read every single word with a jolting shared acknowledgment of your loss and disappointment.
We are more than strong!
We are more than resilient!
We are more than loved without them!
I will follow your lead with my concurrence and understanding of our past abuse by those that only gave us life…and that is the ONLY thing that I’m thankful for!
My LIFE…not theirs!💪🏼
Tracey Joslin
Hello Jen.
I appreciate your sharing of your sensitive situation. Your piece helped me. While I am not estranged, a life of judgement and disapproval from one parent has done its damage. I accepted bad jobs, abusive bosses and partners who were willing to capitalize on my issues.
Decades later I am still grappling with and undoing the lies that I have allowed to hang over me and have a tremendous effect on my self-esteem. To make it worse, I have in the past dismissed my other loving and supportive parent who was smart enough to divorce the offender. I am finally starting to fully embrace all that she has offered in my life and see how truly fortunate I am to have her. I wish I hadn’t placed such value on a broken father’s opinion. I read long ago that accepting responsibility for my reaction to bad parenting is the start of growing up. I agree with your comments that we all go down this path differently and I am happy that you found a solution that works for you.
While I am unwilling to 100% separate myself, I have found healthier emotional guards and negated his lies going forward. It is freeing and scary to stand up for myself and I am moving forward in baby steps. Part of those steps is working on my life’s dream, which he always put down, and not worrying about the outcome. Clearly I have already dealt with rejection from someone I should have been able to depend on. I turned that pain into being a loving and supportive parent (again, I did have a beautiful example of what to do here, thank you Mom).
I know our situations are quite different, but your sharing is inspirational and I wanted to let you know that it has helped.
I wish you continue success in life. Your instinct to share shows that you are doing a great job.
P.S. As a high school teacher, prior to standardized testing season each year, and often parental pressure on students to perform, I would play Alanis Morissette’s song “Perfect” in class. It’s about that exact stress. I can’t tell you the sobbing that would ensue. I would tell them to study, do the best they could and then let it go. It’s a test, not life or death, and they should give themselves a break. I can’t express the gratitude they showed for someone understanding.
Thanks Jen, you gave so much light and ease to a estranged child like me. I can totally relate, thanks so much, your experience help a lot of people I know, that’s for sure. Sending virtual hugs to you.
I have no other relationships. I have a mental illness. I have no money and no job. I’m trapped in hell. I would rather suffer here until I die or kill myself.
Hi Jen I just wanted to say that when I was reading your story I felt you 🙂 I know how it’s like and I was proud of you in every part and step. I’m a 16 year old and my parents had abused me and threatens me and always shove these statements into my face like “you’re life is gonna be miserable, you will not be successful, you will not become a doctor (I’m trying to be one), you’re a bad person, it’s all your fault. But hear this. I was always good with them no matter how much they sided with my jealous toxic siblings (3 brothers) and made me cry a lot of times led me to suicide for 2 times made me question myself that I’m not going to achieve anything and I cannot reach my dreams. They forced me to study for becoming a doctor they stole my childhood dream to become an actress. They never defended me in front my teachers and my father had always talked badly to me and not to mention both my parents are liars and backstabbers. I never told them about my life and they judged cause I’ve tried before and I wasn’t happy with the results they just made it worst or ruined it. They judge me they know nothing about me. I never tell them about my health problems too cause my mom just sits there and nod doesn’t care that I’m in pain or I’m hurting. The thing is they’ve got me depressed and call me crazy that I have to go to an asylum my second brother and my parents they always use this phrase “Asylum facility”. They made my life a hell I’m always in my room locked myself out from the real world. I barely communicate with them like 5 minutes a day or less and they still judge me. I’m the youngest in the family they never took my side never ever for once when I was the right one no matter how my brothers bested me or disrespected me. The worst is my mom then is my dad cause she always plays the victim card to make me sad when she’s a monster no one likes her in the outside people like me so this must be it she’s the one who’s bad not me who she calls and my father lies she does too they don’t know they made me disappointed to the point that I went crazy in y head for days how much their lies had a big impact on my lifestyle. They just want to fight with me. They never say they love me. They never ask me how I am. Do I need anything? If I’m dead or alive. Never checks on me
I just want to graduate and go and put an end to this misery that I’ve been dealing with for years since I found out more about the world and people to take the hint. They always said others are better your classmates. They never sent me to a class to learn something. I don’t have any friends no one at all. I’m all alone. But I just want to get out of this life away from them cut them out but I’m living with them for one more year. I don’t know how I will be able to cut them out. Whatever I’ll do they’ll never be good with me. I’m deciding to study extra this year and go to 12th grade instead of 11th, why? Because of getting away from them soon. I never heard them ask me. What makes you happy or feel good. I always forgive them and never took a grudge on them but they hate me and curses me and wish bad for my future life and forgets all the good things I’ve done for them.
Thank you so much for this wonderful post. I have a very, very similar story and feel so betrayed by so many friends and family members who refused to listen to another side of a very complicated story. The loss I feel at time and the ultimate betrayal is something I struggle with regularly. But in the end, we must think about our own well-being. Family should got get a free pass to treat you poorly – they should treat you better than anyone in your life. It’s always nice to know that we’re not alone in our feelings and I truly appreciate your honestly. All the best always…
Thank you for your courageous post. It took me a long time to finally go no contact with my mother, and yes, it was very difficult and sad in the beginning. There was a lot of mourning to do, but it’s better now. I’ve had more space and time to reflect on who I had to be in order to be in my mother’s life and I didn’t like who I had to be. If you were to meet my mother in a social setting, you’d like her. She’s charming and outgoing. All those family pictures make us look like the perfect family, but our family was the epitome of dysfunctional while looking good.
People would say, “but she had a painful childhood” or “she’s doing the best she can” and I would feel guilty. Finally, with enough therapy, I realized I can’t heal my mother’s pain. I can only heal my own pain and live the life I’ve been given as best I can.
Do you have a social media page, Jen? I would like to follow you if you’re offering this kind of material. There isn’t enough of it.
Hi Jen,
Thank you for sharing this post.
Feeling that you’re not accepted and loved unconditionally by the people who gave you life is so incredibly hard and painful.
It makes you question who you are and your worth as a person.
And you are right there is a relief that comes with accepting that the situation will never change.
You described this process very beautifully, I hope you continue to find love and peace on your journey xx
Thank you for this open and courageous post. I have a very similar experience and it was really so nice to be able to read this and understand how it’s impacted someone who has cut off communication. I haven’t been able to do that as it’s not common in my culture but I’ve tried to reduce communication to pleasantries and no personal sharing of information as that’s what’s often used to bring one down.
I already feel the difference in myself. You spoke of the sadness that they’re not going to be there but the self love that grows and I can totally see that.
Thank you for sharing your story ❤️
I’m very sorry for what you’ve been through with your parents. Your siblings should have been more supportive! They must have seen the difference in the way you were treated compared to them. Not fair and very wrong and my heart goes out to you.
Thank you for this this from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you for your share that make me realise that I am not alone in my situation. I decided to cut the communication with my mother in last december. It was verry difficult for me because since I was a kid I tried to take care of my mother , I supposed it was the way for me to convinced her to love me like I needed. I tried to have a better relashionship with her a lot of time. When I was a teeneager she abused me mentally and physically but I always minimise the impact of what she did to me because in my head its what I deserved for not being a good child. She said so many time that I don’t have heart that I finnally started to believe that it was true. I think my heart was dammage for this relashion ship for a long time and since 2 or 3 years I started to see her less and less ans I met so good friend that make me believe that I maybe deserve love finally. In december , I decided to not see her anymore because I had to let go of the image that I want her to be for me (a mother). I decided to take care of myself and not of herself , to take care of the little girl inside of me in need of love.
I didn’t want to hurt her because its like you said even she did terrible things to me i still love her but now I try to love me more and I don’t want her to be part of my life anymore for now.
🖤
Good morning
Jen first I’m so sorry you experienced so much pain and lose . I read your writing and so much seems to ring true to my own life experience.
It’s a hard lesson to learn to parent ourselves and except we all have our own expectations of what life should be.
As I write this I to find myself on that path of accepting myself and needing much rest right now as I start rebuilding my strength to trust and let love in from those who I choose to tell my story of pain abuse and lose of childhood innocents ,
I tried many times to find love and acceptance from my parents only to be rejected or maybe it was my miss trust of those who should have been my care givers.
Right now I don’t even know who I am . All I know in my heart having kept a lid on this for what I know to be my whole life time , I am never going back to having anyone tell me don’t talk . That kid is of it out people have to deal with it . I’ve had to live with it I’ve lost . I’ve survived and life can only be on my terms now , I have nothing but admiration love and big respect for you .
Victorious we will be xx
Thank you so much for sharing. I have had to let go as well as there is no road to understanding. It takes 2 parties who are willing to look at faults and errors, and to grow, back together. If the other family member or members can only see negative and are defensive, the wall will forever stay up. Walking back into false family togetherness is more damaging than staying out of it. In fact, I advocate for gathering loving healthy positive people close and moving away from those who make us doubt our worth and make us work so hard to gain attention and something that looks like love.
Ditto.
Funny…..I NEVER felt even a twinge of guilt about it. And I am an HSP so you would think I’d take that guilt on. After, I let them go, I felt quite literally a dark gray cloud lift from me (as they let go of me?). I could start to breathe.
The rest of my entire family does not speak to me (19 years already) and my closer relatives took on the role of punishing me. I didn’t put up with it – I fought back. Against my God-like Doctor Uncle. My sister, my Aunt, etc.
Yes I’m alone, no family. But I’m very strong and happier, freer.
Didn’t want this soap opera to happen…but then I didn’t create Their “stuff”.
Hi Jen
This was a very interesting and heartfelt post written from your point of view as an adult child who chooses to remain estranged from parents who are at fault because the problem lies with them.
It will be even more interesting when you find that you yourself have become a parent whose adult children reject you and estrange themselves from you, after deciding that the problem lies with you.
Then you will see both sides of this situation. You will see many truths that you don’t, can’t or won’t see now. But sadly, by then, it will probably be too late.
Unless both sides are willing and able to show love, forgiveness, compassion and mercy to each other now, everyone just continues to lose, and to miss each other, often forever.
Jen, this reply will be clumsy and incomplete, as the topic hits close to home. Of course my heart goes out to you for your pain. Those of us who had abusive childhoods continue to struggle with the after-effects even when we have grown and learned and transformed, through therapy, spirituality, etc. I would just like to add a somewhat different perspective, not at all negating or disparaging your choices, which seem to be working powerfully for you, just to offer an “and” not a “but”.
Of course, as you came to realize, we MUST refuse to allow others to abuse us and even more, we MUST protect ourselves from absorbing the negative self-image messages they send. As I often say to clients, just because someone hands you a plate of s*** doesn’t mean you have to ask for a spoon :). However, the true power within (because “power over” is so tenuous) is being able to occasionally be exposed to them, even with their negative energy, and still remain centered and totally safe, refusing their “offering” while perhaps not needing the total estrangement which both feeds their “victim” story (and lets them avoid looking at themselves) and loses you the company and sangha of extended family.
For me (and everyone’s story, resources, and circumstances are so different), finally learning to set VERY strong clear limits on what I would engage with and when it was time to withdraw decisively though temporarily, and finally learning that “it’s just sound waves” (once I was no longer the easy target of the physical abuse), allowed me some precious time, in the years before my Mom passed away, of finding out strengths and caring I never knew I had. And now I know that while I will decisively avoid situations of unnecessary pain, I also am strong enough to be in the middle of pain, which may sometimes be inevitable, and not turn it to suffering.
That said, sometimes a full break when possible is our most powerful choice, and I am glad you have found support both internally in your wisdom and externally in your friendships and your generous sharing.
Thank you for this beautiful share! I decided to do this with my bio-parents a couple of years ago after many years of physical, mental and emotional abuse. In fact, my bio-mom called me yesterday and I just reaffirmed my boundaries saying I had no interest in having any relationship to her and my bio-dad.
Even as an adult, I kept hoping one day they will really see me and love and accept me just as I was. After leaving a terrible, abusive relationship, I was homeless with 4 kids in tow trying to get my life together. We were jumping from home to home- friends helped as much as they could. It was so stressful, difficult and one of the darkest times of my life. I finally found a little space in a temple and began building my life from there. During that time, my biological dad (as I address him) was very ill and my biological mother begged me for help. I abandoned the little temple space to help them. I stayed and helped. When I needed help babysitting while working, my bio mom demanded I pay her to watch her own grandchildren (even though I barely had any money). Finally when my bio dad got better, he told me to get out and never once thanked me for my sacrifices. He continued to say I brought all the bad things into my life (hardship and struggle) because I was stupid and called me all kinds of terrible names and said he would never help me. My bio mom just sat there and nodded her head in agreement as she always did. I was hurt and became livid! I didn’t deserve this treatment and I no longer needed to maintain this dysfunctional relationship anymore just because we were tied by blood. My friends treated me much better than my family ever did. I choose a family of choice, not origin. My life has been better without their constant criticism and judgement. I am free.
I can’t tell you how much I admire and respect you for breaking away. I just wish I’d had the courage to break away from my emotionally and physically abusive adoptive father and his equally toxic second wife decades ago, not doing so has left me with numerous regrets As for the rest of your family. They may possibly be in denial. After all, who wants to believe that members of their family have acted as your own parents did. Perhaps you have heard the saying ” You can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends” Choose carefully whom you allow into your life. Take care and the best of luck for the future.
I’ve been waiting to make a connection with others that have been through the same kind of pain and challenging discourse as I have growing up with parents with a dysfunctional point of view towards relationships and power; I finally hit the jackpot! ✨
P. S. I could have written this article; Lord knows I’ve gone through these same challenges of abandonment and pain within my own immediate family.
“Every day connections are more important than we ever believed. Science tells us that relationships have the power to shape our brains. Relationships help us learn better, work better, parent better. When we experience tough times, they help us heal. With each connection, we develop a healthier, stronger community.”
It is true…if we keep searching and believing in the power of healthy connections in making sense of our painful world, we open up to the possibilities of hope, and others who can help us understand and make somewhat sense of where we’ve been.
I am working on that and can let you know when I have it up. I do have a facebook page and you can find the link on my bio.
Thank you for your kind words. Pictures can be very deceiving and sometimes people can’t and don’t want to look past them. We should not feel as thought we have cope with they way that someone treats us because of their past but at times we do out of compassion. It can be very difficult.
I have been very fortunate to have the support of close friends who understand what I went through. Thank you for your kind words.
Thank you for opening up to me about your experience. Family situations can be very complicated but toxic relationships can be so unhealthy that sometimes we have no choice but to walk away.
I am sorry you have lived through such hardship but I am gland that you have support.
I’ve just replayed to Serena because she brought up a very good point. No one is saying your wrong, just that it’s not so cut and dry especially when you siblings were treated the same but it affected you more deeply. You didn’t mention discussing your feelings with your parents and maybe in some ways an attempt at that could have very been all that was needed to avoid the estrangement. Not judging, just saying.
Cultures place an importance on staying connected with family at all costs and yet this can be very damaging when family members are toxic. I am glad you have found a way to cope that allows you to protect your well-being. Thank you for your kind words.
My siblings have been treated the same way as me but are still in denial about the situation. I do not have much of a relationship with them because they continue to tell me that I am in the wrong. That said I have friends who have become like sisters.
Hello Serena I hope that you had loving supportive parents. You probably did, so you perhaps cannot realise that some relationships even with family, are to destructive to be worth saving.
Your most welcome.
Serena, I have met people who have no awareness that to have a family member damaging your worth constantly, a family member who is most likely too damaged themselves or too mentally ill to love, is the greatest loss in the world. No amount of trying to fix things will change what is. To finally make the decision to let go, is the hardest decision one can make. I wondered if I was what other people who see me as, and maybe you do too, selfish and mean. I had to come to terms with those feelings and remove myself from the lives of those who hurt me deeply on a continuous basis. It is not about forgiveness and moving on. It’s about self care and self preservation. Being with toxic people, is toxic, especially when they are people who are supposed to love you and have your best interests at heart. You can still love these people, but you don’t have to be in their presence. I made this choice as well and it was the hardest, healthiest choice I’ve ever made. I have no anger, just sadness for what my family threw away over and over again. As you said, both sides need to be willing to work, with open hearts. Closed hearts, angry, judgemental hearts, cannot move forward.
Eva, I assure you, I’m not looking from the outside in. Far from it! I can relate personally to each and every post here in one way or another and more.
I wanted to relay that very message but couldn’t get the wording quite right. I agree with what you are saying. Jen never did mention sitting down with her parents to have a heartfelt talk about what was bothering her and how much she was hurting. Honest communication is key, as no one is a mind reader. I also know raising each and every child with different personalities and predisposed genetic traits is all a crap shoot at the best and one can only hope all their kids come out unscathed. It’s not easy dealing with everyone’s difference personalities and needs. You usually don’t know you’ve made a mistake until after it is made. Parenting is the toughest job in the world because you are dealing with other people’s lives.Children seem to not realize their parents were children and still are children to. They are products of their upbringings. Hopefully Jen will some day sit down to have an adult talk with her parents and in the meantime I truly believe everyone has it in them to be the best they can without blame no matter what.
Most likely, like my situation, the ‘child’ was taught not to speak up, talk back, say anything…and tried to be respectful and loving in a hopeless situation that they controlled. Because I was a good, loving daughter, I tried until I was 50 years old. Yes, I absolutely wish I had Spoken Up but when you are censored and beaten down, you don’t dare. There is no room for discussion. Ever. And the entire rest of the family supports THEM. Until you reach the point where you have to Get Out to save your Soul.
Easy, Serena and Holly, when you are looking from the outside in.
I tried many times to talk to my parents through every means possible, phone in person, letters and email. Thy refused to listen. I don’t ever see reconnecting with in my future as much as a happy ending would be nice.
Thank you for your post. If both sides are not willing to work on a relationship it can’t work and no amount of trying will change things.
Thank you for your kind words, hope you find energy and strength.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
No you did not create it and you can not take responsibility for it.
Thank you! I do! I think you can share the article if you note where you got it and cite me as the author but I don’t know for sure. You will need to look into that. Thank you again.
I could not agree with you more!
I am glad you found the courage to walk away and are in a place of expectance. Thank you for your kind words.
Thanks for the info, I must look into this study to see how it workes out.
Thank you. I can reference you as the source of inspiration/author with a link to this page as I have done with others’ sources. Thank you with a million smiles. 🙂
I am sorry you lived through this pain but I am glad you learned from it.
I too am adopted narcassism seems to be very prominent in some adoptive parents a study has been done on it in fact ..my AF was full blown narc ..
Thank you for your wisdom.
Very interested in that study. Link? Thanx
I have turned your statement into a poem (slight changes but did my best to keep it as is). I hope you like it. Cheers. Will it be ok to share?
……………………………….
What My Parents Did to Me and Why I Cut Them Out of My Life
I wrote this poem to my extended family a while ago
When I chose to be estranged from my parents, you know
Because many of them just disowned me
Instead of reaching out to hear my story
It pains me that I have lost their contact
By them refusing to see the full picture impact
I feel I have lost a part of my heart
Yet I am free with a new jump-start
‘I never meant for you to get hurt in the crossfires
To place you in a situation questioning your loyal desires
From the outside you saw a happy home
Being happily guarded by an old gnome
You saw a child receiving opportunities
Latest technologies, fashion and birthday parties
Education opportunities and sports
And other things of all sorts
You saw photos of holidays with millions of smiles
Trips overseas travelling eleventy seven thousand miles
You read the Christmas cards every year
Every accomplishment received a big cheer
Happy memories of family togetherness
Overcoming adversity with my older sister’s illness
You believed in the beauty
Of this coming together story
At family gatherings you watched my parents’ pride
With the gifts replacing their love missing from inside
Then, without warning, you found out
My parents ignored me without a doubt
Maybe you did thought about it some
But you contacted them, believing the humdrum
You never gave me your ears
To tell you about my hidden fears
To you, I became nothing more than a rude, spoilt brat
Who decided that she did not want the family’s format
Not appreciating what they did for me
Because I was marrying him, you see
Towards me, you became very unkind
You did try to convince me to change my mind
Causing so much frustration
Declining my wedding invitation
Years passed and you never spoke good of my name
Thinking I was playing some selfish immature game
”Has she grown up yet?” you had stated
As you believe all the lies being created
You got caught in their cold web of deceit
You said ”Why would she do this, has me beat?”
Since then I have forever cried
Always wanting you to know I tried
What you do not realize, my family are not sainted
From what you saw, a very different picture was painted
The photos you saw, the stories you heard
A lot of things you were told was absurd
I kept quiet with all the hidden truths around
I painted it out and squashed it into the ground
Out of fear and shame of course
You just never heard the real source
At times, I desperately wanted to believe this was true
I tried to convince myself that it was and all just for you
But I have learned to endure it all for so long
The pain and abuse and other things wrong
The hidden sadness in my heart grows tired
Either I will fight to break free and be so fired
Or I give in to it, surrendering myself
Putting my happiness on the shelf
I reached out to my parents many times for a while
But they shrugged me of as some ungrateful juvenile
I saw them at holidays and eventful days
To connect with them in their own ways
I invited them to watch my archery skills
But they shut me out and never saw my thrills
Worst of all they ignored my babies
With false promises and maybes
Each time I reached out I was rejected with excuses
Why they did not come, have no time with their refuses
They continued to find ways to tear me down
Saying that I make foolish choices like a clown
The pain of rejection ate my sense of self worth
I questioned myself, why was I put on this earth?
Why would anyone love me, oh why?
If this was all true before I hide and cry
No matter what accomplishments, achievements I gained
”You will never amount to anything” and the like rained
”You have no life with that bum!” They said
”It was a mistake to have you!” I did dread
”You are so too dumb to get anything right”
They pushed me away under a guise of delight
Criticised every aspect of my life
Sometimes ending in bitter strife
I never told you about these comments tearing me apart
Causing me to question everything in my broken heart
They told me that you would never believe me
And I did not want any more conflict, you see
So in the long run it became a permanent fixture
Out of compassion, I let my parents keep their picture
Hoping that you would see mine
And be part of my life would be fine
I hope you understand that these choices I sadly make
For most estranged children this is the hardest to take
Choices we have agonized over and over again
With no answers to take away all this pain
And with my confidence they will always chip
As my parents refused any adult relationship
But you never saw into my soul
Seeing I was lost in a deep black hole
Society has painted the child being as the problem
The emotionally unstable ones, it has always been them
Rarely do you hear the voices from the sadness
Desperate for love, validation amid the madness
Longing for parents to take a genuine interest
Without any judgement for the children to digest
To be there with plenty of support
Instead being put down with a snort
But for some of us this picture will never ever be around
As sometimes there is no-one to listen to our silent sound
Consumed by that longing to be embraced
Or accept the whole picture that is encased
I no longer wished my parents to help me
Once I accepted the picture, I felt so free
It still hurts, might always hurt
That is why you say I am an introvert
I still watch proud parents supporting their offspring
And I do imagine and yearn for the same loving thing
I know that this may sound harsh but I feel it
Sometimes acceptance holds the key to admit
For a much better life for me to enjoy and to live
As I know I can grow strong enough to forgive
I cannot force change on anyone
But I hope no more you will shun
At the same time, I can grieve on the loss of my hopes
Accept what is and move upwards on life’s ropes
If we ever talked again, you might ask how
”Would you ever talk to your parents now?”
Instead, I will ask you a different question
If I only can get your uncontaminated attention
Can you forgive me for the choice?
If you take a moment to hear my voice
Granny wisely said, ”Every choice will hurt someone”
But you need to do what is right for you and have fun
When I stopped speaking to my parents
You as well were gone from any events
I do not feel I can call you and reminisce
With all our memories that I really miss
I have no-one to enjoy those
With a sense of loss, I suppose
You might ask, ”Do I hate them?” If we talked again
The answer is no, but I have forgiven them for the pain
I just do not want to tell my parents yet
Maybe not ever, maybe left as a closed set
I just do not feel much for them anymore
As I rather be walking along the seashore
My babies need me to be strong
Making them feel as they belong
Thinking back on those years of pain in every way
I acknowledge this experience made me who I am today
I strive to live a full life, working so hard
Bring meaning to life, negatives barred
Trusting my instincts and being so aware
And showing every factor that I really do care
No more pains dominate me
Because I will be always free
I am opening right up about this experience to you to see
Hoping you can really start to paint a new picture about me
To be a part of your life again very soon
But if you don’t then let others have my tune
I have learned that some can only give so much
I am grateful that my life is now great and such
A life living to the fullest, never quit
And one I want you to be a part of it.’