“The best possible thing you can get out of a relationship is that you’re with someone who encourages you to be the best version of yourself every day.” ~Nishan Panwar
Let me ask you a question. When was the last time you felt supported? When was the last time you felt safe, at home, encouraged, and able to be 100% yourself?
If your partner creates a safe space for you to do this, then you are truly blessed. If not, have you ever wondered why you don’t feel safe, supported, and loved?
Two years ago my best friend told me he’d loved me for many years. It was an unforgettable day once I got over my initial shock, because for many years I’d felt the same way about him.
It took me a while to get my head around how the most beautiful man I knew, not to mention one of my best friends, wanted me over anyone else.
In the beginning of our relationship I idolized him. I had an image of him in my head as my friend, and it was one of unrealistic perfection, non-stop humor and happiness, and a loving boyfriend who would walk on hot coals for me, just as I’d watched him do for other girls.
I wanted to support him any way I could and would do anything for him, but when we got together—a difficult and confusing time for me, for many reasons—I was the one who needed supporting.
When I didn’t get what I thought I deserved, things began to look very different than I had originally imagined. Maybe he wasn’t the guy I thought he was going to be as a partner. Maybe I’d set his pedestal just a little too high.
Had going from friends to lovers been a terrible idea? But what was actually happening at the time was that I was leaning on him way too much for support, and I hadn’t even stopped to consider that the person I needed to sort out and support, first and foremost, was me.
You see, when we’re lost and confused, we often look to external influences to make us happy. We’re all guilty of it.
My experiments in how to find happiness have varied over the years—shoe shopping, drinking, drugs, yoga, meditation, and other people.
But we can’t solely rely on anything or anyone to make us happy. We have to create the happiness part for ourselves.
One major thing I realized at the beginning of our relationship was that I was asking for the world from a guy who I was placing way too many expectations and assumptions on.
I assumed just because he was finally in flow with his career that it meant that our coming together was doomed and that I’d be cast aside in favor of a new job.
I also assumed that because he wasn’t running around after me and spending every penny he had on me, as he’d done with previous overly demanding girlfriends, that I meant less to him than anyone else that had come before.
However, had he acted the way I had expected him to when I was at my lowest ebb, I would have quickly labelled him clingy, over-bearing, and annoying, and that would have been the end of that.
The truth was, he was being everything I needed him to be for where I was at that time.
I didn’t need someone who would wallow in self-pity and negativity with me, as previous partners of mine had done. I needed someone who would inspire me to be the best person I could be and show me that if I picked myself up, everything would work out just fine.
I remember him saying to me one night when I was in tears, “I know that you’re going through a lot right now, but get really excited about the future and what’s coming next rather than being fearful of it, because everything is going to be okay.”
Each time I remember those words, they mean more to me.
Let me tell you something that I have learned about what it means to have a supportive partner.
A supportive other half isn’t someone who will hang on your every word, do whatever you want, and follow you to the ends of the earth. That clinginess isn’t the “true love” that you’re searching for.
When someone truly loves and supports you, they challenge you, stand beside you when you need them, and give you the space you need to roam free and grow as a person.
They will never judge you or put constraints on your mind, your physical body, or any of your dreams. They will be a cheerleader for your cause without being a groupie. They’ll go to the other side of the world for you when you need them, but they won’t smother you.
They might not be around all the time, but for the things that really matter, or for when you are sick or in the dark, they’ll be there at your side, without you even needing to ask.
They might seem like the busiest person in the world or the least affectionate at times, but when it matters, they’ll drop everything for you.
Most of all, they will see you. This person will see what other people can’t. They’ll see you in all your beauty and grace, as well as your darkness and faults.
They will see you for the person you are now and the amazing one they know you are truly capable of becoming, even if you can’t quite see this yourself yet.
And they’ll love you. Unconditionally. And that’s really all that matters in this life.
Stop expecting things from your partner that they don’t intuitively know how to give you. You will learn and grow together, so long as you continue to communicate assertively and don’t put unreasonable demands on each other.
But it’s also up to you to become responsible for your own feelings and your own happiness. Put this first and you’ll become more lovable to your other half without even trying.
Keep supporting each other. Stop worrying that your other half is going to leave you or wrong you or let you down. Have some faith and, in return, they will have faith in you.
Stay truthful to yourself and they will reflect this beautiful truth straight back to you. And keep showing all of your colors to them—your light and your darkness. Because if they truly love you and value you, as long as you do all of this, they’re not going anywhere.
About Natalie Edwards
Natalie Edwards is a writer and speaker focusing on love, relationships and masculine and feminine energy. She inspires others to tap into their truth and learn how to authentically connect with one another. Find out more about Natalie on her website.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Wow. Just wow. This was so beautifully written and exactly what I needed to come across at the moment. Thank you, Natalie. Sending many positive vibes your way! 🙂
I am thankful. This message needed to get to me today, as I needed to read it. Again, I am thankful. I have clarity now and I feel very positive. Bless you Natalie.
Ema, I’m so touched that this resonated with you, comments like yours are why I do what I do. x
Thank you for your kind words Crystal, I’m so glad the article has helped you x
Thank you for this. I am slowly entering into a relationship with a friend, and have been feeling exactly the way you did. But he DOES challenge me, is always supportive, gentlemanly and protective. I know I am probably expecting too much too soon, and letting all my old fears get in the way. Amazing to me that as I sat here ruminating about this budding relationship, I read this. Thank you again!
I SO wholeheartedly needed this right now (as I type in tears). Thank you.
All my married life was about my husband’s happiness and life. His needs and not mine. When I got my wake up call after nearly 30 years of marriage I decided I was not going to live like this for another 30 years. I deserved the space and support I gave in the marriage. Have since separated because I deserve someone like me and he needs someone who was like me. We are two different people!
Lovely thought. Have been through this exactly same thing.
RT, I’m glad to hear you realised you deserved more, it takes time sometimes to open ourselves up to receive when we have spent such a long time giving. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Thank you for your comment Komal, glad to hear it resonated.
Lauren, thank you for commenting, I am so glad to hear this piece struck a chord with you and was helpful, I wish you all the best going forward from here.
Thank YOU for sharing Mags, it’s funny how our deepest fears can crop up when we least expect them and be triggered by the people we care for the most. But it sounds like you’re already getting friendly with those fears which is great, and because of that I know the journey you’re about to go on will unfold beautifully for you!
Thank you for the very thoughtful and soul-baring article.
Are you and your best friend-turned-partner still together?
I’m so glad you enjoyed the article Dave, and we are indeed still together 🙂
Tiny Buddha always publishes the right articles at the right time. Thanks for this!
This post was just beautiful. I can’t wait to share it with my husband. It’s not fair to him when I expect him to make me happy, but he is always there to listen and even when he loses his patience, he comes back and apologizes and tells me what a great job I’m doing. This is really hitting home right now as brand new parents. We are a team and always strive to be.
Been in your best friend turned partner position however the lady wasn’t as thoughtful as you,really hope i was able to find this article before she left but sadly it didn’t turn out well.
Thanks for the kind comment, you’re welcome!
Leslie, thank you for your lovely words and I’m so glad this has resonated and given you a new perspective. I wish you all the best together and congratulations on becoming parents!
TJ, thank you for commenting and sharing. I’m sorry to hear that but I believe everything happens for a reason and as long as you stay connected to who you really are, that’s all that matters. I wish you the best for the future.
This is an amazing post! So many times I see people saying “love yourself first before someone else can love you” but the words didn’t click. This post is identical to what I’m going through right now. It’s so weight-lifting to realize that others have been there. And here I thought I was just a terrible GF alone in it all. Thank you for the wise words and advice. I’m motivated now more than ever to focus on myself and my happiness and to take my boyfriends love and support as benefits, not the answer to all of my problems.
Lindsay, thank you so much for taking the time to comment and I’m glad my writing has come at the right time for you. I took me a long time to identify with the self-love part too, it isn’t overnight for those of us who have been automatic about being negative towards ourselves for so long, but I’m so happy you’re stepping into that powerful and more motivated place now, it’s a much happier one. Wishing you all the best.
Thank you so much for this. This was just what I needed. I’ve suffered (and still do) with the idea that smother love is the only way that I will ever feel satisfied in a relationship. I hate to admit my ‘clingy’ nature, and I try to work past it. A lot of it resonates in my self doubt.
This piece of writing truly puts things into perspective for me, I will refer to it when I am feeling down..Thanks Natalie!
Wonderful and well written article! Thanks so much for sharing; it was just what I needed to see because I’m having such a hard time being happy on my own. I’m a confident person yet i seek so much happiness externally.
You’re so welcome Cass, I’m glad the article helped, but don’t worry about the fact that you feel you’re ‘clingy’ – I had the same thought, but in reality, as you say, it’s not that you’re clingy, you’re just someone very much in love but still doubting yourself and once you find the vibrancy and variety that you’re looking for in the rest of your life, that word ‘clingy’ won’t be so loud in your mind. x
Thanks for commenting Thao, I’m glad you enjoyed it. Keep tapping into that internal happiness and vitality that’s already available within you, sometimes it’s not easy to see but I promise you it’s worth the inquiry.
Thank you for this. It has confirmed what I already secretly knew was right, having ended a very long relationship that my gut feeling told me wasn’t right. This person was not there for me at all when my father died, and when I expressed my disappointment and hurt over that, he wrote me a long letter “explaining” why he was not, he thought he was doing what I wanted. Then, took offense to my utter shock and hurt over that. really? You think the right thing to do is stay away, not only when I told you my father was dying, but also when he actually did pass? This person continually, 14 years later, tries to suck me back in. I have decided to cut all contact, and have not spoken to him for 3 months. Your post confirms I am right. Trust your gut.
You’re welcome, thank you for commenting and sharing, and I’m glad it’s resonated but as you say it sounds like you are already doing a great job at trusting yourself and sometimes that means letting people go who are no longer serving us. I wish you all the best. x
Thank you..!!
Great Post
Thank you for your kind comment Pankaj, I’m glad you enjoyed it.
I agree with the message but don’t necesarily agree with all of it. To me happiness is important from both partners in a relationship you shouldn’t EXPECT for them to make you happy but if you are with the right person that should automatically happen. Seems to me that you are saying that all woman would think that an affectionate and attentive man would be looked at as “clingy”. Not so. I myself love being shown live through actions EVERYDAY not just when I am down or in a dark place. A lifetime partner is one that treats the relationship as “new” throughout the years and each partner puts one another first so no one is doing not than another’s. It just seems like the article is telling woman to be complacent and just accept what they can get as long as they are okay with a little attention in dark times. You should be with someone is compatible not settle because it’s asking too much or not letting them grow if you want more attention. With 6 billion people in the world we shouldn’t have to just say oh well this person is too busy if it’s something you want like most woman. Like I said I get the message you are trying to convey and while that may work for some woman other women know what they really want and can get it if they believe in finding that one person
Thanks so much for commenting Silvia. Your comment “It just seems like the article is telling woman to be complacent and just accept what they can get as long as they are okay with a little attention in dark times” isn’t quite what I was trying to say, but I can understand the interpretation or confusion. I’m actually trying to empower women out there with this piece and I wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m telling them to be complacent, or telling them what to do from any angle, I’m really just sharing my experience in the hope it inspires others. But as just as you rightly say, each of us intuitively knows what we want and need from a partner, and what we want from life, and as I mention in the piece, it’s up to us to communicate that to the person we’re with as we learn more about ourselves rather than assuming they know or placing expectation on that person, and as we keep that communication going through life, so the relationship grows stronger.
After reading this article i connected more with everything that is being said. Its amazing how real it is and how we tend to overlook certain things in our relationships. Im inspired to be the better me. Good Vibes. Thank you
Zintle, thank you so much for this heartfelt comment, I’m glad the article resonated and I wish you all the best for the future.
This just came at the perfect time to me! I believe this is a sign because I read it just when I needed it. I just hope that is not too late for my relationship.
Hi Ellie, thanks for commenting and I’m so glad to hear the article helped. As long as you’re open and communicative in a compassionate and authentic way with your partner, it won’t be too late and whatever happens whilst you’re operating from an honest place is what’s meant to be. Keep in touch x
I really needed this. Thank you!
So welcome Rokstedy! I’m glad it resonated and wishing you all the best. x
I tend to not agree with your statement that a loving partner will be a certain way like your description that they will somehow be this benevolent remote figure that will allow you a lot of “space:” to grow. That’s what YOU need. But not everyone who is in love will follow a specific formula. That’s the beauty of the world and how different people are. It just sounds really overly modernistic and positive like how you expect people to talk if they are “enlightened”. But some people have really intense and closely connected relationships because that works for them, and part of that dynamic could even appear to an outsider as less than ideal but it serves the needs of both partners. I think many intellectually based romantic relationships can have an element of conflict in them but in an intellectually stimulating way. Some people do actually enjoy and need and share more. Happiness is a state of emotion that changes. Perhaps you mean “contentment”, the kind when someone truly feels they are where they should be and in the company of the individual they need & committed to. That is more based on certainty inside, and also not blaming the other person for the times you feel bad. It’s about owning all your emotions, accepting yourself and the other person, and knowing this is
If your definition of a supportive partner means that you don’t burden them too much with your problems & needs, then you actually have a lack of acceptance issue either on your part or towards your partner. Because nobody should feel they must hold back for fear of burdening the partner. The partner should just recognize when their loved one needs more help, like to get some therapy. It serves the purpose of recognizing a problem and actually helping your partner to get the help they need. When you censoring yourself or you are being pressured by your partner to modify your speech, then you are hiding and burrying an internal problem that could be recognized and helped through a psychiatric evaluation and/or therapy (I recommend both because most therapists are unable to make proper diagnosis of different things that look like depression! such as ADHD or other mood disorders and personality disorders).
There should be less shame about needs between couples and more communication. The men can speak of their haunting need for physical intimacy and the women can speak of their haunting need for emotional intimacy. And in talking then there is hope.
Yes this was kind of my reaction, since I don’t really relate to the benevolent but a little remote at times type of man. I couldn’t handle that. I would not see a need unless he was providing financial support. Even then, it would not suit me.
Wow!! The same thing just happened to me, and I felt intuitively that it was a bad sign. I will be watching this guy a bit more closely now. But he’s not my boyfriend anyhow, just someone who is very very close emotionally to me. But he basically acted exactly how you described. We had a huge argument over it, but initially I was just asking what was behind his distancing of himself for like a month after my mom died. He ultimately confessed he fears death but I feel uncertain about that still. I’m left wondering if he’s a bit of a narcissist, although he’s not that bad. But it’s definitely all about him most of the time, I am starting to see.
Thanks for commenting Helen. This article was written based on my personal realisations at the time, but my partner and I have a very loving and accepting relationship and he was there for me through therapy and recommended I got it many years ago. I totally agree with you that talk and communication is key in relationships and we are extremely open with one another about everything in our lives. This article wasn’t intended to highlight any shame about needs between couples, quite the opposite, it was merely talking about how we can sometimes come to our own powerful realisations and that self development work is very important so that we’re not always expecting too much of others or relying on them – this goes for friends and partners or any other relationships. Thanks for sharing your views.
I needed this right now…wow
This just knocked the nail right at its head for me. I have been struggling with my own insecurities that I found myself sabotaging my own relationships because I am constantly projecting my expectations onto others. I have had past relationships in which all the men were kind, patient and loving with me but I just kept nitpicking because I was insecure. I was worried that they didn’t love me anymore.
Now I’m in a 1.5 years relationship with a man that has been so patient and loving, but the same old feelings have crept up. He is ambitious and goes after his career and all I can think of is my fear of being cast aside like you mentioned. I expect him to act a certain way to make me happy and he tries his best because he loves me but he has told me that he doesn’t understand why I’m throwing stones at our relationship and for matters that aren’t really there.
The quote I picked out, really stood out to me because I realised how petty I have been. He has been so supportive of me, the question now is how supportive have I been for him? I will keep this article close to heart and resolute to take control of my emotions. No amount of “I promise I won’t do it again” will cut it until I actually start appreciating him. Thank you so much for this.
“They might not be around all the time, but for the things that really matter, or for when you are sick or in the dark, they’ll be there at your side, without you even needing to ask.
They might seem like the busiest person in the world or the least affectionate at times, but when it matters, they’ll drop everything for you.
Most of all, they will see you. This person will see what other people can’t. They’ll see you in all your beauty and grace, as well as your darkness and faults.”
Hello. Great article and how I am feeling right now too. I’ve been married for 2 years and learning more about our relationship every day. It’s a bit scary to go through this process when you are with someone and want to stay committed for life and maybe your needs will change and you don’t know if they can be met. I am going to trust the process. Thank you for the inspiration.
Kristen, thank you for commenting beautiful, I’m glad it resonated x
Jojo thank you for such lovely words and it means the world to me that you’ve found this article so useful. Don’t be hard on yourself, it takes time to unwind feelings that are familiar to us if it’s all we’ve ever known, it’s a defence mechanism to keep us safe because we’re human and that might have been the only way we survived until now, so just know you’re learning and doing your best. Show yourself love & compassion first and then you’ll get that reflected back to you. x
Javagirl thank you for commenting and sharing your experience lovely. We learn so much from each other every day and you will learn more and more as you continue on your journey or being married, but instead of feeling scared, try to channel that energy into excitement and curiosity because it is a really exciting journey for you to both go on and one that is extremely courageous and bold. Marriage is a co-creation of a life together and is something to be admired. I wish you so much love – keep being kind to yourself and loving yourself first and you will find that is reflected right back to you from your partner x
This resonates so much with me right now. I just wrote a blog post on how my partner supports me behind the scenes of my blog and while writing I realized how blessed I was for having someone who supports me the way that he does. I can find exactly everything you mention back in him.
This was a great read, thank you for sharing!