“Tears are words that need to be written.” ~Paulo Coelho
It was lovely to see you today. I haven’t seen you in such a long time. So much has happened since the last time we saw each other.
You asked me how I was. I politely replied, “I’m fine” and forced a smile that I hoped would be believable. It must have worked. You smiled back and said, “I’m so glad to hear that. You look great.”
But I’m not really fine. I haven’t been fine for a very long time, and I wonder if I will ever know what “fine” actually feels like again.
Some days are good, some not so good. I’m doing my best to stay optimistic and to keep faith that tomorrow will be better. Sometimes it is, sometimes it’s worse. I’m never prepared for either outcome.
I’m doing my best to pretend I’m fine.
The mask I wear hides my pain very well. I’ve been wearing it for so long now that no one can see through it anymore. It’s my new face, and it smiles on demand.
Some days I wish I didn’t have to pretend to smile. I long for the day when it will come naturally, sincerely, and genuinely.
When I say I’m fine this is what I really mean…
I’m sad. I’m really having a hard time right now. I wish I could tell you. I’d like to think that you might even care. And maybe you do truly care. But I don’t want to tell you. I don’t want to bother or burden anyone with my troubles.
My troubles are big and ugly. I can’t burden you with them. You are facing demons of your own. You don’t need to be exposed to mine. That would be so selfish of me. To think that your demons are not as important or debilitating as mine.
So I just tell you I’m fine. I’m protecting you when I say I’m fine. Because I’m afraid my pain is just more toxicity.
I want to tell you my troubles. I want you to take them away. I wish someone could fix everything that hurts, though I no one else can do that for me. Still, I wonder, does anyone have all the answers to these questions that are pounding in my head and causing me grief and anxiety?
Anyone?
There’s a tightness in my chest that won’t go away. There’s a darkness in the pit of my stomach that makes me nauseous. My shoulders feel weighted and my arms long for human touch. A body to wrap around tightly to comfort me and ensure me that everything will be okay.
My troubles have completely consumed my life.
Inside, I’m crying all the time. My soul is crushed, and my heart is full of holes that I’m desperately trying to patch up as best I can.
I’m full of anxiety inside, and no matter how hard I try to find peace, it eludes me. I feel there are a million demons inside of me, and I don’t know which one needs my attention the most.
So I ignore them all. It’s too much for me to bear most days.
When I say I’m fine I really wish you could hear my inner voice screaming, “I’m not fine, and I need help. Please stay and talk to me, comfort me, help make this overwhelming pain stop.” I want to say this to you. But I open my mouth, and “I’m fine” comes out instead.
I’m not really fine. I’m not sure how to handle today, and I fear what tomorrow may bring. It’s constant anxiety. I wish it would go away if only for a day.
I want to be fine, honest I do.
One day I would love to sincerely tell you how fine I am. That all my anxieties, worries, and fears are gone, or at least less overpowering. That I walk with a skip in my step and a song in my heart. I want to feel that. I may have felt this once before a long time ago, but I don’t really remember it.
Every day I’m doing my best to smile and make the day better. I’m thinking positively, I’m taking big deep breaths when I need to. I’m reading inspirational blogs and quotes. I’m even listening to guided meditations.
Today I went shopping and bought myself something nice. I know, a temporary fix. But it worked.
It all works. For the moment. And then the moment is gone, and it all comes flooding back. All the turmoil, the anguish, the anxiety, the pain. I breathe deeply again. And I’m okay for a few more minutes.
But for now, I’m doing my best. I know that everything in life is temporary. The good, the bad. Even life. It’s all temporary. If I can just get through today, I’ll be fine.
I’m doing my best to see the bright side. I can see it some days. But it doesn’t take away the turmoil brewing inside of me. It only masks it with a Band-Aid. A temporary fix.
Everything is just a temporary fix until I finally become brave enough to get to the bottom of my demons. I need to face them one at a time. I need to bring them to the surface, dust them off, address them, heal from them, and then let them go.
This I know. But it’s such a daunting task. Just thinking about doing that is overwhelming and causes me a great deal of anxiety. I know it’s up to me to be able to say, “I’m fine” and really mean it.
One day I will. When I feel strong enough to do so. Until then, I may say I’m fine when I’m really not. But I will try to find the courage to say, “Actually, I’m sad,” even though I know you don’t have a magic wand to take all my troubles away.
Maybe just opening up and letting you support me will help. Maybe if I stop painting a smile on my face and telling you “I’m fine, really I am,” one day soon I will be.
About Iva Ursano
Iva is a self-help blogger from Ontario Canada who now resides in Guatemala. Her two goals in life are to inspire people around the world with her blogs and to feed hungry little bellies in the poor town she calls home. Sign up for weekly inspiration here or check out her self-help eBooks You Are Amazing. Her new course “The 21 Day Challenge” is now available. Use coupon code TINYBUDDHA for $60 off!!
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
the words have spelt out the pain , and this is shared
just remember
this too shall pass
think victory breathe success
Rana
It literally felt like I opened up my diary of long back.
Time heals everything.May our own thoughts would get untangled with time and give us a clear idea of whats wrong within and the circumstances.But it really helps when we speak out your thoughts to someone.Instead of having the thought of burdening the other person with our troubles we can take it the other way the sense of relief we would have later and we would be giving the other person a sense of grattitude and warmth.we all know helping out our closed ones we never feel burdened it really feels great that we could do that for them.
I am in tears. This is exactly me. I wish I knew what to do or where to turn. I’m afraid to tell this to anyone. Afraid it will make it more real I guess. Plus nobody to even tell. Nobody can fix it or help me anyway. Thank you for at least letting me know I am not the only one. ❤️Praying for us both!
Welcome to life. And the older you get, the more frequent this becomes.
There’s one truth in life–no one gets out alive. At almost 59, this has become a reality that slaps me in the face every single day. Which brings the question, what is the point of ANYTHING?
I have no friends, no kids, no partner, my family is very small and don’t care, 81 yr old mother is getting sickly physically and mentally. Life is a series of annoyances–so much noise, so many selfish rude people, such high prices of everything, gaining weight, health problems, no love prospects, etc…It’s harder and harder to find joy in anything..and since we do not know what happens when we die–which is inevitable, and each day could be the last– it is all Utterly. Pointless.
Humanity needs to know the reason for our existence. But we don’t.
I am stunned and beside myself. Beautiful expression of what is in my head and I am in deep enough that I am not able to verbally or express written. And you did. So proud. Thank you for sharing words when I cannot yet. I will, I know, right now just on compassion and prayers to the angels and watch-over beings to keep me safe on the path.
Gracious blessings toward you, humanity, myself…and hope, faith, and belief of the beauty that comes out of the dark💚
Hi Iva, thank you for sharing your thoughts! I’m sorry that you are having difficulties. Would you like to talk about them? Why do you believe that telling people how you are feeling is a burden?
I think disclosing difficulties depends on the level of the relationship with the other person. Friends often genuinely want to know how you are doing, as do family. Even a co-worker you feel particularly close to would be interested. Talking to strangers on the internet can sometimes be helpful due to anonymity.
A brief summary doesn’t tend to burden anyone. If you struggle daily, having a rotation of people that you tell how you are feeling could be helpful. That way you can talk about it without relying on one person.
A therapist is great for deeper conversations about how you are feeling. Good luck!
Also, if friends and family don’t care about your difficulties, that’s a good reason to step back from them and meet some new, more caring people.
Dear Ms. Ursano,
Thank you for sharing your inside story. My wife says that when she says she fine it means she’s really feeling “F_reaked O_ut I_nsecure and E_motional”. I care about your story and, even though I don’t know you, I care and really hope that you will be ok. Why? Because because your story reminds me to maintain an attitude of gentleness and kindness towards others. The other reasons, is that not caring is not an acceptable alternative. I read these posts but this is the first time I have replied to a post. I can only say the honesty and vulnerability of your telling of your inner state and journey resonated in a powerful way with me. You continue to survive and imperfect life. Me too. I hate life sometimes. Then other days, I’m more open to it. Should it be that way? Who knows, but that’s how it is. You make it ok to be “not fine” to be be not ok. Sometime, someone just has to say it and you did. You made it easier for me today. Thanks for that. From one warrior to another, here’s sending you a moment of serenity.
iian
2 things: Ram Dass said, “You morally have no right to take away another’s suffering” and Alan Watts said, “How do you know what’s best for other people?”
All I know is when she spoke of everything being temporary, it really felt true (and it is). I’ve always thought that one of the biggest problem’s in the world is people taking themselves too seriously!
Thank you for that lovely comment and for reading. This article was for everyone who says I’m fine, not just my life or circumstances
So many can’t express these words. I speak for all those ❤️
Thank you and I’m so glad this resonated and I’m glad you are in my life and my friend xoxox
Thank you for reading. I also am 59 years old but have chosen to see things slightly different than you and that’s what makes us all beautiful and unique.
Thank you for reading and I do hope things improve for you soon!
Sending you love ❤️❤️
Hi Helena thank you for reading. This letter not only depicts my struggles but I also wanted to be a voice for those who are going through this and can’t speak. It’s for all of us who struggle xoxox
Oh my goodness! Never have I ever read something that described me so well…never! I am so glad I came across this post. I forwarded it to a family member, the only one I can truly talk to to show him what I try to say to him about home broken I am inside. This will help!