“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.” ~Emily Kimbrough
My husband and I have been married for almost ten years.
And before those ten years, we were college sweethearts and had been dating for over six.
When you know someone for that long, someone whom you are deeply and madly in love with, something funny happens:
Your collective thoughts, actions, and words become so tightly intertwined that you walk around believing you are one person.
As a result, you feel ten times taller. Like you can do anything. You feel as though you’ve discovered the purpose for breathing on this planet.
But something else happens, too.
When you really know someone, intimately and with all the deepest parts of yourself, you also hit bumps in the road.
Times when you argue. Times when you take each other for granted. Times when you’re completely challenged.
My husband and I have been through it all, especially as college graduates moving out to Hollywood with big dreams in our hearts.
We were changing so much, like shapeshifters, rapidly taking on new forms and discovering who we really were in the process.
The truth is, that period could’ve easily destroyed us.
Not only that, but: Sometimes we felt like we didn’t know each other. Sometimes our matchbox-sized apartment in West Hollywood got under our skin. Sometimes we fought.
Sometimes we were broke. Sometimes we weren’t intimate. Sometimes our car broke down.
Sometimes exes popped up out of nowhere, determined to tear us apart.
We’ve weathered all of these storms, and more. And we will weather them, still.
Things will happen. Shadowy forms will come out to dance. Life will hurt sometimes. And be hard. But also worth it.
My husband and I have a beautiful life. I truly couldn’t ask for more. We have a deep, eternal bond, embodied in the form of a brilliant and loving toddler who brings us a deep joy we once never knew existed.
We also do things that light us up from the inside out. We make films together. We write together.
We share a love for the arts, books, meditation, politics, quantum physics, and vegan food. We take walks together. Talk about anything and everything.
Together, alone, we make the stupidest and most politically incorrect jokes you can imagine.
We challenge one another to leap out of our comfort zones. We make big decisions and set off on bold adventures.
My point is this:
If you have true love in your life, don’t let the down, dark, doomy, disappointing, messed-up times fool you into thinking that you. Just. Can’t. Do. This. Anymore.
Embrace the fact that love—the real, infinite, take-your-breath-away kind of love—will be filled with ups and downs.
Embrace your every moment together. All of it—the romance, the laughter, the tears, the disagreements, the adventures, the infinite unknowns.
‘Cause if, along the way, no matter how deep the trenches, you each have somebody who cherishes you, supports you, uplifts you, respects you, and thinks the world of you, then you must thank your lucky stars for that gift.
And throughout the mystifying journey, remember this:
If the bad times suck hard, then the good times must be really special. That’s why the bad times make us suffer so much—because the good times are something we can’t bear to lose.
Accordingly, we struggle. We work at it. We fight for our blessings.
No relationship is perfect. But the ones worth having are always worth fighting for.
About Rhoda Jordan
Rhoda Jordan is a spiritual teacher + writer + speaker. A devoted artist, Rhoda also works as a filmmaker + performer, and co-manages a film production company (Wildlight Films) with her husband. Check out Rhoda's website to learn more about living a happy + healthy + sexy life: rhodajordan.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
You’re right Rhoda. Relationships are such a vital part of our lives. The tough times serve as a reminder of how strong we are, of how excellent the good times feel, and of what’s truly important.
Thank you for sharing your truth and your love <3
I love this article so much
Rhoda, thanks for the post.
(in very short) the post came at a time when I am thinking of walking away from a 7 month relationship with a beautiful girl, that blows my mind, She is perfect. But “I don’t feel” that she really loves me, nor would she ever say the words to me “i love you”, and therefore, I don’t feel I am in a strong relationship that can be built on. At present I feel we are to separate people, who see each other when nothing else is happening, even tho i love her, sincerely.
I am confused, do I stay, and try to show, I love her, and try get here to open up, or do I walk away, knowing that we are both good people, but we both need different things from a relationship. Am I wrong/needy/controlling to want to be in a relationship where my partner is happy to say “I love you”, and wants to share life together, doing special things together, showing the world were in love?
It would hurt to walk away, but I don’t think I can go on with the situation, feeling second best. If I carry on feeling like this, I am fearful we will lose the relationship anyway, and lose a special friendship.
Ok, I have had my moan, if you get a chance, would like to hear what a female/spiritual teacher thinks. Kindest Regards, Vincent.
I got chills and warm fuzzies reading this…it’s exactly how I feel about my boyfriend, whom I wholeheartedly hope will someday soon be my husband! Our bad times have been rough, and tested us both to grow as individuals and together. But that’s the beauty–it’s in the growth! And then our good times are OH-SO-GOOD. Thank you for this reminder to be more present and appreciative of that love.
I’m not a spiritual teacher but I was moved to respond to your post i hope thats ok.
I would first maybe think about your feelings and why you feel second best or unloved by this lady. Is that really the case or is that your perception of the situation? If so where does this come from? What is the underlying core belief here?
Have you addressed your feelings with her? If not I wonder if thats something you could look at before you make the decision to walk away.
I notice your question about whether you are wrong/needy/controlling to want the relationship to fall within your expectations of what you believe a relationship ought to be. Maybe this is something you could think about and maybe explore with your girlfriend what your definitions of a relationship are and whether they are in alignment with each other?
I hope this maybe gives you a couple of things to think about and I wish you love and peace whatever you decide to do
I like your faith that our marriages can survive difficult times. The reality, sometimes, is that our partners stop growing–for good. In those cases we would be wasting our love on someone who has no potential. It is damnably difficult, however, to know if a partner has stopped growing permanently, or if our partner is in a temporary pause in growth. Many times we wait far too long to determine the answer.
thank you for your comments, I think is my perception to be honest, and I have a lot to learn, and need to be more content, with myself. I will speak to her, and listen. Many Thanks.
there are some lovely thoughts in here. but advocating belief that intimacy means becoming One person frankly concerns me. getting absorbed into another person or relationship to the point where you lose your Self is incredibly damaging. we fall in love – and stay in love – with the other person because of who they are as a unique Individual, not because we are a single being without boundaries or distinction. many storms have been weathered in my happy marriage because we respect each other’s independence and the fact that we are not each other; we are ourselves. strengths, weaknesses and all.
Thanks for this excellent post. I’ve been married to my beloved Thomas for 21 years. Together we’ve uncovered five secrets to the longevity of our loving partnership.
1. Demonstrate respect and loving kindness for each other. All successful relationships are built on a foundation of respect. Random acts of loving kindness, (love notes, surprises, special dates etc.) go a long way to keep the fire burning.
2. Practice open and honest, non-violent communication. Learn to practice “fair fighting” when you’re angry or have a disagreement. Do not open old wounds or throw each other into a shame pit when either of you make a mistake. Keep your private issues between yourselves and work it out.
3. Laugh at yourself and each other a lot! Humor is one of the healthiest parts of a long-lasting relationships. Learn to lighten up!
4. Walk through life side-by-side with plenty of time to be independent. Make time for your independence and quiet introspection. Honor one another by allowing for time apart to pursue our personal interests.
5. Practice replacing your high expectations with open invitations. When you replace your expectations with invitations, you can support yourself and your partner to show up in the best light. Unrealistic expectations kill relationships.
This is exactly how I would like to feel about someone but never have done. I think I need to end my marriage as it doesn’t come even close to being like this.
Shann, this is such a beautiful list! I agree wholeheartedly with all of it. Thank you for sharing!
I totally agree with you Lindsay. 🙂 I don’t think we should ever lose our sense of self in our relationships. There absolutely must be respect for one another’s independence in order for balance! When I wrote “you walk around believing you are one person,” I didn’t mean it literally. I suppose that was just my poetic way of saying that you know your partner so well that you can sense their thoughts, feelings, etc. My husband and I always have those moments where we know exactly what the other is thinking! And it’s spooky sometimes! 🙂
Ahhhhh that is a tough one. That’s very well put. And it makes me sad to think about too. Because some of us get stuck struggling to remedy a relationship that will never ever work. And all this time goes by, as you mentioned. It can be so hard to know when to really let go. Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts.
This makes me so happy to read. Wishing you and your boyfriend all the happiness and love in the world!
Thank you Lauren!!
Hmmmm…I don’t know your exact situation of course! But this is what I truly feel: The low times should always break through to even better times. Almost like, you get stronger as a result of going through something together. However, if the low times are always the status quo, and they never make way for better times, then it’s probably a good idea to talk, re-evaluate, get back on track, and maybe do something fun like tantra to break up the pattern.
Stacey — YES!! Those tough times always put us back in touch with what truly matters. It’s nice to have that reminder sometimes!
Vincent, thanks so much for writing and sharing all of this! I feel that if your girlfriend knows how much it means to you to show/express love, and she’s not doing it, then it’s definitely time to re-evaluate this relationship. However, if you haven’t expressed these feelings to her, and she hasn’t had a chance to try, I think you really owe it to her and yourself to get all of this out. Like, as soon as possible. It sounds like there is potential for something very beautiful and special here! Wishing you lots of joy and love.
If it is your perception, then I guess the trick is to explore what your belief it that has led you to see things this way. We all have a lot to learn but remember everything that happens to us is an opportunity to learn more about ourselves. You can grow so much from this relationship but you know, the most important relationship you have is with yourself. Be gentle kind and compassionate in all your explorations. You’ll get there eventually and you will learn what you need to in order to get you where you need to be. Trust your inner self! X
I haven’t been with my wife as long as you have been with your husband, but I completely get the feeling. We love each other every day, and never fail to show it or say it. Honestly, I was a very sad and depressed person, feeling like I had no true home (I was staying between a friend’s house [sleeping on the floor] and one of my parents’ houses), I had no job, and I was stuck with going to community college for a general AA degree. I had no life, no spark, no desire to keep myself healthy or happy… But then, one fateful quarter, I met a girl. She was from another country, but had come to my college to study abroad. It took a few months, but I finally got the guts to ask her out. Honestly, all the events that happened for us to meet and then start dating was quite a miracle. Here, I thought, “I’m a guy who has the worst luck in everything I do, yet this girl popped into my life through the rarest of circumstances.” It was that moment I realized that I needed to love myself again, as much as I loved her. Now, I am the happiest man in the world. We now both teach English together, and I have lost all signs of my depression. Our relationship is our prized possession that we both cherish more than anything else in this world. Yes, we both have our differences every once in a while. But we have never had an argument. We talk about things, and are willing to try it one person’s way. If it fails, we both know it isn’t the end of the world, and we will try it the other way. Our relationship is the strongest I have ever seen, and I’m not just saying that because it’s my relationship. I truly believe my wife and I are one of the greatest couples in the world, and we both pride ourselves from it. Everything you have mentioned in this article is how I truly feel a good relationship is supposed to be like. If I could throw in my two cents into this (I’m not trying to one-up you, here; just doing my part to contribute to the love), I think I would say that even in all the time you spend with your spouse, with all the new (sometimes not-so-pretty) things you learn about that person, you are eternal companions, and should always think of it that way. That’s how I avoid arguments. I’m not shoving it down like people instantly think. When I think about the risk of hurting my wife’s feelings just to win some stupid argument we won’t remember in a week, I remember that I would be hurting my eternal companion. Why would I want to do that to my best friend? Anyway, that’s my advice: remember that you are with that person for the rest of your life (and if you believe in it, the afterlife). They become a part of you as you become a part of them. A relationship is hard work. But honestly, I love my wife so much, well… You know the saying, “If you love what you do, then you will never have worked a day in your life.” That’s how I truly feel after 2 years. But of course, things can change over time. I’ll visit this again in 8 years and report back. 🙂
Jake, I love this. That’s so sweet. Thanks for sharing! You and your wife have such a beautiful bond. You both are so lucky to have found each other!!
And I think that’s great that you don’t have arguments in your relationship. I do believe that it’s different for everyone! Every great relationship is going to be unique. With my husband and I, we actually come closer together after arguments. We’re very passionate, and we both love to argue and debate. And we always grow together and learn from our disagreements. So I wouldn’t give those moments up for the world. That said, some great couples argue and some don’t. But if it works for the couple and they’re happy, that’s what matters!
Wishing you and your wife many more happy and healthy years together!
Oh, forgive me. I wasn’t implying arguments were a bad thing in a relationship. In fact, they are proven to be healthy. But as you said, it works out differently for everyone. 🙂
If the low times have been the status quo from the beginning, it’s time to find someone who can invest in both good and bad times.
This is my situation after nearly 27 years and 6 kids.Try as I might I can not find it in my heart to love in the same way and I stay in a state of depression because of it. I want to leave before it gets ugly but I have a 13 year old I can not seem to part with when thinking about movong back to america.
When I was in a relationship years ago, that I questioned, I starting writing in a journal, privately, to gather my thoughts. Years went by, and I kept writing, not daily, but whenever I felt like venting or was in the mood. As I started looking back on my feelings, by reading stuff from my past, I realized there was a lot more bad than good, and it wasn’t changing. I decided to end the relationship. The breakup was difficult. Very difficult. It was perhaps one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. About six months after the breakup, I finally spoke to my ex, and she agreed that breaking up was exactly what needed to happen. She also admitted that while we were in the relationship, she “just didn’t see it.” Everyone’s experience is different. Breakups can be extremely difficult. Best of luck to you with your decision!
This post was absolutely breath taking .. I am crying now! I love this so much and it is so inspirational this is what true love is . I have found it myself and when times get hard I will reflect back on your words