“A man is not where he lives but where he loves.” ~Proverb
I have moved 19 times in my life. At first it was from an adventurous spirit. I lived in Alaska for a summer in college and moved to the Southwest after graduating just because I’d never been there.
After I got married, the Navy decided my moves. My officer husband was stationed overseas, which gave me the opportunity to live in Japan for three years.
When my husband left the Navy, work opportunities drove our moves. Naturally, I have enjoyed living in some places more than others. Every location has its plusses and minuses.
The main lesson I have learned from my many moves is that home is wherever I live. My family is my home, and where we are located doesn’t really matter. I don’t have one location where I have spent a significant amount of time so I can’t say, “Oh my home is in _________.”
I have had to learn to make my home wherever we end up.
Moving can be hard. You are so new in the beginning. Just the simple things like how to drive to the grocery store from your house can be a challenge. Finding a good eye doctor or knowing where to get the best hair cut can seem like big mysteries. Realistically it can take up to a year to feel like you have made any friends.
Everyone handles change differently. When my mother moved from sunny, warm Florida to the cold, wet northwest she was miserable. She resisted the change, refused to see the beauty around her, and chose to be angry the whole time she was there.
Some people have the opposite thought. They think that moving will make their lives better. They are unhappy with their friends or family and think a change of location will fix their problems. They feel miserable in their job or neighborhood and long to escape. Everything will be so different if they just lived somewhere else.
The thing is, joy is not something you find outside of yourself. Joy is something you bring with you wherever you go.
If you are someone who responds to situations with anxiety or are shy and have a hard time making friends, moving to a new state is not going to magically make you brave and outgoing. If you can’t find a good romantic relationship in your current location, you are not going to have your phone ringing off the hook from all your potential suitors somewhere else.
You are still you no matter where you live. You will bring your insecurities, your quirks, your fears, and your strengths with you.
You can’t run away from your problems and you can’t find happiness if you are going to hang onto resentment and anger when you end up living somewhere other than where you think you want to be.
Like Abraham Lincoln said, “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
So, if a move for work or change of life situation is in your near future, here are some suggestions on how to make it a joyous transition:
Choose to see it as a grand adventure.
Ignorant people refuse to learn new things. Be an intelligent person and learn as much as you can. Approach every situation with great curiosity. Every person you meet is a potential new friend. Every place you go is an exposure to newness that can only expand you as a person.
Explore your new location.
Challenge yourself to visit a new museum, local attraction, or event every weekend. Read the paper, look things up online. Explore the possibilities in your new area. You can find many free events so this doesn’t have to cost you a lot of money.
Introduce yourself to your neighbors.
Don’t sit back and wait for them to greet you. Be proactive and get to know them.
Ask for help.
If you need to find a good doctor ask your co-workers. If you can’t find the local Target ask your neighbors.
Immerse yourself in the area and try to make as many connections as you can.
Join clubs, volunteer at your church, become a board member of your home owners association, volunteer at your kid’s school.
Cherish your family.
Stay in contact with your friends. Talk to a friend if you feel lonely or overwhelmed. Remember you are loved whether they are with you in person or not. Facebook, email, and social media make it extremely easy to stay in contact with people all over the world.
When I lived in Japan email was new and Facebook didn’t exist. Letters took a week to make it home. The time difference was the complete opposite; our morning was their night. Now it is so easy to remain in contact. You can instant message a loved one and gain comfort in a conversation at any time.
If you want to move so that you will improve your life or escape from your problems, I encourage you to start making changes now. Remind yourself that wherever you go, there you are.
Your problems will not change; so if you are lonely, make friends now. If you are bored, sign up for a class, learn a new skill, or invite your friends over. You find your joy within not from someone or somewhere else.
“If you want to be happy, be.” ~Leo Tolstoy
Photo by Lel4nd
About Roo Mulligan
Roo Mulligan is a certified fitness specialist and a Wellness Life Coach with a Master's in Counseling. She specializes in incorporating fun into our health to increase our energy and bring joy into our lives. Learn more about Roo on her website, www.healthylivingisfun.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
sol helpful thank you.
A fabulous article thankyou! I too have moved a lot at various times of my life but have found myself somewhere for the last four years Idid not want to be – 400 miles away from my children & friends and somewhere I had thought I would remain for a long time. I did not follow the advice you offer here & have suffered the consequences by exacerbating what I miss. it was almost as I was scared that if chose to live here & now & make the best of it I was denying my wish to return to somewhere else or devaluing my feelings for those people. Really I now realise that what I wanted was a return to a former spiritual safe place in my life rather than a geographical space (I moved to be closer to my terminally ill & now deceased parents). I am starting to get out into my current world and community and though its very hard, especially alone, it is better than choosing not to. The time spent here will be spent here anyway I just as well try to enjoy it!
This was such an important read for me! I’m moving to Paris for graduate school and although I’m excited (and have lived abroad before), the expectations can be overwhelming. Thank you for the reminder to take a deep breath and enjoy a joyous transition.
“A man is not where he lives but where he loves.” A man is not
where he’s physically located or where he’s born but where his thoughts
and emotions are, whether it refers to a person or a place. That’s how i understood it. I always thought
that no matter where you are born your home might be somewhere else so of
course you can be happier somewhere else if you are miserable where you
are.. That’s quiet individual, and your story is subjective which is
fine. When you are bored, sad or whatever get up and move, as someone
said, if you don’t find something pleasant you’ll find something new, and
that new should refresh your spirit!
This is a great post – and relevant not only in terms of physical relocation but also emotional relocation. It reminds me of the saying “Wherever you go, there you are” which in my former life (when I was married to a narcissist) was pure hell. I wanted to run away from the dysfunction and could not figure out what it was that was making me unhappy (it was because both he and I loved only him!) My mother (married to my father, also a narcissist) told me that wherever I went, I’d still be stuck with myself and I had better learn to live with that (not a good thing at the time because I didn’t even love myself). It was frustrating to know that I would be unhappy everywhere (if I stayed with him.)
Today, I am happily divorced and I can celebrate the fact that I love myself (which means that someone finally loves me unconditionally and completely). It is great to be happy and know that “wherever I go, there I am” and it’s now a good thing!
I know this isn’t the exact sentiment you are talking about, but I just wanted to share how inspiring your post was – Thank you!
That is exactly what I was aiming for Carol. Thank you for your comment and sharing your story. Congratulations on figuring out that you are enough and you are wonderful wherever you go. Many of us do tend to search for ourselves and seek to find ourselves elsewhere. We will be about as happy as we choose to be no matter where we end up. Best of luck to you.
thank you for your comment Zoro. Love the name 🙂 I like your idea to get up and move if you are bored or sad. Sitting around and feeling miserable will not change your circumstances and resisting the reality of where you live with constant thoughts of unhappiness and discontent will not bring you happiness. Your thoughts do determine your level of contendedness. If you explore your location, keep yourself interested and strive to make friends you can learn to think “good” thoughts of where you live. You don’t necessarily have to move locations, just your discontended thoughts and emotions.
How exciting Danielle! Good luck and congrats on going to Paris for graduate school.
thank you for sharing your story Deb. I love your last line, “the time spent here will be spent here anyway I might just as well try to enjoy it!” So true! I have lived this last move in an area that I didn’t have much interest in living and the temptation to resist and grump and complain and just be miserable is very tempting. When you focus on your location, realize you make your own level of happiness and determine to make the best of it you can amaze yourself with the wonderful people you will meet and the experiences you will have that you never expected. You are not being disloyal to your children or assuring that you’ll never get back by accepting where you are. You have to live your life. You can’t put it on hold and wait until the setting is “perfect”. Good for you for being brave and getting out into your current world. I wish you the best of luck.
Great post, thank you.
I lived in a few cities abroad and I really enjoyed exploring the lifestyle, museums, cafes….still, sometimes being ALONE at a place can be a bit overwhelming. Some nations are friendlier and make you feel at home immediately, but in other places i had really hard time connecting to people.
Today, I live in my home town, home country and sometimes long for being elsewhere….to explore another country once again. Will see where life takes me next. 🙂
My dad is a diplomat, and I’ve been moving every few years all throughout my life. When people ask me where home is, I never know how to answer! Home is anywhere that makes me comfortable and happy (or where my parents are).
Thanks for the post 🙂