“In this world, an ordinary life has become synonymous with a meaningless life.” ~Brené Brown
As I see it, there are two types of people out there.
There are those who read goal attainment books and feel inspired, and me.
The former will read the anecdotes about all those underdogs who beat the odds and managed to achieve wealth and prestige beyond their wildest dreams and will say to themselves, “Wow! That could be me!” They’ll feel enlightened, invigorated, and revved up to make a change.
And then there’s me.
While I may initially pick up such a book with genuine interest, my desire to whip my life into shape will invariably do an about-face, leaving me anything but inspired. If I say anything to myself as I read, it’s more likely to be a string of ego-deflating curses than a yearning-filled “one day that’ll be me.”
I actually discovered my aversion to success books by accident. Charged by work with the task of developing an online course on the topic of goal attainment, I began to do some research.
At first, it all seemed dandy. To-do lists? I can get behind those. Articulating a vision for the future? Check, check! But then, as I started to delve a bit more, I began to sink into a mire of confusion amid all the contradictory advice:
Make to-do lists and then prioritize them by urgency. No, not by urgency, by importance, because that’s the way to a meaningful life. Except that to-do lists are actually now passé, so chuck those altogether. It’s the “less is more” mindset that will breed success.
Just make sure you’re not spending too much time planning your tasks, because that takes you away from working on them. Although most failed projects could have been saved at the planning stages, so planning is crucial before embarking on any project. You would have known all of this had you properly color-coded your task list in the first place!
The more I delved, the more aware I became of an undercurrent of shame that was slowly simmering inside of me. It was the feeling that something was dreadfully wrong with me if I was not willing to do whatever it takes, like the underdogs in the books.
Didn’t I have any faith in the universal laws that turned out Oprahs and J.K. Rowlings and an endless stream of other success stories? Why, it might be as simple as manifesting my destiny with positive thinking, or mindfulness, or a cream cheese bagel for all I knew.
No dice. Guess I’m just not built for success.
And yet at some point, maybe just for fun, I began to consider an alternative: What if most of the people I know are more like me than them—you know, busy with life, proud of themselves when they hit “good enough,” happy to have work that is more or less satisfying, even if it’s not tremendously lucrative or glamorous?
What if others don’t view themselves as a rags-to-riches tale waiting to happen and instead walk around with their heads held high simply because they are proud of the ordinary lives they are living?
It felt subversive, empowering, and indeed nothing short of revolutionary.
Success doesn’t have to mean a coastal beach house or getting up to speak in front of a crowded audience where everyone knows just who you are, what you do, and how much you’re worth.
There is a quieter, softer form of success.
I began crafting my own definitions and principles of success. Things along the lines of:
* If you have one person in your life you genuinely care about and who genuinely cares about you, you’re successful.
* If you have one more positive thought today than you had yesterday, you’re successful.
* If you have just one thing to be proud of, or be grateful for, or to celebrate, even if it’s just the fact that you didn’t rip anyone’s head off even though you had a miserable day, you’re successful.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m all for setting and achieving goals. I’m also all for striving to become the next one-in-a-million success story, if that’s what floats your boat. But if it isn’t what floats your boat, that’s no indicator of your personal worth, or lack thereof.
It’s a sad sign of the times that success is measured in extraordinary terms only. It’s as if the benchmarks of ordinary, mundane success have now been rendered obsolete, or worse: something to feel ashamed of.
It takes heaping amounts of courage to step back from the grandiose expectations of what success books tell you life could be and say that what you already have is enough. Maybe even more than enough. But in truth it is.
So, if you, like me, are an “unsuccessful” type, the type that reads about the Oprahs of our world with little more by way of reaction than a “that’s nice,” remember that great potential for success lies in your own backyard.
Success is what you make of it—even if that means simple, boring, ordinary ole everyday life.
About Orit Wittenberg
Orit Wittenberg is a Jerusalem-based writer, editor, and mom. When she's not working on creating content to help people live better, "realer," more meaningful lives, you'll find her playing with her three young boys, or playing piano, or painting, or painting her two young boys as they play piano.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Quite brilliantly put, the greatest pity is that more people do not realise this.
Boy could I get into THIS writing! I actually finished reading it..so I am successful. And off the hook for perfectionism crap! YAY
Due to some time off work recently (had to have needed surgery), I’ve had time to reflect more on my life, the “big picture” of it, and fell into a bit of melancholy over paths not taken. Truly enjoyed and appreciated this perspective. Thanks so much.
I love, love, love this article. It’s time to stop striving, and just BE.
Very inspiring!
Love this!!! Take a look around to see what you have now instead of always needing to do more or be more to feel “successful”. Thank you for this!
Thank you ! How awesomely refreshing !
You’ve helped me to breathe, Orit, not just a sigh but a beautiful, big breath of relief and release… Thank you for writing and sharing this!!
Thank you so much for this! I am going to graduate college in a few months and these ideas have been on my mind a lot and it’s been STRESSING ME OUT! I got stuck in the loop of thinking I’m a failure because I haven’t done more, but, I love that you define your own vision of success. I need to sit down and meditate on mine, because trying to live up to the world’s is really making me feel small and sad.
Hello Orit, the question of ‘what is success’ and ‘what does this mean’ is a question that has also recently troubled me, so your post certainly resonated with my own deliberation for an answer.
My own conclusion was also similar to yours in that the meaning of success is ‘what you make of it’ and therefore should not be sought after in the opinions and ideals of others, because as in the words of ‘Desiderata’ by Max Ehrmann ‘if you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself’.
Thank you for so eloquently writing what so many of us feel. Although I really knew deep down what you wrote to be true, it was so validating to read it!!
In my world, I am surrounded by people who measure success in their own unique way. For some it is marked by just getting up in the morning, for others it’s about self-expression or creating new life pathways. For me it’s about being human, keeping it real, showing up, staying present, living with integrity and serving others from my heart in the best way I can. I’m with you on all you say – I believe we need a future vision and means goals (rather than end goals), but I fundamentally disagree that the vast majority feel failure because they’re not living ‘extraordinary’ lives.
There’s a huge turning of the tide and we’re becoming so much more aware now. Many of us realise we get to define our own version of success. The only people that think differently to this are those that haven’t yet woken up to see how incredible they are in their own right, and haven’t yet seen how out of date the old masculine success paradigm is.
Thank you for making me think and sharing something that’s really important to discuss 🙂
I live what many would consider a very ordinary life and there have been many times over the years when I have felt less than when I hear about or see others around me accomplishing “great things”. However, more recently I have come to realize that I actually really love my “ordinary” life. I especially love it when I am able to see the “extraordinary” in the every day moments of my family, my friends, my classroom and nature. I have learned to look for and see miracles in the ordinary and that has made all the difference for me! Thank you for a great article!
Great quote and so true!
Hi Helen, I’m so glad you disagree — and I hope more people experience the world as you do! For me, the feelings of inadequacy that come along with living a plain, normal life are very subtle. No one actually sits you down and says your life isn’t sensational enough and you’d better get some new goals. But in effect, that’s the message I keep seeing everywhere I look! Here’s to the turning of the tide 🙂
Thank you!
There’s the spirit 🙂
I absolutely loved this <3 I have realized over the past few years that my idea of success is different from the vast majority of people around me, and for most of my life this has left me with a feeling of not being good enough.
I have a wonderful family including my boyfriend of 20 years, a handful of friends I love and trust, a nice house with a garden, and a safe job. I earn enough money to pay my bills and eat well, with a bit left over for books, concerts and other things I love. I don't dream of exotic vacations, fancy cars or expensive jewelry. But I work on myself a little every day – to be kinder to myself and to others, to be more grounded and less vulnerable.
But I have come to realize I need not measure myself against anyone. I live with a chronic illness that limits me in several ways. I never have the same amount of energy or time to spend exercising, socializing etc, as many others. Success for me is having days without pain, days when I have the energy to spend time with the people I love or working on my hobbies, even after a full day at work. I will never run a marathon or be a size six, but that's okay!
I love the books as well. Zig Ziglar has challenged me to achieve more than I thought I could. But at some point, you have to realize if you’re happy, you have your bills paid, and can enjoy the simple things, that success is really simple and what you make of it. Not what others define it as. Your writing on this was excellent!
Sometimes tho I Kinda Wish Life Had An Instruction Manual
This is so timely for me! Thank you!
I love that!