We Are Victors, Not Victims

TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of assault and may be triggering to some people. 

“You are not a victim. No matter what you have been through, you’re still here. You may have been challenged, hurt, betrayed, beaten, and discouraged, but nothing has defeated you. You are still here! You have been delayed but not denied. You are not a victim, you are a victor. You have a history of victory.” ~Steve Maraboli

I was about twenty years old. It was a beautiful summer day, and I decided to walk to my parents’ house.

I usually called them first to let them know I’d be coming, but that day I wanted it to be a surprise. It was a twenty-minute walk there, and I had two bridges to cross, then a small trail close to the woods to walk through and I’d be there.

I started feeling followed crossing the second bridge, but hey, anyone can take a walk on such a beautiful day, right? So, I continued on and entered the path close to the woods. I was almost there!

When trees were hiding us from all the passing cars on the road, I felt that the boy following me was getting closer and closer.

Suddenly, as a cat hunting a mouse, he jumped on me from behind and tackled me to the ground. He started kissing and groping me, and I tried to fight him and fidget my way out to no avail. He was much stronger than I was, even if he looked a bit younger than me.

I didn’t scream at all; I was subdued! I started to talk to him, plead with him to stop doing this to me. I lied and told him that my parents were waiting for me and would be worried if I didn’t show up soon, and they’d come find me. No reaction.

He kept abusing me and trying to take my clothes off while pinning me down. He didn’t speak a word. He never looked me in the eye.

Then, I thought I could talk him out of it by using the psychology I’d learned in college. I started telling him that he must be a good person inside, and that he would feel ashamed if he continued like this.

I told him that there was no reason to do this since he could certainly have the “real” thing with a consenting woman, and it would be so much more pleasurable than this ugly one-sided aggression.

Well, I’m not sure what worked. Was it the psychology stunt I pulled or did he just get bored of this stupid young woman who just wouldn’t shut up? He just got up, left me lying there dazed and confused, and ran off never to be seen again.

I picked myself up, tried to get the dirt off me as much as possible, and walked shakily to my parents’ house.

Google defines a victim as a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action. Obviously, the casualties are the only victims that do not have to learn to live with the aftermath of the traumatic event. The others, however, are marked either physically or psychologically by what happened to them.

The six o’clock news is filled with stories of tragedies, big and small. These can take on so many different forms, but the end result is always the same: victims. They can be victims of Mother Nature’s wrath, victims of a horrific crime or injustice, or victims of some kind of accident.

So many people feel stuck in their lives after having lived through a traumatic experience. They are paralyzed for months, years, and even decades by the shock, hurt, and fear associated with what they’ve endured.

Some people have to live with physical reminders of this tragic event, and others have psychological repercussions that limit their ability to live a normal life.

After my aggression, I felt soiled, tainted. I remember taking shower after shower trying to get my aggressor’s smell off of me. But even when I was sure I was clean of any traces of him, my brain was stuck in the event.

How can one evolve from being a victim to being a survivor? Doesn’t the term “survivor” give more hope in tomorrow than “victim”? Seems to me that “victim” suggests ongoing pain and suffering, whereas “survivor” is someone who was able to leave the pain and suffering behind him and start living again.

“I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.” ~Carl Jung

So the first step is to acknowledge that yes, you were a victim, but who you are and what happened to you are two very different things. You have to learn to establish a separation between the two if you ever wish to distance yourself from the victim you once were.

I was able to graduate from victim to survivor when I acknowledged that I had been violated—that I had been a victim. I had to work through the guilt of thinking I must have done something to deserve this. I kept re-living the scene over and over again in my mind, wondering where I went wrong and how I could have reacted differently.

I also felt guilty about the way I had resolved the situation. Why hadn’t I screamed, hit him, hurt him? The very questions that the policemen asked me when I reported the aggression.

Now I realize that the way I handled the situation (although it didn’t please the policemen) was my way of resolving this. I shouldn’t feel guilty since, in the end, it worked. When policemen are placed in difficult situations, they get to choose how they react. I had to do the same.

The next step is forgiveness—forgiving the person who hurt you or accepting the fact that nature acts up sometimes and people get stuck in the middle of it. In some instances, people just have to accept that accidents happen; there isn’t always someone to blame or lash out at.

“Forgiving someone doesn’t mean condoning their behavior. It doesn’t mean forgetting how they hurt you or giving that person room to hurt you again. Forgiving someone means making peace with what happened. It means acknowledging your wound, giving yourself permission to feel the pain, and recognizing why that pain no longer serves you. It means letting go of the hurt and resentment so that you can heal and move on.” ~Daniell Koepke

Obviously, this is easier said than done.

In my case, forgiving my aggressor was easier than letting go of my feelings of guilt. Even during the aggression, I felt that this boy was not well. It was clear to me that he was acting this way because he felt alone and unloved.

He decided that he was going to fill his need for contact and love even if it was in an inappropriate way; his need was just too strong. I’m not saying he was right to do what he did; I’m just saying that I understand and can forgive him.

But forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. I believe that surviving a traumatic event changes you forever. You will not react to life the same way that you would have reacted before having lived through this.

I am more careful now of where I walk when I’m alone, and much less relaxed when being followed by someone.

Sometimes a situation can trigger me and transport me right back to that very moment to relive the whole thing yet again. Usually this happens when someone playfully restrains me with his hands to tickle me, touch me, or kiss me.

I will never be the naive and carefree girl that I was before my attack. I have my scars. They are not physical but psychological, yet they are very real.

However, I have learned not to let this event define me. I have decided that this is but one event among so many others (good and bad) that have helped shape me into the woman that I am today. I am now a “victor.” I have won!

I can live, I can smile, I can laugh. I can walk, I can run, I can soar. I am stronger than whatever happens to me. And so are you.

Free woman silhouette via Shutterstock

About Carole Deschamps

Carole Deschamps believes each day has its blessing. If you’d like to discover how to live mindfully with the right attitude and perspective to collect “white pebble days” like she does, check out her blog anotherwhitepebbleday.com. She can also be found on Twitter @WhitePebbleDay and on Facebook facebook.com/anotherwhitepebbleday.

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