“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” ~Joseph Campbell
I stood in front of my father, man to man, and demanded an apology. His long absence and lack of interest during my formative years had burned within me a resentment that wouldn’t quit. My therapist suggested that I confront him as one adult to another, so there I was.
It didn’t go well. The more I pointed out his failures, the more defensive he got. The more I demanded an apology, the more he justified his actions. In his mind, he wasn’t to blame for the fact that I spent much of my childhood longing for the particular kind of bonding that only a loving father can provide.
“It’s a simple apology!” I finally screamed. “That’s it. That is all I want. You weren’t around and you damn well should have been. I needed you. It’s not rocket science. Children need their parents. But you didn’t care about me, did you?”
“Well, you are only alienating me further by the way you’re acting now,” he replied, offended.
Maddening. I left that encounter with a splitting headache that lasted three days. What gives? How could he be so narcissistic? I returned to my therapist, Jake, to discuss the incident.
“You confronted your father and really pushed him. I guess you needed to do that,” Jake said with a tone of respect. “Now, perhaps you can approach him in a different way, coming from a different place.”
Forgiveness
I agreed that Jake must be right, although it would be three years before I understood what that new approach might be. I knew I needed to forgive him, so I just kept trying. All of the prayers, affirmations, visualizations, and other work must have been helping, but I never experienced the true letting go of resentment that comes with actual forgiveness. It didn’t feel like a choice.
The answer came from a client. She had come to me for help in dealing with her son and happened to tell me about an encounter she once had with a Buddhist monk. After angrily relating the sad tale of her childhood and the awful parenting she experienced, the monk simply stated the following:
You are the wrongdoer now.
It hit me like a ton of bricks.
I had never considered my father from the perspective that I might be in the wrong somehow.
I was working like mad trying to forgive him, hoping to alleviate my anger, but I didn’t realize that the anger itself, at this point in my life, was a wrong that I was perpetrating. It dawned on me a little more each day.
My father was a person who was living in the shadow of my resentment, day in and day out. What is it like to have an unforgiving son? How well can anyone get along with people whose sole purpose is to take them down? A mental floodgate had opened and energy was flowing in a totally new direction.
The next visit with my father was different.
My sincere plea was, “I came to apologize to you, Dad, for resenting you. I know it’s affected our relationship. I’ve been hateful to you for not being available when I was young. I really needed you then, but showing up screaming at you and demanding apologies isn’t exactly helpful. I understand that now and hope you can forgive me for mistreating you for so many years.”
Acceptance
I’d like to tell you here that my dad broke down in tears, took responsibility for everything, begged my forgiveness, and became my best friend from that moment on, but that would be a lie. He merely asked, “Why don’t we just drop the whole thing and move on?”
“Agreed,” I replied. Then, we watched whatever ballgame was on the television. My dad was indeed emotionally unavailable. He didn’t connect well with other people, including all of his children, and he was unhappy for his lack of caring. His favorite pastime was to be left alone and without obligation.
I, on the other hand, was finally free. No more resentment burning up my days and nights. No more feeling like a victim of child neglect. No more anger for being born. I could see my father now, not from the perspective of a child with unmet needs, but as an adult capable of understanding that people aren’t always what you need them to be.
With all of the ups and downs, emotional setbacks and struggles in my relating to my dad, this perspective has been the most valuable of all.
New Perspective
There are those who have suggested that I could have never asked his forgiveness or let go of the anger if I had not first confronted him and “gotten it off my chest.” This may be true. I’ll never know because that is what I did and I can’t return to do it over any other way.
I’m not so concerned about it. I’m not trying to write a forgiveness protocol. Everyone is faced with unique circumstances that deserve to be considered as such.
What does all this say about forgiveness? To me it is simple. When you can’t forgive another person, stop and consider what you’ve done that needs forgiving. Turn forgiveness inside out.
About Mike Bundrant
Mike Bundrant is co-author of The AHA Solution: An End to Self-Sabotage. To watch a free, 20-minute webinar on psychological attachments and how to end self-sabotage in your life, click here.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
This story hits so close to home for me. Thanks for sharing and the advice with it.
Mike,
What a fantastic post. I appreciate your honesty about such a personal experience. This really resonated with me, and I’m so glad you’ve foudn that freedom for yourself!
Whatever I resent being myself or not, my bad news is still an issue that even God’s Lawyer, Gerry Spence, Utah, never explained to me that I could count on to exist as my own & relevant case, – which, however, on the other hand, made me realise, what money was, right now: A symbol & a repetition of the fact that the more, Both exist, God & that money ideal, the more We Ourselves do well to ‘testify’ to being happy to be Honest Hum- & Galaxians, not that I don’t trust You All, so that I can of course become & believe in & so on, which is already quite obvious, greetings, ‘J.A.,’ guitartie@yahoo.ie, there to be continued.
Great post, Mike! I’ve had similar experiences with my folks, now just continuing to work on finding the means of forgiving myself, and letting go of whatever darkness is still inside that feels I’m to blame for unfulfilled needs of love, safety, and acceptance from my parents when I was much younger, growing up.
Forgiving them from an older, more cognisant mind proved to be a snap by comparison.
Continued: As my bad news is that money can still exist as no good idea, whatever good future, our real task is morally seen an issue that I still don’t give into, never consider as any idea, whatsoever that I can exist as any relevant labour compromise, any suggestions, please? Greetings, ‘J.A.,’ guitartie@yahoo.ie.
I dealt with the same scenario a number of years ago with my father, and was able to work through it with him and build a quality relationship that lasted for a number of years before his passing, which were priceless. I’m glad you were eventually able to salvage your relationship as well.
This article also strikes a chord with another relationship I am working on now. I value this person immensely, and she is emotionally turned off in many ways. It’s an issue that comes and goes and I have really struggled with it. I would really like her to engage in some various conversations, to help us better work through some issues, but she just doesn’t have it in her sometimes. At first, this really upset me, but I’ve come to the realization that the method I prefer just isn’t going to work with her. I have to accept that and compromise to get the result that we are looking for. It’s all a learning process with some people.
Anyhow thanks, I liked the insights.
Thank you very much. I have the same problem with my father and I am still angry because of this. I needed him very much but he was not available although we live in the same place until now. when I was a child I needed a word or a smile I can’t say a hug but he was not able to do this. yor words really touch me because I feel the same. really I want to forgive him and I need to do this for myself not for him. I feel as a victim and I need to stop to feel like that.
Thanks for your post, Mike:) The funny thing about forgiveness is that by letting go of something outside of ourselves, it gives us peace inside of ourselves. Some people think forgiveness has to do with another person; I believe that it is a personal experience that other people may (or may not) reap the benefits of. I saw this post on Facebook and I just finished watching another video about a man who forgave someone who shot him in the face. http://bit.ly/vbsxE9 People will continue on with their lives whether you forgive them or not; but forgiving gives YOU freedom:) Have a good one! Peace & Love.
Forgiveness is really for the person doing the forgiving, not the person being forgiven. Seems like you learned that lesson and I am sure it is one that will serve you well the rest of your life. Execellent post.
excellent! i too held resentment towards my dad for not being there.. and choosing to live 12 hours away. i never confronted him directly, but when i looked at his life and choices from an adult perspective i realized he is human and forgave. at times i still mourn for the time lost with him but i feel no anger… i let acceptance and love take its place.
“Turn forgiveness inside out.” What an awesome way to put that! I think forgiveness is one of the hardest obstacles to overcome, whether it’s forgiving someone else or forgiving yourself. Taking responsiblity is a hard thing to do until it slaps you in the head. I loved your article and thank you for opening yourself up to share such a perfect example of forgiveness and how long and difficult it can be. Congratulations on your new sense of peace.
Jacquellyn
Thank you, Mike. I’ve been working on forgiving both my parents for their emotional distance — your posting really hit home.
Namaste!
Thanks for the thoughts, Julie, and congratulations for your realization. -Mike
It’s one of the most difficult things to do…to forgive our parents, especially when they continue on their chosen path without acknowledging their responsibility. I’ll venture that most people avoid even thinking about these issues, let alone arrive at a place of genuine letting go. So, just confronting the issue is an act of courage in my view. Best to you.
Many thanks:)
Thanks for the feedback and best to you, Fiona.
My pleasure and best to you!
You’re welcome, Jacquellyn. You bring up a great point about it being a long and difficult process in many cases. We need to be patient with ourselves. For me it didn’t feel like a choice for the longest time, so I had to keep making the only choice I could – to stay with the process, learn and grow toward it. And it still isn’t perfect:)
Thank you — I did benefit so much from it and hope my father did as well. I think he did.
Agreed. I also believe that developing the capacity to forgive is important. For me that meant getting my own life, establishing some degree of success in the world, becoming more emotionally independent and, essentially, growing up…these were all important pieces. Then, all of your emotional eggs are no longer in your parents’ basket, which makes it possible to begin to let go, not only of your parents’ wrongs, but be in a position to give something back to them regardless.
Thanks for your thoughts – all from an emotionally mature place. Much appreciated.
Thanks, Mike. There is an interesting (and risky to share) idea out there that when we blame ourselves, we are really blaming our parents. When I contend that I am no good – if you dig a little deeper you will likely find that I am contending that I am no good because my parents were no good. I am hanging onto resentment of them by holding myself hostage.
Again, it is risky to share because people tend to get offended by this thought. Anyway, I appreciated your feedback. Best to you.
Our fathers are the same. I did the same thing…spilling my heart, hoping he would understand what it was like from my point of view.
For me, freedom came when I finally forgave and let go…without the apology.
My father is an ass…so is my mom. They are so wrapped up in their own lives, they cannot see the pain it has caused me. Well, used to cause me.
Once I was able to see them as broken humans just doing the best they could, I was able to forgive the past. They have not been able to do the same…and for me, it is ok.
Forgiveness is something you do for yourself…allows you to let go of the past, and move on from it. It is powerful, but it must come from you and without expectation of anything reciprocated.
xoxo
I love that Susie. Forgiveness is really for the person doing the forgiving, not the person being forgiven. So true. Thank you
Thanks Mike, that touched me. My father is long gone, but I believe this approach can still be applied. Thankfully my active acute anger is long gone, but the resentment is still there, deep down.
This is the most inspiring post on Tiny Buddha I have ever read.
I have harbored resentment to my parents for a very long time and have felt justified in my position of anger, disappointment and withdrawal from everything associated with them.
My friends think it is justified, as does my family and my boyfriend.
I never felt the need to change my position on this.
Your simple words ” You are the wrongdoer now ” have actually changed my life. The instant I read those words something lifted and I am seeing things from a new perspective.
I am looking forward to seeing how I progress with this new way of seeing the world.
Thank you for opening my eyes and my heart.
– Samantha.k.b
you truly understand the meaning of forgiveness, & you are blessed…
Thank you.
It’s amazing, isn’t it? In some circles anger is called “the self-justifying emotion” because part of what makes it possible (in most cases) is to believe that someone else is blameworthy and we, therefore, are NOT. As soon as we acknowledge our side of the story, self-justifying anger loses it’s grip. Congratulations for your radical change in perspective. I’ll venture that you can never return to the old way of thinking:)
Powerful thoughts, thank you. It is also important to remember that every situation and person is unique – as we apply these universal principles – what works for me doesn’t work for someone else – which is why writing a “forgiveness protocol” is a tall order.
Agreed it can be applied in our hearts and minds when people concerned have passed.
I had a similar experience earlier this week. In the vein of turning it inside out and realizing that my own anger had become a wrong toward the person I was angry at. And seeing just how much the anger I thought was so justified was negatively affecting our relationship. I think we have turned a corner for the better. Thank you for your post.
Very good! I think it is hard for humans to not feel that they need to validate
their feelings, hence it is hard to forgive. I have dealt with this for a very
long time and find sometimes I’m slipping back into the “victim” versus just
letting go. Holding on has served me no purpose and I have no contact with the
person that hurt me so much yet for some reason I feel it necessary to carry it
around
This has been an issue that I’m dealing with in my life. I’ve chosen to keep a job working for a man that broke my heart. Every day is a struggle but the job is one that I care about. I’m trying to find that inner- strength to forgive him and admit my own responsibility in the anger. We’ve spent a LOT of time being angry with each other and I know it can’t continue. I’m hoping to use what you’ve shared in my own life.
This post resonate deeply with me due to a family situation that I have been “blessed” with. It has felt like a “sins of the father being revisited upon the son scenario” and I have struggled with acceptance, letting go and forgiveness around it. Your post is a powerful reminder of how holding up the mirror to my own reflection goes much farther in bringing healing and internal peace by holding myself accountable. Thank you.
love’n’light,
PD
“You are the wrongdoer now” – That statment is so true.
Also, resentment kills. It’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
This struck me as I have grudge or hatred towards my dad. I tried my best to forgive but as a child who seeks care and love for him. It definitely give me another perspective about what a genuine forgiveness is? Truly, if you seek and you shall find… I now know how to forgive him and somehow it gives me freedom. I am no longer jailed with anger. I am having an adult perspective about forgiveness.. Thank you very much.. >.<
Thanks a bunch for this share Mike. I have recently learned that forgiveness is the hardest but most loving thing one can do for themselves.
Knowing this hopefully will give me the strength and will to foregive more freely and quickly.
I am currently struggelimg with a hold on resentment towards my wife for resisting having my 74 year old mom spend 2 Sundays a month with us as she is board living alone since my dad passed 4 years ago.
Knowledge is useless without application.
Ty
great analogy!
Mike,
Good on you for embracing your compassionate adult and seeing your father as a human being, complete with his own sufferings and journey. It took me about 33 years of life to reach acceptance of my parents as humans with their own needs and wounds but once I did, it turned our relationships around. No, I didn’t get the parenting I had once desired but I got to decide proactively who and how I wanted to be — loving, caring, and attentive with them as we grew older. I’ve never regretted it.
Lovely post.
i think its better to apologize than to break the long relationships. forgiveness is an art and everyone should learn this art of forgiveness.
Another great post!
Wonderful!
Thank you. I needed this story.