“Never apologize for being sensitive or emotional. Let this be a sign that you’ve got a big heart and aren’t afraid to let others see it. Showing your emotions is a sign of strength.” ~Brigitte Nicole
We have a problem in the modern world that needs to be addressed.
It impacts huge numbers of the population but is so ingrained in our culture that it’s easy for us to overlook how dangerous it can be.
This problem is the denial of sensitivity.
We often associate sensitivity with weakness, but when we learn how to manage our energy and emotions we can actually become more controlled, empathetic, and driven.
Most people suppress their sensitivity, not realizing that it’s a very powerful source of productive energy once they can learn how to accept it and direct it toward something positive.
For a large portion of my life I would feel emotions very intensely, whether it was while watching movies or noticing the feelings of those around me. I guess you could say I was a natural empath.
Unfortunately, I did what most people do in Western society—I cut these feelings off at the source, intellectualizing everything and separating my head from my body.
However, over time I eventually learned that the more I avoided feelings, particularly negative ones, the longer they would persist. It was almost impossible to let go of things. It wasn’t uncommon for unresolved issues that I hadn’t thought about in years to come up in a dream.
Now through meditation and mindfulness practices I’ve learned to sit with my emotions and use sensitivity to feel more joy, be guided by my gut, and employ all that emotional energy in creative and constructive ways.
Why Do We Deny Our Sensitivity?
According to Researcher Elaine Aron, about 15-20% of the population are highly sensitive due to the nature of their nervous systems. These people generally have an inclination toward overstimulation, emotional reactivity, and empathy.
Whether I fall under this umbrella or not never interested me that much. What interested me was that our culture often finds it culturally inappropriate to experience or express sensitivity, even though there are millions of us living somewhere on that spectrum who could get much more out of life if we just learned to use our emotions!
How Can You Turn Your Sensitivity into a Strength?
There are many ways to do this, and it’s partly going to be dependent on you as an individual. However, there is an overarching point to keep in mind, and that is to accept yourself and your emotions as they are, not to repress or avoid them or to feel guilt for having them.
Repression or avoidance often leads to what are known as meta-emotions, emotions about emotions, such as being angry because you are sad, or feeling guilty because you are excited.
You want to stay as far away from a lot of these as possible, as they can be confusing and dangerous. Just try to experience the emotion as is and accept it for what it is.
Recently I had an experience whereby I caught myself doing just this. I found myself in a social situation feeling frustrated with someone else’s behavior. I then became judgmental of my own frustration—it didn’t fit with my self-image of being cool, calm, and collected—and this morphed into anger at myself.
After a five-minute dance of unnecessary negative meta-emotions, I was able to catch myself and realize that it was okay to just allow myself to feel frustrated. The person I was dealing with isn’t perfect, and neither am I.
Sitting with Your Emotions
Most people have a whole host of conscious or unconscious avoidance behaviors that stop them from feeling both negative and positive emotions. Their sensitivity can make it seem like the experiences are too overwhelming, so they intentionally cut them off.
This can be something as simple as turning the T.V. on after work to avoid reflecting on the problems of the day, to avoiding commitment to a lifelong partner or drinking to numb the stimulation of complex social environments.
In fact, one way I personally used to deal with this was to read books, particularly about psychology, philosophy, or spirituality. By doing so, I was ignoring or intellectualizing any confronting emotions I had, which gave me an excuse to ‘deal’ with them without actually dealing with them.
I’d also find myself diving head first into new projects or jobs or even sometimes travelling to new cities, because at the time they seemed like a quick fix solution to any uncomfortable feelings I was experiencing.
To counteract this tendency, which we all share to some degree, we need to recognize an emotion when it is there, accept it for what it is, nonjudgmentally, and physically sit with it for moment before letting it go.
Make Use of Your Passion and Creativity
One trait that often comes with being sensitive is being passionate and creative.
Sensitive people are often artists, and vice versa, as they are more aware of their emotions and better able to communicate them to others through their work. Sadly, traditionally schooling tends to value science and business related skills from an early age, and so as children we may be encouraged away from our creative endeavors.
If you feel you are passionate about something you should never shy away from following it, no matter what anyone else says. You should use any strong feelings you have as a compass that tells you what you want to be doing with your time.
Take Breaks and Reflect
Sensitive people often tend to be very reflective. If they spend too much time in intense environments (which is most of the time in large cities) they can become overwhelmed.
We can use this to our advantage by engaging in reflective practices such as journaling, and allowing ourselves time to let our batteries recharge.
By taking specific time out of our day to stop and think, whether that be at home or in nature, we can become more aware of our situation and the subtle nuances that are impacting us in our day to day lives.
Suppressing our sensitivity is never a healthy option. If we can learn to manage it with these practices we can use it to our advantage and allow it to become one of our biggest strengths.
How have you managed your sensitivity? Have you found any ways that help you to use it to your advantage? Let us know in the comments!
About Benjamin Fishel
Ben Fishel is a counsellor and psychotherapist. He has a background in neuroscience, counselling and existential psychotherapy and is on a mission to help people improve their mental health with cognitive science and spirituality. Ben offers a telehealth counseling service worldwide (with the exception of Canada & the U.S.). Don’t forget to follow him on Facebook for more of his essays!
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Brilliant post, Ben! ;-]
Sensitivity is nothing short of a gift. It’s a gift especially when it comes to raising our self-awareness and EQ (emotional intelligence).
Haruki Murakami once mentioned: “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” So, no matter what’s happening, we always have a choice how to react or what to make out of it. It’s up to us to assign meaning to anything that is happening around us.
I’m glad to see this subject being written about. I agree that we, as a society, have a problem with sensitivity/vulnerability. An oft overlooked aspect of finding happiness as a sensitive person is seeking out the right environment. For a long time, I was convinced there was something wrong with me because I didn’t enjoy the same things others did but immensely enjoyed things others didn’t. Sometimes I still feel as though I don’t fit in but recently I’ve realized there is a place for me in this world but it might not be in mainstream society. I have a close family member who’s also sensitive and has lived on and off as a Christian monk. Trying to meet society’s expectations is not for everyone.
Great article, it’s very nice to read about sensitivity and emotions in a posivite light. I struggled for a while to determine whether my emotions were a good thing or not. I’d go back and forth shutting them off and/or embracing them. It can be a real struggle. I’m in a much better place now and am continuing to improve. I love having articles like this to read in my spare time, Thank you.
Ive been ashamed of ny sensitive nature most of my life
Recently i started a new job and already ive met with a few strong characters
Ive spent most of my working life quitting jobs and escaping
At home i livewith a person who can be very abrupt
I feel at peace when im by myself resting recuperating
Writing in my journal
And just sitting with myself
As im getting older i feel im becoming more sensitive or perhaps im becoming more aware and accepting my sensitive side
Reading this article today gives me hope to be more concious of being around people who go about acting tough and negative
And to learn to accept them too as they are
And to acknowledge the feelings that come up for me and accept me too instead of judging myself
I have struggled with being ashamed of my sensitivity for a long time
Thank you today for such a good article that i so needed
That was my prayer yesterday to understand this side of me….
I use my HSP status every day in my career as a teacher. It is my most valuable tool for motivating learners because I can sense where they care coming from as they enter my classroom and adjust the lesson and teaching style to meet them where they are. Sometimes I simple playground situation could render a child “unteachable” but with a few words spoken quietly outside the classroom, I can often meet them where they are and bring them in so they can learn. It works well for understanding my colleagues too. I just have to be careful not to soak up to much of the others’ feelings and throw myself off for the day. I learned from another teacher that people with too much empathy need to know tools for setting up barriers and also that we can send energy we don’t need into the roots of trees, but hugging the trees and sending those feelings into the roots.
Wow I’m training to be a teacher and can completely relate to what you’ve written. Especially the part about meeting students halfway with their emotions. In my placements, I’ve always worked hard with the vulnerable and challenging students. By the end of placement it has usually paid off and I’ve managed to engage those students. Unfortunately I struggle with overstimulation especially since classrooms are so unpredictable. This has negative impacts on my health. Strong personalities also shake me, leaving me with reduced self esteem that effects my teaching. At times I have considered quitting and moving into social work instead. Do you have any tips on how to handle overstimulation in the teaching environment?
HI Lily, Thanks for sharing your use of your empath/sensitivity strengths in teaching. I became quite overwhelmed by the over-stimulation and a colleague gave me ideas and also suggested two excellent books by Rose Rosetree: The Empowered Empath and The Master Empath. Both help you use your gift but also “turn it off” when necessary for survival. Another good book is Self Care for the Self-Aware by Dave Markowitz. THe main concepts I carried forward into teaching were the ability to create a protective shield around myself and to sometimes “turn off” the receptors. I also learned that although being highly sensitive is a gift, I can’t really survive if I am in “ON” all the time. I am sure you have already read the HSP books … Highly Sensitive Person. I still occasionally reach overload and often need long periods of solitude to recover. That is why I don’t usually take classes during the summer break. Best to you and if you find any other ideas please share them, I am always looking for ways to navigate this gift.
Wonderful post Benjamin.
I am one of those sensitive people. Often when watching a movie or reading a book, my eyes become teary and I do my best to not let those around me see it.
I came from the mentality that “men are strong and do not show emotion,” however, over the years I have chosen to not be ashamed of it.
I was not able to see the positive in it, until I read your article. You have changed my perspective and for that I say, Thank you.
I’m really glad it’s changed the way you look as this kind of thing Joel. I think whether or not we show emotion is irrelevant to our masculinity, it’s how we act with and use those emotions that defines us. It ends up being a little paradoxical anyway, because the belief that we shouldn’t show emotion is related to the idea of the challenge, and often it’s more of a challenge to show our emotions than it is to conceal them. Thanks for the read!
Teaching kids a healthy attitude towards sensitivity from a young age is really important. Keep up the good work!
Journalling can be a great way to express yourself in a judgement free environment. It’s good to hear you’re becoming more accepting of your sensitive side. Thanks for reading.
Thanks Aelio! We get so many mixed messages about emotions, it’s unsuprising that we can get confused from time to time. I’ll keep writing them if you keep reading them!
Nothing wrong with you at all. We live in a society that is incredibly diverse and it’s always good to celebrate that. Mainstream society isn’t for everyone, but it is good to see some attitudes are starting to change slowly but surely. Thanks for reading.
Thanks for the kind words LesyaLi. I’m a big believer that EQ (as opposed to IQ) is going to be a defining characterstic of successful people in the next century. And that Murakami quote definitely rings true!
“It ends up being a little paradoxical anyway, because the belief that we shouldn’t show emotion is related to the idea of the challenge, and often it’s more of a challenge to show our emotions than it is to conceal them.”
So true.
Thank you for the reply. Appreciate you taking some time to do so
Thank you so much for writing this wonderful post Benjamin. I am one of those sensitive people and it is sometimes difficult for me to keep my emotions to myself and channel my emotions, especially when people are negative or show bad, selfish behavior. No one really understands where my emotions are coming from and it frustrates and angers me. I feel relieved to know that they are other sensitive people like me. Although I have been well aware of my ability to reflect moments and be kindhearted towards others, I feel much happier about myself after reading this post. I will try journaling my thoughts and spending more time in the nature where I feel like myself–infinite.
Again, thank you so for giving me confidence in my sensitivity.
Thank you for so much for sharing Ben. I am a highly sensitive person myself and like other people have written we can sometimes feel alone or frustrated with the expectations of keeping our emotions hidden in our society. I also did this for much of my life, I would try to hide my emotions to try to ‘fit in’ with others. But I found that the longer I kept my feelings bottled up, it would eventually become too much & I would turn to destructive actions and just end up hurting myself and those around me & feel even worse!
So thank you for your article as I have been working on being happy in myself & not hiding away my emotions & allowing myself to be true to me. I find that writing, meditation and being creative are great outlets for me & help me to express myself in healthy ways. I enjoyed reading all the posts from everyone that shared something too. Thanks
I think being “sensitive” should be normal. I think everyone is capable of being sensitive, and people who are insensitive strike me as narcissists or out of touch. I also work with men from an eastern culture and I’ve never known such emotional intelligence en masse…at least I have been very impressed. They have helped me grow by observing how they process emotions. I learned self acceptance. I definetely have to go through the all the emotions or I will turn to addictive behaviors…I tell myself to feel it. I am better for it! I think being sensitive is great! It adds wisdom to life and I feel sorry for people who are “unsettled,” as an Indian friend put it.
It’s important to mention the downsides of being a HSP and working with kids. What helped me, dear Lily, was Yoga and I can absolutely recommend it!
Thanks for raising this issue and all the commends, guys! Nowadays it has become more and more important to show feelings openly and talk about them!
I agree with you. I am guy and I think I am highly sensitive too. I easily get teary eyed when I see movies, music, when I see other’s pain, happiness etc. While it is easy to express it when you are alone, it is hard to express yourself in other environments and you end up disguising your tears behind yawns, dust particles in eyes and make up excuses. And society thinks something is wrong when they see a person tear up. Being a sensitive person is something which cannot be explained but only be experienced. It is not as easy as just choosing not to be sensitive, which I think most people believe is easily doable.
1. Sensitivity is something that a person has to live with. After years of berating myself, I have come to realise that it is infact a superpower. If managed properly, it can lead to some of the most beautiful creations (artistic or otherwise).
2. Empathy has helped me deal with certain emotions and people. It has helped in forgiving some people that I felt have hurt me through their actions or words.
3. In my experience, Vipassana meditation and practicing mindfulness helps. Sometimes even these seem like a lot of work, but they definitely help in managing emotions in a better way.
I absolutely agree EQ is so incredibly valuable and worth investing in. Emotional intelligence is “something” in each of us that is a bit intangible, I guess. It affects how we manage behavior, navigate social complexities, and make personal decisions that achieve results. EQ is made up of four core skills that pair up under two primary competencies: personal competence and social competence 😉 I’ve read somewhere that unlike IQ, our EQ is highly malleable. As we train our brain by repeatedly practicing new EQ behaviors, our brain builds the pathways needed to make them into habits (!) Fair to say, before long, we will begin responding to the surroundings with higher EQ without even having to think about it. And as our brain reinforces the use of new behaviors, the connections supporting old, destructive behaviors will die off, hopefully 🙂