“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.
A few years ago, when my younger son was about ten, the reality of the losses that go with living in this beautiful but flawed world suddenly hit him.
I’ll never forget the conversation. This was a child born two months before 9/11, and since we live in a New York suburb and my husband worked across the street from the Twin Towers, what was a loss for so many has been my son’s reality his whole life. Both of my sons are in the generation of children who live in a forever-changed United States.
My sons have also grown up with me as a mother, a person forever changed by two monumental personal losses when I was twenty and twenty-one.
I am the youngest of five. Above me were two brothers, then my two sisters. Both of my brothers died in the same year when they were just twenty-three and twenty-seven years old. One brother died by his own hand after several years of battling mental illness. My other brother died in a plane crash in Pakistan with fifty-three other people just ten months later.
What my son really wanted to know that day was “Why?” Why do we live in a world like this, where people we love die? What is the reasoning behind human life including such extraordinary pain? Why?
The why of loss is the ultimate question, isn’t it? I can tell you that after twenty-five years of living with the loss of my brothers, the two people I was closest to in the world, I have no answers. Yet, that is the answer.
We don’t know why these things happen. We can’t possibly fathom why terrible things have happened in human history, over and over, both in big ways and in small.
How could our limited human brains possibly come up with a justification for the most horrific losses, the greatest pains? They can’t. It is beyond mere human understanding. It is a waste of precious time while we who are still here try to go on with our lives.
So what do we do? How do we go on when we are faced with excruciating loss?
I was a senior in college when my first brother died, and a professor (who was also a minister) gave me a crucial bit of advice that I took to heart. He simply said, “Try not to become bitter.”
It is so easy to go the route of anger, resentment, self-pity, and the should-have mentality. It is worth fighting against, because it will eat you alive. Nothing is gained. The loss happened.
I was so sad for years, and I still cry sometimes about them, but there is no undoing my brothers’ deaths. Trust me, I often thought time-travel would be the perfect answer to bring my brothers back because it would allow me to do something different to save them. It’s ridiculous and yet the brain will go there.
The biggest load off my shoulders, and it took years, was complete acceptance that they were gone.
Then, my college professor’s sage advice kicked in. Don’t become bitter. It happened, so now what? I’m still here. My brothers loved me so much; the last thing they would want is for me to not live my life to the fullest. I can hear them now: Live. Love. Be here now. Marvel at life. See the good in everything. It is there.
So that is what I said to my son. They weren’t just words; it is how I live my life now. Life is good. There is beauty all around us. There is devastation and pain and people who hurt others, but who knows why?
We can help others deal with pain, we can comfort others; we should do this: we are all in this crazy, beautiful world together.
Just always remember: ‘bad’ things will happen, but there is more good than bad. There is more happiness than sorrow. There’s more life than death. It is all around us, as long as we are open to it.
The why of loss does not have an answer. The why of life has an infinity of answers. I am not bitter. I am a believer that life is a mystery, but it’s amazing. I am here, so I will enjoy every precious moment. It’s what my brothers would want. I accept life, and I am in awe of it.
Man silhouette via Shutterstock
About Gayle Schiller
Gayle Schiller is a mom, teacher, writer, and actor. She has a haiku blog about food and suburbia at 30poundsofhaiku.blogspot.com and her Twitter address is @sogal09.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
nice…. healing, inspiring…
“The why of life has an infinity of answers.” That sentence really strikes a chord with me. Very good article.
Hi Gayle, I am sorry for the loss of your brothers. The advice your professor gave you was really great. In life, we either get better or bitter. When people pass in my life, it hits me hard. It also makes me a better person. It shows me that tomorrow isn’t promised. Life is too short and we don’t know what is going to happen next. I try to live each day like it is my last. I try not to let little things get on my nerves or hold things against people. All we have are memories in the end. We have to make them good. I also believe that we are all made out of energy. Even though we physically may leave, we are still here. Maybe in a different form? Just my train of thought. Take care Gayle! <3
Brave and wise Gayle and real good advice. I have met so many bitter people in my life and it is the saddest thing to behold. Just a waste of percious time.
I’m so sorry for the terrible losses you’ve experienced. And yet life has to go on and it sounds like you’ve found a way to do that. As we get older the losses start to accumulate and the world looks like it’s falling apart. I keep working to see the good even in something small like the scent of lily on a summer day.
Thank you for your comments and kind words about my brothers. I agree with your thoughts about energy and a continuum of presence even after a person physically leaves. No question about it. -Gayle
Thank you, Holly, for your kindness and thoughts. All the “something small” goodness you mention accumulates to a lot of goodness, so keep it up. Thank you for reading my essay. -Gayle
Thank you, Aonva. Be well. -Gayle
Jeff, I’m so glad you read my essay and got something out of it. Thank you so much. Peace. -Gayle
Thank you for taking a moment to comment. I’m glad you read my essay. Peace. -Gayle
This is so deep. This hit me hard with painless nails. I am crying from reading that. Not because of the bad thing that has happen. It’s because how you handle it. The uniqueness of how you handle it. You turned it into a positive outcome in a way that truly exist. I don’t know you but I really love you for sharing this message. You gave me advice I could not get from the people I live with. Most people in the low-class society aren’t happy because they cannot see the light and is blinded by the darkness of financial problems. Thank you so much for what you did. I am a senior in high school and I am going to college next year. I have always been hopeful but I will take this message and live it.
David, Thank you for your heart-felt comments. I am so glad I was able to reach you and help you with my story. ~Gayle
Good advice but it aint always possible. Sometimes the loss is too great and people are never able to accept it.
Thank you for reading and commenting. I know how hard it is. It took me 20+ years to see that my not wanting to accept facts – their deaths – was only working against me. I started to change by seeing the tiniest spark of joy in brief moments of my day: the energizing smell of a bar of soap, the softness of my cat’s fur, a warming ray of sunshine after a rain… I encourage you to live in the moment as much as possible, and you will start to see goodness again. Loss, in all its forms, is universally one of life’s greatest challenges; I completely hear you on that. Stay with it.
I am so sorry for the loss of your brothers! This is very touching and with all the bad stuff going on I need to hear “there is more good then bad” we just need to think possitive and let the bad die I hope the world can be peaceful but there are billions of good people and that is the main thing like you! so sorry for your loss again 🙁
Are you sure there’s more good in life than bad? Yes, I notice there’s more good than bad in my life, but some of my online friends’ lives are completely different (and horrible) stories. That’s why I’m asking: are you sure?
At least when you are bitter you can accept that this world is a hell hole. Maybe the writer is from a different culture and views the world differently. I am speaking from a perspective of my life and maybe those that resonate. There is more negative than good, its only those that experience more good in their life can say there is more good, I was brought up with religion, pray to God and be decent, I don’t know what or who controls this world, all I know its not how I was brought up to believe. People mask their life and say sweet words to others and them self because its tastes like honey. There is more bad than good, but you have to make the most of it, be smart judge accordingly and take risks from time to time.
I think there is much more bad in the world, honestly. Think about it. There are so many internet users in the world and an extremely high percentage of people on earth use the internet. And if only about 1 percent of the whole internet is the accessible to everyone, (Google, yahoo bing, also sites like youtube. Seems like a ton right, It is. But what is the other 99 percent you may ask? Answer: The deep web. and even deeper, the dark web. The things that happen on these servers are horrific. The deep web is already bad. And the dark web. Even worse. Also, some regular internet users are bad people. So, if so many people which use the internet for bad purposes, thats most of the worlds population. And, we all know there are regular bad people in this world to. So not to disturb anyone, im sorry but this is my opinion.
I do not mean to offend you, but based on how you just explained the deep and dark web, you are absolutely wrong.
Yes the dark web is a scary place in the sense that accessing it guarantees almost 100% privacy. Yes illegal businesses may take place in such an environment.
But you’re confusing the dark and deep web as synonyms, of which they are not. They are not the same things. Just a little research is needed to understand this (please do so if you do not trust me).
The deep web is, “content of databases and other web services that for one reason or another cannot be indexed by conventional search engines.” Examples are any sites that are password protected. That is the deep web. The dark web exists within the deep web but they are not terms that can be used interchangeably.
The dark web is where all the scary things can happen. A rough estimation is that 4% of the internet is the surface web, 93% the deep web, and 3% the dark web.
To conclude, no, 99% of the internet is not used for illegal and dangerous businesses. Those sites exist only in a really small portion of the relatively safe internet.