fbpx
Menu

Transform Your Confidence by Learning to Approach New People

Friends

โ€œAs long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it.โ€ ~Eckhart Tolle

I remember it like it was yesterdayโ€”sitting in the corner of a bar in Holland at a social gathering, feeling alienated because I didnโ€™t know the people I had to mingle with. After all, they were friends of my girlfriend at the time.

My worries had consumed me and I didnโ€™t know where to begin. I wondered: Should I pluck up the courage to strike up a conversation, or should I withdraw?

I realized from this experience that I lacked self-confidence.

I was bullied as a kid, and because of my inability to connect with my peers I spent a lot of time in my room playing video games. I had no idea how to communicate, let alone show people who I really was as a person and what I had to offer.

In the long-term, my relationships suffered, I did terrible at job interviews, and I was always misunderstood, all things that affected my self-confidence.

I knew by my early twenties that something had to change. It seemed that everyone in my age group lived normal lives, with a great circle of friendsโ€”something that I always dreamed of having, but avoided with video games and social networking.

I understood that I had to start doing things differently; that I should no longer refuse an invite from a friend to go out and meet new people. That I should no longer say no to potential meetings, and to at least give things a try to see what happens.

My New Discovery

I realized that the potential for interacting with people was all around me. I vividly remembered going to department stores with my family, seeing people who I really wanted to meet, and resisting only to regret it later.

I knew at that moment that this was the biggest hurdle I had to deal with. If I were to simply get over my fears, my social skills and sense of self-confidence would begin to improve.

I understood at that moment that while I had a fear of approaching and starting conversations with strangers, I could get past it.

Slowly but surely, I did. I started taking baby steps by asking for directions and creating small talk with coffee shop baristas.

After doing this repeatedly, I eventually found myself in a place where I could easily strike up conversations and be comfortable in new environments. Sure, I still had a long way to go in being completely natural, but I knew I was making progress.

Fast-forward to today, my life has transformed. I no longer see people as strangers to fear; instead, I see opportunities to add value and make new friends.

What I Learned

The path I took was clear, and I will explain it to you as follows:

1. Be willing to fail and get rejected.

One of the first things I had to deal with when getting over my fears with strangers was the idea of getting rejected.

I would always imagine the worst possible scenario of getting told to go away, and this would prevent me from talking to them. This fear faded after I got rejected a handful of times.

I eventually understood that there was nothing to be afraid of since many of the people Iโ€™d met were indeed strangers who didnโ€™t know me.

Understand that rejection is part of the process and that itโ€™s never personal. There are a multitude of reasons why some people may not be willing to talk, and often it has nothing to do with you.

There is no way to know unless you go over and find out!

2. Find genuine reasons to talk to people.

What worried me the most was that I wouldnโ€™t know what to say to people. What can you say to someone when you donโ€™t know who they are?

I was left with only one choice: to somehow come up with a genuinely good reason to talk to them in the first place. Maybe it was it their style. Or I was lost and looking for directions. Or ย I was curious about where they were from.

Whatever the reason, start to become observant and really think about what it is about that person you would like to find out about.

3. Create a balance between statements and questions.

Try to imagine how you talk to good friends. How does the conversation usually flow?

One of the best ways to make a person feel comfortable is to balance statements and questions. Share about yourself and ask about them. Use their responses to your questions to shift the conversation toward topics theyโ€™re most comfortable with.

4. Be positive and playful.

As I started approaching more people and improving my communication skills, I began to see patterns in what people found comforting and what they found awkward. It was clear that most people prefer talking about uplifting topics, since most of us deal with a lot of negativity in our daily lives.

The more I appeared warm, friendly, and playful, the more value I was providing to people. I became a beacon of positivity, which emanated out of me, and in turn, allowed others to feel the same.

5. Be genuinely interested in people.

When you take an interest in other peopleโ€™s lives, it makes them see that youโ€™re genuinely interested in who they are.

What is it about them that youโ€™re curious about? What of what youโ€™ve already learned do you appreciate? Asking them about these things allow you to learn more about what makes them tick.

6. Remember how happy you feel when you connect with others.

The more I socialized, the more I started to feel a sense of happiness in myself and with others. I felt connected with society, and knew that the only way I could ever get to this place was through taking personal responsibility and getting out of my own way.

While I canโ€™t promise the same results as I had when taking these actions, what I can promise you is an increased sense of joy and connection with the outside world. We all want a sense of belonging. And once you find it, your sense of self-confidence will begin to flourish.ย 

Photo by Austin Goldberg

About Onder Hassan

Onder Hassan is passionate about building Self-Confidence and has started a Self-Confidence blog to help others do the same. He is also a published author of How To Cure Social Anxiety: An Alternative Guide. Sign up for his FREE YOU 2.0 course for a simple strategy to overcoming your fears to take you to the next level. He can be found on Google+

See a typo or inaccuracy? Please contact us so we can fix it!
Subscribe
Notify of
guest
14 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Vincent Nguyen

Woo! Good to see you on TinyBuddha, Onder! Good timing since I know it is your birthday today, after all.

I still remember the days when I would be super quiet and awkward if I didn’t know anyone. With enough practice, I now LOVE talking and meeting people. No more awkwardness and definitely the confidence is at an all time high.

Onder Hassan

Thanks Vincent. I know, it’s uncanny lol Good timing for Lori to post it.

I did exactly the same thing as you. I literally went out and spoke to complete strangers wherever I could find. It helped massively. Got loads of dates as a result, made loads of friends and build a wealth of contacts.

I’ve often said that the best way to develop personally is to actually ‘do’. It’s the biggest misnomer in the self improvement industry. There are loads of books and materials on the subject of improvement, but ultimately you have to put it all into practice.

NoRealName

Thank you for this post. Me too was bullied at school, and escaped from it by playing videogame. You actually described the same steps I’m taking now. What a coincidence haha ๐Ÿ˜€

S

Thanks I needed this!

Onder Hassan

Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed it ๐Ÿ™‚

Onder Hassan

You’re welcome ๐Ÿ™‚

V

Am not pulling a fast one here . . . I just thought I can implement your idea, I met a completely new person in my office, spoke to him for a few minutes and we came up with an amazing business idea! ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks Onder! It means a lot to me ๐Ÿ™‚

Excellent Onder. I don’t know if I can post a link here and I don’t do it to self-promote — check out this thing I’ve been doing on this post that I ironically posted to my site just two days ago!

http://www.sixsimplerules.com/make-new-friends-every-day/

Happy birthday and best regards,

David

Jay

Hi Onder thank you so much for sharing your story…this is just what i needed much at this moment…and the quote from Eckhart Tolle completely did it for me!!! Thank you once again!

Onder Hassan

You’re most Welcome V ๐Ÿ™‚
The biggest barrier that stops people from starting conversations with people is ‘fear of rejection’. Don’t be afraid of it and push forward.
Well done for doing it. You’ll be amazed at how much it will change your life ๐Ÿ™‚

Thanks David ๐Ÿ™‚
I’ll definitely check it out.

All the best!

Onder Hassan

No problem Jay.
Remember, fear is what stops us from doing anything. Push past it and give it a go. It will change your life!

RAD72

Onder,

Thank you for this article. This sounds exactly like me.

I am a 40 year old who has only a couple of text friends. I am able to make small talk in lines and in elevators, but I don’t know where else to try this. I only go out to run necessary errands, to work, or the occasional lunch by myself. Where else can a non drinker go to meet people? i want to meet more people, but don’t know where to go. Any suggestions?

Robb

Onder Hassan

Hi Rob,

The answer is, ‘Everywhere’ ๐Ÿ™‚

The whole world is a place to socialize. Whether it’s on the street, a book shop, a coffee shop or even in a supermarket. It really doesn’t matter.
The reason why many of us do not see these opportunities is due to society limiting us from what’s considered conventional and what isn’t.

Give it a try. You’ll be surprised at how receptive many of them will be towards you.