“Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy
I used to have a friend who wasn’t good for me. She would put me down at every opportunity. If she saw me laughing and smiling, she would say something to bring me down. If she saw I was making progress, she would try to hold me back.
Sometimes I’d hear about things she’d said behind my back. Or discover that she had been poisoning other people’s opinions about me. Even worse, I would find that she would tell others about my personal problems—things I’d discussed privately with her.
Obviously, I knew she wasn’t good for me. For a long time, I actually believed in her putdowns and thought there must be something wrong with me. But I tried very hard to rationalize her behavior because I cared about her.
I thought perhaps she hurt other people to lift her own spirits. Maybe she was just miserable and a lost soul herself. No matter what the reasons, I tried on many occasions to talk to her but her defenses would come up and she’d get angry.
In the end, I grew tired of her negativity, realized she was never going to change, shut her out of my life completely, and moved on.
Months, even years later, when mutual friends mentioned her name, my heart would jump and I’d relive the pain.
All the old questions such as “Why was she so angry toward me?” and “What did I do wrong?” would re-emerge and I would torture myself.
For a long time I was extremely bitter and angry about what had happened. I used to fantasize about all the things I would say to her face when I next bumped into her. I’d imagine how great it would feel to really speak my mind.
But then I saw the light. I realized that my former friend was suffering, just like we all are. I realized that she was unhappy.
It doesn’t matter how or why she was a bad friend. It matters that she wasn’t happy. It matters that I forgive. And it matters that I move on.
I also realized that if I continued to have negative feelings toward her, I would be poisoning myself and prolonging the suffering. I would be making myself unhappy when there really was no need to do it.
Today, I have forgiven my old friend. I am no longer angry or bitter toward her. I don’t take it personally when I still hear negative things she has said to mutual acquaintances. I don’t mind that she is still angry.
I only hope that she finds a way to make her life as positive and as amazing as possible. Don’t we wish that for all our friends?
Sadly, this issue of toxic friendships isn’t uncommon. I bet we all have people in our lives who leave us feeling miserable and drained of energy.
I also think that when we hang around with these characters, we hold ourselves back and increase our odds of becoming negative.
So what do we do? Do we abandon people if they’re bad for us? Or do we stick around to help them out?
The answer lies with the person in question. Only they can make the decision to become happy. It’s literally his or her choice, and no one else can force it.
In the meantime, all we can do is forgive them for their bad behavior and make ourselves happy by surrounding ourselves with positive people.
When we choose to associate with positive people, we tend to become happier and brighter and enjoy better lives.
But doesn’t this mean we give up on those negative friends? Surely, if we are to live a compassionate and kind-hearted life, shouldn’t we be there for them?
Maybe, if they acknowledge their bad behavior, apologize, and make an effort to change. Ultimately, we only want to let people in our lives if they’re prepared to be good friends.
In my case, I chose to move on. I have deliberately created a life that is full of interesting and positive people. My current friends are genuinely happy to see me happy.
They don’t get jealous if I’m successful; they encourage me. They don’t say horrible things about me behind my back; they say kind, loving things. They understand I’m not perfect and forgive me for my flaws. They make me laugh, and they enjoy seeing me happy.
This is what true friendship should be about.
If you choose to still hang around with bad friends, you can take comfort in the fact that they do make excellent teachers.
As the Dalai Lama said, “In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.” And Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.”
If you’re not ready to let go of an old friend who is bad for you, work hard to be there for them. Be patient and kind. Try to understand where they’re coming from.
If it becomes draining and their behaviors continue, it might be time to let go and move on. You wouldn’t wish to make any of your friends unhappy, so why harm yourself? Sometimes it’s better to understand that letting go is the only way.
When I think of my old friend, I hope that she is happy. Letting her go didn’t mean that I don’t care. It just means I want to be happy myself. That’s why it’s so important to forgive, love, and move on when you have to: We all deserve to be happy. We have the power to make it happen.
About Katy Cowan
Katy Cowan is an author, journalist, and marketing professional based in the UK. She runs her own digital agency in Manchester and during her spare time she loves to help other creatives via her creative industries magazine Creative Boom.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
This touches me at my core. I recently had to let go of an unhealthy and toxic relationship. I felt as if I was losing myself and possibly normalizing bad behavior. I tried to reconcile our differences so many times that was met with resistance, stubbornness and the silent treatment. I decided to choose me, my happiness, forgive him and myself to be free. I still have a place for him in my heart and I wonder how things could be if we could’ve found balance and compromise, but I cannot be the only one making the effort.
Great post! I realize sometimes its necessary to remove toxic, irreparable and negative relationships from your life to make room for inspiring and positive ones.
Katy, thank you for sharing this ~ it is sooo hard to let someone go that you care deeply for but that brings a steady dose of negativity and pain. Almost six months ago, I finally made this type of decision and it still saddens me because this friend’s name is also brought up often in work and friendship circles. I fluctuate between wishing him well and really wanting the best for him and other times hold anger for the horrific behavior that I was close to by choosing to be a friend. In the end, letting go was the best decision and I only hope that he knows somewhere in the airwaves out there that I do hope he can find happiness and find a way to treat those around him with more compassion.
Agree that personal growth does not always include the negative, or gossip lovers. When you make room for others, who knows what treasures the future will hold ?
Thanks Flowers. I hope your friend is happy too. None of us are perfect. One thing to bear in mind – which I’m sure you do – people can change for the better so I always try and take people at face value, i.e. without assuming they’ll be the same person as last time. Sometimes people who were once toxic can surprise you. 😀
What an excellent article Katy – I could relate to every single word of it. I think the bit I liked best was the fact that letting a bad friend go doesn’t mean we don’t care, it just means we’ve decided to put our own happiness first. That, ultimately, is why I have moved on from certain toxic friendships over the years. Hard lessons that hurt deeply, but I am grateful for them now. I must admit I still bristle when I hear things through mutual acquaintances but, like you, I can only hope these people are happy and have found peace in their lives. Thanks again for such an excellent article 🙂
Sometimes, it’s not about us – it’s about them. You shouldn’t take it personally if the other person is behaving badly. Sometimes it’s best to walk away and leave them to it… even though you want to stay and help – it’s sometimes the best way to deal with things. There’s only so much you can do, and there’s only so much you can take.
Yes, thank you for sharing. I started letting go of toxic relationships years ago & it was probably one of the best things I could ever do in my life. I sent this link to my friend because he has been struggling with an extremely toxic relationship for years.
Reading this made me realize I was a toxic friend to someone dear once. I never understood why she drifted away from me. Too bad I can’t repair the damage.
Thank you for the enlightenment!
My pleasure Philippa. You know, it’s never too late. You could always try to rekindle that friendship…
Thanks again – I think it’s the ultimate adult lesson… realising that you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to, and you certainly don’t have to hang around with people who make you miserable. I suppose one thing I missed was the fear of being able to make new friends… That’s one of the reasons why many of us hang onto bad friends. When in actual fact, it’s easy to make room for new friends. One should always be trying to meet new people as we change as people and our interests change too.
I hope it helps your friend Joe. I definitely think we all change our circle of friends as we learn this lesson. Today, I have such a diverse and interesting happy bunch of friends, from all age groups and backgrounds. I would say I’m lucky but I actually just made room for them and started doing more of the things I love – which led to meeting new people.
I felt so guilty letting this particular friend go, but it happened naturally in the end. There was no confrontation. No hurt or upset. She was too busy, I was too busy – and by the time she noticed, we’d both moved on. It’s sometimes far kinder to let things happen that way.
This is a great post. I recently let go of who I considered my best girlfriend. The relationship was toxic for me, but in a different way. After years of supporting her through some very bad situations due to her pretty poor decision making, she suddenly without warning turned her back on me and I have no idea why. Through the years I would listen to her complain and watch her hurt herself. It was very draining on my end, but I cared about her and stood by her through everything, when no one else was there. I was there for her when she was contemplating ending her life. I helped, supported, and accompanied her to her divorce lawyer to help her leave her abusive husband. I was there for every tear she shed when a man she loved treated her like dirt and left her. I was the only friend of hers to go to her father’s funeral. She’s had a tough life, but she also puts herself in such bad situations where she is bound to get hurt. Over and over I would listen….always hearing the same thing over and over again. Over and over again I would try and help her make healthy choices. It would hurt me to watch her do these things to herself, but I never turned my back on her. She recently cut all ties with me, out of the blue. I’ve tried to get her to talk to me without success, so I have stopped and have let her go. I’ve had to deal with toxic people before, but it’s easy to let them go when they mean nothing to you. This was different for me. This was my best friend. It hurts that she won’t give our friendship the respect that I would give it by at least giving an explanation. Thanks for listening xoxo
haha.. i so know the feeling of upset when you hear through the grapevine of their nasty comments.
i have a similar situation with a family member.. not only have i finally made the choice to let her go, but in doing that i had to also make the choice to avoid most family functions. i would like to see more articles about issues like this inside of families… because when their toxic manipulations and lies affect family relationships it is so very painful and that much more difficult to forgive.
I’d like to know….What do you do when you have a relationship like this with a family member.
Thank you for the great article. I’ve recently wrestled with the same situation, but in this case feel like I was the other party. It’s terrible when you have to act in ways to bring someone down below your level, but at the time it felt like a temporary fix. I felt like I didn’t have to change or worse, because feelings were involved, felt justified in managing emotions I wasn’t honest about. It’s tough being cut off but a necessary one in that I have to accept myself. Of course both parties weren’t innocent so I’m doing my best to understand things and move on. We are who we attract and who we want to be is who we are attracted to. Ergo, the fault we see in our friends and companions is the fault we see in ourselves.
me too!
wow.. my best friend of 35 years recently stopped talking to me with no explanation… i heard through the grapevine it was because she was hurt that I didn’t let her travel 850 miles for my fathers funeral.. it was a complicated situation i deserve to be able to explain to her but she wont let me.
Thanks Mungry_Soldier. It’s great that you’re trying to figure out what went wrong but don’t dwell on it. Be brutally honest with yourself, admit your mistakes and then make sure you learn from them. That way, the next time you make some new friends you won’t repeat them. Don’t be hard on yourself either – we’ve all been ‘the other party’. Trust me.
Reading this has really hit me. I have someone in my life that I continue to dwell on – will we ever really be friends again? Every time I see her, she just tortures me with giving me the silent treatment and then when we talk, she continually tells me how I ruined our friendship and seemingly pulls reasons out of a hat for what I did (things that I don’t remember happening, but I’ll let her see it how she wants.) This just truly opens my eyes that I have to forgive her, I understand that she is unhappy with herself and her life and that she chooses me and other friends to attack, to get this anger and aggression out on.
Thank you for helping me realize it’s time to let go and move on. I have to chose me and get away from the negativity polluting my life.
That’s a very difficult one. If it’s family, then you’re stuck with them. So you might as well do your best to make it work. ‘Kill them with kindness’ as my Nana used to say. Be patient and always keep in mind that their bad behaviour isn’t anything personal. Always ask yourself ‘why are they behaving this way?’ – it’ll help you to understand their motivations and better deal with them. If none of that works, limit the time you spend with them and keep things very neutral and nice when you’re with them. Stick to small talk and if the conversation is turning nasty, just change the subject, make your excuses and leave. If you want to confront the family member, simply say to them the next time they’re cruel ‘It really hurts my feelings when you say things like that…’ Or something along those lines. Hope that helps. Katy
That’s a shame. I wouldn’t avoid family functions. I would try hard to be kind and patient with the other person. No matter how badly they behave. I know it’s not easy but sometimes we have to do things we don’t like. It’s surprising how much a friendly face, smile and laid-back attitude can deal with difficult family members.
Sorry to hear that Jenny. There is nothing worse than losing a best girlfriend. It cuts your heart in two and is very painful – not something many people talk about but it does happen. I think perhaps your friend might be suffering from pride or embarrassment, i.e. you know too much about her past mistakes and maybe she associates those mistakes with you and wants to simply move as far away from her past as possible. In which case, it’s not personal. She’s trying to move on from harder times and unfortunately – because you know all about those times – she has cut you off as well. I might be completely wrong but this is just a guess. Always here to listen, x
I never even thought of looking at it this way. It’s nice to see another perspective. It’s making me cry…..thank you for your thoughts.
Hi Kristina – you’re not being a bad person for choosing to walk away. I would just become ‘busy’ as that’s a kinder way to let someone go. There’s no point in informing the other person that ‘things are over’. Just become ‘unavailable’ and the friendship will naturally die out.
It’s funny – I almost have a sub-conscious set of guidelines for new friends these days. If I get a whiff of negativity or any hint that they might be ‘hard work’, I don’t let the friendship develop. But if I find the other person interesting to talk to, if they make me laugh or if they do something I also like to do – like cycling for example – then I’m open to being their friend.
For me, friendships these days tend to happen naturally. I don’t force anything, I just see where things go. I don’t need friends as such. They’re just a happy bonus. As a result, my diary is always full, I’m always doing interesting things and I’m always laughing. I can’t tell you the last time I dealt with a toxic person because I can’t remember! 😀
Actually I disagree, I think it is kinder to be honest (kindly while not blaming and taking full emotional responsibility for the fact that no-one can make you “feel” anything). It is a funny thing that occurs in female friendships that often end unspoken, unlike sexual relationships where there tends to be more communication. The lack of honesty, which is really often an effort to avoid an uncomfortable or potentially painful conversation, can really hurt and push “rejection” buttons! I have been both at different times of my life (haven’t we all, if we are honest?). I certainly recognise how different I am in relationships and friendships now! It took a long time to get to that point.
Just remember – don’t torture yourself with the old questions like ‘what did I do wrong?’ You probably didn’t do anything wrong. You sound like a wonderful friend. It’s her problem, and nothing to do with you. So don’t be hurt – let’s just hope she’s ok and works things out x
I think it completely depends on the situation and friendship. In my case, it was far kinder to just let it naturally come to an end. After all, what would I achieve by confronting her and saying ‘I don’t want to be your friend anymore!’ It’s not as easy as that. And she wasn’t exactly the easiest person to deal with.
The thing is… if she came to me and asked me why haven’t you called? I would be very kind and simply say ‘Because life just gets in the way and I’ve been so busy with work’. I truly would.
I don’t think it’s avoidance or a lack of honesty. I think you have to ask what you’d achieve by talking about the reasons for moving on. You’d just cause more upset in the end. I’d rather my former friend just assumed I’d become busy and that we’d moved on.
Sorry to hear that Julie. I feel conflicted on whether or not to leave a door open for her. It’s not as if she was ever mean or demeaning to me like others are talking about. She was always a huge support for me as I was for her. I just don’t know what I did. So, I have walked away from trying to get her to talk to me, but if she does reach out the next time she’s going through something……….do I go back to all that negativity and watching her hurt herself, or do i make this clean cut for good? I hope you get your explanation and some resolve. maybe there is a much bigger issue going on with your friend. xo
Well I think this is an entirely different situation. This is where someone has ‘dumped’ you without giving you the chance to patch things up. And it does sound unreasonable. What a shame that she hasn’t given you the chance to talk about it. It’s silly when this happens.
In my case, I put up with five years of toxic friendship where I was constantly being mistreated, put down and made to feel miserable. I clung onto that friendship because I cared about the other person and we did share some good times.
I suppose I had to let go because it was for my own good. In my case, I didn’t need to explain why we’d drifted apart. I guess it just naturally happened.
I would always leave the door open. But I would move on by forgiving your friend and accepting that she’s doing her own thing right now. I wouldn’t take it personally. I would just focus on making yourself happy by making some new friends and taking up some new interests. Be open to meeting new people and start to ask yourself this… ‘Who am I and what do I want from my friendships?’ Because you know what, we all change over time – it’s a natural thing to change and move on from certain friendships. It just happens. Once you’ve figured out who you are and what you want from friendships, you’ll suddenly find yourself surrounded by lots of nice, happy people.
Most of all – you should never force anything. If a friendship or relationship isn’t working, then stop trying to force it to work. In this case, your friend has her mind elsewhere right now. She might become a friend again in future – if that naturally happens. But for now, just let whatever naturally happens, happen. x
Thank you, this really helps give me direction. Since this has happened I’ve already met 2 new friends who are very upbeat with sunny personalities, with good heads on their shoulders! I’ve also been spending more time with old friends. Thank you. <3
Sometimes, all it takes is for someone else to say ‘Hey.. it’s ok – this is quite normal, you’ve done nothing wrong, go be happy!’ And everything sorts itself out doesn’t it! This is why I love communities like these! 😀 My pleasure. Take care 🙂
Katy, this was a great column. Especially the comments and answer about family members. And one other difficult dimension is “breaking up” with someone who was a friend or was becoming one. That question of “what happened” can leave the other person at an uncomfortable loss or hurt. How do you easily and blamelessly disengage from the relationship? Any thoughts
Amazing how things happen at just the right time : ) After reading this I felt such a sense of calm come over me. A very welcoming feeling after a whirlwind of emotions today. Grateful.
I’ve got a close friend that I’ve known for 15 years, we grew up together & she’s always been self centred and selfish but I expected her to grow out of it as she grew up, I feel disappointed in her as she’s treated people badly recently, I don’t feel like she cares when she asks how a situation I’m in is, she just wants the gossip. I want to distance myself completely but I know she will bad mouth me to people who’s opinions matter & say I’ve gone weird. I do also feel bad after being friends for so long, seems a shame to end that now, I just don’t know the best way to handle it? x
i can relate my ex boyfriend who i was madly in love with was toxic to my soul as well as the few people in his life. I realize they would call me names talk behind my back, so bad for my whole being. I let them go and hope they can learn to love themselves and not feed into that drama. co- dependency and putting one down. Great artical
I agree with Lilla. Wouldn’t it be more honest to simply tell her that she is not giving you what you need from a friendship? I frequently get the too busy with work/life/etc answer from friends. Should I assume that these friends are really trying to distance themselves but won’t tell me so or should I assume they are telling me the truth and they are just busy? How would I know the difference? Not everyone is self-aware enough to know the effect of their behavior on others. If you truly want your friend to move on and be happy, shouldn’t you be honest with her so she can learn? Maybe she won’t take the lesson to heart, but shouldn’t you at least give her that chance?
Totally understand your reasons for wanting to hang on – you feel as though you’ve ‘put in’ all those years and it would be a shame to waste all that effort. Or.. you could look at it from a different perspective, i.e. do you want to waste anymore precious time on someone who treats you badly?
Also – you say that you worry she’ll badmouth you if you distance yourself. This shows you’re worried about what other people think. It’s very difficult but you have to stop caring. Don’t – by all means – turn into someone who’s catty or nasty. Just be really civil with this friend but don’t make the effort anymore. Don’t call her, don’t email, don’t tweet. Just take a step back. And if she contacts you – be nice, be genuinely nice. Say ‘Hey.. how you doing? What’ve you been up to?’ Forget all the past and just treat her on face value. If she asks where you’ve been or complains she hasn’t seen you for a while, say ‘I know, I’ve been so rubbish – sorry but life has been really busy lately.’ And leave it at that. Turn her into a friendly acquaintance – someone who isn’t really a friend but someone you can still be friendly with.
Remember, you can move away from friends amicably. You don’t have to fall out with anyone or be mean. Just gently and kindly let them go. One day, you’ll wonder what the fuss was about. x
Hi dfree – it’s quite simple. Just stop making an effort. This doesn’t make you heartless or nasty. You simply take a step back. If a relationship is meant to happen, it’ll happen naturally anyway, i.e. you’ll want to pick up the phone and speak to that person because it feels natural and the right thing to do. If you’re having to force yourself to call that person, it’s probably because they’re not right for you… Or it’s a pretty good indication that something isn’t right.
I wonder… we know what suits us when it comes to clothes. So why do we feel so bad about changing our social circles? People are like clothes. We try them on, some suit us… some don’t. Some are classics that’ll stay with us forever. Others might be like a gorgeous old pair of jeans that we hardly ever wear but sometimes they’ll come out of the back of the wardrobe for a night on the town. Or there are those dodgy clothes that once looked good on us but just don’t fit or feel right anymore.
It’s nothing to feel bad about. People move on. And there is only so much room for a certain number of friends in one’s life. So make sure you fill it with people who make you think, laugh and smile. People who are just positive and happy to be around.
If there is someone in your life that you’ve outgrown, it’s time to make room for people who improve your life.
Thanks – I hope you’re ok and get sorted 🙂
I’ve been there. It’s not nice. You wonder what you did wrong. How you could’ve done things differently. If you should change as a person. Then you realise that it’s their problem, not yours. For all the negative people we come across, they always teach us a valuable lesson. And they always lead to a happier social circle as we learn to avoid certain characters and instead fill our lives with the type of people we really want to be, and be with.
I think the thing is we have been conditioned from children to lie to others, because we have learnt that being honest means hurting other people. We all do it. But actually, the opposite is true. I find I usually can sense if someone is not being upfront and I really value the honesty. I’m practising being more honest myself with the people in my life now. Little things – like not giving an excuse if I don’t want to go to something but rather just saying, thanks but it is not my thing.
I think it’s important to consider the situation you’re in and do what you think is right. I can only offer my own thoughts on what happened to me and I truly believe, in this case, it was far kinder to let things go. I’ve since bumped into said friend and I’ve been genuinely happy to see her, always say hello and ask how she’s doing… It’s kind of like turning a friend into an acquaintance. That’s how you’ve got to look at it. It’s just gently letting go and moving on. It’s not dumping someone as such – it’s just taking a step back from making an effort.
I would never take it personally if other friends told me they were busy or we stopped hanging around. I wouldn’t demand an explanation – that’s just not my style. I would just assume the relationship had naturally come to an end or things had changed. I wouldn’t think more deeply than that to be honest. But then I’m pretty laid-back about these things.
I think you would enjoy The Four Agreements. It’s a great book – just look it up on Amazon. Thanks 🙂
Sometimes being honest can cause more hurt and upset than if you simply let things slide. It could cause bad feeling with said friend, especially if there’s a group surrounding that friend and you want to remain part of that circle. It can just make things worse and reflect badly on you.
Being diplomatic is a good way of looking at things. Because essentially, do you really want to say to someone ‘I don’t like you anymore because…’ and then list all the reasons. It can only back-fire.
Sometimes what we think is morally right has to be overlooked. For instance, it might seem positive to be honest but it won’t necessarily result in a positive outcome.
That completely makes sense, thank you x
What about when the friend is in your friendship group. This is a problem my mum has. The friendship is very toxic, but my mum must see this woman regularly as the whole group gets together and the woman’s husband is my dad’s best friend. She puts up with it, and acts nicely but as soon as she is home complains about her. I don’t like seeing her unhappy or stressed, but can’t exactly tell her to just avoid her..
I let go of a relationship just like the one you described…it was tough letting go, but I knew that the friendship was quite toxic to my whole being. I have moved one and forgiven her. But there are those times when she is mentioned and the memories rush back like a movie reel. It will take time to truly forgive her completely.
Dear Katy, Do you know me ?? or Did I share things about me ?? These thoughts were running in my mind while reading this amazing article… Felt like as if it was me who is writing this..I went through the same and not even once ..many times! and Nature plus God helped me and I always win with a positive attitude while moving on. I give my best to the relations I have and somehow deep within there is a voice – If they don’t value you ..Move On! Not worth to stay …There are so many good and special frens who know your worth and value your happiness :). But Katy…what if few of them gave you unconditional love and is now angry ..not ready to listen even after begging and crying. Reason… that I didn’t share about my personal stuffs. I have asked forgiveness from God cause they were hurt 🙁 cause of me..but I always pray for their happiness. Anways.God bless you Katy ! Thank you so much for making me feel better
This has happened to me so many times. So many times I was there with a friend, or a love, through the worst of times. But then they associated me with those times, and put me behind them as if I was part of the bad- instead of seeing me as a bit of good that helped them get through it. It hurts. I find peace in knowing that I was with them through the hard times because I cared, and even if I would have known that they would only abandon me when things got better, I wouldn’t have acted any differently. It sucks though, it really really sucks. It’s not fair. I even wonder if I was used, like a life-raft that just happened to be floating by. But I’ve been through hard times myself, I know how the aftermath can be confusing to navigate, even when things get better. It’s really hard not to take personally though.