Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Hannah Braime

This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

Today’s featured contributor is blogger and life coach Hannah Braime. Formerly self-destructive and dependent on external validation and achievement, she turned her life around by embracing authenticity and spending her time doing things that bring her whole-hearted joy.

In her contribution for the book, she explores why we so often find it hard to do things that are good for us—and how we can work with our resistance, not against it.

A little more about Hannah… 

1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

My name is Hannah and I run Becoming Who You Are, the guide to authentic living. I created BWYA in 2010 as a way to process my thoughts and feelings about different personal development material I was reading at the time. Now, I’m passionate about providing tools and resources for people who are creating the lives they want from the inside out.

My journey into self-love has been long and rocky. I experienced many years of crippling self-doubt, a vocal inner critic, and a general sense of not being good enough in any way, shape, or form. During that time, I struggled with self-harm, addiction, and depression. At one point in 2007, I even considered suicide as a viable option for escaping myself and my life.

Coming out of that dark time was a huge turning point for me. For the first time, I decided to put my well-being first.

I started therapy, disengaged from toxic and dysfunctional relationships, and started devouring personal development books and resources. I learned about internal dialogue, Non-Violent Communication, and dedicated time, energy, and resources to nurturing my self-care, inside and out.

Right now, I’m happy, healthy, and have never been more satisfied with the adventurous life I’m creating.

2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

One of the most challenging thought patterns I’ve wrestled with, and still have to watch, is the “If only…then things would be different” fallacy. This typically goes something like: “If only I was skinnier/had different clothes/was better at X/had more money/etc., then things would be different.”

This used to be a perpetual thought for me, and I approached life from the default position that I wasn’t enough and needed to change.

Through therapy and counseling, I found that a lot of the negative beliefs I had about myself weren’t really mine—no one is born believing they are somehow inherently flawed or lacking. I had internalized a lack of acceptance I felt from people around me and turned that on myself.

When I was able to examine these beliefs and their origins, I could see them for what they really were, without automatically accepting them as hard truth or acting on them. I also came to realize that I was now responsible for re-inflicting this lack of acceptance on myself and, therefore, I alone was responsible for changing that.

3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

One of the biggest “flaws” I’ve come to realize, that other people actually appreciate, is my introversion. I used to believe that, in order for people to like me, I had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t, and I carried this belief for years until I met my partner.

He introduced me to the Myers-Briggs personality types and it literally changed the way I perceived myself overnight. I’m not pro-labeling and I can appreciate why some people don’t like being put in a personality-shaped box, but recognizing myself as an introvert increased my self-acceptance tenfold.

Once my self-acceptance in this area increased, I was more open to seeing other people’s appreciation of it. My partner, who identifies as an extrovert, has expressed a lot of appreciation for the way I process the world around me, especially because it’s so different to his own.

Equally, friends and clients have commented on my listening and reflective skills, as well as my self-awareness and level of introspection. Before, I was so mired in self-doubt and the idea that I needed to be different around other people, I was closed off to this kind of feedback.

4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

While I was at university, I got back together with an ex-boyfriend who owed me a lot of money—not because I loved him, but because I was broke. We moved back in together and, unsurprisingly, it was a disaster. The end of the relationship was traumatic, there was a lot of drama, and he never paid me back.

I felt embarrassed and ashamed for being dishonest about my motivations for reuniting with him and judged myself harshly for not acting with integrity.

What helped me forgive myself for this was thinking about my choice from a place of compassion, rather than criticism. In particular, I thought about how I’d feel if a friend was telling me this story, and that helped me connect to the empathy that I was struggling to feel for myself.

5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

…trust that their absence leaves room in my life for people who do.

6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

Hmm, what areas haven’t I compared myself to others?! When I was younger, I didn’t really feel like I fit in anywhere and comparing myself to other people became my barometer for judging whether I was “normal” or not. Therefore, I’ve probably compared myself to other people in pretty much every area at some point or another.

Self-acceptance has been instrumental in letting go of these comparisons. Once I started feeling inherently okay as myself, what other people were doing stopped mattering so much. When I find myself comparing now, it’s usually because I’m struggling to accept myself in one way or another.

7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

You have everything you need; the right people will complement that.

8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

Yes, mainly for the reasons I mentioned above. Therapy, personal development, and journaling have all helped me move beyond that, as has remembering that it’s a day-by-day process.

When I first started my self-love journey, I thought the end goal was to be 100% authentic in every situation. Over time, I’ve come to realize that’s not the goal for me; what’s more important is for me to accept myself as I am, including the fact that I might still struggle to show my “real” self from time to time. When I accept that, it becomes a lot easier to be real.

9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

• Get enough sleep: It’s the single thing that’s made the biggest difference to my quality of life.
• Journal: It helps me process the world and my experiences
• Exercise: I feel a lot better, physically and mentally, when I make time to be active.

10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

I feel proud of my website. Although the Internet is crowded, climbing onto the digital soapbox and sharing my thoughts and opinions feels like a very vulnerable thing to do at times.

I also find it easy to convince myself that I’m not really sharing anything that people don’t already know, so when I receive an email from someone who has had a “click” moment or feels inspired by something they’ve read on Becoming Who You Are, it’s incredibly rewarding.

Even if there’s just one person who can take away something that resonates, that they can use to be more real with themselves and the world around them, then it’s worth the time and energy.

*Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

See more posts