“When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.” ~Helen Keller
Years ago, a friend had a small party for her son’s fifth birthday. I was expecting to spend most of the party talking to the other adults. But that’s not what happened. Instead, at the insistence of my friend’s son, I spent most of the party entertaining him and the other children.
Occasionally, I would escape to the living room to talk to the other adults. But before long my friend’s son would emerge from his bedroom and drag me back to play with him and the other kids.
The truth is that I didn’t mind. In fact, I actually enjoyed the attention. And what happened at the birthday party has been the story of my life. Kids have always been drawn to me, and vice versa.
Children draw out parts of my personality that adults rarely see: my silly side, my creative side, my playful side. I’m an expert at improvising engaging games and activities for children. And of course, I always join in the fun!
And yet, despite the natural affinity that I have for children, for most of my adult life I’ve been indifferent to having my own kids. I’ve seen firsthand from family members and from friends how much responsibility children are. And the truth is that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take on that responsibility.
My feelings toward having children changed as I got older and entered my forties. I realized that I really did want to start a family and that having a child was my most important goal.
Unfortunately, I have reached a point where I seriously doubt that I will ever achieve my goal of having a child. My forty-seventh birthday is rapidly approaching. And my wife will soon turn thirty-nine.
Granted, we could still become parents. The truth, though, is that I have reservations about having a child at my age, knowing that I’d be responsible for caring for someone into at least my mid sixties. And I worry about what would happen to my child if I were to die when they were still young.
And so I am slowly accepting that I’ll never be a father, that I’ll never hold my child in my arms.
I’m accepting that I’ll never hear my child’s first words, never see them take their first steps.
I’m accepting that I’ll never get to take them to the park, never get to help them with their homework, never get to hold them when they’re going through a tough time.
Chances are, you’re in a position similar to me. Chances are you too need to accept that you’ll never achieve a particular goal or dream that was important to you.
Maybe you also need to accept that you’ll never have a child.
Or perhaps you had a relationship end and you keep chasing after the other person even though they’ve made it clear that the relationship is over.
Or maybe there was a career goal that you haven’t been able to achieve due to a physical limitation.
Or perhaps your dream was something else entirely—a financial goal, or a travel goal, or a personal growth goal.
Whatever your situation is, I encourage you to consider what you have to gain from accepting that you may never be able to achieve your dream. Continuing to try to change situations that are outside of our control can lead to anger and bitterness, as well as wasted time and energy.
Meanwhile, learning to accept that we may not achieve some of our goals and dreams has the potential to bring us great freedom. Acceptance frees up our emotional energy and allows us to refocus our time and energy on dreams and goals that are still achievable.
We can and should do our best to go after our goals and dreams. But we need to do so in the spirit of understanding that we may never achieve them. The hard truth is that much of what happens in life is outside of our control, and all we can do is put forth our best effort.
Pursuing our dreams is important. But so is knowing when to step away from one dream and move on to another one.
If you’re ready to step away from one dream in order to free your heart to pursue a new dream, then here are several techniques that can help:
Have a letting go ceremony.
Schedule a time and place where you will hold a ceremony dedicated to accepting the end of your dream. This might involve lighting candles, saying prayers or meditating, or burning an object that symbolizes your dream. You might even invite certain family members or friends to participate in the ceremony with you.
Focus on gratitude.
Even though you weren’t able to achieve an important goal or dream, you still have much to be grateful for. Keep a regular gratitude journal and continually remind yourself of all the wonderful things in your life. Most importantly, focus your gratitude energy on all the new dreams and opportunities that you now have the time and energy to pursue.
Learn to be compassionate with yourself.
Often, when we’re unable to achieve something that’s important to us, we blame ourselves for our failures instead of understanding that much of what happens in life is outside of our control. Set aside a small amount of time every day for prayer or meditation. During this time, focus your energy both on accepting that you did the best you could under whatever circumstances you faced and that it’s time to let go of your dream.
Use a mantra.
Develop a mantra that you can silently repeat whenever you need to. For example, if you find yourself ruminating over your inability to achieve your dream, you can close your eyes and repeat a simple phrase such as: “I let go and accept.” The key is to use something simple that resonates with you personally.
Learning to accept that you won’t achieve your goal or dream takes time. If you’re committed to the path of acceptance, then be prepared to learn to accept over and over and over again. Meanwhile, the value of what you can gain from acceptance is immeasurable: peace of mind, an open heart, and renewed energy to pursue new goals and dreams.
I am learning to accept that I will never become a father. And new doors and new opportunities are opening up around me.
I suggest that you try the same with your goals and dreams that are now outside of your reach, instead of continuing to push against a closed door or holding onto the past. Accept, let go, and walk through one of the new doors that has opened up for you.
Photo by Camdiluv
About Ed Herzog
Ed Herzog is a life coach whose mission is to help people discover an authentic career path – one that allows them to use their talents and passions to make a positive contribution to the world. If you’re searching for an authentic career path, you can start today by downloading his FREE guide: 10 Powerful Questions For Discovering Your Life Purpose.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Great post Ed! I think the end of a dream should be dealt with the same way we deal with any other important loss, by going through a grieving process and slowly moving to acceptance. I’m still trying to learn how to let go of the outcomes of my actions and just focus on doing my best every day. Thanks!
I decided not to have children for many of the reasons you mentioned. And like you, I love kiddoes. Even did a stint with Teach For America a few years ago teaching first grade. I knew I might experience regrets, but never did until very recently. Your honest essay is just what I needed to remind myself not to waste any of the time I have left with empty feelings. You know, it’s easy to idealize the path not taken, the goal not achieved. It’s good to trust that we made the decisions we did for the right reasons. And then go find some littles who want to fly kites or play tag, right?
Thanks Valentina! Honestly, I agree that doing your best is important. We have little control over the outcomes of our actions but we do have control over where we focus our energy and whether or not we try our best.
Thanks for your comment Amy! I agree that it can be difficult to let things go but sometimes that’s for the best. And as you noted, there are always alternatives. Maybe you can’t fulfill a dream completely but you also have the option to do something similar.
Hi Ed, I feel sad for you but also joyful! Weird thing. It seems you’ve made your decision not to have children. I can’t imagine what that must be like, particularly when you clearly have such a love of children. Courage is the only word I can think of that describes it. Your method of dealing with it has clearly worked for you. I detect a little something in your message that suggests you are 99% certain but that there is still a little something there at that back of your mind, nagging. Ed, you are as old as you feel. I’m not suggesting you should reconsider but I can’t help feeling a little sad because I’m guessing you’d be a great dad. 🙂
Sorry if I’ve put a spanner in the works. Mike
Hi Ed,
I enjoyed your article. Acceptance and letting go can be difficult at times. In my case, I am still working on accepting the fact that the relationship I had with my ex is gone. And after 3 months of breakup, letting go of memories and shattered dreams are still a struggle. I guess its because I had this mindset of always striving to get what I wanted. Like you said, we really don’t have much control of our lives.
Acceptance and letting go are constant process. Any tips to cultivate them daily ?
I’m in the same boat. It’s been three months since my relationship ended too, and I didn’t realize until after it was over that I have with not being able to let go of something that was already failing. Each day my mind recalls different memories that still affect me so greatly. It’s hard for me to even have an appetite, but while there hasn’t been a solid linear improvement in myself, I know that healing has been an upward trend at least. I hope it is for you too.
Thanks Angela. Healing has been happening slowly for me as well. Memories continue to be painful but slowly losing its sting to.
Its sad how people think that by 3 months one should get over someone. People will ask me if I am dating someone now since its been 3 months. Like there’s something wrong with me for grieving for that long.
However, this time I have decided not to follow that path and be alone for some time.
You brought a tear to my eye as I have so much identification with you, not that I haven’t experienced children in my life, but after separating from my partner I have not seen them in 15 years. It has been15 years of dreaming of what you have expressed so lovely yourself.
Thank you, Sean.
I do agree. I accept your decision you don´t wanna have children but in my opinion there was no reason back then other than your own decision that you don´t want to have children not to get chrildren…
There is no way to change your past but there are many ways to influence your current you or future. So i do believe a man in your age could have had children. All sorrows are just anticipations of what could probably happen but then you can´t have a relationship if you are scared someone will be hurt if you get hurt. That´s life.
Great post, as always, Ed. Sometimes the path of pursuing my dreams gave me a new focus and showed me that what I wanted changed or was available in ways I didn’t expect. I am always open to new ideas and avenues the universe reveals as I travel towards my dreams. Every yogi should be flexible that way!
Hi Ed, what an interesting and insightful post.
I’m realising what an extremely privileged position I’m in, though many years ago it didn’t feel like it!
Motherhood was thrust upon me at a very early age (my eldest daughter will be 40 in August!) which had many disadvantages at the time – though conversely also a surprising amount of advantages heaps of which I’m discovering more of in my late fifties. There’s times I reflect on my decisions and wonder whether I would have ever chosen to have children had I sat and thought about it intensely, as you seem to have. Being a young mum actually inspired me greatly to follow my dreams, and prove I wasn’t just ‘a teenage mum’ (it’s quite a judgement/label for young mums still, strangely not for young dads!), and I believe has increased my happiness and ‘success’ in life immeasurably.
There’s no right or wrong, good or bad, but thinking makes it so as Shakespeare postulated. And there’s many ways to be a ‘father’, and provide that paternal support, without needing to have a biological child. Sounds like you discover some of these ways and your inner child to boot!
Carpe diem 😉
Great article, good points to ponder. I’m learning to ‘let go’ not of anything so specific, but more about letting go of my expectations for people. I seem to always eventually feel disappointed in people and in my relationships. I just find that within 99% of every human is a sort of competitive/adversarial streak of hostility. Even those who don’t seem like they have those qualities will eventually display them if you stick around long enough to see it. Yet I feel that we are all (most ) driven by the desire to be social and to have relationships with other humans but in our hopes/dreams of having friends and relations, this dark quality is never considered. Time and time again our desire for friends, relatives, mates, is thwarted by this dark quality within human nature.
Perhaps letting go of the belief that other humans can fill the void in our lives in truly the answer. I’m trying to reprogram my though process in a way that simply changes my expectations regarding human relations. At 43, I have to come to the logical realization that no human relationship will ever be what I think it will be, and it will never bring the level of satisfaction that my idealistic self believes. This is kind of a sad realization for me and it leaves an empty feeling in my heart. The question I ask myself is what can I fill that void with? Many fill it with booze, drugs, emotional turmoil, having child after child, etc, etc ad infinitum. But I have to believe that either the void must be filled with something real, or the void itself can be eliminated through practice/meditation/spiritual belief.
Hi Chris – Sorry to hear about your relationships challenges. Certainly us humans can be very complicated!
I wonder though….maybe there’s something else you can let go of. Maybe something like letting go of the desire that people act and behave in a certain way? Just a thought…
BTW, a book that might be of benefit to you is David Richo’s The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them. One of the “five things” is “People are not loyal and loving all the time”.
Peace,
Ed
Thanks Sandra! Enjoyed learning a bit about your journey. 🙂
And I definitely agree. There’s no right or wrong or good or bad. The problem is when we insist that life has to be a certain way in order for us to be happy.
Thanks Rica! I agree that openness is important. When we insist that life has to be a certain way, that’s when the problems start… 🙂
Wow, I’m truly sorry to hear that Sean. Honestly, I’m not sure what’s worse…never being able to experience parenthood or not being able to see your children for 15 years. My guess is the latter. I hope you can find some peace my friend and that one day you’ll get to see your children again.
Hi Brav3 – Sorry just seeing your comment today. Having a relationship end is definitely difficult, particularly if it wasn’t your choice. At the end of the article, I have some tips for how you might cultivate acceptance and letting go.
With a relationship though, I think the most important thing might be to ask yourself “Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t appreciate me for who I am and who doesn’t see how wonderful I am?”. Of course, I don’t know a lot about your situation, so those particular words may or may not fit for you. Beyond that, just recognize that acceptance takes time, it’s not a straight line, you will likely have good days and bad days, and that feeling bad is part of the grieving process.
Hope that helps! Sending you positive thoughts!!!
Hi Angela – Thanks for sharing your words. I agree that acceptance isn’t a linear process. Acceptance takes time and it’s something that you have to practice over and over and over again.
Namaste!
Ed
Sorry that people have been pressuring you that way. Healing takes time and only you can decided how much time you need! And often being alone is the best path that someone can take.
Hi Mike –
The challenge of a blog post is that you can’t discuss everything. There are a lots of things re: the issue of not having a child that I didn’t mention, partially due to lack of space, partially for personal reasons. 🙂
Anyway, at the end of the day, none of us gets even close to 100% of what we want in life. Life is a process of continual letting go. And through the letting go, we open up and become more fully human!
Keep smiling Ed. You seem to be good at that. 🙂
Thanks for this post, it did resonate with me. I do have kids but I have been unable to continue down many other paths due to personal limitations. I was talking to a single childless colleague who feels it’s now unlikely that he will meet someone and have a family. It made me think that we can’t have two opposing benefits in our lives. There are many joys and benefits to being single and childless just as there are to having a partner and children. But you cannot have both: You cannot be both single AND partnered; my colleague has a flexibility and freedom in his life which as a parent, I will never have again. (You are a parent till the day you die, even when they are grown!) My colleague and I discussed all the benefits of his life situation which I envied and vice versa. We concluded that his situation was not one of ‘lack’ but one of having a different portfolio of joys, experiences and opportunities.
Now I try to focus on what I HAVE and what I choose to DO rather than missed opportunities. And if I still feel something’s missing and I CAN still work towards it, I make a plan to do it. If the ship has sailed or sunk, wave it goodbye and see what treasures it has left on the dock.
I wish you serenity.
Hi,
I have just stumbled onto your page and I just wanted to say that everything you have said makes sense. I am currently in a relationship which I feel is going to end very soon, I do not want to let go yet I will have no choice. Looking back at my previous relationships with friends and partners when it comes to the end I have always struggled to let go. I tell myself it wasn’t meant to be yet part of me clings onto hope that it could be different, things might change I may be able to fix the relationship. This part of myself is in denial and makes the mourning time drag on and on till I can’t see any doors open up, only the deep sadness I feel. I don’t know why I am like this. But I really want to change. It was nice to read your post about letting go of what you can’t change, I found it relatable. Thank you.