“Look for something positive each day, even if some days you have to look a little harder.” ~Unknown
This weekend I hurt more than I have in a very long time.
It all started on Friday, when my boyfriend and I headed out to spend the weekend with friends—two couples, both with babies in tow.
I’ve been trying, unsuccessfully, to get pregnant since the start of the year, yet I didn’t anticipate that it would be emotionally taxing for me to be around two little families. I was just excited to see our friends, who live in the Bay Area, hours away from our home near LA.
A little backstory: I’m less than three weeks away from my thirty-ninth birthday, which means I’m now in the category of “high-risk pregnancy,” if I’m even able to get pregnant at all.
My boyfriend and I first discussed having a baby five years ago, but we kept pushing it off because our families live on opposite coasts, and neither of us was able to agree to live on the other’s coast full-time for the long term.
We finally decided, at the beginning of this year, that I would be the one to visit my family—as often as I feel I need to, with our kid(s), for the foreseeable future—and we’d commit to staying in LA, which makes sense since we’re working toward a career in film.
But biology doesn’t just fall in line because you finally get over your fears and decide to make a compromise. We’re both open to the idea of adoption, but there are other personal issues—that my fiercely private boyfriend would not want disclosed—that have complicated matters.
So there I was on Friday with our friends and their adorable babies—one actually a toddler, since he recently turned two.
We toasted our get-together around 5:00 with our first glass of wine, and the wine continued flowing throughout dinner. After, we all moved to the deck to partake in an at-home wine tasting.
The ladies and I discussed my road to pregnancy, and though I was discouraged, for the most part I was fine—until I wasn’t.
Having lost track of the amount of wine I was drinking, I eventually hit that emotional place I remember from my younger years, when alcohol eventually led to histrionics and tears. It is literally a depressant, after all, and generally not great to imbibe when you’re already feeling fragile.
I don’t remember all the details of that night, but I know I cried about my fears about not being able to have a family (which, as I mentioned, is an issue complicated by many factors).
I woke up at 4:00 in the morning and picked a fight with my boyfriend about our relationship. Then I woke at 8:00 with two things: a hangover and a shame-over. I was absolutely mortified.
I’d gotten drunk, turned a fun night with friends into something heavy and emotional, and had caused my boyfriend a lot of pain and embarrassment. It gave me a little comfort to realize everyone had drunk too much. But I still felt deeply ashamed of having lost control.
Ironically, I received an email that morning that I’d been waiting on for almost a month. My film mentor had just read the second draft of my first feature screenplay, and she said she was blown away by the massive improvement from the first draft.
I had never in my life simultaneously felt immense pride and deep shame, but I did right then.
Fortunately, the friend I cried to was extremely kind and empathetic. And no one judged me or put me down, as good friends never do.
But that day was pretty rough for me, physically and emotionally. And the next day, it got worse.
That night I noticed that a few people had commented on a meme I’d shared on Friday, using clipart with a hyper-sexualized female silhouette. They mentioned that it was demeaning to women to use what essentially appeared to be Barbie to represent the female form. One person called it “offensive.”
Though there were only a few critical comments, juxtaposed against 12,000 shares, I immediately realized I agreed with them. As someone who once struggled with an eating disorder, I’d like to represent women as more than a busty, high-ponytailed caricature.
This didn’t fully or accurately represent my values or the message I’d like to convey. And I didn’t like the idea of young girls seeing it and concluding, as I may have as an adolescent, that this was what a woman is supposed to look like, even if some women actually look like this. So I decided to take it down.
With a mind still foggy I decided to write something on Facebook, as I wanted the community to know I felt I’d made an error in judgment. I didn’t want to just delete it. I want to make it clear I don’t agree with a society that puts pressure on women to be femme bots and suggests that our sexuality is our most valuable contribution.
I mentioned in my post that some people had pointed out that the image was offensive, and I agreed that it was triggering—and the backlash was swift and harsh.
In retrospect, I don’t think I accurately communicated why I decided to remove this image, since I didn’t address the cultural issue of how women are portrayed in the media and the fact that I’d like to be part of the solution, not the problem. But I’m not sure it would have mattered if I did, since I’d used the word “offensive.”
I forgot that people often get offended by other people getting offended.
Over the next day, hundreds of comments came in, many attacking me on a personal level.
People called me spineless for catering to “snowflakes.” People said they lost respect for me and questioned my aptitude for even doing the work I do, since I clearly have no sense of conviction or belief in my own decisions. Even more alarming, many people mocked the idea of being “triggered,” and essentially belittled anyone with emotional or mental health issues.
I felt misunderstood, judged, and condescended.
I hid or deleted many of the worst comments and resisted the urge to defend myself, deciding instead to leave one clarifying comment a couple hours in. But I’m not going to lie; this affected me deeply.
While on the one hand, I reminded myself that my power was in my response, and publicly, I only responded in one calm, clear comment, I also obsessively monitored the feed.
By this time my boyfriend and I were at his parents’ house in Nevada, where we planned to stay for a few days, and I wasn’t even close to present. I didn’t want to delete this new post, since I believed I’d done the right thing, but it pained me to see so much vitriol in a space that I hold sacred.
Then came another blow: I’d noticed a while back that since the start of the year, someone had been sharing every single challenge from my book Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges on Facebook. Though this person tagged my page, none of the posts included the book’s title or a link—and some people actually assumed she was writing these posts or getting them from my Facebook page.
I’d emailed my publisher a few weeks back to ask their thoughts on this, and they told me they could send an email asking her to stop. At the time, this seemed warranted.
Her Facebook friends didn’t see it that way. After she posted the letter from my publisher’s legal department, tagging my page, once again, the comments turned nasty.
F— you, Tiny Buddha.
You suck, Tiny Buddha.
More like “Greedy Buddha.”
Unbelievable! She should thank you for the free marketing!
For a while, I felt completely numb. And I knew I was doing the “wrong” things by obsessively monitoring my phone and letting these comments get to me.
I knew it wasn’t serving me to dwell in my self-righteousness and how wrong I believed it was for this woman, who enjoyed my work enough to share it, to like comments that attacked me on a personal level. But I did it anyways.
I was angry with the people who were angry. I was triggered by the people who were triggered.
And then something occurred to me: This whole weekend was an opportunity. It was a chance to practice some of the lessons that are much easier to practice when everything is going well.
This weekend was a chance to remember that:
I need compassion most when I think I deserve it the least.
Initially, I beat myself up over several things this weekend: drinking to excess, exploding emotionally, hurting my boyfriend, choosing clipart that I wished I hadn’t chosen, letting my publisher speak for me instead of reaching out to the woman personally, and obsessing over the various challenges I was facing instead of being present.
I told myself I shouldn’t have made any of those mistakes. I should have been beyond this. I was a fraud.
Then I realized something: I was being as mean to myself as the people online. And not a single blow of self-flagellation was helping me move on. In fact, each self-judgmental thought cemented me further into the hole. Because telling myself I was sucking at life made it awfully hard to find the strength to do better.
Every time I criticized myself, I weakened myself, and a weakened person is far less equipped to reframe difficult circumstances and respond wisely.
The only way out was to cut myself some slack. I needed to stop fighting with myself and let go, as if melting into a hug from someone who had finally forgiven me. I needed my own love and compassion.
So I drank too much and cried. I was hurting. It’s been a long journey toward starting a family, and it’s been hard. It’s okay to hurt.
So I made mistakes in my work—who hasn’t? I owned them and publicly admitted them. What matters isn’t the fact that I messed up but that I acknowledged it and committed to doing better.
I don’t have to be perfect. Sometimes I will make mistakes, some public, and sometimes I’ll make many that compound. The only way to stop the cycle is to stop obsessing about having done things wrong. The only way to move into the future is to fully accept the past. Once I did this, I felt freer and better able to be present.
The approval that matters most is my own.
It bothered me that people believed I removed the image because I needed approval from the “complainers,” as opposed to having made a decision based on my own beliefs and values.
But ironically, once the flood of negative comments came in, I did start feeling a need for approval. I wanted people to understand and honor my positive intentions.
It took me a day, but I was finally able to accept that some people were simply committed to judging me, and this wasn’t something to change; it was something to accept.
It didn’t matter if some people derided me or questioned me if I felt in my heart I’d done the right thing.
I eventually deleted the second post because I wanted to put an end to the negativity. There’s far too much of that on Facebook already. But I’m proud I waited and resisted the urge to remove all criticism immediately. For a recovering approval addict, allowing a public character assassination requires immense strength. And I give myself a lot of credit for that.
It’s rarely personal.
Intellectually, I knew this when people were insulting me in both places on Facebook.
I knew that the people who were angry with me for catering to “snowflakes” were really projecting their feelings about what they perceive to be an oversensitive culture. It wasn’t just about this one image. It was about every time someone’s ever said they were offended and their complex feelings about what that means to them.
I also knew that the people defending the woman who’d been sharing my book online were acting from a place of allegiance to their friend. They were more pro-her than anti-me. Many didn’t even have all the information—they didn’t realize she’d been sharing from a book. So really, I couldn’t take that personally either.
This wasn’t immediately comforting to me because the attacks were so public, but when I was able to fully absorb this, it did give me some peace.
Not everyone will see my side, and that’s okay.
I believe one of our deepest desires is to feel understood—to know that other people get where we’re coming from and that they may even have done the same thing if they were in our shoes.
I didn’t feel that way when people judged me personally based on the letter from my publisher’s legal department.
I left a few comments on that post, trying my best to respond from a place of calm, but I know there are some people who will forever think I am greedy and soulless because I didn’t want my book’s content republished online.
I’ve decided that this is okay. Not everyone has to get me, understand me, support me, be considerate of me, or treat me kindly—so long as I do those things for myself.
Pain can be useful if you share it to help someone else.
I decided to share this post for two reasons:
First, I thought it would be cathartic for me. I felt ashamed for a lot of this weekend, and I wanted to be able to reframe this experience in a way that felt empowering. As I said when I first launched this site, when we recycle our pain into something useful for others, we’re able to turn shame into pride.
And that brings me to the second reason: I thought it might be helpful for someone else to realize that even someone who runs a site like Tiny Buddha can fall into so many self-destructive traps.
If you’ve ever drank too much and fallen apart emotionally, know that you’re not alone.
If you’ve ever obsessed over comments online and allowed something as trivial as a Facebook feud to get the better of you, know that you’re not alone.
If you’ve ever failed to apply what you know and regressed to the least evolved version of yourself, know that you’re not alone.
And know that all of these things are okay. They don’t mean anything about you as a person. They don’t define you. And they certainly don’t have to dictate the future.
This is what I needed to hear this weekend when I was despondent and numb, so today it’s my gift to you. I hope someone benefits from something in my experience, but I suppose no matter what, someone has—me.
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
So sorry to read that you have gone through this but glad that you’ve got through it stronger and with love.
I so needed to read this today as I too am feeling bad about a decision that I made but woke up this morning feeling that today I was going to own up to it and then I could put it behind me. Reading this post has made me sure that this is the right thing to do – my sister has stopped talking to my dad and he doesn’t know why but I do and none of it is his fault but are a result of my sister’s own insecurities and I’m sorry to say twisted view of the world (I respect that these are her feelings and opinions but no way agree with them). He has found out from someone else as to why she’s not speaking to him as asked me about it last night. I denied all knowledge when I’ve known about it for 12 months or so. I didn’t tell him before because a) I thought it was none of my business as it was between him and her and b) there was nothing either of us could do to put it right as she refused point blank to speak to him and c) I thought if I kept quiet then she could start speaking to him whenever she wanted by maybe apologising that she hadn’t been touch and it could all be passed over. Anyway, after a sleepless night last night I’ve decided to phone him this morning when he gets up and apologise for not being upfront with him and telling him the above reasons why. I really did think that I was doing the right thing by not telling him but now feel that I was deceiving him. Whenever the situation or my sister has been mentioned my stomach has twisted and churned over the silliness of it all. Anyway, wish me luck and I’m glad you’ve got things sorted. Thanks for your post x
Lori, it takes a lot of courage to accept we have made a mistake. People shame us and we feel horrible. I’m a quiet reader of this forum but this gives me hope. I have behaved in ways I’m not proud of. Thank you for sharing your experience. There is a lot to write but I think less is more. Thank you for making me feel like a human and not like I’m the worst person on Earth.
Take care
Love
Palak
Hi Lori,
Congrats for your post and this amazing website! I am a quiet reader myself as well, but I figured that now would be a good time to “speak”. Not everyone will understand, just like you said and they don’t have to, either. Your actions speak for themselves and I am sure you have many things to be proud of. We all make mistakes, we are human after all, but I think that what’s more important is to learn from them and continue growing. I am pretty sure you are familiar with the quote: “The day we stop learning is the day we die.” (not sure who wrote it first. Socrates maybe?) So… let’s just… keep on learning! 🙂
Take care.
Wow reading your moment when you were at your weakest and hurt, and coming out a resilient fighter, hugging yourself, that gave me goosebumps and it’s amazing how your mind mustered the exact approach to heal your feelings of being judged!
It was an epiphany for me too one day when I was agonizing under something which I eventually figured out was in the domain of “ooh what would they think”, since then, recognizing the uselessness of “being judged”, I have tackled many a “mistakes” mindfully without (undue) stress
Thanks for sharing your Prince Rupert’s drop of wisdom 🙂
Hello Lori,
This is exactly all that I have wanted to realize in a very long time. I have made some mistakes and the most difficult thing for me has been to forgive myself for it. I think forgiveness is the hardest when it must be given to yourself. I keep reminding myself every day the quote “forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know until you learned it.” Thank you so much for sharing your story. As always, I am a big fan of Tiny Buddha!
Thanks for posting. We all make mistakes, we all can be emotional letting that affect our behaviors. Biggest thing; we all have had similar experiences and we all learned from them too. Blessings on you. May all be well for your highest good.
Eileen
Hi Lori,
Your articles have sustained me, comforted me through a second divorce and inspired me, so much so that making time to read your articles is part of my daily self-care. I remember the internal pain and conflicting emotions I had when attending my sister’s baby shower while trying for three years to get pregnant. Like you I coped by drinking too much and justified my behavior since it was a pleasure that pregnant women can’t partake in. Your website is life giving and creative. Often I’ll share an insight from an article that has been resonating within to just the right person who seemed to need to hear it. I always refer them to your website for more. Sounds like a hard weekend. Need a do over. BTW I took a break from trying to get pregnant, bought a new house and car and took that expensive vacation to Hawaii. Came back from Hawaii pregnant with my first born. Had two more children. Keep open to all the possibilities. Let us know who comes into your family.
Beautiful. ❤
Hi Lori,
Social media is more a curse than a blessing in my opinion. I’m sorry you had such a hurtful experience. Basically I think when we allow the entire world (social media) into our life it’s going to get ugly sooner or later. As you know people will say things in the sanctuary of their iPhone or computer they would never say to your face. Personally I feel the whole social media thing is out of control-as it causes obsession with how we are seen by others and places far too much importance on every tiny move we make.
I appreciate your Tiny Buddha emails in my inbox every day. I’m a writer, overly sensitive, but that sensitivity is why I’m a good writer-as I’m sure is true for you.
On another note-Pacific Fertility in San Francisco or UCSF fertility are both excellent and LA has equally excellent places. My sister is a nurse specializing in the field for 40 years. If you’re ready to be pregnant I hope you’ll make an appointment and not wait. I have 2 children and nothing in this world is a greater blessing to me. I wish you multitudes of blessings and joy Lori.
Larue
Hi Lori! I love your page so much! There is always food for thought and compassion for our pain given so lovingly by you every day. I know that the squeaky wheel gets all the attention but there are so many more people like me who read your words and send silent beams of love and thanks as we go on with our day. You are light in a really dark world and we need all the light we can get. You are loved as you are. Just be you Divinely imperfect self!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🙏🏾
Thank you so much for this post and your vulnerability! I’ve been following Tiny Buddha for a few months now and yours is the best, most authentic post yet. I really appreciate you and the insight you have shared – you have helped make me a better person. 🙂 Jeannie
Thanks for sharing your story. I found myself cringing as I was reading it. I think we’ve all had experiences where everything we do and say seems to go wrong. Great reminder that in such times – we need compassion most when we think we deserve it the least.
It seems to me that we live in a time where many seek out opportunities to take offence and then using that to fuel some ‘righteous’ anger, and doing so, returning offence for offence. It hurts to be on the receiving end. As well it hurts to see the anger and pain that those offended by our words or actions carry. At such times I turn to the Stoics and remind myself that as Epictetus said, “If someone succeeds in provoking you, realize that your mind is complicit in the provocation.” It is a choice to be offended and as you mentioned when we find ourselves in such circumstances compassion, for ourselves and others, is the key to being able to learn from the experience and letting it go.
“When people injure you, ask yourself what good or harm they thought would come of it. If you understand that, you’ll feel sympathy rather than outrage or anger. Your sense of good and evil may be the same as theirs, or near it, in which case you have to excuse them. Or your sense of good and evil may differ from theirs. In which case they’re misguided and deserve your compassion.” – Marcus Aurelius
You are a brave and courageous lady. I really needed to read this today. Since right before the solstice, a lot of things have happened and fallen apart and caused me to fall to pieces and the last part of your writing here brings me hope in your message. I can’t thank you enough for sharing this today. You do you and keep on doing what you do. It is needed in this world. In a big way! Mars retrograde will be over soon, so will Mercury (they are sandwiched together), the eclipses and the solstice all were apart of this. Some of us needed to empty our vessels of the BS and our pasts so we can fill it up with better things to come. 🙂 Thank you again!
Lori, thank you for being so open with us all. We all make mistakes.. we are human after all. We have all been there in one way or another. The people that truly know you and love you understand why it happened… and they still love you!! Don’t let outside “noise” from others make you feel less about yourself… haters are always going to find someone or something to hate. I absolutely love tiny buddha… love all the articles, and really love the beautiful wise sayings on instagram! Thank you for being you and all that you do to help people like me who struggle with anxiety, fear, and not enough self love, feel better about who we are and the things we can do to help make ourselves feel better and live a life with joy, love, peace and purpose in our lives!
Thank you for sharing your experiences. What a great lesson, “Not everyone has to get me, understand me, support me, be considerate of me, or treat me kindly—so long as I do those things for myself.” I personally don’t subscribe to face book but I felt that I wanted to thank you.
Hi Lori
I have found that the situations where we are at the receiving end of negative comments / emotions / judgments are the ones that really test our love for (of) ourselves and our authenticity. Looks like you passed with flying colors.
Dearest Lori, Thank you for sharing your human-ness! You are a beautiful and sensitive soul. I continue to enjoy your posts, 5 days a week, wow … whether they are posts you chose by others or posts you’ve written, you continue to uplift my soul. This one is very special as I can relate to this experience as I had a very similar experience many, many years ago. when I was about your age. It is simply amazing how life will humble us even when we are feeling the most vulnerable. You will be just fine! You rock! Keep on doing what you do and sharing. You make the world a better place for all! Love and light, Sarah
What a beautiful article – thanks for sharing, Lori! And I love your reframe – those tough times are when we get to put into practice what we know deep down. And to me the difference is that we can “snap out” of our feelings of shame and anger. Those feelings are likely to come up again and again but we can get better at dealing with them. And the first step is accepting that they are there. We are all human after all.
Sending you lots of love and all best wishes for your journey ahead with regard to planning a family.
Hi Lori
Thank you for writing this post and sharing your vulnerability. No matter how hard we try to love ourselves, to remind ourselves that everything would be okay, sometimes someone would try to invade that. We thought all of our hard work in loving ourselves have built a strong shield, but that shield still shatters. And that’s okay. Because we are just human.
Keep loving yourself. And keep being human.
Sending you love <3
Please do write more articles like this one 🙂 Lori, you are a blessing. Thank you because I really needed to read about self-shaming and self-judging. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are doing a wonderful job, keep it up. <3
Hi Lori,
I want to thank you for all your help. This site has helped me over the years deal with pain, emotions, situations, etc. Sometimes we do “derail”. And that’s ok. It’s proof that we are not going to give up. Being human and flawed is something we all are. I just appreciate everything you have done for me. Keep up the great work!
Awwww….been where you are and at 41 adopted a baby. I’m now 58. Life works in mysterious ways…this too shall pass and life will fall into place. Thanks for sharing your vulnerabilities. 😘
It is pretty useless, huh? This has been one of my greatest life struggles – learning to make peace with the fact that I can’t control other people’s perceptions. Fortunately life provides abundant opportunities to keep practicing acceptance!
That’s wonderful that you’ve been able to rebound from mistakes without undue stress. Thanks for taking the time to write. =)
Thanks so much Palak, and you’re most welcome. =)
Thanks Ana-Marie. It’s a pleasure to e-meet you! I love that quote. There’s something comforting about the thought that growth is synonymous with life. Struggles seem less painful when viewed in this context. It’s like that meme on Facebook, with an EKG monitor line with peaks and dips – if your life has no ups and downs, it means you’re dead!
Hi Pat ~
I’m so sorry to hear about the divorce. It does my heart good to know the site has been helpful to you, and that you’ve shared it with others. Wow, three children after three years of trying – that’s wonderful! Thank you for sharing your story and giving me hope. I don’t post as often these days, but perhaps I will share a little more about my journey to starting a family. =)
Lori
I think you’re right! I find it much easier to offer someone else compassion and understanding, as I hold myself to a pretty high standard. But I can see I’ve gotten a lot better at this. In the past I might have beat myself up over these events for weeks. This time I was able to rebound much more quickly, and that’s progress! It’s been very helpful to me to focus of progress over perfection – another thing I wouldn’t have done when I was younger.
I love that quote. Thanks for sharing it! And you’re most welcome. =)
Thanks so much, Helen. I’m sorry to hear about what’s been going on with your sister and father. It sounds like you’ve been in a really difficult position. It’s never easy to be in the middle of a situation like this with two people you love. Best of luck with the call! I hope it goes well.
Thanks Laurie. I have mixed feelings about social media. On the one hand, it troubles me to see so much rage and contention, though I suspect it’s fueled by the deep pain most people carry through their days. On the other hand, I’ve loved creating my own little sanctuary there and finding other pages that I find inspiring and uplifting.
I’m with you on the potential for trouble when we share so much of our lives online. I think about just how much we’re essentially asking people to weigh in on by narrating our experiences daily. Do we really need that many opinions on our choices and beliefs? I think it’s overwhelming, really. I don’t post on my personal page too often because there’s not much I feel a need to share with hundreds of people – some of whom I haven’t seen since high school or college – all at once. And when I look at my feed I often feel overwhelmed by seeing snapshots of so many people’s lives. Sometimes I like seeing their baby pics and assorted adventures. But more often than not, it just distracts me from what I need to be doing in my own life – offline, disconnected from technology. I’d like to say I never fall into the comparison trap, but sometimes I do.
I suspect the same, about being sensitive. At times it’s felt like a curse, but I know it’s also a gift. I imagine every great artist has a sensitive soul, and I wouldn’t trade my ability to create for anything.
I’m glad you’ve enjoyed the emails, and I appreciate the recommendations! I’ve been hesitant to pursue fertility treatments because I’m not sure I want to put my body through that. But I know there are some treatments that aren’t as aggressive as IVF. Thank you for the well wishes, and for taking the time to write. =)
Yes, this was a cringe-worthy story, that’s for sure.
Regarding taking offense, I found it interesting that that people who commented on the hyper-sexualized silhouette were actually far less angry and righteous than the people who were angry that I absorbed and responded to that feedback.
In other words, though some found the image offensive, they were able to communicate that respectfully. And yet the very mention of the word “offensive” brought out an angry mob determined to shame anyone who felt offended. Though my emotions hijacked my (exhausted) brain, in retrospect I see it was an interesting study in human behavior!
That’s a wonderful quote. It does help a great deal to recognize someone’s positive intent. Everyone who was harshly critical in these two situations was actually trying to defend someone. I believe those who were outraged over the idea of taking offense were trying to defend those, including themselves, who unintentionally offend others and then feel demonized. And as I mentioned in the post, in the other Facebook thread, the commenters were defensive for their friend, who also had good intentions.
Thank you for the food for thought!
Thank you Sara. 💜
Thanks Eileen. It’s very comforting to remember that everyone struggles and no one’s perfect. I appreciate the well wishes. =)
Thanks for taking the time to write, Mandy, and for the encouragement! I’m glad to hear that the site has been helpful to you. =)
Thanks Dave, and you’re most welcome! I’m so sorry to hear about the things that have fallen apart. Here’s to filling our vessels with better things!
Haha the abundant opportunities that life gives us to grow…and help others by sharing our lessons :p
Yeah I know the struggle of wanting to control people’s perceptions about us, it’s always there as a background process but I acknowledge it that it’s just a thought…it’s hard work!
Take care
Thanks for taking the time to write, Sarah! I really appreciate your kind words and encouragement. Yes, days like these can be quite humbling. But I love that sharing these vulnerable experiences can connect us on such a deep level. The experience of connecting through comments and emails today has felt like the rainbow after the storm. And boy, has it been beautiful. Love and light back to you! =)
I’m glad you’ve enjoyed it, Randy! Thank you for the kind words. I feel loved, and I couldn’t be more grateful. =)
Thanks so much, Jeannie, and you’re most welcome. I’m glad this was helpful to you!
Thanks Mai! Sending love back to you. <3
Thanks so much, Poo, and you’re most welcome!
Thanks Terrill! Growing up I came to believe that mistakes mean I’m unlovable, and to this day, this belief still pops into my head at times, so your comment was very helpful to read. I appreciate that you took the time to write, and I’m glad you’ve found the site helpful! =)
Thank you for this. What a wonderful way to look at it. =)
Hi Lori,
First, thank you for having the courage to share the events of this weekend publicly with us. Next, this:
“And then something occurred to me: This whole weekend was an opportunity. It was a chance to practice some of the lessons that are much easier to practice when everything is going well.”
This is so true! I co-facilitate a support group for survivors of childhood abuse and when things are going well for me I can remember every tool in the tool box to suggest to others. But when my life is difficult, anxiety and worry cause me to forget the tool box even exists! So this part of your story really resonated with me. And reminded me I’m only human.
Each of your 5 points, starting with self compassion, were also important reminders for me. And the fact that you shared your story is another instance of you sharing your wisdom – which is what attracted me to Tiny Buddha in the first place, years ago.
I share posts on relevant topics with my group – always citing the author and Tiny Buddha itself. And when times are tough, I find myself on the site looking for something that helps. I always find it.
So thank you Lori, for all you’ve done and all that you do – and will do in the future, both on this site and elsewhere. It means a lot.
Lastly, I’ve learned there are many ways to become a parent. After an emergency hysterectomy, my sister volunteered to be my surrogate and carry my baby. We got pregnant briefly but she miscarried. Later attempts failed, as did my marriage. But I decided life wasn’t going to stand in the way of my becoming someone’s mother. So I became a foster parent – and long story short, instead of the baby I started out wanting, I got a 9 year old who is now a beautiful, smart, happy and healthy 23 year old. I could not possibly love her more and I know she is the child that the universe meant for me to have. I know that you will find your own way to parenthood and it will be the one meant for you. Namaste, Lori. Peace and love always.
Hi Lori,
What an authentic article, and one that I, and obviously, many others can relate to. I know many of these feelings all too well and the mental downward spiral that occurs when you are being hard on yourself, and how difficult it is to get out of. It is such a good reminder to know we are all human, and all make mistakes although it is a hard one to convince yourself of in such times. I have a quote on the whiteboard in my office right now that I figured I would share, that I am sure you have heard, but really rings true to me after reading this article. “Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves.” -Pema Chodron.
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for showing vulnerability. I am grateful to have come across this post.
Sorry to hear about all of the drama. Amazingly, this post was cathartic for me too. It spoke to me because there have been so many times that things have fallen apart for me this past year (with my car literally falling apart). Reading this website and learning about mindfulness has helped so much. When we start to fall apart, we need to consciously turn back towards compassion, kindness, and understanding in order to heal. I wish you the best.
This is amazing. Thank you for sharing this. I’m getting married this weekend and my mom and my sisters are stressing me out and I haven’t always handled it the way they want me to, or even in ways I really want to. I needed this bit of calm and perspective and a hand reaching out with a similar story.
You’re most welcome, and thank you so much! I’m so glad this was helpful to you. =)
Again, I totally agree and have come across that metaphor before. I used to get so frustrated at learning the same lesson again and again… And that made so much sense to me!
Thank you, Karen! I was thinking the same thing – that we can never fully eliminate shame and other difficult feelings, but we can get better at dealing with them. A long time ago a contributor compared life’s challenges to a spiral staircase. She wrote that we deal with the same things over and over, and it may seem like going back to the same place, but each time we’re further up the spiral. I love how this analogy combats judgment, because I can remind myself I have made progress, even if it doesn’t seem that way. Thanks again. I appreciate your well wishes! =)
That’s wonderful! Thank you for the encouragement. =)