“The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them.” ~Unknown
I got on that twelve-hour flight thinking I was ready. Yet during the travel from my house to the airport to Belgium, my feelings were suspiciously neutral.
I neither hated where I was nor felt strong emotional attachment. Less than two weeks later, those emotions came out, full force. Ten days into graduate school in Belgium, I realized that this wasn’t what I wanted.
Everyone told me to stay, to tough it out. I didn’t realize then that their advice was for them—that my peers wanted to stay in school, and my friends wanted to have a life in some exotic land like Europe.
That’s when I realized that everyone comes from a different place—everyone has different values and desires—and their opinions should not dictate how we feel about our choices.
When I decided to quit school, everyone was against it. One peer clutched my arm tightly, as if I’d just told her that today was the end of the world. Some even got angry.
At first I was affected by the overflow of emotions, until I realized that what I did had no permanent effect on their lives, regardless of how they reacted.
Wants vs. Needs
I was an overstrung, high achiever in both high school and college. I played by the rules and did what I was told. And I was addicted to status.
Advisors and teachers told me that I should apply for the Fulbright scholarship, that I should join Peacecorps—it’d be wonderful, it’d be life-changing. I did what others deemed best for me, and it made me reliant on them and ignorant of my own instincts and desires.
After graduating from college I needed a rest from it all, but used to going full-steam ahead, I kept pushing. I hoped I could start graduate school in Germany or France, leaving myself only a two-month break after years of schooling.
But every school I applied to rejected me. Though I cried after received those long-awaited letters, I now realize this was a blessing in disguise.
That year, I went “nowhere.” I felt unhappy, stuck, and lost. But I kept applying, hoping for an adventure for the following year.
During that time, I decided to distract myself. I wrote more. I exercised more. I tried to laugh a little bit more. I fell in love with krav maga and found a community of people who I rejoiced in seeing almost every day.
Then I was accepted into a masters program in Belgium for the following year.
Life was going to be okay because I finally got what I wanted; I was going to Belgium in six months!
During the countdown, though, as I trained more and had more time to myself, I began wavering.
Gone were the moments of nervousness, fear, and apprehension that were so constant post-graduation. I found myself living in the moment more often. My skin was clearing up I was shedding stress-induced weight; I was going out more. I stopped dreaming about being away.
After a particularly grueling session in class, my krav maga instructor came over to me with a smile and said, “Once you’ve traveled the world and seen everything you want, come back here, where you belong.”
I laughed at first and said, “Sure,” thinking in my head that I’d probably be gone forever.
Guess who was right in the end?
Fear vs. Lack of Desire
People always told me to “try it,” and “just do it,” and that seemed like a good life motto. Never let fear hold you back. But what I was experiencing before leaving for Belgium wasn’t fear; it was a lack of desire.
My first time studying abroad in Taiwan was nerve wracking but brimming with anticipation. I cried over late documents and panicked over lost plane tickets, but no matter what, the final destination was Taiwan.
I broke off a long-term relationship, I studied hard into the night, but I knew that it was well worth it.
The night before I left, I began wondering if I was doing the right thing, if I could leave home for the first time for a whole year. That thought passed as quickly as it had appeared. I departed, and am glad I did, because I knew that it was the right thing for me to do. How did I know? I felt passionate.
Fast-forward three years later: going to Belgium wasn’t what I wanted. I just couldn’t admit that. I didn’t print my plane ticket until twelve hours before my flight. I didn’t pack until a day before I left. I just didn’t care to go to Belgium anymore.
Apathy is said to be worse than love or hate. I was entirely apathetic about my “next adventure.”
I’ve learned that fear is different than a lack of desire, and even if we don’t listen to our instincts right away, we can always tune in and honor what we hear. Accept what happened, accept that your desires have changed, and listen more closely to what you really want and need.
Our instincts not only keep us safe but can help guide us through life.
Woman daydreaming image via Shutterstock
About Chau Le
Part-time avid haggling traveler, part-time bedridden homebody with laptop on belly and Costco-sized nutella on chest, Ms. Le is a Jill-of-all-trades, language enthusiast, and a rather uncommitted college graduate (she still can’t believe she made it out alive). Visit her at milotheory.wordpress.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Dear Le, so what is it that you actually wanted? How did you overcome or come out of this lack of desire? M asking because I am facing this right now. … also in my case this lack of desire is there along with a lot of confusion about where to go and join for a job.
I definitely understand and have experienced what you described. “Apathy” toward a decision definitely makes it a lot harder to see something through to completion.
Thanks for sharing your story Chau Le.
Recognizing the difference between fear and lack of desire is so very important.
It was very smart of you to compare how you felt when you went to Taiwan to the way you were feeling about Belgium.
Most people are so worried about what other people think about them and their choices that they go through life doing what everyone else expects. This leads to much frustration, resentment, and disappointment in life.
Good luck on your journey to learn what it is that you want now. And remember, even once you choose a path, you are not locked into it for life. It’s ok to want new experiences and follow new paths many times throughout your life.
🙂
UC Berkeley is a Soviet Republic.
Samantha – thank you for your kind words and support!! You’re right, most of us at one point in our life goes through the motions for other people, not ourselves. It took me some time to realize that not only should it NOT matter, but that most people actually won’t judge (or care for more than 10 minutes), or their opinions don’t matter, because they are not living our/yours/my life. Maybe if I listened earlier, I wouldn’t have even stepped on that plane – but that part doesn’t really matter, because in the end I “came to”, and made the best out of the situation (spent 2 months traveling and gained a different kind of satisfaction). It’s still a battle, listening to what I want, but like you said – it’s OK to change paths many times and at many places in life 🙂
Sentinus – isn’t it?! At least with hate, there’s a strong enough feeling that you can make a decision. With apathy, it’s as if there’s no VALID reason to stop what you’re doing – but there’s no passion to follow through.
Hi Sia –
What I really wanted was to stay in the United States with my family and friends – what I really wanted was to deepen the relationships I’d just made after moving to California, and to continue training in Krav Maga with those specific instructors, those specific classmates, and that specific place (incase someone asks me “Krav Maga is international, why couldn’t you just find a new place!). I’d finally found my “reason for living”. How did I find that out? When I was in Belgium, it literally seemed like the skies were ALWAYS grey (okay, Belgium does have cloudy weather, but there’s SOME sun). I couldn’t get excited over anything. I felt as if I was looking at myself from above – I almost couldn’t feel my body. When I was in the U.S., whether it was a good or bad day, I always FELT something – a good day made me appreciate life, a bad day made me sit down and think about how I could improve it. When I was in Belgium, I didn’t care. I didn’t care about what I ate, what/how I said things, who I met, where I walked, what I did…there’s living life #YOLO (lol) and there’s not caring because what you’re doing gives you no meaning. (#YOLO is being “reckless” because whatever you’re doing you ENJOY – apathy is not caring because there is no joy).
I overcame my lack of desire by talking to many friends and family – but making the decision by myself. Our loved ones can give us plenty of support and usually have words of wisdom, but in the end it’s up to you! I came to this decision after spending the entire week crying – and I KNEW it wasn’t because I was just trying to adjust to being in a new country, because I’d DONE that before (i.e. Taiwan) and that time, the sadness was always trumped by so many happy experiences immediately after that I realized those emotions were just from being tired. These sad emotions were consistent, and refused to go away. So one day, after it became too much, this voice in my head said “You can quit. It’s okay.” And when I heard that voice – and agreed – this feeling of relief washed over me. My friend noticed the difference within 24 hours and told me straight out “You’ve become a different person.” It was scary – I didn’t know what was going to happen – but I knew that it was going to be better. And it was. So I don’t know exactly what to do in your situation, only to give yourself some space and think about what makes you happy – imagine that scenario, and see what steps you’ll have to make to get there. Mine was “go home”, and the steps to that was quitting school and buying a plane ticket back that night. So I did.
Dear Le, thank you very much for the beautiful response. . No one could have put it together so clearly. Yes this apathy is also painful, and exhausting. Hopefully I will find a way out too…
Enjoyed your story Chau Le. I’ve also found my Krav Maga teacher to be one of the wisest people in my life!
Sia, I hope for the best, and good luck. You’ll find it 🙂
Hi Ellen – thank you for reading! Completely agreed, Krav Maga instructors are like the yodas of this particular galaxy 🙂
Your story makes a beautiful distinction that is often confused for one another. Fear or Lack of desire..
Ankit – thank you!! Happy to see you feel/recognize the same thing. We’re often so confused about whether the excuses we come up with for not doing something is a lack of fear or lack of desire.
Hi Chau,
Your experience is really an eye opener to me. I’m a fellow sufferer too. I get many ideas that I should do this or that all the time for decades. Yet, I recognize that I don’t have any enthusiasm to go ahead. After some time I forget every one of them. Only to repeat it after some time. It looks like a vicious cycle. In all that I did force myself to do, I’ve certainly failed.
Yes, apathy is the real killer. I realise now that I should never force myself to do anything, in which I don’t find enthusiasm and I need constant flogging (myself). However important or desirable it may look to be!
Thank you for your great article!
Hi Shanker,
Whether it’s finding any kind of job to provide for our families or simply starting to write a book because that’s your goal in life, there has to be something motivating us. The path to your goal might not always be a happy one, but it’s so important to recognize a VALUABLE struggle vs. struggling just because you think you should (or think it’s good).
I still struggle all the time to identify if what I’m doing has value, but it’s something that takes practice! Recognizing the cycle is already a great first step towards building awareness, and you’ve already declared that you will no longer force yourself to something you don’t FEEL anything for – that’s already a big game changer!
I am so glad my piece helped and wish you the best of luck!
Chau, this article is what I have been looking for. Especially because I am unhappy on a semester exchange and when I spoke to people back home about it and coming home they told me to “stick it out” or “it’ll be a great experience.” Before I left everyone told me how life changing it would be, how much everyone loves this place. I’ve been having trouble reconciling that I don’t love this place and I have these feelings and everyone is telling me that I’m wrong. I’m told it’s homesickness or fear. This experience amounts to a checkbox on an application or foreign experience on my resume. I hate that it’s peoples’ justification for telling me to stay.
Thank you for the wonderful article! It was exactly what I needed. Now we’ll have to see if I continue to “suck it up” or do what my heart wants and fly home..