âJoy is the simplest form of gratitude.â ~Karl Barth
We were lying in bed. I said, âWe canât do it.â She said, âI donât see what else we can do.â We lay there in silence, trying to figure it out.
It was the third big decision of our relationship. The first was when I asked Nicole to marry me. The second was when she said yes. And the thirdâthe one we couldnât figure outâwas what to do about Ralph.
Sheâd had Ralphâa female German Shepherdâfor a little over a year. Nicole had been waiting for years to get a dog, and now sheâd found one, and it all felt so rightâthe timing, everything.
What she didnât expect was meeting me.
And that Iâd be allergic to dogs.
Nicole was heartbroken, but decided that the only way we could live together would be to find a new home for Ralph. So we didâa nice, older couple whoâd lost a dog years earlier who looked just like Ralph. We went to their house, and Ralph loved it there.
But something in us just wasnât ready to let Ralph go.
So we lay in bed and tried to come up with a solution. We were getting nowhere.
Then I surprised both of us by saying, âWeâre not giving Ralph away. Weâre just not.â We didnât know what the solution would be, but we went on faith.
I ended up trying new allergy medicines, and here we are ten years later. Ralph, hard to believe, is almost eleven. Our decision to keep her turned out to be one of the best we madeânot just because we love her (and dogs in general), but because Ralph has been such a spiritual teacher.
The first thing Ralph taught us is that you canât predict the specifics of your life. You just canât. You can envision the future, but life often turns out to be not quite what we were planning.
And this is a good thing.
So often we strive for control, certainty, predictability, but imagine how dull life would be, how much less wondrous, if we knew the specifics of our livesâthe challenges as well as the joysâbefore they happened.
I never could have predicted that Iâd fall in love with a dog and that sheâd become one of my best friends and teachers.
One of the most important lessons Ralph teaches me is to live in the moment. Sheâs a creature of the present, and this inspires me to be more mindful.
Whenever Iâm having one of those days when there never seems to be enough time and Iâm multi-tasking and rushing through everything, Ralph grounds me.
She cries for me to walk her, and I may grumble at firstâI may even try to rush herâbut eventually I look at her, content sniffing a tree, and remember that there really is no rush and that this moment is the only one that matters.
Ralph has also taught me about forgiveness. For her, itâs natural, automatic. She holds no grudges.
Several years ago, by accident, I slammed a car door on Ralphâs tail. She was bleeding. I had to take her to the pet emergency room.
But what I remember most about that moment is that as soon as I slammed the door on her tail, she cried and came running to me for comfortâthe one whoâd just hurt her! She does this all the time. Whenever she gets hurtâwhen someone steps on her tail by accident, for exampleâshe cries and runs straight to the person who hurt her.
She retains no memory of anyone having hurt her. Thereâs no need for retaliation.
Ralph also has a natural capacity for compassion. Sheâs deeply affected by someone elseâs pain.
I remember a pretty bad fight between Nicole and me. Weâd said some hurtful things to each other, and Nicole was crying. I knew that the right thing to do, no matter what weâd been fighting about, was to comfort her, but my ego got in the way, and I remained angry, unable to access my compassion.
But as soon as Ralph heard Nicole crying, she ran over to lick Nicoleâs face. Perhaps some dog experts would tell me that Ralph wasnât really feeling compassion, and thatâs fine, but her actions still taught me a lesson: when someone is in pain and needs compassion, you do your best to put your ego aside and be loving in the moment. Thatâs a lesson Iâm still in the process of learning.
One of the greatest joys of having a dog is that Ralph is always ecstatic to see usâwhen we wake in the morning, when we come home, when we walk into the room.
When anyone comes into our home, sheâs the same wayâthrilled to see whoever it is. When weâre walking her and approach a stranger, her tail goes crazy, and she just wants to connect with that person.
Again, dog experts may try to explain that thereâs something evolutionarily self-serving in this behavior, but even if there is, it still teaches me important lessons.
I see how happy Ralph is to greet each day, and it inspires me to be just as excited about my day, and to be thrilled to be alive.
When Iâm too busy and find myself rushing through my day, a happy greeting from Ralphâalways with something in her mouth to present to meâreminds me to slow down and to be just as happy to see her.
Ralph also reminds meâespecially useful on days when Iâm busyâthat all of us, dogs and humans, are meant to play.
Itâs so easy to get stuck in a pattern of working all the timeâevery free momentâbut one trip to the park with Ralph breaks that pattern.
As soon as she gets out of the car she bounds through the grass. All she wants to do is run and chase balls and sticksâsheâs practically bursting. Nothing else matters, and this inspires me to forget about my work and worries for the time being.
Because sheâs a German Shepherd, Ralph is hard-wired to herd. She needs to keep her pack together.
Her pack includes me and my wife, and now our son. In fact, we call ourselves a pack almost as often as we call ourselves a family.
Years ago, when Ralph was younger, weâd use her herding instinct to exercise her. When we took her to the park, Nicole would run in one direction, Iâd run in the opposite direction, and Ralph would run back and forth, desperate to keep us connected.
You can see the metaphor Iâm going for: Ralph reminds me how important it is to stay connected with my packâmy family.
Whenever Iâm feeling disconnected from my familyâusually through my own faultâI try to think of Ralph running back and forth, from one side of the park to the other, just to make sure weâre not getting too far from each other.
Iâd be remiss if I didnât mention one more obvious thing. No matter what Iâm feelingâbusy, stressed, anxious, angryâjust putting my hands on Ralphâs fur and listening to her breathe is all it takes to feel better.
Petting a dog can be one of the most mindful, peaceful, and spiritual moments you can have.
Photo by Andrew Morell Photography
About Nicholas Montemarano
Nicholas Montemarano is the author of two novels, "The Book of Why" (2013) and "A Fine Place" (2002), and a short story collection, "If the Sky Falls" (2005). Visit him on Facebook and on Twitter.