“Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” ~Sonia Ricotti
Life is sometimes ridiculously hard. It sucks. It rips out your heart and your entrails, spins them around the room, and stuffs them back in unceremoniously through the hole from which they were ripped.
And it expects you to smile and carry on. People expect you to carry on. Because that is what we think people do.
I felt like this a few years ago when my marriage ended. Luckily, I had good people around me. They didn’t expect that from me.
I, on the other hand, expected me to get right back on that horse. I had to keep going, to be stronger. To not let it affect me that much. So I berated myself. I got angry with myself. I hated myself (because that was exactly what I needed, right?)
The thing is, when you are in the thick of it, you don’t know what you need. You know there is pain and you want it to stop. Please, please, just stop!
And then there is the anger. This is the hurt you don’t understand yet. Hurt without compassion, hurt without direction.
It explodes. It finds a way, a way out, somehow. Eventually.
My expectations were so high. Or should I say, it was my hopes that were high. It had to stop.
I couldn’t function until it stopped. I couldn’t forget until it stopped. And I wanted to forget so much.
I wanted to forget how I felt now. I wanted to forget how I felt before—because then I wouldn’t miss it so much. I wanted to forget the good things she did because remembering caused pain.
Conversely, I wanted to forget the bad things she did because those memories caused pain, too.
In addition, I wanted to forget every small little detail of the stupid things I’d said and done that I wished I hadn’t, the things I went over and over and over in my head. Those sharp, jagged memories I just couldn’t switch off, each one like a fishhook being carefully placed beneath my skin, then mercilessly torn from its grip.
I scurried desperately for refuge inside my head. I stayed in there. Outside were people.
People would want to talk to me, to make eye contact. I was incapable of either. I was scared.
I was frightened and ashamed and I didn’t want to see caring in someone else’s eyes. I didn’t want to hear kind words. I didn’t know how I would respond.
I didn’t know if I would break down in tears, descending to that place I hated where I was a pathetic, whining fool who brought it all on himself. Or alternatively, to the place where I got so angry at how I was treated that I didn’t want anyone to see the look in my eyes. To see the raw anger and furious energy that burned inside of me.
I didn’t want to be seen. Being seen asked questions. Questions I wasn’t ready to answer.
It was like a living volcano raging inside me. I went to counseling because I needed an outlet. I needed to get it out.
The hope inside of me that we would get back together restricted me from talking to people close to me. “What if we got back together?” What if in my pain and my hurt I said things about her, how would people see her when she came back? That would make it difficult for her.
In retrospect, I think I knew it was over, deep down, but I was still fighting what was. This false hope also gave me a reason not to open up or face things.
I look back with gratitude that I somehow found the wisdom in the bottom of that cold, dark place to take that step, to actually do something.
All of my life I had bottled up feelings. I had been strong. I had controlled my emotions.
I wasn’t a walking unfeeling marble statue. I did let loose some emotions. But I never really fully let go.
I never allowed myself to feel it all completely. I never surrendered. I was always fighting reality.
When I finally relinquished my hold on trying to control everything, it all changed. I allowed it to fall, to break free. I held nothing back.
It was here, in this moment, I finally grasped that accepting where we are is the most important step in any change process.
It was the only way through any journey of pain, to allow yourself to feel it without judgment. From the maelstrom of confusion, darkness, hail, wind, and rain in my mind, the storm started to pass.
It was like waking up lying on a beach after a shipwreck. Battered and bruised, feeling empty inside, lost, lonely, not knowing where you are, where you are going or how. But in the center, deep inside, there is a calm. Something that whispers, “The worst is over.”
Suddenly, I was able to sleep again. I woke each day without that feeling of readying myself for battle. My food tasted better.
I still had the hurt, but it was dulled. I still had the memories, but the sharpness around the edges began to blur a little. I had still to figure out what my life was going to be like without her in it, but I had survived.
All of this I allowed when I surrendered.
When I stopped fighting reality my mind calmed, and I understood that what has happened outside of me “is what it is.” I cannot change that, only how I respond. Accept.
My prolonged and persistent pain was coming from my refusal to accept this. When I stopped fighting what was, when I stopped trying to fight against the waves rather than letting them carry me to shore, I finally found peace. Surrender.
The reality wasn’t different. I still had to deal with my new situation, with my new life. But the storm in my mind had quieted. It was easier to see.
What I learned here wasn’t just about a break-up. It wasn’t just about dealing with pain. For me, this was a massive life lesson.
There are still many times when storm clouds amass in my mind. I remember not to fight the reality, whatever is going on in my life. I remind myself, “This too shall pass.”
Everything is transient. Everything ends. Good and bad.
So I wait during the bad times. I watch, I observe, I learn. I focus on what I can control and I don’t resist and fight what I can’t.
And I remember to cherish the good moments because they too shall pass. Life is so much richer when we surrender to it rather than fighting it. It all starts with accepting what is.
About Keith Clarke
Keith works with fellow members of Generation X helping them get the most out of their relationships and careers. He is a Certified Business & Life Coach and lives in Ireland. He is the proud father of two teenagers and he sings and plays guitar in his band in his spare time. You can learn more about Keith at www.lifecoachx.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
What a great article! I struggled with this a very long time. As older we get as easier it seems to become, because we had all our fair share of drama in our lives. Reading about it, is very reassuring.
Thanks, Nadin. Wisdom and the skill to apply it definitely does come with age. Thankfully 🙂 Thanks for commenting
Thank you for sharing the journey you have been on Keith – what great insights. One of my favourite quotes is Shakespeare, “There is nothing either good nor bad, but thinking makes it so.” Learning to accept, to feel, to deal with the ‘what ifs’, are lessons we become better at as we mature I believe. There’s no such thing as ‘failure’, each time things don’t go as we expected, so long as we can reflect and learn the lessons, we can then deal with future disappointments in a more objective way.
I know since having this post accepted on Tiny Buddha you’ve written an AMAZING e-book too which I’ve found really useful and would recommend anyone to check it out on your website!
I wish you many more moments – many of them magical 😉
Excellent post Keith on how to let go and surrender instead of resist and fighting. Having walked a very similar path, your post resonates with me quite a bit. So interesting how my life’s absolute worst moment ( a breakup and divorce) has become the high point. I too learned to embrace my emotions after the breakup, accept what is and surrender to what is to come. THe storm may be going on outside of us but we don’t have to bring it within. Actually, if we can find peace within, the storm on the outside transforms to soothing rain 🙂 Thanks for sharing your journey and wisdom!
Thanks, Vishnu. Absolutely. We bring the storm in when we fight what’s outside. I wouldn’t go as far as to say it was a high point, maybe the most defining 🙂 But life is definitely better now as a result of what I have learned 🙂
Hey Sandra 🙂 I do like that Shakespeare quote too. Maturity definitely brings wisdom in spades: should we choose to accept it 🙂 Thank you, Sandra
Well said, Keith. As a man we’re not “allowed” to share. As a southern American man you suck it up and move on. It’s almost been a year since she and I parted ways and there hasn’t been a day I’ve not lived with her ghost. However the ghost isn’t as present as much. This too shall pass, indeed.
Awesome post Keith. It takes guts to speak to openly about stuff like that! Although apparently yours are on the floor somewhere 😉
Hi Bill.
Sorry to hear about your own parting of ways. That male unemotional convention has a lot answer for. It’s good to see it slowly changing but there is a long way to go. And yes, this too shall pass. Those ghosts definitely fade, but they never disappear. And I don’t think they are meant to, because they carry our learning. Good luck with your journey, Bill
Ha Ha. It’s Ok, I have them all picked up now 😉 Thanks, Tim
Absolutely one of the most accurate descriptions I’ve read on what it feels like to go through this.
Thanks, Sheri. I hope it is more of a distant memory rather than a recent one
Wow, thank you for sharing your story! What an inspiring one it is. My marriage is ending…that was difficult to even write because I haven’t been able to accept it…although I’ve experienced much personal growth in the last year, I have been resisting, always holding out hope that my marriage can change, despite the deep-down truth of what is. Your post helped me to realize that my hope for change is actually resistance of the truth…the truth of what is…I know now that I must accept my reality to be able to move forward and let go. Thank you!!!
Needed to hear this right now. Someone from my past has been thrust back into my life through mutual published works and now I am living back in the ‘what if things had worked out’ phase of remorse. I haven’t dated anyone in eight years because of still loving him.
I wish your approach in this article wouldn’t have been so “relationship” oriented. There’s lots of situations this applies to. I’m an amputee from a motorcycle accident a few years ago. I’m still coming to grips with it and ‘my new life’. I found the constant references to the ‘him/her’ aspect to distract from what your msg was. Remember, all life’s misery’s aren’t necessarily because of women… just ALMOST all of them. 😉
LOVE your metaphors! You really nailed what it’s like to be in that kind of pain. Halfway through the article I paused and thought, “Wait. This is a GUY writing this?” Thank you for not only your insight, but for opening up like that and demonstrating to men and women the value in analyzing, naming, and sharing how you feel. For me, that was the first step in accepting what Is.
Every inch of ur description, is exactly what I am going through… Mixed emotions, the loneliness and most importantly accepting its over and knowing the person you love is never gonna be part of your Life anymore, feels like the end of the world but yes, guess the key is to give it time…
“Accepting where we are.” Isn’t that just the crux of life. And one of the hardest things to do. My monkey mind sure wants to spin things! But at least now I’m onto it sooner. With acceptance comes the ability to let go, and then to move on.
Beautiful post, Keith. Thank You!
Thank you for this post Keith, I’m reading this at work and I had to step away from it several times as I continued to get lumps in my throat and my eyes welling up, I have yet to let go, release or breakdown. We as men in society are strong, strong for our children, families, friends and ourselves but forget that we are only human despite what has been forced into us. My wife recently left, it was only month ago and I thought we were fine but she believed otherwise and now I find myself buried in work and children forcing myself to swallow pain, anger and uncertainty. I don’t believe I can do this much longer, the sleepless nights and lack of appetite are starting to wear me down but reading your post and posts from others is helping me realize that I can let go and show weakness, after all I’m just human.
Not impressed with the clickbait title on tinybuddha.
good read… Happy this man found his peace; even if but momentary or just transitioning into the next bit of toughness in life… Peace is a good thing to have, esp. after a breakup/divorce…
Sometimes you just have to….be.
Hi Amy 🙂
Really sorry to hear that about your marriage. I know it is a horrible time. I think the hope is good up to a point because we all want our relationships to work ultimately. There is a point though where, as you say, it becomes resistance of truth. And that will be different for every individual. I wish you all the best in your journey.
Hi Eva,
Thanks for commenting. That sounds like a difficult situation. It sounds like underneath your internal debate you know what to do, but yes, that still isn’t an easy place to be. That ‘what if’ dilemma can be a big energy drain. It’s important now more than ever to listen to your intuition and to recognise what your true needs are, and whether or not your current thinking about it is really working for you, or not.
Your comment made me smile. No, all life’s miseries aren’t because of women 🙂 In fact, what I have learned is that how I conduct myself is the biggest cause of my own misery 😉 And I agree absolutely that the message I am promoting does not only apply to relationships. This however was the story where I realised the lesson, so it just happened to be based on that 🙂 Wishing you all the best
Thanks, Lisa!
And yes, I am a guy 😉 It is so important to, as you succinctly put, be “analyzing, naming, and sharing how you feel”. Male or female. Too many males AND females see it as weakness. I found strength in it. To be able to sit with a feeling, name it and acknowledge it for what it is without labels truly is liberating. It stops you clinging to the story surrounding it. And giving yourself permission to feel helps it to pass quicker than fighting it. Thanks for your comment, Lisa
Hi Charanya,
I’m so sorry you have to experience this. That “knowing the person you love is never gonna be part of your Life anymore” is the killer, isn’t it? That is the acceptance bit right there that is needed, because we don’t want to let go. Yes, time heals, but it is important to acknowledge yourself and your feelings in every present moment, to give yourself permission to feel, and to say, yes, it is OK that I am feeling this right now. Take care, Charanya
Hi Susan.
It is one of the hardest things to do. And we do it with different things every day. And aren’t our ‘monkey minds’ brilliant at the spin? We need to keep a very close eye on them 😉 And you have hit the nail on the head – you are “onto it sooner”. It isn’t about eradicating our hurt or our feelings, because that is how we learn and grow. It is about building our resilience and our ability to bounce back sooner, so the impact on our lives isn’t debilitating for too long. Glad you enjoyed the post.
I’m not going to lie but I started to get choked up reading your comment Erik. I can feel your pain in your words. You must be hurting so bad right now if it only happened a month ago. It will be hard, extremely hard, but it is important to face the pain. Yes, you are human, and so are many of the people around you. People have bigger hearts and are more caring than we sometimes think. There is no shame in being a human being with feelings. None. We think others will judge, but more often than not we are the ones making the biggest judgments. We have to accept it first. Wishing you the strength to get through this, Erik. And you will.
“Sometimes you just have to….be.” So true. And life is a series of tough moments. That is what I realised. How we choose to perceive these moments is where our power and our freedom lie. And the peace comes from knowing, yes, I can do this. Even if it is excruciating now, I can get where I need to be.
Much like others that have commented, I really get what you’re saying and it’s resonated with me. The times when I’ve felt internal conflict were definitely when I was either hiding from reality, or fighting to change it. It was only when I took a step back and just accepted what was happening, was I able to move on.
Really emotive writing. Loved reading this.
Thank you so very much. I needed to read this today.
Absolutely love the honesty and openness of this article. Being super hard on our failings is something many people are very good at, and surrendering to life while expressing gratitude and comfort with going beyond comfort zones at times can make all the difference.
So candid and open! Beautifully written, Keith. Thank you for sharing your story. I can very much relate to the feelings of having a problem with surrendering to ‘what is’…yet once you do it, it’s so powerful, just like you said it so well “life is so much richer”, and it’s a bit easier to take on other storms that come my way.
Thanks, Raz!
I do believe that any internal conflict happens when we are resisting something within our reality. Once we fully accept where we are we can then start to make changes.
Glad you got something from it 🙂
Thank You. Agreed on every point 🙂 And something I didn’t mention in this article was how much the gratitude I felt for my children helped me. Thanks for commenting
Hey Kasia 🙂
It is a really powerful thing. It isn’t easy, and it doesn’t happen overnight, but once it does it change so much. Thanks, Kasia
I know you’ve already gotten a ton of comments on this, but I appreciate your words more than you could ever know. Last month, my fiance vanished. We had the most loving relationship and it was blissful, but one day he said he didn’t want it anymore. I’ve spent a month completely catatonic, just counting the minutes and unable to sleep or eat. Every moment has been a dark chasm that I had to claw and scratch out of. You’ve inspired me to try to let go and accept, and I just wanted to thank you. I haven’t yet been able to even tell anyone about this, but I will now. Seriously, thank you.
Hi Laura.
Thank you for commenting. That can’t have been easy for you with what you are going through. I’m truly sorry to hear about your pain. Telling others is the first step. Be prepared for how kind and supportive people will be because that will bring up an avalanche of feelings, but it is paramount that you don’t fight this. Don’t hold back, feel everything no matter how bad it hurts, and know that in the end, it will all be OK.
Thank you for sharing. You sometimes think your the only one, I’m happy to know your not in that dark place. I to have been through a tough life and and like you said letting go is the only way to go forward. I have bad days. I myself still find it hard to be in public places as I don’t trust people. If you have been used and abused by your own family I tend to think now if my own mother do that what can a stranger do. I hope I do find the strength one day . I know I can do better than this and I’m ashamed of my weakness. I don’t really have no friends as they are all happily married. I just pray that bubble that I feel will burst. And what hurts me more is knowing that there are people who are worse of than me that’s when it hits home and I feel a failure. But I totally wish you a brighter future. I don’t like to know someone is hurting. I wish for myself if I could find someone to be with,someone I can laugh,cry, eat with ect. Take care my friend your story gave me hope. Thank you. Delyth
Really sorry to hear what you have been through. I hope you find strength and don’t feel alone. Try to get out and thank you for sharing. We are all here for each other and that’s nice. Take care. Del
It’s been 14 years since myself and my husband parted. But it’s only these last month I haven’t stopped crying thinking of him. We had a crazy time but I was very young and he had been married before but it was a arranged marriage. When he met me now one has put me up on a peddle stool before and he was like this price charming. But once we got married he changed he became abusive and I became depressed and that wasn’t allowed in our culture. Even though he did what he did I blame myself. I wish if I would of been more mature. Maybe if I had been a better wife I would have my family now. I had a break down,so I lost my son to him only 6 months of us separating he got another woman pregnant it was awfull. But I’m finding myself dreaming about him wishing if only we had met now as I’m totally a different person. But I should move on shouldn’t I.
I’m glad my story could give you hope, Delyth. I think that with everything you have been through there is no shame in weakness. It sounds like a very tough life. It really is a one day at a time thing. And we can grow a little and get a little stronger every day. Wishing you the courage and strength you need
That’s awesome Laura. Just remember that often things that happen to us that seem like catastrophes at the time turn out in time to have been blessings in disguise. He probably doesn’t deserve you!
The most troubling part is u feel like a total failure, even if have given ur best… but Keith a part of me knows he loves me a lot still n we separated only because of unfavourable consequences but a part of me wonders if he still loves me as much as he says why can’t he stand up for us ?? I kno nobody could answer this for me but always rings in my head…
Hi Erik, your pain is very deep and still fresh, I can totally relate to the eyes swelling with tears, when u read this coz it happened to me too. I kno what I am gonna say is common n easier said than done but it’s the only way out- give it ‘Time’, it slowly gives u a perspective to life, n maybe may just heal you one day. One day, the fresh wound wud turn into a scar and u will just know it. Stay strong…
Charanya
I’m not sure how you did it, but you accurately described the pain and disappointment I’ve been experiencing lately. My relationship of 2 years recently came completely unraveled and we broke up. I’m working on accepting, but the haze of the pain is blocking me from understanding and acceptance. I hold on to the memories which result in more pain and anger. I know it will just take time and a lot of determination on my part but reading this made me feel a little less alone in my pain so THANK YOU to the ends of the earth for sharing your journey. It gives me and others hope for better days to come.
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Hi Lysette,
I am sorry to hear about your pain, Lysette, as I know what it feels like. However, I’m glad that you don’t feel so alone and that it gives you hope. Know and trust that you will get there, and you will be stronger for it. Just take one day at a time 🙂