“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron
Wounds I thought were healed began to burst open after a recent breakup. I had obviously not learned the lessons I was meant to years ago.
As a child I put 100% effort into everything I did, from schoolwork and swimming training to leadership positions. I remember feeling so sure of myself.
I drew my confidence from many areas of my life. A good student, swimming champion, school captain… I had my life sorted. Although the swimming accolades and A’s on my report card meant nothing once the bullying started.
I was bullied a number of times throughout my schooling. I moved primary schools in the hope that I could escape the cattiness of insecure girls; however, unfortunately for me, bullies seem to be everywhere. I experienced trouble at my swimming club and during my first years of high school.
Every time there was trouble my solution was to move elsewhere. I changed swimming clubs and schools, not to mention friendship groups several times.
Eventually, the bullying came to an end, but I was left with suicidal thoughts and depression. I don’t remember specifics about that time in my life. It is as if my brain blocks out those memories as a defence mechanism.
Once the bullying stopped and I recovered from my mental illness, I thought I was fine. I mean, anything’s better than having a dark cloud hanging over your head.
I’ve always been the type of person who has aimed to be the best I could be, the comedian, the agony aunt, the people pleaser. Socializing only left me drained, exhausted from entertaining those around me.
Fast-forward seven years to now…
It was only until a recent ex felt that our long-distance relationship wasn’t working that I began to question my self-worth. Wasn’t I enough? What did I do wrong? I thought I made him happy. All the emotions I felt years ago came rushing back. The wounds I thought time had healed burst right open.
Here’s the thing: Those wounds never healed. I just ran away from my issues at every chance possible. I didn’t do any work on myself after the bullying incidents; I just ran away and tried to forget. You can’t run away from your own insecurities and self-doubt.
My recent relationship wasn’t right for me. He couldn’t offer me the emotional or intellectual support I wanted, but my need to be liked caused me to ignore the relationship red flags.
After some self-reflection and reading articles on sites such as Tiny Buddha, I realized that relationships reflect how we see and treat ourselves.
I didn’t feel good enough, and found myself in relationships where I was constantly proving to them, but mainly to myself, that I was, in fact, good enough. That I was enough.
The funny thing is that no matter how hard you try, you’ll never convince the wrong person you’re right for them. You’ll spend your whole relationship wishing and wanting them to treat you the way you so desperately want to treat yourself.
The wounds never healed because I never learned the lessons I was meant to learn. Because I refused to face my childhood trauma, I was put into the same scenarios time and time again—constantly seeking everyone’s approval, wanting to be liked, and trying to prove my own worth.
I am determined that I will never feel so worthless ever again. I will not see my own worth through the eyes of another.
I have recently begun the journey of self-acceptance. My daily practices of meditation and writing in my gratitude journal continue to serve me on this journey. My mind is more focused, and by listing what I am blessed with daily, I have started to see the value of my own existence.
If you can relate to my experience, remember…
What you resist persists.
The damage caused by childhood bullying continued to resurface regardless of how many times I tried to push it aside. The same is true for you. Whatever pain from your past you’ve tried to outrun, you can’t avoid it forever. It will follow you until you face it and work through it.
Once you learn the lessons you need to learn, you can break your patterns.
By not learning what I needed to learn years ago, I was faced with the same situations over and over. We continue to have the same experiences until we get the lesson, and start applying it.
Relationships reflect what is going on inside us.
I didn’t feel worthy and sought out a relationship where I had to continually prove my value. When you completely accept yourself, you won’t settle for a relationship that you know deep down isn’t right for you.
Be grateful and let go.
Be thankful for the experiences and subsequent lessons. Painful though they may have been, they can make you stronger, wiser, happier, and better able to love and be loved. Knowing this makes it much easier to let go of what was so you can receive what is to come.
Sad woman image via Shutterstock
About Celina Murillo
Celina is a young university student trying to find her way in the world. She has recently started a blog focused on gratitude and creating the life you deserve. Head over to weeklyjaunts.com and show some love. Sign up to the WeeklyJaunts newsletter to receive love and good vibes in your inbox.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I believe that’s how life is – if you don’t learn the lessons first time around, the lessons and the tests become hard the next time, and so we feel more pain. Once we solve the test, a new lesson will show up and we keep solving and moving on, becoming better everyday!
Great article! Im still struggling on how to accept myself. I find it very difficult.
Thank you so much for writing this article – I felt understood. I am going through similar emotions, and though chaotic I do see it as learning what I did not learn before. I wish you and everyone else out there bravery to confront what was/is dark and light that light from within.
Thank you for sharing.
Relationships aren’t worth the pain they inflict.
Hi there, thanks for reading the post and for being so receptive. Best wishes with your life lessons and I hope the article served you x
There is no divine puppet master pulling strings to teach us lessons through a series of abstract riddle experiences that then become our mission to decipher. Everything that happens does not carry some hidden lesson for our individual growth. This is a story we tell ourselves to calm our fears and make sense of our lives. Having said this: when we avoid our fears and run from or suppress our feelings, they don’t go away. They cry out to be heard, understood and felt. Healing from trauma is not a single incident linear experience. Emotional healing occurs slowly, over time…the truth is, we are never completely over any trauma that befalls us. These experiences become assimilated into our emotional fabric and become the essence of who we are.
Thank you for sharing your deep thoughts and lesson. I feel like I’m going through the same thing you went through, except I’m re-experiencing it again and again because I have yet to learn my lesson. Acknowledging that there’s a lesson to be learned is one thing, but having the courage to walk away (or in this cause, accepting the lesson) is another. This is something I’m still struggling to do. I hope that someday soon, the courage I lack will empower me to finally take control of myself and eventually go seek the full happiness I know I deserve.
I agree 100%
My issue is with my ex-wife to whom I was very good to and she admits it
The problem I have is why her 2 sisters of whom their husbands are either controlling or verbally abusive to stay with them as well as a friend who stays with her husband who is both verbally abusive and controlling
I guess I can’t compare my self to them
Correct Don. It never comes out well when we compare ourselves with others.
It hurts a lot when someone we know we’ve treated well walks away but their inability to accept your love does not in any way diminish the love you offered. Looking for the lesson can add to your suffering. Allow yourself to feel your loss. Lean into that grief completely. Accept that it is over. Drop any story your head generates around it which only prolongs the suffering. Be grateful that you loved deeply and move on. If you can stay open, more love will follow.
Thank you, Celina! What an articulate reminder of a universal, though sometimes inconvenient, truth. When I first became aware of the idea that until we heal our past wounds and finally learn the lessons, we will continue to recreate our original traumas in every situation(relationships, work ect.), I could only grasp this notion on an intellectual level. For a while, I suffered with the awareness of the repetitive situations/lessons I was attracting without possessing the skills or tools to free myself from these patterns and “learn the lessons for good”. Recently, through a practice of taking regular inventory on my thoughts, feelings, and behavior and identifying the root causes and original wounds that are being triggered, and practicing radical forgiveness of myself and all others of whom I have assigned blame/shame/guilt/responsibility for my past traumatic experiences. In doing so, I have found a tangible exercise for truly releasing the many unconscious painful resentments that had left me feeling like a victim. Just as you so eloquently put it, “what we resist, persists”. In releasing others, I release myself. In forgiving, we are forgiven. And that, is probably the most powerful lesson that I have learned and continue to learn little by little, moment by moment, one day at a time. Thank you for blazing a radically empowering trail for others to follow in this piece and in your work with your blog
Thank you I appreciate your response to my post
It has been hard but I’m healing and have moved on slowly but moving on never the less