“The man who is prepared has his battle half fought.” ~Miguel De Cervantes
They say you should live in the present, and “they” form a chorus of voices that is growing in number by the second. Everywhere you turn these days, the message is loud and clear: life is better when you live in the moment.
I get it; I really do. I know that when I hit that flow state, regardless of what I’m immersed in, time passes in a heartbeat and I tend to really enjoy myself.
It’s just that I would prefer it if I could plan those moments of flow some time in advance. I want—no I need—to prepare myself for the event of letting go. I need to be mentally ready so that I may jump into the river and let the current take me.
If I’m not prepared, that river turns out to be less of a serene, meandering brook, and more a surge of cascading torrents that pummel my senses until I’m half-drowned and ready to give up.
This is why I, the introvert, despise spontaneity in all its forms.
The first few weeks of university really tested me. I lived on campus in a dorm where I shared a communal kitchen with eleven other people. It didn’t matter what night of the week it was, there were people heading out to a bar, restaurant, or club.
I’d often get a knock at my bedroom door and an invitation to one of these nightly excursions: “Oh, hey, me, Johnny, and Mike are heading to {insert one of many different venues} for some beers. You wanna join us?”
At this point I’d be searching every corner of my mind for a reasonable excuse, a Get Out Of Jail Free card that would save me the pain of just saying no. I knew that if I did just decline without justification, I’d get the inevitable looks of astonishment as if I were turning down the opportunity of a lifetime.
“It’s Wednesday.” No, that won’t do.
“I’m tired.” Not going to cut it.
“I’ve just sat down to catch up on Friends.” Watch it another time, I’d be told.
I wanted to tell them the truth, but can you imagine what they’d have said? “Oh, thanks for the invite guys, but I’m an introvert and I can’t stand being spontaneous. Maybe another time, assuming you give me seven days notice in writing.”
Instead, I’d often just mumble something incoherent about how I’ve got a paper due the next day, or how I’m just on the phone with my parents. They usually got the message.
I didn’t avoid nights out entirely; I can be quite a social character when I want to be. I just made sure that I was mentally prepared beforehand. I’d agree (with myself in advance) that I was going out on a particular night, and I made sure I spent plenty of time alone in the afternoon or early evening to recharge my batteries for the oncoming festivities.
Eventually, I had a nice little routine going. I’d go out on Monday most weeks, Friday some weeks, Saturday almost every week, and the occasional Thursday. No other nights really got a look-in. And it tended to be the same set of places each time because of certain student promotions or theme nights.
What’s more, my friends knew when I was and was not going to accept their invitations, so they stopped knocking when they knew it was a waste of their time.
Somehow, I had managed to appear fairly sociable and outgoing while avoiding anything unexpected. I had planned my way out of spontaneity.
Structure: An Introvert’s Best Friend
My experiences as a student might not exactly mirror your situation, but as a fellow introvert, I’m sure you can relate to the need for structure and routine in your life.
There are few things less enjoyable for an introvert than being coerced into some random activity at some unplanned time with unfamiliar people. It’s literally our Kryptonite.
We simply cannot handle the unknowns: Where are we going? What is the place like? What will we be doing there? Who else is going? How are we getting there?
Perhaps the uncertainty that scares us most is not knowing when it will end. Social activity drains us, but spontaneous social activity burns through our energy reserves in double-quick time because of how much we have to think, react, and absorb when we’re not mentally ready for it.
If there’s no clear time at which things will draw to a close, we panic, knowing we’ll be utterly spent in the not-too-distant future.
Put some structure in place—primarily in the form of plenty of warning—and we will be able to extract far more enjoyment out of the very same event or activity. When we know it’s coming, we have time to open ourselves up to the possibility of enjoying ourselves. We remove our shackles and move more freely, both physically and mentally.
Be Confident In Your Boundaries
The reason I found those early weeks of university so difficult was because I felt bad saying no to people. I wanted to make friends as much as the next person, and I always had this nagging feeling that my refusal to take part would see me labelled as boring.
Somehow or another it all worked out, but I could have avoided plenty of insecurity had I just understood that putting personal boundaries in place is not a sign of weakness. I did say no to people, and I did it a lot. These days, I’m much more comfortable doing it, and it reduces the anxiety I feel around spontaneity itself.
I know I can turn down anything I don’t feel like doing, and I don’t worry so much about what other people think. I’ve learnt that, actually, most spontaneous people care a lot less about receiving a no from introverts like you or me. Or rather, they get over the rejection quickly because they’re too busy just getting on with whatever spontaneous act it is they are doing.
In these situations, it’s the introverts who tend to overthink everything. You may dwell on the exchange for hours after it happened, considering all of the possible ways you could have handled it better or the consequences of your refusal. The big deal exists almost entirely in your head. So it’s in your head that the battle must be won.
The challenge is to know your boundaries intimately and to build them strong and sturdy so that you are able to confidently say no to offers and invitations that you either have not planned for or do not think you’d enjoy. No is not a dirty word and you shouldn’t be afraid of using it.
Take The Reins Yourself
There is a relatively simple way to avoid spontaneous requests from others: get in there first. You want a plan in place, right? You crave structure in your life. Then create the plan and add the structure yourself.
Don’t wait for your friends to suggest you meet up that night, or the next night for dinner. Suggest a date and a time that feels comfortable for you. A few days time, next week, in a fortnight; it doesn’t matter as long as it gives you enough time to prepare mentally.
And if you know that these events tend to happen naturally every couple of months, keep this in mind and put a note on your calendar to start suggesting dates well in advance. This also has the added benefit of making you seem like the sociable one because you’re doing much of the organizing.
Yes, you may be an introvert, but that doesn’t mean you don’t ever want to see anyone. We introverts can enjoy ourselves as much as anyone else, but having some forewarning will only serve to make the whole process more compatible with your needs and wishes.
About Steve Waller
Steve Waller is a big believer in the power of self-improvement and wants to see others open themselves up to the possibilities of life. He took this passion and founded A Conscious Rethink—a blog dedicated to helping others overcome the roadblocks they face on their paths. You can also follow him on Facebook and Pinterest.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
An insightful post, Steve — thank you! My introverted nature has become stronger as I age, and I do my best to respect it. You’re right that being able to bring an end to sociability when one has had enough is key; for that reason, I often drive myself to the few social events I choose to attend.
I am an Introvert and i need to be told where we are going beforehand so i can mentally prepare especially if there is going to be a large crowd where we are going. I get emotionally drained easily. Also, I like to retreat into my own fantasy world in my mind from time to time so showing up unexpectedly to go somewhere makes me anxious!
I hate the spontaneous behavior of the world, I always prefer to plan things out. I’m most definitely an introvert, yet people always tell be to do the opposite. “You ain’t living life” they always say.
Glad you enjoyed it Cate. Good idea driving yourself – the last thing you want is to be waiting around for a more extroverted person to leave so you can get a ride.
Sounds like I’m not alone in this then Nigel!
That sort of sentiment about not living life is rife unfortunately, but it’s also totally incorrect. We introverts just have a different vision of what life looks like.
This was eye-opening for me and helped me to learn a bit about myself. I knew that I didn’t like spontaneity and I knew that I asked more questions about the how/what/who/when of an activity when others just went with the flow, but I hadn’t linked that to my being an introvert. Depending on how comfortable I am with the people, I find that I get the “ready to go” feeling within 30 minutes to an hour of being some place social, but that sometimes seems too soon to leave . . . especially if you’re the first one to go.
I am learning to embrace being an introvert and being comfortable in my choices. For me, it is ok to hear about the updates of a social outing; I don’t have to live each one. I’m also ok with the label of being “boring.” I, myself, know that I am never bored when I am home alone. Never. Even though the person assessing would be bored home alone for any significant amount of time. It’s ok to offer a clear and firm “no” if your heart isn’t into a proposed social activity.
Thanks Scott! While I definitely agree that introverts can only survive with structure in their lives i’ll take it one step further and mention that I hate planned events even more than spontaneous ones. In other words I hate both. Planned events bring with them a sense of dread. The situation unfolds this way: Counting down the minutes until the scheduled thing arises, planning and un-planning how to get out of it, and then ultimately cancelling last minute because the stress of waiting for a social situation was way worse than doing something I didn’t have to think about beforehand. Don’t get me wrong. My entire day/life is structured so I’ll face the minimum amount of pain, but sometimes that means being painfully spontaneous so I don’t have to factor in the stress and looming doom feelings and an upcoming obligation.
How weird. I never thought of spontaneity as relating to introversion. I’m an introvert and I actually enjoy spontaneous events more than I enjoy planning an event myself. If I look at my schedule and I’ve got free time I’ll try to grab some people to do something, and I’m usually up for last-minute invitations from others as well. What I hate is trying to work around everyone’s busy schedules. If someone else is planning the event, all the better, but I’m sure as heck not gonna do it. All of this is as long as it’s with a relatively small group of people I know, of course.
I think it is wrong to establish a 1:1 relationship between being introvert and disliking spontaneity.
I like spontaneity a lot – just not at all times or with anyone.
I renew my energy with myself, where some of the extrovert people I know, need to be with other people to renew their energy.
If one of them do something spontaneous to do that, It is usually not for me.
But if someone suggests something spontaneous just for the “adventure” I’m in..!
It is difficult to pinpoint the exact difference but I believe it might be, that the first situation is just about the people interaction (an extrovert friend of mine says he sometimes needs his “people bath”) and the other is about the “ride”.
As am introvert myself, I can’t exactly relate to this. Maybe introversion often goes together with a dislike of spontaneity, but I wouldn’t say they are inherently linked. I usually recognize in retrospect that I act far too impulsively. I am an adrenaline junkie and act often with a bit too much reckless abandon. When a close friend asks if I want to do something, my first instinct is to agree without hesitation.
That said, I’m still an introvert. I almost always prefer solitude over the company of others. It’s not that I suffer from abnormal amounts of social anxiety, rather I find that socializing with anyone other than a close friend (I only have a few, and none live within an hour drive) saps me of my energy. Often I foolishly agree to socialize with new people and realize my mistake later when I see they have nothing to offer and just want to leech small talk out of me to ease their insecurity. It reminds me that my life is usually richer when I go it alone.
I was an alcoholic for decades. Stopped drinking on 9/12/17. Have been treated for schizophrenia for 25 years, but now, medicating seems not to work. I post to my own blog to try to educate myself about my own ‘condition’ and hope others read, too. I gave away my Susan Cain book, _Quiet_, to another introvert. It takes me forever to process information. Dunno if I have autism or not. However, this article gave me an insight. I have joined you guys, and it feels good to know that it’s OK to stay indoors and watch the rain.
I’d also agree with other commenters – introversion doesn’t equate spontaneity. I’d recommend taking the Myers-Briggs test It may be you are introvert, but also a judger rather than a perceiver. Judgers plan a lot in advance and aren’t fond of last-minute events. I’m an INFP – love spontaneity, but still crave and need my time alone or just in 1 to 1 interactions. Nice article though, along with the advice of honoring your needs. Important in this extroverted culture of the U.S.
Spot on! You just summed up my life’s struggle.
I would agree. If it is a planned event, I spend the weeks, days, hours, minutes, pep-talk in the car, leading up to said event dreading it. Then there is the event it’s self which often takes me about an hour to relax into (hoping no one notices my anxiety, which gives me more anxiety). I often enjoy more spontaneous social events because I won’t have time to fret over how miserable I am going to be there. Not to mention, I have an easier time saying no to something in the moment than a planned event because I can just say I don’t feel like going.
Yes, I always drive if possible. There is nothing worse than being stuck somewhere and wanting to leave. Plus, there are very few other drivers I feel comfortable riding with. Even then, being a passenger makes me anxious.
Yeah. Take a person hiking through a forest or walking through a city by themselves. An introvert is still an introvert whether they plan where they walk or not.
That being said, the whole “be in the moment” cliche is way overdone, and not for everyone.
My reaction, too. The need for structure doesn’t seem to jibe with introversion.
My introversion has to do with protecting my battery’s energy — as several others have said.
Congratulations on ditching the booze.
Yes, this doesn’t describe me well even though I’m most definitely a strong introvert. I think spontaneity is a different characteristic separate from introversion that you happen to have and others do not.
I get not wanting to go a huge social event where I don’t know many people well if I’m already low on energy, but knowing about it weeks in advance isn’t really a big help aside from the fact that I probably won’t plan other big social things that day.
I don’t usually have big social events daily, so if someone invites me to one and I know and like the people going, I’ll usually accept. In fact, I’m often the one who will do things such as inviting people out to lunch at work just as much as the other way around.
For social events involving huge groups of people I don’t know well and where I have to make small talk and chit chat, I find it much more draining than smaller groups where I know everyone well (such as my immediate group at work). Yet, I don’t find knowing about these larger social events far in advance a big advantage in most circumstances.
First, we probably need to define what it is to be out of the moment.
I am going to propose that “rumination” is out of the moment. Analytical reasoning/rehashing: also out of the moment. Everything else is more or less “in the moment.”
I suspect the reason this is the case is that, for most people, these thought processes are left-brain. I suspect that when the left side of the brain implements these processes, it uses very little energy (the brain is more or less quiet)…AKA, the brain is bored.
However, if you tend to use your right brain to accomplish these tasks, you are probably exceptionally skilled and can come up with great planning insight…at the same time, the computation is probably more intensive (your brain is lit up), so you are not bored.
This probably means your social skills are organized to some extent in your left brain, so you simultaneously (1) struggle with many social interactions at once, (2) are very focused one-on-one, (3) generally find it–interacting with people socially–more boring and draining than applying your right brain to an analytical/planning task.
I’m an introvert and I do experience same dislike to spontaneity as described in the article. By now I have somewhat educated my family regarding this and everyone knows, if they want for us to enjoy an event together or even my 5 year old knows, if he wants me to walk him in school he needs to give me a day ahead warning 😀
But from the other side – I do like being spontaneous on my own terms 🙂
Me too. INFP here. I am often spontaneous, don’t need to make a plan for everything and am mildly annoyed with those who do to be honest. But I do need my alone time to recharge.
Why do people feel the need to extrapolate their personal experience to everyone that shares one personality trait with them? This should be entitled “I have a hate/hate relationship with spontaneity”.
I’m an introvert, and I love spontaneity and hate planning. If I have to commit to something in advance, I can’t know if I’m going to have the energy to be with people at the scheduled time. Spontaneity allows me to act in the moment based on my current threshold for human interaction.
Good point.
I’m an INTJ and the planning is almost more important than the time alone.
but I agree with Steve that setting aside times to be spontaneous (Mon, Fri, Sat) makes it much less stressful.
Steve Waller, you should read up on the Meyers-Briggs personality types. I think you are missing a lot of understanding in your relating being an introvert and despising spontaneity. My understanding is that people who prefer to plan tend to have J (judging) as the last letter in their personality type (versus P, perceiving). This has little to do with the first letter being an I (introvert) versus an E (extrovert). Just because you are an introvert who prefers to plan doesn’t mean that there aren’t just as many extroverts who prefer to plan.
Thanks a lot. Working on daily structure and diet. Trying to be more social without fear. Fear is my worst enemy.
I have to disagree with this take on introversion. I am an introvert, as are my wife and two sons. The thing that distinguishes me from them is primarily that they all have brain chemistry gone awry, leading to bipolar and anxiety diagnoses and daily medication. To equate introversion with anxiety is a mistake, and it’s the anxiety that leads to the need to have so much structural control. The list presented: “Where are we going? What is the place like? What will we be doing there? Who else is going? How are we getting there?” is textbook anxiety thinking, as I’ve seen it many times in my sons, especially during the phase when we were still zeroing in on the right balance of several medications.
All ‘introvert’ means in my lexicon is that I prefer to spend time alone to spending time with others, and that the more people present at some function, the faster I’m going to run out of juice for socializing. I can spend hours with a single person, and often find these interactions at least ‘trickle-charge’ my batteries with the enjoyment of individual connection, and buy me more time before I need to go immerse myself – solo – in music, writing, books, and obsessive research on the Internet. I almost universally avoid large group events – as much as they might involve an interest of mine – because I have to balance topical interest with the fact that I will have almost no quality interactions and will likely be sensorily overwhelmed by how loud such events can be.
However, I do many things spontaneously, albeit of my own volition, and not at the behest of others. I certainly don’t have to plan whether I’m going to go hang (on my own) at a brewery a week in advance – I just do it. I often indulge my curiosity about a place I have never been, also spontaneously. I might have a different take if I was constantly being asked to engage socially on others’ schedules, but the combination of working mainly as a remote tech worker, living in Montana, and being an old dude means those things don’t actually come up very often.
While I may disagree with your premise confusing introversion and anxiety, the overall list of methods for seeing to one’s own needs, and establishing clear boundaries, is spot-on.
Robert that is fantastic! Keep up the good work, if you are having trouble I find that drinking unsweetened cranberry juice (R.W. Knudsen is a brand I can think of) diluted with water, for some reason seems to take away cravings. Not sure if this will help or not but wanted to share. Take care!
An idea, expressed in too many words, is as useless as a drug dissolved in too much water.
– Lao tsu / Chuang tsu , China [ “He said…”, attrib. ca.600 BC – 600 AD ]
At age 73 I look back at remarkable life moments, and remember one spring morning when I was in college and there was a loud banging on my apartment door at around 5-530. Who? Some friends were dressed, ready to go, with frying pans in their hands. Off we went into the mountains for a morning breakfast of bacon & fried eggs over an open fire. Could life get better, I thought? Don’t know how. Still think it. I miss that spontaneity that seems to be lacking now that I have older friends. Maybe it’s time to create it again.
grow the fuck up and stop creating problems that dont exist
I already do like cranberry juice, and tons of tomato and V8. Ice cream is a fave. I was supposed to go to church Sunday, but stayed home to process stuff. Everything takes me longer. Thanks for encouraging.
I’m an INTP, and I’ll agree with you. My boss and a former team lead at work were both Js, and they wanted everything planned out well in advance, and it drove me up a wall. From what I’ve been able to tell, my P/J split is fairly close to the middle, so having plans that I have made upset really bothers me (unlike I/E, where I peg the meter on I). But, frankly, planning is more a source of stress to me than it is a relief from it. So I’m going to guess that, yeah, the author of this piece is I??J, and it’s that J that’s the source of the planning desire, not the I.
For those of you who are feeling the disconnect between introversion and spontaneity, there is a reason. A few of you shared your Myers-Briggs type, and for those familiar with it, spontaneity is a function of the Judging – Perceiving pair (J-P), not the Introversion – Extroversion (I – E) pair. Judging personality types prefer planning, list making, and organization over “winging it”. Perceiving types prefer to “keep the options open” and see what wonderful things could happen. Spontaneity is comfortable for P types, but can make J types go nuts because of the perceived lack of control over what will happen. This article describes a strong preference for J over P behavior, not Introversion over Extroversion.
Both introverts and extroverts can be either judging or perceiving in their preferences. Extroverts can have just as much of a need for planning as introverts. Mr. Waller has just confused introversion with perceptive preferences, which is what makes so many people not connect with this post. Mr. Waller, there are many sites that can help you learn about Jungian theory. Meyers-Briggs is one of the best know and highly researched ones.
Oh yes I almost forgot about tomato juice, it’s got potassium and is just very tasty with a little salt added. Foods with B vitamin will also help because we tend to be lower in the B vitamins. & I hear you. I am an introvert as well, I often worry that I may turn into a hermit as I get older, and the sad thing is, I don’t see that as a problem! LOL
All the best,
Jennifer
The problem is when mindfulness is an addictive escape from your inner demons because you haven’t done psychotherapy and addiction recovery.
It helps when flow is done for itself and not for one’s ulterior motives.
Why would you log in to post such a nasty comment? If you don’t like the article, there’s no reason to post such mean nonsense. This may not be a problem for you, but it obviously is for some people. I’m happy that you don’t struggle with it.
I thrashed myself for being introverted forever. Finally I had to accept that Rob’s morality is something different, but I don’t harm anybody. Never been in a fistfight in my life. Best to you, too. I like the tip on B vites. I bet thiamine is most important. I eat a lot of enriched bread.
You appear to be some combination introverted and obsessive-compulsive. You misattribute your dislike of spontaneity to introversion when it is due to your obsessive nature. Many introverts love spontaneity.
Slayer
Agreed completely. I love last minute ideas that sound good.
I was a bit torn myself on this article. While I am an introvert, I wasn’t sure about the spontaneity bit. I actually thrive on spontaneity! But this article got me thinking and I realized something–the spontaneous actions that I’m okay with and love, are ones that I’m familiar with.
For example, having a friend over last minute? If that friend has come over many times before, than I’m more likely to say yes!
I’m spontaneous about things I’m familiar/comfortable with because I have a good idea of what the situation will be like. So, less prep time to mentally prepare basically.
No doubt though, this is not a boxed scenario. But this article is thought-provoking.
INFP :wave:
INF P here as well and that is right on.
Hey fellow INFP!
I struggle with it a lot but bitching and moaning won’t change anything.
Fair enough. I swear just like everybody else but your comment just got me down, there’s enough meanness in the world without you or me adding to it.
co-sign
Oh God, did someone in the outside world effect your emotions? WEAK